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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've known it wasn't right for ages so why does it hurt so much?!

54 replies

anonng1987 · 07/04/2022 11:34

I apologise in advance, this is a long one and I won't be able to capture everything in one post....but here goes....
So my partner and I got together 3 years ago now, things moved quickly and we started living together after 6 months. Shortly after moving in, his ex sadly passed away which resulted in his 4 children moving in with us (all under the age of 8). To say the past 2 and a bit years has been difficult would be an understatement....! When I first met him, he was a totally different person to who he is now. There were some early red flags such as the amount of alcohol he consumed, along with some borderline narcissistic behaviour however I (stupidly) brushed it off and convinced myself I was happy. Fast forward a few months after the children moved in and more things started to come to light...hidden empty spirit bottles around the house, silly little lies, very egotistic comments, he thinks he is right about everything, I realised he had no real friends, very glass half full outlook on life, lack of interest in my past (be it about holidays I've been on, or things I've done with my friends etc), little comments when I went to see friends or family such as 'you have a family now, do you really need to go out' (I think being in lockdown had kept this one masked for some time.) He also started to display some aggression such as punching walls or throwing things across the room if something didn't go his way. He also has very strong opinions on things which totally differ from mine, such as covid, the government etc. I am very laid back so this has been a bit of a challenge for me. The list goes on...
We have come close to separating a few times because we have ended up in huge rows when I have confronted him on any of these things. I found over time it was easier to keep my mouth shut and not saying anything to avoid the conflict.
The most irritating thing about him is when things are good, he can be so lovely, funny, etc. But when they don't go his way, he is the total opposite. A battery drainer by being so negative about everything!
Anyway, last night one of the children was unwell and for some reason it totally tipped me over the edge, I have felt completely drained by life for such a long time and this was the icing on the cake. I came to my parents house to escape and I'm still here now. I don't plan on going back, although I feel incredibly guilty and emotional about that, I know it's the right thing to do.
In honesty, I have no idea why I am writing this post, other than because I can't work out why I feel so awful and sad....and to see whether anyone else has been through similar and can share their experiences with me x

OP posts:

ravenmum · 07/04/2022 11:42

I don't plan on going back
Thank goodness. Well done! It's the best decision you could have made.

Why's it hard? We all want to be happy with our partners. It's always hard. But with all this stress chipping away at you, no wonder you're vulnerable. Hope your friends will support you.

KELLOGSspeck · 07/04/2022 11:47

Does your partner have family on his or the kids side to assist 4 kids I'd a lot and they sound close in age.

It's a huge responsibility for you too. You have done well to step away.

bluebell34567 · 07/04/2022 11:49

whilst i feel sorry for the kids i think you did the right thing to step away. he is bad news.

ravenmum · 07/04/2022 11:55

We all feel sorry for the kids, losing their mum and having such a crap dad. But none of it has anything to do with you, OP. In normal circumstances you wouldn't have been asked to take four children on just 3 years after meeting their dad. No-one will blame you for leaving this man, expect you to come up with any solutions or even suggest what he could do.

Original poster

anonng1987 · 07/04/2022 11:59

@KELLOGSspeck @bluebell34567 I feel incredibly guilty about the kids. He has limited support as his family are not local and he doesn't have the greatest relationship with them. This has been a massive reason why I haven't left sooner...they have already been through so much at such a young age. It is really difficult to put myself first, but at this stage in my life I think I need to. I am 34 and I would like to have a child of my own sometime, which was never going to happen with him.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 07/04/2022 12:01

Yeah taking on 4 very young step kids is no joke, I don't think I could do it tbh and that's not even talking about the fact that your OH (ex) sounds like a bit of a prick as well

KELLOGSspeck · 07/04/2022 12:02

It's a tough situation. What about the mother who passed are her family involved?

bluebell34567 · 07/04/2022 12:03

agree, v difficult situation.

Bonheurdupasse · 07/04/2022 12:04

You must put yourself first. You only have one life.
Don't let yourself be guilted into ever going back or you'll be sucked in again.

Original poster

anonng1987 · 07/04/2022 12:05

@KELLOGSspeck again, more people that he doesn't have a good relationship with. There is a court order in place so the children visit them once a month on a Saturday. There is a lot of history, by all accounts it was a bit 6 of 1, half a dozen of the other...however means he really doesn't have much support. Probably why he has clung on to me!

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 07/04/2022 12:10

Who's house is it op

Original poster

anonng1987 · 07/04/2022 12:16

@Guiltypleasures001 it's a rental in both of our names. It's on a 1 month rolling contract which makes things easier!

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 07/04/2022 12:25

Also OP make sure to bring someone with you when you go back to collect your stuff

Original poster

anonng1987 · 07/04/2022 12:49

@AryaStarkWolf I will, I had planned on going with a friend. Thank you :)

OP posts:

SisterRuth · 07/04/2022 12:53

You've done more than most people could cope with & it's exhausted you utterly. Don't go back, he's a bully & a user. You only get one life, don't let him use yours as well as his.

ravenmum · 07/04/2022 12:56

No surprise he doesn't get on well with anyone if he is an alcoholic etc.
If you had stayed, you would just have been enabling him to continue this behaviour. Have social services been involved at all?

HellToTheNope · 07/04/2022 12:57

Don't be crazy enough to ever go back.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 07/04/2022 12:57

Fuck me.
Run.
Don't look back.

Original poster

anonng1987 · 07/04/2022 13:01

@ravenmum Not that I know of, although I'm sure based on his form that there are some things I don't know about!
@GiantHaystacks2021 Thank you, this is what I need to hear! Not that I have any regrets, but it is easier said than done just walking away!

OP posts:

ravenmum · 07/04/2022 13:05

Might be worth letting both sets of gps know you are out of there.

Jk987 · 07/04/2022 13:47

I do feel for the children but that's not your doing. Is it at all possible to try and get the mother's family more involved for the kids sake? They must be still grieving and need all the love they can get.

You are right to leave though, you deserve happiness.

WildBlueAndDitzy · 07/04/2022 14:21

Letting go of your hopes and dreams (for the relationship) is painful

WildBlueAndDitzy · 07/04/2022 14:26

Also I'd report to the DC school and SS that he's an alcoholic and you've left him. Then you've done all you can for them.

Orgasmagorical · 07/04/2022 14:41

Well done on walking away, it wasn't going to get any better.

It hurts because when you got into the relationship he showed you who he wanted you to see, you've always held onto the hope that that guy would come back. He is but a distant memory for him, who he is now is the real him. All the drama and fall-outs, that's him.

It hurts because you wanted to be happy, to make it work, because you feel bad for the innocent children. They are not your responsibility, you have done more than enough already. It's time to concentrate on yourself. The upset will ease in time, try and wallow in the calm now you are away from him

Original poster

anonng1987 · 07/04/2022 14:43

@Orgasmagorical Thank you for your words, you are 100% right x

OP posts:

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