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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've known it wasn't right for ages so why does it hurt so much?!

54 replies

anonng1987 · 07/04/2022 11:34

I apologise in advance, this is a long one and I won't be able to capture everything in one post....but here goes....
So my partner and I got together 3 years ago now, things moved quickly and we started living together after 6 months. Shortly after moving in, his ex sadly passed away which resulted in his 4 children moving in with us (all under the age of 8). To say the past 2 and a bit years has been difficult would be an understatement....! When I first met him, he was a totally different person to who he is now. There were some early red flags such as the amount of alcohol he consumed, along with some borderline narcissistic behaviour however I (stupidly) brushed it off and convinced myself I was happy. Fast forward a few months after the children moved in and more things started to come to light...hidden empty spirit bottles around the house, silly little lies, very egotistic comments, he thinks he is right about everything, I realised he had no real friends, very glass half full outlook on life, lack of interest in my past (be it about holidays I've been on, or things I've done with my friends etc), little comments when I went to see friends or family such as 'you have a family now, do you really need to go out' (I think being in lockdown had kept this one masked for some time.) He also started to display some aggression such as punching walls or throwing things across the room if something didn't go his way. He also has very strong opinions on things which totally differ from mine, such as covid, the government etc. I am very laid back so this has been a bit of a challenge for me. The list goes on...
We have come close to separating a few times because we have ended up in huge rows when I have confronted him on any of these things. I found over time it was easier to keep my mouth shut and not saying anything to avoid the conflict.
The most irritating thing about him is when things are good, he can be so lovely, funny, etc. But when they don't go his way, he is the total opposite. A battery drainer by being so negative about everything!
Anyway, last night one of the children was unwell and for some reason it totally tipped me over the edge, I have felt completely drained by life for such a long time and this was the icing on the cake. I came to my parents house to escape and I'm still here now. I don't plan on going back, although I feel incredibly guilty and emotional about that, I know it's the right thing to do.
In honesty, I have no idea why I am writing this post, other than because I can't work out why I feel so awful and sad....and to see whether anyone else has been through similar and can share their experiences with me x

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 07/04/2022 14:48

I hope you start to feel more yourself very soon, anonng Flowers

billy1966 · 07/04/2022 16:02

@WildBlueAndDitzy

Also I'd report to the DC school and SS that he's an alcoholic and you've left him. Then you've done all you can for them.
Please do this.

He is an angry alcoholic.

You have absolutely done the right thing for you.

Now contact the school, GP and SS to say why you have left and your fear for the children.

Flowers
Original poster
anonng1987 · 08/04/2022 16:10

@billy1966 part of me agrees and thinks I should speak to the school and SS but he has never given me any reason to think the kids are in any kinds of danger. The children are his whole world, it's me that has been subjected to his behaviour. I have made a huge effort not to let them be exposed to anything that has gone on given what they have already gone through.

Today has been a particularly difficult day. I feel an intense feeling of guilt for leaving them all, and I feel sad that he didn't turn out to be the man I thought he was. I do know it's for the best, but my god it feels horrendous :(

OP posts:
billy1966 · 08/04/2022 16:23

Yes I can imagine because you are clearly a very kind person.

But being kind to yourself first is YOUR responsibility.

You have been the buffer for the children perhaps.

But he IS an angry alcoholic and no matter how much you have tried, those children will know that.

Give the school the heads up so that they can watch out for any distress from the children.

Crikeyalmighty · 08/04/2022 16:24

I totally understand you and would feel the same but there’s no shame in admitting it’s not for you - you are fully entitled too to want a child of your own and his circumstances mean he is clearly not remotely suitable for you

Original poster
anonng1987 · 08/04/2022 16:27

@billy1966 thank you for your reply. Yes I think I will at least let the school know that I have left, as I am sure it will have an impact on the children.

OP posts:
RoyKentsChestHair · 08/04/2022 16:42

I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so upset about it even though you know you’ve done the right thing. I’ve been where you are, left my narcissistic ex a few months ago and it still hurts every day. But I know it was for the best in the long term because he was like yours, throwing and kicking things, couldn’t ever be wrong, defensive whenever he was picked up on anything. His ex didn’t die but was an alcoholic so the DCs ended up with him full time. We talked about moving in but luckily stayed living apart, but after 9 years together it was a huge wrench to tear myself away from him.

I agree with others to let the school know - it sounds like you were a calming presence in their family and without you he may get worse with the drinking and aggressive behaviour, so at least their school can be on the lookout. From a purely practical POV they need to know you’ve split in case you’re on their system as an emergency contact or someone who can collect them etc.

Original poster
anonng1987 · 08/04/2022 19:09

@RoyKentsChestHair I'm sorry to hear you've experienced something so similar, but glad you managed to get away. I'm sure we'll both feel better for it in time!

To make things harder he has been messaging me today & being really nice. It would be so much easier if he was an arse hole, but I need to remember that's how it works with him...lovely one minute, then I'm getting the silent treatment, preached to, shouted at, or belittled the next...

OP posts:
GiantHaystacks2021 · 09/04/2022 01:08

Keep running, far away from this car crash situation.
You do not need this.

Fireflygal · 09/04/2022 01:20

Know that the messages are manipulative and that a grown man won't change, not for you or anyone else. He will know that replacing you is tough, he isn't going to find someone to take on 4 young children and if he is narcisstic then he may try to date very quickly.

I also recommend telling the school. Does he work? Were the children known to SS beforehand?

billy1966 · 09/04/2022 07:54

Pure manipulation on his part.

Don't rise to it.

You are done.

You deserve a better life than this.Flowers

Original poster
anonng1987 · 09/04/2022 09:32

Even though I know it is manipulation, its hard to accept it isn't him being genuinely nice. He has been nice this morning as well & I miss them all today. I wish this was easier, but I won't change my mind and go back. Need to stay strong!

OP posts:
needmorethanthis · 09/04/2022 09:35

Stay strong. You are only 34. Build your own family!

Rememberitwell · 09/04/2022 09:40

You’ve done the right thing. It’s not a life that most people would choose.

Blanca87 · 09/04/2022 09:48

Block him, you don’t need to be in contact with him just now. Give yourself space and time to heal.

GeneLovesJezebel · 09/04/2022 09:51

You are mourning the life you thought you’d have.
Don’t let him keep dragging you down, onward and upward.

thatweirdhippygirl · 09/04/2022 10:02

OP there is someone out there for you that will treat you like you’re made of gold. This jackass isn’t him. Flowers

Be strong, you deserve a family of your own.

billy1966 · 09/04/2022 10:42

@Blanca87

Block him, you don’t need to be in contact with him just now. Give yourself space and time to heal.
This.

It is manipulation.

He realises he's gone too far.

This is not a good man.

You deserve better.

Don't allow your innate kindness be your un doing.

You deserve a good life and your own family if that is what you want.

liveforsummer · 09/04/2022 10:54

The being nice is all part of the cycle. When it becomes apparent it's not working he will get nasty again then when that backfires he'll beg. It's textbook and agree you could save yourself from the inevitable rollercoaster by blocking. I really feel for you and the dc and can imagine the guilt bit most imagine the situation in 5 years time - approaching 40 still in the same situation except his drinking and abuse will likely have escalated. 4 further damaged dc from witnessing it. Do let school know you are gone and let them know about the drinking too

Original poster
anonng1987 · 09/04/2022 11:36

@liveforsummer thank you, and I totally agree. I have most certainly seen the cycle in him throughout our relationship. He sees how upset I am, apologises, changes temporary, and then the behaviour creeps back gradually before it peaks and we start again. Sometimes the cycle takes a week, sometimes it takes a few weeks, but it also comes back around. I know how he works, and I know its the right thing to do. But yes, the guilt hurts, and I am definitely grieving the loss of what I thought we could have. And I am sad for the children. I will definitely call the school on Monday.

OP posts:
fuckoffImcounting · 09/04/2022 11:45

Invest in your own life OP you have given him enough. He will manage, single mums manage on their own.

Original poster
anonng1987 · 09/04/2022 19:51

Went back to the house today whilst he was out to get some of my clothes and he had left my favourite chocolate out on the side in the kitchen. Talk about messing with my head! Why can I not stop thinking about the good times, rather than remembering the bad ones?! This is the hardest thing I have ever done 😔

OP posts:
billy1966 · 09/04/2022 20:11

Ffs, get a crip OP...
I mean it kindly, but get a grip, a few chocolates!!

You surely aren't so naive at 34?

Give that head a wobble.

Do the Freedomprogramme.co.uk please.

🙏🙏

mathanxiety · 09/04/2022 20:22

You can't shield children from the abuse you have described. There is no way they have escaped its effects, on top of the death of their mother. I assume no support apart from you was put in place for them when that happened.

Please tell the school what has been going on in the home. The silent treatment, the shouting, the throwing , the wall punching, the heavy drinking and hidden bottles - all of it. I would notify SS too. These children are not living in a safe home.

You should also tell the mother's relatives who see the children once a month. Put it all in writing, and include details of incidents and dates if you can. They should have more contact with these relatives. There should be a closer relationship there so that the children can develop enough trust to talk about things that are bothering them. There will be plenty of that.

Please do your best (from a distance) for the children.

mathanxiety · 09/04/2022 20:25

Chocolates, eh?

He really is prince charming..