Parasitic ex has taken DD's savings

[cool4cats2020]

My ex has always been terrible with money - in debt when we met (which I bailed out), made our life challenging financially throughout our relationship. And even after splitting up 7 years ago, has bounced from one financial calamity to another - in debt constantly, no money and nothing to show for it, all whilst living on the breadline. A total mystery where it goes. She alcoholic, and has mental health issues (BPD), so is very up and down and inconsistent. Sometimes she's fine with me, other times she's the most vile, nastiest person you could imagine.

We've got 3 kids together (aged 8 to 13yrs). Nearly every time they are due to visit her (eow generally), she messages me at the last minute asking to 'borrow' money so she can afford to feed the kids. Generally nothing ever gets paid back, but if it enables the agreed contact to me maintained then so bit it. She's never paid me a penny in maintenance since the kids moved to me from her (at insistence of social services). I've kept track of what I've lent her, and it's been hovering at around £1000 for some time now.

Ex has just split up with her current partner though (and it was current partner who was working and bringing in the household income, ex herself hasn't worked in ages and just collects some universal credits/JSA). So now she's in an even bigger mess financially - single with no partner income to sustain her. Probably won't be able to stay in the 2 bed flat she's renting - the LL has already said they wouldn't give her a tenancy just in her name. If she ends up somewhere smaller a) it won't be any cheaper because rents have increased over what she's paying, and b) it won't be big enough for her to have overnight contact with the kids. It probably sounds bonkers, but I've been seriously considering just giving my ex a weekly allowance to help her keep a roof over her head so the kids can keep up meaningful contact with their mum.

Eldest (DD 13) is very loyal to her mum, and has started making noises about wanting to go and live with her (in my DD's words - so she can help to look after her mum). Obviously that's undesirable due to aforementioned alcoholism and social services involvement.

But today I've found out that DD has transferred all of the money from her savings account that I'd been building up as a nest egg for her (several thousand pounds), to her mum. This happened a couple of months ago, and the account balance has sat at zero ever since. Looking back through the statements it started off as lending her £50 here and there, which was generally repaid. Then £3k was withdrawn over the space of a few weeks, couple of hundred at a time.

DD says she transferred the money to her mum of her own accord - ex hasn't accessed her accounts and done it herself, allegedly. I've warned DD not to lend money to her mum ever since she got access to online baking (and I became aware of £20 here and there going from and then back to her current account). DD says ex is going to pay it all back - clearly no chance of that since she's more in debt than ever, no longer has a partner to subsidise her, and hasn't yet paid anything back since the money was taken.

I'm bitterly disappointed with DD for giving all her savings away (but more for not telling me what was going on, and covering her tracks). I thought she was old enough and mature enough to have some financial responsibility (she is generally very level headed and well behaved). But absolutely kicking myself for letting it happen, knowing how manipulative my ex can be. And now concerned DD is turning into her own mother.

Firstly make sure your ex cannot access any other money belonging to any of the kids.

Beyond that there is sadly little you can do. You can let Ex know that you expect dd to be repaid. But you know it won't happen.

I'd not let dd live with her mum if you can possibly help it as it looks like she will just bleed her dry.

Maybe in few weeks when the dust has settled sit dd down and explain what the money was for and how much things that she wants will cost.

It a tough on. DB going through similar with his ex and teen dd. She just takes 'stuff' to her mums (clothes, food, equipment) and if asked says mum can't afford it. Then expects her dad to replace it...

Woah! Where did that last line come from?

Your DD is a child who has been manipulated by her mum, someone who it's natural for her to want to trust. The problem is entirely the adults in this situation not her. Mostly her mum, but I would also be kicking myself if I'd put my DS in this position.

My eldest is 13 and he has a little money but not access to thousands and definitely not if there was a manipulative ex in the picture!

Please don't blame her, it's bad enough her mum stole it.

I understand your disappointment and frustration, but there's nothing in what you have shared that suggests she's becoming like her mum.

She's still a child! And hasn't been stealing money or acting selfishly. If anything, she's guilty of naïveté, (which is to be expected from a child with limited life experience) and trying to help someone she loves and believes to be in need. That's not a bad thing, just unfortunately misplaced in this circumstance. She doesn't have the extensive history of this pattern of behaviour with her mum that you do.

Be gentle with her as she is likely to be let down massively by her mum and will need your support. It's going to be a very painful lesson to learn and you should be thinking ahead about how to help her through it.

Lighten up on the poor dear.

Surely she is the very opposite of her mother if she gives her money away instead of taking it. It sounds like she is much more like you. Tbf, she has actually followed your example as you gave her mother money too.

I would have a chat with her and tell her that whilst kindness is a good thing, it is not her job to look after her parents. It is your job to look after her. And also, that it was wrong of her mum to accept that money.

Also, that it's wrong to try and buy a persons affections or think that giving them money will make them treat you right. Because it won't. Not if it's not in their nature.

You need to have a Frank discussion about how borderline personality disorder can present through manipulations and a discussion about abuse.

I'd also ask the mother to put a payment plan in place for repaying her daughter. I'd maybe go through a solicitor and have a letter sent. Worth a try.

Your child needs emotional support so that she doesn't grow up to befriend and date people who will manipulate her. Don't be mad at her mistake, just help to teach her how to avoid making it again.

Letting your 13 year old have access to several thousand pounds was irresponsible

I’ve been that child. I thought that I could fix my parent and my biggest fear was that they would die alone. I would have done the same. My other parent stopped me and I hated them for it.

Why did your 13 year old have access to so much money?

Your last sentence is quite disturbing!

That's awful. But not sure why you set up savings that DD can access?

I doubt she will get it back. Instead of money could you send food & treats to ex when you drop girls off?

I suppose as single person with no children full time she's not entitled to much financial support.

I don't think you should criticise ex in front of DD as it may make her more protective of Mum.

Set up premium bonds & don't tell the kids.

Your 13yo is being abused by her mother. Taking her money, even with “consent” is abuse.

Your 13yo is far too young to have developed the skills necessary for dealing with the complex emotions involved in having an alcoholic parent. You have to remember that even if kids are being beaten, they still crave love from their parents. Having an irresponsible addict for a mother is no different. She will do anything to get her mother to offer her affection because it is hardwired into her biology. It is going to take her years and a great deal of maturity to learn that she has to protect herself and do so consistently . Until then, you must protect her.

Step 1. Apologize to your daughter for not doing enough to support her in her interactions with her mother
Step 2. Put a credit watch on all of your children, but especially your oldest. It is very common for addicts to use their children’s information illicitly because they have easy access and because family is hesitant to report.

Yeah, I’m not sure letting your dd have access to all that money was wise. My dds have accounts and don’t know how much is in them and don’t have access to them. One dd has an account with a card she can use for small things. I’d never tell them how much was in their other accounts.

I think that you need to tell the ex that unless your DD gets her money back from her you'll report her to the police for financial abuse and potentially fraud.
Your ex chooses to be an alcoholic
Your ex chooses not to work.

She can choose to fund her own lifestyle.

Your dd is nothing like her mum. It sounds like she was emotionally manipulated dvd when it comes to mum's, I can see why she would cave easily.

You made a massive mistake giving her access to the money. There is a reason why kids are given access to big sums like this at 18+ Your dd should have a current account with pocket money but savings are for when she needs a big sum like for a car etc If your younger kids have nest eggs, don't give them access at 13.

This isn't your DDs fault at all. How is she turning into her mother ?
She copying your behaviour by giving her mother money and wanting to support her.

She isn't turning into her mum, she's turning into her dad in that she's funding a manipulative alcoholic.

If you as an adult were manipulated by her and handed over thousands as a result then why do you think a 13 year old is in any way equipped to deal with it better than you were?

You've continued to enable her even after splitting. Again, how can you expect more from a child than you do from yourself? Let alone with the added complication that she's her mother.

You're transferring your anger at your ex and yourself onto your little girl. Which she is in the grand scheme of things.

She's a child. Please don't let her ever hear those words from your mouth - that she's turning into her mum, and don't say it to her mum either as she will weaponise it to drive a wedge between you and your daughter.

Tbf op, you can't blame your child for being manipulated by her mother when you, an adult, have been manipulated by her too in the same way.

I think you need to take a look at why you are so quick to jump to 'she is turning into her mother'. You need to be careful of that mindset. It may be part of what is driving her more towards her mum. The contempt you have for one person should never be misplaced towards another. Even if she reminds you of her mum, she is not her.

Also, you have unfortunately, failed to protect your daughter from this abuse. The mistake was not hers, it was yours. It's your job to anticipate hurts that might come her way. You know what her mother is like. Why didn't you see this coming? And why are you so quick to be disapointed in your child's mistake, when you yourself are the one that's fucked things up.

Double Standards!!!

You are considering giving your ex an allowance as you are worried about her survival.

Your daughter, who is only 13, obviously shares the same concerns.

Alcoholics are some of the most manipulative people ever. At 13, your daughter isn't emotionally equipped to deal with an alcoholic. Very few adults even are!!

How bad is your Ex? Is it even in your children's best interests to have their mum in their life at the moment? Do you still have involvement with social services? Maybe seek their support as dealing with this must be extremely difficult.

She isn't turning into her mum, she's turning into her dad in that she's funding a manipulative alcoholic

This

At that age why would she need access to the account ? Would you have been better keeping the access limited until at least 16/18 ?

OP I feel for you I really do but please, your daughter is 13 and, I quote 'And now concerned DD is turning into her own mother'....is that what you really really think at 13 years of age? The poor girl is a) desperately trying to help her mum and b) portray a 'normal family life'......been there...trust me...she really need you to support her and PLEASE not punish her x

Don't ever give your ex money again. İt's not your job to help her to have a relationship with her children's. İf you enable her to not take responsibility for her own actions, then you're teaching your children that it's okay to enable her too. Even if she ends up on the street or in a shelter, it's still not your job to make sure she has a relationship with her children. You're only teaching everyone that you can carry on messing up and people will bail you out, and that people can keep on messing up and it's our jobs to keep bailing them out. İf she has her kids at weekends she will be entitled to a bedroom allowance and be able claim the rent element of universal credit for however many bedrooms that is. I knew someone who had one of her kids live with their father full time and she was allowed to claim a bedroom for him for his weekend visits.

Your ex doesn't sound suitable to have your kids EOW. Surely she would be better visiting or meeting in public where you can be near by.

Please, please get your daughter into therapy, now.

This isn't her fault. Children of alcoholics struggle so much. If she doesn't get therapy now, she'll need so much more later.

I cannot believe you gave a theirteen-year-old access to thousands of pounds and then are surprised that she very generously gave it away.

What other things from the adult world do you think that poor child is capable of handling maturely?

Don't blame your daughter.

She isn't turning into her mum, she's turning into her dad in that she's funding a manipulative alcoholic

Yes.