Parasitic ex has taken DD's savings

[cool4cats2020]

My ex has always been terrible with money - in debt when we met (which I bailed out), made our life challenging financially throughout our relationship. And even after splitting up 7 years ago, has bounced from one financial calamity to another - in debt constantly, no money and nothing to show for it, all whilst living on the breadline. A total mystery where it goes. She alcoholic, and has mental health issues (BPD), so is very up and down and inconsistent. Sometimes she's fine with me, other times she's the most vile, nastiest person you could imagine.

We've got 3 kids together (aged 8 to 13yrs). Nearly every time they are due to visit her (eow generally), she messages me at the last minute asking to 'borrow' money so she can afford to feed the kids. Generally nothing ever gets paid back, but if it enables the agreed contact to me maintained then so bit it. She's never paid me a penny in maintenance since the kids moved to me from her (at insistence of social services). I've kept track of what I've lent her, and it's been hovering at around £1000 for some time now.

Ex has just split up with her current partner though (and it was current partner who was working and bringing in the household income, ex herself hasn't worked in ages and just collects some universal credits/JSA). So now she's in an even bigger mess financially - single with no partner income to sustain her. Probably won't be able to stay in the 2 bed flat she's renting - the LL has already said they wouldn't give her a tenancy just in her name. If she ends up somewhere smaller a) it won't be any cheaper because rents have increased over what she's paying, and b) it won't be big enough for her to have overnight contact with the kids. It probably sounds bonkers, but I've been seriously considering just giving my ex a weekly allowance to help her keep a roof over her head so the kids can keep up meaningful contact with their mum.

Eldest (DD 13) is very loyal to her mum, and has started making noises about wanting to go and live with her (in my DD's words - so she can help to look after her mum). Obviously that's undesirable due to aforementioned alcoholism and social services involvement.

But today I've found out that DD has transferred all of the money from her savings account that I'd been building up as a nest egg for her (several thousand pounds), to her mum. This happened a couple of months ago, and the account balance has sat at zero ever since. Looking back through the statements it started off as lending her £50 here and there, which was generally repaid. Then £3k was withdrawn over the space of a few weeks, couple of hundred at a time.

DD says she transferred the money to her mum of her own accord - ex hasn't accessed her accounts and done it herself, allegedly. I've warned DD not to lend money to her mum ever since she got access to online baking (and I became aware of £20 here and there going from and then back to her current account). DD says ex is going to pay it all back - clearly no chance of that since she's more in debt than ever, no longer has a partner to subsidise her, and hasn't yet paid anything back since the money was taken.

I'm bitterly disappointed with DD for giving all her savings away (but more for not telling me what was going on, and covering her tracks). I thought she was old enough and mature enough to have some financial responsibility (she is generally very level headed and well behaved). But absolutely kicking myself for letting it happen, knowing how manipulative my ex can be. And now concerned DD is turning into her own mother.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/alateen/

Agree with pp. You've let your daughter down and failed to protect her. You need to be apologising to her and arranging some support/therapy for her. She is being abused by her mother and neglected by you. It's not okay. What were you thinking, giving her access to so much money? Are you expecting her to be more "mature" and "adult" and not allowing her to have a childhood? It's way, way too much for a young child to handle. She needs you to be the adult here. She deserves love and protection.

Another who thinks you're getting a hard time. However I do think its not just your daughter who's naive, you should have known your daughter would do this, she desperately wants to help her mum.

If you want to let your daughter have access to money let her have one of those cards where you load money on for them and can keep tabs on what they spend it on. She's not being mean about the money she thinks she's helping her mum. If you have been saving for all the kids check their accounts as well.

Don't send your ex money, don't let the kids visit with money other than pocket money.

Contact SS with your concerns, not mumsnet.

Try to support your kids in dealing with an alcoholic mother but don't enable her.

[quote GregBrawlsInDogJail]www.al-anonuk.org.uk/alateen/[/quote]
The above groups will be able to support your DD etc. to be able to understand the family disease of alcoholism. Your DD is acting like lots of adults do in this situation, by enabling, falling for the lies, manipulative behaviour.
Is your DD’s school aware of the situation? Have you discussed the current situation with social services? Just wondering if it’s safe for your children to have unsupervised contact with their mum.
Your ex can use a food bank, if she’s short of food. Addicts need to feel the consequences of their poor choices, before they realise that they need to seek recovery.

Woah! That’s an awful thing to say about your daughter.

She is 13, she is obviously trying to help her mum. She won’t see the bigger picture, that’s her mum and she wants to look after her even though it shouldn’t work like that - is she exploring these feelings in therapy? I think she will need to at some point.

Do you not see the hypocrisy in you lending your ex money, wanting to pay her an allowance and then being mad at your daughter for doing the same?!

None of this is in any way your daughter’s
Fault. She is a 13 year old child. She has been given the responsibilities of an adult in managing a big amount of money, and also the responsibility of observing the actions of an alcoholic adult and no doubt looking after younger siblings.

Could you go back to social services about the money and say how damaging contact this regular and unsupervised is?

You raised a kind young person, of course she is going to want to help her mum. Unfortunately there is a massive power imbalance there so you need to help your DD safeguard her money and not have a go at her for trying to help.

Financial abuse is a thing. Fully grown adults, often elderly people, are manipulated by people they've never even met into giving thousands of pounds away. Abused adults in romantic relationships are financially abused to the point that they have nothing left. They are victims and so is your daughter.

Please don’t blame DD. Her mother is probably manipulating her, and she probably feels sorry for her mum, and in some warped way feels responsible for her. She is definitely not turning into her! Please don’t think that.

Just make sure in future that DD can’t access any savings you make for her. I think they can be held in trust until she’s 25. And be as supportive to DD as you can. She’s going through a really tough time with these confusing feelings about her mum. Try to persuade her not to live with her, that would be really destructive. You really need to be there for her.

Your DD is doing exactly what you are doing - enabling her mum to continue drinking.

You MUST stop enabling her with money. PPs have suggested how you can stop doing this.

You MUST stop making your 13 year old child responsible for monitoring her mum's drinking. That's just so far out of line, it's like your ex's alcoholic insanity has infected your own thinking. THAT is why she wants to go and live with her mum - she believes she is responsible for keeping her mum sober and that she can control whether or not her mum drinks.

When it comes to alcoholism
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

Both you and your DD (and your younger ones in time) would benefit from Al-Anon services to help you "detach with love" from your ex's drinking.

Your poor DD, please access some help for her urgently. Speak to the school and get CAMHS involvement. Please.

I'm a recovering alcoholic. I only started recovering when the people around me stopped enabling my drinking and protecting me from the consequences of my behaviours.

This is a really sad situation. But this is entirely your fault for giving a child access to thousands of pounds.

As the daughter of a mother who has similar financial issues and mental health issues, I too have felt responsibility for her over the years, giving her money, buying her food and really struggling mentally with feeling like I need to do something.

Your job as her parent is to protect her. Unfortunately I didn’t have another parent to turn to, but your concern here needs to be getting that money back in whatever way it takes and improving your relationship with your 13 year old, getting her therapy and supporting her.

I'm bitterly disappointed with DD for giving all her savings away…And now concerned DD is turning into her own mother.

I'm now reliant on my eldest DD being able to identify if/when ex is drinking/not coping

Fuck me. Your poor DD. She’s 13 and you’re putting all this on her. Sounds like her mother isn’t the only manipulative one around.

There are few parents, who would allow their 13 year old access to thousands of pounds. Many of them would blow the money. Your dd otoh was manipulated into giving hers away.

It sounds as though you and your children, especially your dd would benefit from family therapy. I’d save the money you would give to your ex and spend it on some therapy. Child psychologists can be very good and help parents as well as the child.

Allowing your dd access to this money knowing that she has a manipulative alcoholic mother was totally your responsibility. You cannot expect a child to withstand the abuse from a parent. I hope you now see that and apologise to your dd for your reaction.

Your dd is a child suffering from abuse and she sounds really lovely but also confused. And nothing like her mother.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

She isn't turning into her mum, she's turning into her dad in that she's funding a manipulative alcoholic.

If you as an adult were manipulated by her and handed over thousands as a result then why do you think a 13 year old is in any way equipped to deal with it better than you were?

You've continued to enable her even after splitting. Again, how can you expect more from a child than you do from yourself? Let alone with the added complication that she's her mother.

You're transferring your anger at your ex and yourself onto your little girl. Which she is in the grand scheme of things.

She's a child. Please don't let her ever hear those words from your mouth - that she's turning into her mum, and don't say it to her mum either as she will weaponise it to drive a wedge between you and your daughter.

Spot on.

So not only is your 13 yr old subjected to parental coercion to give her money away- which you gave her free access to- she is also expected to be aware of whether or not her mum is capable of parenting or is under the influence?! Seriously- the responsibility you are putting on a child is seriously unfair!!!!

Some posters may think I’ve been harsh. And yes, for good reason. Children have a right to a childhood. I’m on your daughter and her siblings side of this.

According to your post they are dealing with one parent who has alcoholism. They need a parent who protects them and shields them and seeks to give them the childhood all children deserve. Not to have to deal with the other parent taking out their emotional issues on them or expecting them to take on adult responsibilities.

I know of someone who’s mum would say to them: ‘you’re just like your father.’ And who’s dad would say: ‘you’re just like your mother.’

That person is not just like either of them. They have their own identity. That person had nothing to do with either parent as an adult. That’s what can result when two parents take the issues they have with one another and put it on their kids.

You need to go back to the courts. Or get back in touch with social services. Given light to the change in circumstances it may change things.

It's wrong to put such a responsibility on a child shoulders. She is not a grown up and she doesn't owe you anything. You owe her protection. She hasn't failed you. You've failed her. Time to fix it.