How should a relationship look if you don't live together?

[Cupcake00]

I have been married and divorced. I went back to university and worked really hard to build a career to be financially secure (I had alot of debt after I separated from my dcs dad). Bought a house last year after a very difficult few years and finally feeling secure financially. I'm a single parent so obviously money is still tight.
Met someone at work who lives with his mum due to separating from his dcs mum.
I knew he was struggling with debt when we first met. I could understand the difficulty as I had been there. We have been dating just over a year and he is still with his mum. He has secured his debt into one debt only to help him by financially. He often says, he will never be able to afford to move out of his mums as rent is so high. Or until he no longer has to pay maintenance. Its completely his business and I have continued to date him. However, recently I have started to think about the future. Would the next step be living together. If not then is there a future. I have a few niggles and question what relationships should look like if not living together.
He gambles, says its just 5 pound a month. He also smokes and enjoys a few drinks when watching football, which is probably every other week. He doesn't drive so I drive if we ever go anywhere (not that we do). Again, completely up to him how he chooses to spend his money and live his life. He mainly comes over, twice a week. I cook and he gets a taxi home. I then feel guilty for him to pay taxi fayres but I'm not comfortable with him staying over. Should I be a year on?
I haven't met his dcs yet as his ex does not want me to. I'm not sure she ever will.
He's a really kind person and would do anything for me if I asked him. He often tells me how lucky he is. I have dated in the past and I know how difficult it is to find someone genuinely kind.

He's never stayed over after a year together? Do you have your own DC?

Sorry, just re read OP and you are a single parent. Has he met them?

If it were me, I wouldn't continue with the relationship, it sounds like it's going nowhere imo

Lives with his Mother and doesn't drive? Nah.

Yes, he has my my dcs. I'm not sure why I'm unclear with him staying over. I thought it was because I have been on my own a very long time.
May people have to live with parents/friends after a split as it's a financial strain. I understand why. I'm just unsure he has a clear plan. The driving I have always questioned to myself, only because I'd be lost without my car as I travel for work and my dcs always need to be somewhere.

So...

lives with his mother 🚩
Doesn't drive 🚩
Large debt 🚩
Smokes 🚩
Some gut feeling is stopping you having him sleep over with your kids home 🚩

Hmm, need I say more? Plenty more fish. If his sole positive attribute is he is kind then meh. There are a lot of kind men with their own place, a driving license, no debt and in good health.

I do find it bizarre that he hasn't stayed over in a year. What is it that you don't like the idea of with that?

It's a difficult one, I can see why you're conflicted. I guess if his situation is circumstantial (high debt, low wage, no alternative living arrangements) there is something to be said for giving it time. But on the flip side there are a lot of little niggly things like not driving (I don't drive yet so I can see why this is a big thing), not having anywhere to spend your time other than yours, not seeing how responsible he is given he doesn't really have any responsibilities. Have you ever been round his at his mums? Does she do everything for him?

You have been together for a year

Where is the fun ?
Where is the laughter ?
What do you do for fun together ?

He could pay off his debts & move out, but he chooses not to

He seems too passive, no spark

I really don't know why. I just like going to bed alone and waking up alone. Strange I know 🙈 I just feel more relaxed. Like I said, maybe as I'm used to it. It's been a very long time.
Before meeting him, I would have put a red flag against these too. I have dated and it's difficult.
I thought it would be a time thing. However, I'm not sure this is the case. I was wondering if people can live separately but still have a fulfilling relationship and what that may look like. I don't know if someone will ever tick all of the boxes.

His mum cooks for him. He does everything else. I think she occasionally takes his dcs home when they visit.

We have been to the cinema and ate out a few times. I don't suggest it anymore as I drive so much for work etc, I just don't want to. I do feel like it's me suggesting it and I am aware he doesn't have much money.
I end up cooking at home.

Can you all tell me what you do for fun? Laughs?

I live separately from my bf. We have a list if things we want to do together as the ideas are so constant. We go to parties together, we go to art exhibitions, plays, movies, we're walking the Thames Path together bit by bit, we go on weekends away, we visit historical sites together. In a couple of weeks we're doing a cookery course together. We're lucky to have money obviously! But some of these don't cost a lot, we walk all the time to see things we want to see or just to pubs, we cook together a lot, we watch TV together and we are constantly sending each other podcast links and jokes. We're thinking about doing a 5k run event together.

I didn't want to share a bed for a while so mostly stayed at his as he has a spare room. But we've now moved on and do share a bed when we see each other. I love waking up together and sharing our time. I miss him when he's not there but also do like having my own space with ds.

PermanentTemporary - sounds lovely. Can you tell me who suggests and arranges these things? I feel like it's me leading all of the time. Even the tv. He says we will watch what you want. Or walk where you want. I sometimes feel like I need him to take a bit more of a lead. Only because as a parent, we are always planning/pre organising.
I try to think of things that don't cost. However, we do need to drive to these places. I have noticed this annoying me more than what it did at the beginning.

The only things I consider there as red flags are the gambling while pleading poverty, and smoking and drinking (presumably out) when trying to clear debts. I wouldn't trust anyone who says they only gamble £5 a month.

Relationship breaking down and having to move back home with parents is fair enough. That's quite normal for the NRP unfortunately.

I think one key factor in a healthy relationship is financial compatibility. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to have similar incomes, more important is attitude to money and finances. My ex was terrible with money, and I'm very diligent financially. With hindsight that put a strain on the relationship.

Yes, people can live separately and have fulfilling relationships. But to never stay together overnight or have any long term plans doesn't sound like any kind of relationship at all.

I do question the 5 pound. However, wouldn't have a clue how betting on a phone would work. Apparently you get offers sent back. I don't know. I question the smoking/alcohol when he says he wants to move out. He does say, he needs something for him. He works for it. I do believe we all deserve something as we work hard. Even though its not what I would spend my money on, I question what his clear plans and desires are to actually move out. He says he's stuck. I have recently started to think that maybe he wants to move in with me. My goals and values on money seem to be different. I don't feel comfortable with anyone living with me.
I do think the difference in financial views would definitely put a strain on us if we lived together.

£5 per day, per week, per month gamble/betting ?

You don't have to live with anyone, ever

You don't sound compatible & he doesn't sound like any fun
He seems to put in zero effort

It's pretty equal. One of us spots somewhere want to do, discusses it with the other and then books/organises it.

I guess what I'm saying is that great relationships don't need you to live together but you do need to be proactive in making it work, just like a cohabiting relationship.

Now you've become financially secure, I think you'd be mad to live with a man in debt, you'll end up paying his share, don't move him and definitely don't marry him.

It does sound as if you would like more out of life and he is happy enough as things are, plus he's going to struggle to expand what you do with zero cash.

5 pounds a month. I'm wondering if we are at all compatible. It's little things he says now that probably didn't bother me before.
Maybe, I'm to blame too. I don't have any desire to make plans now. It feels like too much effort and I shouldn't feel that way.

Nothing you have said suggests he is a catch in any way whatsoever

Raise your standards

He's kind, caring, would do anything for me, good with my dcs, listens, he says lovely things, he's a loving dad, friendly.
What do you think, makes someone a catch?

I don't and never will live with my DP (of 3 years).

He doesn't smoke or gamble. We go to the cinema, got to gigs,.comedy clubs, days at the seaside, museums, theatre, parties, dinner, watch films, go to zoos and have many weekends away / plus our main holiday every year. We see each other 3/4 nights a week.

He says over because I (and he) want that time together - I was single for 6 years before him.

To me this feels like the best relationship I've ever had, it feels strong and committed.

I don't think you really like him very much.

It doesn’t sound as if this relationship makes you happy.
I live apart from my partner, in different towns. See each other every other weekend and maybe a bit in between. Can’t move in together yet because of the kids and their schools/other parents.
But we have an amazing relationship. Talk all the time, when together we just have so much fun.
Find someone that makes you happy and you can have fun with.

You can have a happy relationship without living together, I don't know why so many people are desperate to move in together, way better to keep your own space. All the BF's I've had I've told them early on I have no intention of living with them.
Certainly don't let him live with you if he's a gambler, I'm hoping he works and is paying off debt each month.

So he gets out the house 2 evenings a week and you cook his tea rather than his mum cooking his tea.

What do you get out of this?

What makes someone a catch is that they want to be with you, they plan things with you, you want to be with them , you fancy them, they make you laugh, you trust them, you do fun things together but also can just sit and chill together ...

I lived separately from my OH for 5 years, we mainly saw each other at weekends, though there were some times in the week we'd go to each other's house and we always holidayed together too.

We recently bought a house together and are very happy.

I don't think there's anything wrong with not living together and seeing each other only part of the week, it's the rest of the stuff you are saying about him that isn't appealing ... smoking, living with his mum, no money etc etc ...