How should a relationship look if you don't live together?

[Cupcake00]

I have been married and divorced. I went back to university and worked really hard to build a career to be financially secure (I had alot of debt after I separated from my dcs dad). Bought a house last year after a very difficult few years and finally feeling secure financially. I'm a single parent so obviously money is still tight.
Met someone at work who lives with his mum due to separating from his dcs mum.
I knew he was struggling with debt when we first met. I could understand the difficulty as I had been there. We have been dating just over a year and he is still with his mum. He has secured his debt into one debt only to help him by financially. He often says, he will never be able to afford to move out of his mums as rent is so high. Or until he no longer has to pay maintenance. Its completely his business and I have continued to date him. However, recently I have started to think about the future. Would the next step be living together. If not then is there a future. I have a few niggles and question what relationships should look like if not living together.
He gambles, says its just 5 pound a month. He also smokes and enjoys a few drinks when watching football, which is probably every other week. He doesn't drive so I drive if we ever go anywhere (not that we do). Again, completely up to him how he chooses to spend his money and live his life. He mainly comes over, twice a week. I cook and he gets a taxi home. I then feel guilty for him to pay taxi fayres but I'm not comfortable with him staying over. Should I be a year on?
I haven't met his dcs yet as his ex does not want me to. I'm not sure she ever will.
He's a really kind person and would do anything for me if I asked him. He often tells me how lucky he is. I have dated in the past and I know how difficult it is to find someone genuinely kind.

TBH, it sounds like you're both kind of happy? settled? with this being a dating scenario rather than a partnership. Is that what you want?

Someone on an equal (ok 80%) practical and aspirational footing is a given for a "catch".

There's no obligation for the relationship ever to go anywhere. You don't want anyone living with you, and he's quite happy living with his dm. I don't live with my dp either. We go out, walk on the beach, go for a drive, visit National Trust, day trips, gigs.

He does work and he is paying his debt.
I have never had intentions of living with anyone again. It's just his situation. I honestly think he is hoping to move in with me at some point. I have never crossed it off but the more I learn, the more I know I couldn't live with him.
I'm not sure what I'm getting. I have hinted for him to cook. When I have suggested cinema or a walk, he is always up for going. I just feel like I'm always the one leading.
I suppose I have come to realise, I don't want to live with him. Then question what it really is. I sometimes think, surely there should be more to this. Reading the comments, there should be.
I think it's enough for him. I know I will really hurt him.

I know someone, been together 8+ years. Live 150 miles apart. She goes there, he goes to hers.
They have a fulfilled & happy life together. No issues. Lots of activities. Both financially independent. Not living in one another’s pocket works for them.
I have another friend whose husband used to gamble “only £20” on the horses at weekends when they first met,
He then started placing bets via an account with the bookies over the phone. The debt grew bigger & bigger. He was a liar and broke her heart. Eventually they divorced.
Gamblers and smokers will invariably lie about the money or the number of fags they smoke.
Don’t go there, your gut is telling you something. Back out now. He sounds really boring. You can do better!

I don't know. I mean he is paying off debt, fair enough (gambling debt though?) He must have a huge amount of debt if he is still living at his mothers and has no money.

He also doesn't drive. That must be a pita. he gambles (yet has no money and can't afford to move out)
He smokes and drinks (but has no money and can't afford to move out)
Seems his priorities are a little out of whack, no?
If he is living at his mothers, are ALL his wages going on his debt and maintenance? I find that hard to believe.

He comes to yours and eats there twice a week. Does he ever buy the food or offer to cook for you? And then you feel bad about him paying for a taxi back? Why? Hes getting 2 free dinners a week. Also how does he get to yours?

You say he is kind and caring and will do anything for you (except drive, move out of his mothers, pay for stuff, take you out) and hes lucky to have you (he sounds very lucky to have you).
And that hes a kind dad. But you've not met his dc, so you really do not know the situation there or what kind of dad he is. And why is his ex dictating you can't meet the dc if you've been together a year? Are you sure thats the reason op? And if so, if hes serious about you, why isn't he sorting that out?

Obviously don't know him, but he does not seem to be making any effort to be independent. That would really put me off a man, however kind they came across.

Although if you don't want to live with him, but happy with this setup, just carry on. If you want more of a committed relationship/partnership/being a family, then I'm not sure he is sounding like a viable option.

Been with mine for 7 years, neither of us have never lived with anyone and still live at home. I stay round his once a week, he's never stayed round mine. It doesn't make me happy and I don't think it'll last much longer the way it is as he's very happy with the current arrangement of me coming over when he's bored, then he's out first thing in the morning until I leave. Although he doesn't smoke or gamble he did go clubbing regularly without me for the first few years and still lies about where he is and turns his phone off to get rid of me. I think we both deserve better to be honest

@Cupcake00

He's kind, caring, would do anything for me, good with my dcs, listens, he says lovely things, he's a loving dad, friendly. What do you think, makes someone a catch?

What makes someone a catch is when it never ever crosses your mind to post on a forum about stuff that's bothering you in your relationship, because you know you can bring it up with them, and have a healthy discussion, with an outcome resolves your issues.

It's not him, is it. Otherwise you wouldn't be here.

I sometimes think, surely there should be more to this

Who or what do you think gets to decide what your relationship should be like, @Cupcake00? Who or what is it that has the right to tell you how things 'should' be?

I am a man. I think he is really lucky to have a relationship in spite of debt. Probably because of knowing a good person through work. I take it that lets you get a feel of each others characters through time and troubles rather than just say dating profile criteria? If you have that and a year of dinner dates would it be too intimate to discuss money? Maybe safer to suggest discussing this with citizens advice beaureux?
How long till he is debt free?
If he is simply paying down his consolidated debt as quickly as possible he might be paying a lot more than the minimum necessary. My take is that if you put yourself through stringent austerity you can get out of debt faster but if you have a relationship you probably need to have a bit of money to spend now again. Taxis do sound very expensive. Is walking or cycling not an option? If I were him I would consider being in debt a bit longer in order to have a couple of hundred pounds every so often for fun. In the end the problem is lack of low cost housing. Bear in mind some 'homeowners' are in hawk for twenty five years and manage to have a bit of a life in the meantime. Well done getting your own life back on track. Maybe you deserve a partner with your oomph or maybe you are complimentary. He probably knows you are out of his league really. Just opinions of a stranger.

I think you deserve better, you worked hard to be wear you are, is he working hard? No. You need to end this relationship, as it's given you nothing, and deep down I think you may know this. Believe in yourself

OP keep doing whatever works for you. There is always this pressure to conform to what everyone expects us to do. I'm a single parent and my DP lives on his own. He struggles with money and we don't see each other that much (once or twice a fortnight) but it works for us as I'm busy with the kids and work.

Also, much as I love my DP, if he moved in, I just get the feeling the dynamics would change negatively. My kids probably wouldn't like it and I feel most of my relationships have broken down because of the overfamiliarity and day to day crap. Right now, I always feel like my DP and I are in that honeymoon phase.

I was thinking about this guy again. Everyone is different so I suppose the spark between every couple is even more different. With that in mind I would suggest he might have a bit more self respect here if he stopped the taxis* but used the taxi money to go out for a coffee or a film together even just monthly if that is something you are both into ie introducing some activities where he is initiating variety. Better weather is coming anyway.

• unless taxis are a safety issue where you two live

Thankyou everyone. I have only just read the message. I have been unwell.
I haven't seen him as I have had to isolate. I haven't missed him but I have been too unwell to even think about it.
It's not gambling debt. Apparently him and his ex had lots on finance so he has been left to pay it off.
Apparently his ex did not want the split. All I know is she can be difficult. I really don't want to be involved so if that means not seeing his dcs then I have been ok about that. However, that's another thing that doesn't feel right.
He has recently said he has given up smoking.
He pays the taxi fayres to get home so can't save on taxis to spend on other things.
I agree with doing what is comfortable for me and nobody should be telling me how. However, I know how difficult it can be to find someone that actually accepts you fir you. I do believe he's a nice guy. I just think we have had different views on life/relationships.
He has messaged saying how much he has missed me and he has never missed anyone like this before. When I'm better do I want to go out etc. I just feel flat. I can't actually remember feeling excited though. Dating has been hard. I do wonder if when we get older, we feel less excited. I don't know!

Hi op. I've recently ended a relationship Witt a man I didn't live with. He lived in his own flat and had no debt and didn't drink or smoke. What I couldn't tolerate was the complete lack of mental load bearing. No effort was made to organise or plan anything going forward. As with your partner he was always enthusiastic if I sorted something but my resentment built up to the point of rage. When I stopped doing anything I realised he would just sleep in the day in my living room and eat what I cooked. Honestly stuff that.

Sorry op, he sounds like a cocklodger in the making.

I'd throw this one back and look elsewhere.

pastypirate thanks for your message. How did he take it? Were you together long? It's frustrating. I don't think this guy ever did much with his ex. My dcs are a little older and I want to be able to do things as I never have previously due to being single and no childcare.
Thats another thing, he really looks forward to doing nothing. I'm not mocking that as its his choice. Especially if you work hard. He doesn't really like hard work. He can spend a whole day in bed. Again, that's up to him and some people find this relaxing. I couldn't think of anything worse. Again, we are different.

I'm not sure I want to get out there dating again, it's hard. I honestly think this will be the end and I will be alone. I'm early 40's. It gets harder with age, don't you think?

TBH he does have red flags...but I think you need to be honest with him too as it sounds like he has a very different idea about how he'd like things to progress than you. You really don't sound like you love him.

I think the red flags are sort of red herrings to be honest. You just don't fancy him enough, don't have enough spark or fun with him. I'm 48 and a single mum too and definitely would want more than this, I would want to be really looking forward to seeing someone, be having little tummy flipping thoughts about him. I am dating someone for nearly as long as you are, we only see each other every two weeks or so but we go out, we go dancing maybe, we drive around and listen to loud music, we have great sex. It's not necessarily going anywhere but by God does it add sparkle to my life. So I'm not even pondering these weighty questions.

Take things at your pace. If you prefer sleeping and waking alone - thats your right. You have worked hard to get your independence and live how you choose.
I do agree he sounds like an overgrown manchild on some levels - the whole living with his mum, not driving etc. and if he can afford fags he can afford driving lessons too. That is his choice to remain dependent in taxis.
But he is also kind and you enjoy his company, but no need to make major changes.
There is a concept called Apartners. - living apart- but partners - it works well for many - esp someone in your shoes.

When you do go out does he ever contribute, or when you cook does he ever buy the food you're cooking?

Even without everything else, the debt, the gambling, the smoking, not driving, indecisive, I'd be throwing this one back.

I live separately from my boyfriend but it has only been six months. He doesn't drive due to a disability but this doesn't stop him getting around independently and I may do all the driving but I don't do all the travelling. His mum lives with him the weeks he has his son. So I don't think not driving or living with parents is automatically a red flag as we have a good and equal relationship.

But I wonder if you are keeping him at arm's length for a reason or alternatively if maybe you deliberately chose something without a future? This doesn't sound like an equal partnership.

Hi Op , hope you feel better soon.

Like some PP , my boyfriend of a few months still lives at home and we see each every weekend. He comes to mine , I do all the cooking because I enjoy it so I don't mind . He will however get us a takeout sometimes to give me a break. When he told me he still lived at home , I was a bit put off but I am glad I didn't let it because he's a great guy. He helps out with chores when he's here and washes up after we eat . I also used to be the one to plan dates and like you , I got fed up and spoke to him about it and now he plans, we discuss and book etc. He did say he always let me plan things because he wanted to be happy. It may be the case for yours.

I think you should have a chat with him , tell him how you feel and go from there.

Thankyou all.
Backontgedatingtrain22 thankyou, hopefully on the mend now.
If we go out he might buy then I do, we take it in turns. If we have a takeaway, we go halves. Haven't had many. At Christmas, we went out for the day, he paid for travel, food etc but I ended up paying a few times after as it took most of his money. I was taking him home at the beginning but it was far too much. I have taken him home on occasions as he has said he would walk (its 2 hours by foot), I'm not going to allow him to do that.
I cook for me and my dcs so he has what I'm cooking anyway. He doesn't offer to cook or buy anything to cook.
I have said he could cook if he wants to. I have a dishwasher so it's all done for us.
He took his mum out on mother's day for food, then met his brother with their dcs for food, and I ended up paying for the cinema.
I have said to him about the money spent out on football, drinks could be cut down if he wants to save. He says other people buy him drinks. If this is true, then that annoys me as he can't expect others to keep buying him drinks.
We then went for a walk the last time I saw him, with my dcs. Stopped at starbucks and I just got my dcs a drink as I knew it would be me again. It's all making me feel a bit mean as I'm feeling annoyed at him. We were stuck in traffic and I was annoyed. That's not anyone's fault. I just think, me driving again.
I'm just ranting on now, sorry.
I do need to speak to him.

God it all sounds a bit dreary and a bit of a slog from where I'm standing. Clearly he is, at best, short of money (at worst a cheapskate and potential cocklodger). The not being flush with cash wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker if the person had a bit of get up and go and imagination as to how they spent their time or the activities they suggested. Like I would love a picnic in the woods or a kitchen disco or going for a dip in the lake or sea or any one of a hundred other things which can be done cheaply or free. Where's the fun, the romance? Do you really fancy him? Sex is free and wonderful!