I have lost myself in relationship, worried that changing will make him hate me

[Paulakas]

Hello! Sorry for the long post, I really needd to get it all out.

I've been with my partner for 5 years. Overall I like the relationship, we have great times together and he ticks a lot of the boxes. However, we have some unresolved differences that make it a bit hard.
I believe that relationships need effort and to accommodate the other needs (at least to try to, to an extent). At the same time, I recognise that I’m a people pleaser. I have tried my best to accommodate his needs and with that have let him cross my boundaries. I tried to break up with him when we had dated 1.5 years, because I felt I couldn’t hold up to his demands (low level of mental abuse from him towards me was involved at the time). He convinced me he would back off with his demands and thus respect my boundaries. He improved indeed and respected my boundaries better. However, by then I was in the full “people pleasing mode” and thus I still took his demands into account, tried to understand his needs and still accommodate these, although a bit less than previously.
I also figured it is a two-way street, that if I do this, then he will also try to put in effort meeting my specific needs that require some effort from his side.

Now I’m a mess. Two years of covid and university studies while working have probably made it all worse (I have basically sat in the house for 1,5 years working from here, studying from here, not attending my hobby due to lack of time and due to the feeling that I have to spend all the little time I have with him because spending time is important to him). And I have accused him of not attending to my needs when I have attending to his. Neither of us are happy.

We have had discussions and I have recognised that I have not stayed true to my needs. I’m trying to understand that he has healthy boundaries and thus I cannot expect him to do or be capable of doing things that he does not want or cannot do. Though I’m not completely convinced that with little effort he couldn't be able to do something. I do not know. I have a hard time judging whether my wants are unreasonable. Some probably are. All I know is I do not know anymore what I want from myself and what I want from him and whether I am unreasonable or not. But I recognise that I always put him first in my head and thus I have lost myself and this is not healthy.

So my plan, which I have also told him, is that I try to be more “selfish”. Figure out what my boundaries are and stand firm. He agreed. So in my mind, instead of trying to accommodate all of each others needs, we would accept the limitations. However, I’m now worried that it is something I should have done several years ago – when he convinced me he did not want to break up and can respect my boundaries. I should have stayed true to myself, but somehow I managed to make a mess of it all. And when I “change back” to who I really am – he might not be happy. And then we are back there in the beginning. And I’m afraid he will then blame me for wasting all this time and lying to him about who I am. And it fills me with incredible guilt and makes me want to just carry on as things are and just accept that I have chosen to change myself for him and I still do not meet all his needs all the time (so being even more selfish would be unfair) and he has done what he is capable of and I cannot ask more.

It’s a mess and I do not even know what I’m asking to be honest.

Can you give us any detail OP about what the needs and boundaries you're worried might be unreasonable are so we can help you work out whether they are actually unfair? Would that help?

What is it you can't do that you want to do in this relationship?

Yes what exactly do you mean by him not meeting your needs, you meeting too many of his? Can you give some examples?

Generally though it sounds like maybe you need to speak to someone about how you can build your confidence and assertiveness

You sound very confused about who you are and what you want which is consistent with people pleasing. Trying to accommodate the other person by twisting yourself to meet their needs. You are also overthinking this, that if you are your true authentic self he may reject you or abandon you, which is basically the core belief that leads to people pleasing.

As a former people pleaser, due to my dysfunctional childhood, the way forward for me was therapy. Is that a possibility for you? It takes time but you can untangle this stuff, find out who you are, create healthy boundaries and deal with any conflict that may arise from not always accommodating someone else. You could also try meditation to get used to feeling your feelings without judgement. Phone apps are very good. Also do loads of reading around the subject.

Perhaps covid has isolated you and made the feelings/anxieties worse than they need to be. Get outdoors, go for a walk, breathe and distract yourself from the rumination. It sounds simplistic but believe me it works. You are good enough as you are. If your partner rejects you for being your authentic self, which is not a given, then he isn't good enough for you.

It's hard to work out exactly what is going on here that is a problem.

But I do think that whatever the underlying facts are, you have overthought the situation so much that even you can't see clearly any more.

I think you need some space. Talking to someone in real life is probably going to be the answer.

I have a hard time judging whether my wants are unreasonable

It doesn't matter. You can't change how you feel. If something you want in a relationship is absolutely barmy, like requiring your partner to be able to eat yoghurt whilst standing on their head, then it's your responsibility to find someone who can do that or show willing, to a level that'll stop you feeling your needs aren't being met.

The salient point here is that you are in charge. You have the responsibility to choose to spend your time with people who meet your needs.

So, all you have to do is to say what you want. Say it clearly and kindly. Say 'The relationship I'm looking for looks like this:' and then detail what you want. After that, it's up to him. He will demonstrate to you whether he's right for you. You don't have to ask him to do anything, you don't need to try to get him to change. Let him choose if it's worth it to him to amend his ways, so that he can have a relationship with you.

That's all you need to know about boundaries: be clear about what you want, express it respectfully, and leave anyone who doesn't give it to you. There's no judgment at all about whether you're being reasonable; there are no external rules. There is no external person in charge. You're the boss. Take responsibility.

Could you describe what is happening in real terms rather than abstract (e.g. respect my boundaries).

Could you describe what behaviour you see when a boundary is disrespected vs when it is respected. Best way to think of it is if someone was videoing it, what would they see and hear on screen? They would have to describe the actions and words, not a concept.
When you talk in abstract terms it can confuse the meaning. Everyone could agree that “respecting boundaries” is good, but have widely different interpretations of what is a reasonable boundaries and what respect means.

So what does attending to your needs look like?

What does spending time look like (for some couples that could be one very enjoyable hour a week, for others practically glued together while one plays video games and ignored the other).

My other thought is that you are twisting yourself in knots trying to anticipate someone else’s needs. I think you soplido find it much easier to get clarity on your own needs if you were a) single and b) receiving therapeutic support.

This quote pops to mind about language around respect. And given you’ve been dealing with “low level abuse” (spoiler it still counts as abuse) I think it is appropriate.

Sometimes people use "respect" to mean "treating someone like a person" and sometimes to mean "treating someone like an authority"

For some, "if you don't respect me, I won't respect you" means "if you don't treat me like an authority, I won't treat you like a person"

@Shortpoet

This quote pops to mind about language around respect. And given you’ve been dealing with “low level abuse” (spoiler it still counts as abuse) I think it is appropriate.

Sometimes people use "respect" to mean "treating someone like a person" and sometimes to mean "treating someone like an authority"

For some, "if you don't respect me, I won't respect you" means "if you don't treat me like an authority, I won't treat you like a person"

That's a great quote

You have a limited time remaining, don't waste it being unhappy, make yourself happy.
If he doesn't like you being happy, hes not the man for you, bin him.

It just sounds like you’re incompatible OP, relationships shouldn’t be this hard and require this much thinking. Find someone with ‘boundaries’ that line up with yours, who wants the same things. Your ‘wants’ snd ‘needs’ may be judged ‘unreasonable’ by some, but they are yours so they’re not unreasonable to the only person that matters: you.

We need more detail about the things you want to do and the things you want him to do that he isn't doing. It's impossible to judge whether he is the one with healthy boundaries while yours are not, or if he is actually coercive/abusive and taking advantage of your difficulties with enforcing boundaries.

That said, no relationship should make you feel like this. You should be able to be yourself and feel loved and supported for it. It seems that your people-pleasing tendencies pre-date this relationship, so personally I would advise therapy for yourself, and to be single for a while until you're at a point that you feel you could confidently enter a relationship without neglecting your own needs.

What happens before and whether you modify your behaviour doesn’t matter. It’s in the past. Gone

What matters is now.
What matters is you feeling your needs are met. If this means you need to be more selfish, then so be it.
If it means that you discover that you can’t meet each other’s needs. Then so be it.
You will be better separated than together if being together means you either have change who you are or struggle because you needs are t met and you are getting hurt. Don’t underestimate the impact of resentment from your needs being ignored.

Thank you for being so kind. Some general advice given sounds so reasonable.

I tried to keep it short, but I couldn't, so here are the details:

He is very extrovert at home and wants to talk to me constantly and rarely leaves the house without me. I am rather introvert at home, need some quiet time and to be alone and at the same time I also do a bit of hobbies and sometimes hang out with friends and family. So he has accused me of spending too little time with him. After the break-up-thing it got better, but I still feel like I have to accommodate his need to spend time with me all the time. Now when I have basically no social life due to work/study, I would at least like to go for a walk sometimes alone or go shopping alone. But I can’t, because he would then be home alone and I would feel guilty. So this is something I want to be more "selfish" about.

I also enjoyed being home during weekends previously. He wants to go outside every Saturday and Sunday and now I always go with him. Although I would sometimes like to just stay home alone or go shopping by myself. But as he makes no effort in keeping contact with his friends, finding a hobby or spending time with his family, it is me who provides him company outside. We have a lot of fun outside and I have really learned to like going out and about, but sometimes I would like to not go and perhaps stay home alone. But he does not want to go alone.

I have asked him to give me some space at home sometimes. We have an open flat and I rarely get some quiet time at home because he is very talkative. He now says that fine, I can ask him when I need it, but I must take into account that I have to warn him with enough time in advance so he can figure out what to do outside alone. But it is really hard to always plan something like that in advance. I have suggested he could find some permanent, regular activity outside home, but this does not suit him. We plan to buy bigger place with several separate rooms. When I said that it could solve our problem, because then I could spend some totally private time in one of the rooms, he turned the whole thing so weird by finding all kinds of excuses why such arrangement would not suit him (e.g. what if I need something from the room when you are there”).

And I would like him to make more effort with some chores around the house (not many, in the grand scheme all is fine, but there are a couple of specific things) that he tends to “not notice” (like cleaning his long beard hairs from the shower tray). He says that he just cannot notice these things. Saying that I also have some things that I am incapable of doing (like I get lost in foreign place easily, while he is like a living map). But at the same time, he notices every where absolutely everything and remembers knew knowledge with seconds.

And I'd like more spontaneity. Like when somethings needs to be bought or some DIY or just deciding that we go shopping previous evening but then I decide the next morning that I would like to stay in and he could go alone. But he wants to discuss everything in advance and think it through and so I always wait for his approval before doing anything and he then starts to teach and he is not good at chaning plans suddenly etc.

So I want to get all this back who I previously was - going out, having some alone time, buying or doing something on a whim. This does not mean I don't want to spend time with him (which he somehow has made me believe what it means)- we have wonderful conversations and have a lot of fun outside and we watch movies and cook together and discuss children and future plans etc.

OP, it seems like instead of trying to work all of this out within the confines of this relationship, that you might benefit hugely from some time on your own to work out who you are, what your boundaries are and to learn how to establish them in a fresh and new relationship in the future.

Your post is a bit word soupy, and if that’s indicative of what’s going off in your head too I can see why you’re troubled. Are there good things that make you think this particular relationship is worth saving? Or are you trying to make it into something it never had the capacity to be?

It sounds to me like you maybe you shouldn't be living together, if you want to stay together maybe that could be a solution for you?

Definitely live apart. That sounds suffocating.

Just read your update, it sounds like you know very well what your boundaries are and what you need from the relationship, you’re just not being given any space at all to enforce them. He is exploiting your timidity to get his neediness attended to.

You are absolutely not unreasonable for wanting/needing time to yourself, or to be able to change a plan to go to a diy shop at the last minute if you don’t feel up to it.

His fucking comparison of leaving his hairs everywhere being like you having a poor sense of direction is absolutely laughable.

He isn’t unreasonable to want a very close Co-dependant relationship, but he is harming you (and possibly abusing you) in trying force you to provide it for him, the effect is that you are feeling like you do now, lost and depersonalised, not able to tell black from white, and floundering on how to fix it all and make yourself feel better.

It seems like you’re two fundamentally incompatible people who have run their course together, to your detriment.

oh christ no he sounds absolutely suffocating. Dump him.

It's still quite confusing, but it appears that basically, you want different things from a relationship and it isn't working. He isn't happy having time alone/without you but you need your own space sometimes.
Disregarding chores etc, respecting what each other wants or needs is a big part of a good relationship and neither of you are getting this because you want such different things.

Also, he doesn't sound like an extrovert, he sounds needy and clingy

Thank you for explaining, OP .

It is my opinion that you are incompatible at a basic level.

You are introvert and he is extrovert.

You need time alone and he wants to be with you all the time .

You want some spontaneity and he wants rules and everything planned in advance.

You are willing to compromise and he is not.

Neither of you can and should change how you are. You will never be happy living together , you are too different. I agree with the PP who says you take a break from the relationship for at Least 6 months and then reevaluate things.

Relationships shouldn’t be this difficult. Surely he can do some things on his own? Christ what did he do before he met you?

You don’t have to be joined at the hip - that’s not healthy for relationships. You both need activities separate to each other as well as together ie a blend.

Maybe you’re just not compatible?

I agree with pp's that this sounds suffocating and knackering. You are probably questioning yourself because you've got no space for yourself. I think this is quite a fundamental incompatibility actually. You'd like more space to be you. That will probably make him 'sad'. He'll cling on more. You'll probably then blame yourself and avoid having your own space again so you don't upset him. I think you should seriously consider your future here. Can you imagine being in the same situation 5 years down the line? If you want to work on it then I think you'll need to get some hobbies out of the house without him. I know you'd rather be at home to chill on your own, but I think you going out is a more realistic first step to making the clingy person more self sufficient. And tell him to clean his frickin beard hairs!!!

I suspect if OP gets six whole months to herself to sort her head out, there will be no reevaluation necessary, she will be out of that place and into the big wide world of pleasing herself and enjoying her life. And I truly hope that’s how it works out for her