I have lost myself in relationship, worried that changing will make him hate me

[Paulakas]

Hello! Sorry for the long post, I really needd to get it all out.

I've been with my partner for 5 years. Overall I like the relationship, we have great times together and he ticks a lot of the boxes. However, we have some unresolved differences that make it a bit hard.
I believe that relationships need effort and to accommodate the other needs (at least to try to, to an extent). At the same time, I recognise that I’m a people pleaser. I have tried my best to accommodate his needs and with that have let him cross my boundaries. I tried to break up with him when we had dated 1.5 years, because I felt I couldn’t hold up to his demands (low level of mental abuse from him towards me was involved at the time). He convinced me he would back off with his demands and thus respect my boundaries. He improved indeed and respected my boundaries better. However, by then I was in the full “people pleasing mode” and thus I still took his demands into account, tried to understand his needs and still accommodate these, although a bit less than previously.
I also figured it is a two-way street, that if I do this, then he will also try to put in effort meeting my specific needs that require some effort from his side.

Now I’m a mess. Two years of covid and university studies while working have probably made it all worse (I have basically sat in the house for 1,5 years working from here, studying from here, not attending my hobby due to lack of time and due to the feeling that I have to spend all the little time I have with him because spending time is important to him). And I have accused him of not attending to my needs when I have attending to his. Neither of us are happy.

We have had discussions and I have recognised that I have not stayed true to my needs. I’m trying to understand that he has healthy boundaries and thus I cannot expect him to do or be capable of doing things that he does not want or cannot do. Though I’m not completely convinced that with little effort he couldn't be able to do something. I do not know. I have a hard time judging whether my wants are unreasonable. Some probably are. All I know is I do not know anymore what I want from myself and what I want from him and whether I am unreasonable or not. But I recognise that I always put him first in my head and thus I have lost myself and this is not healthy.

So my plan, which I have also told him, is that I try to be more “selfish”. Figure out what my boundaries are and stand firm. He agreed. So in my mind, instead of trying to accommodate all of each others needs, we would accept the limitations. However, I’m now worried that it is something I should have done several years ago – when he convinced me he did not want to break up and can respect my boundaries. I should have stayed true to myself, but somehow I managed to make a mess of it all. And when I “change back” to who I really am – he might not be happy. And then we are back there in the beginning. And I’m afraid he will then blame me for wasting all this time and lying to him about who I am. And it fills me with incredible guilt and makes me want to just carry on as things are and just accept that I have chosen to change myself for him and I still do not meet all his needs all the time (so being even more selfish would be unfair) and he has done what he is capable of and I cannot ask more.

It’s a mess and I do not even know what I’m asking to be honest.

Honestly a relationship is not supposed to be this difficult. I’ve been married 34 years and we’ve had problems like everyone does but never this angst.
Just dump him and find someone more compatible who you can have an easy relationship with.

You’re not compatible. A relationship is about finding that out. Then ending it if you’re not aligned. It’s just painful otherwise!

So you're in a relationship with a needy man child who 'doesn't notice' house work. Leave and find a fab therapist to talk through why your boundaries are so off. You're wasting your valuable time and energy trying to fix the unfixable.

@ZealAndArdour

Just read your update, it sounds like you know very well what your boundaries are and what you need from the relationship, you’re just not being given any space at all to enforce them. He is exploiting your timidity to get his neediness attended to.

You are absolutely not unreasonable for wanting/needing time to yourself, or to be able to change a plan to go to a diy shop at the last minute if you don’t feel up to it.

His fucking comparison of leaving his hairs everywhere being like you having a poor sense of direction is absolutely laughable.

He isn’t unreasonable to want a very close Co-dependant relationship, but he is harming you (and possibly abusing you) in trying force you to provide it for him, the effect is that you are feeling like you do now, lost and depersonalised, not able to tell black from white, and floundering on how to fix it all and make yourself feel better.

It seems like you’re two fundamentally incompatible people who have run their course together, to your detriment.

Great post, that's how it looks to me too OP.

Oh OP, wouldn't you love a little place of your own? You can do that, you know. You don't have to live with someone who suffocates you like this.

You are completely incompatible and he is very selfish.

This is not a relationship worth saving.

You are wasting your time with him.

Move away from him.

Do the Freedomprogramme.co.uk to help strengthen your boundaries, and work on yourself.

Having such poor boundaries you are at huge risk of an abusive relationship.

Just to be clear OP, your needs/wants are entirely reasonable, it's his expectations of you which are not. I don't think it's even about compatibility, I'm not sure anyone would be comfortable with his level of dependence and demands on their time and space. He sounds very emotionally unhealthy and you sound like someone with normal, healthy boundaries, as ZealAndArdour said, you're just not being given any space to enforce them.

Thank you all for untangling my problem! Yeah, i ramble because my head is all over the place and English is not my first language, so it is difficult to say things shortly.

You make good points and I really appreciate it all and it helps me put things into perspective. Trying to put all “on the paper” also helps tremendously.

I guess what makes me worry is that we kind of sorted the things out previously. He was less pushy with the time spent together and so is rather reasonable. And the spending time together issue has been nearly non-existent as I have had little time to do hobby or go out due to work and study and of course covid. But as I finish university in a month, I will have a lot of time again and I feel I want to do all the things I listed above (hobby, DIY and so on), but this made me afraid whether he will be OK with it. And as said, there are also many great things about our relationship, we have fun, he is there for me when I really need and takes care of me, which is nice and I do not want to lose this part from my life.
When I read what you all say that I just have to be who I am and he can then choose wheter he likes it or not sounds so reasonable and good. But I’m scared that perhaps I am too selfish and perhaps I cannot judge correctly what is acceptable and what is not. You have now told me that my wishes are not outrageous, so I am now more confident that I can purse what I want.

I guess I’m scared to lose the relationship because I really want children. I’m 33 already. And this is my first proper relationship. I had a few very short-time partners during my twenties but they were either weirdos or did not fancy me in the end. So I am convinced it would not be easy to find a new partner. I was actually perfectly fine alone – I loved my life mostly, though also sometimes longed for a relationship. And I guess I could be alone again, but now that I am in a relationship being alone scares me and yeah, I want children.
But you are so right – being happy the way I am is also so important. I already decided that I will “start living” again after finishing university. I guess I really needed some outside view whether I am doing the right thing. You are all saying I am.

Therapy sound like a good idea.

@Watchkeys You have made the boundary thing so clear. I have to print it out and carry it with me. It makes so much sense when you say it like that. Thank you!

And of course, all others too!

He sounds so clingy and needy - or possibly even controlling (even if he doesn't know it himself). Your description of him makes me quite itchy. If it doesn't come naturally to you to be joined at the hip - good! If he isn't comfortable with that - his hard luck I'd say. Please stop bending yourself out of shape for him

But as he makes no effort in keeping contact with his friends, finding a hobby or spending time with his family, it is me who provides him company outside.

OP he doesn't sound like an extrovert who is always around friends, family, living it up etc. It sounds like he gets bored at home, wants to go out and do something, and wants you to be his company since you're the closest person to him, so he doesn't get further bored outside. I'd encourage him to go out with friends, make new friends, etc.

Also you're not responsible for his happiness. And you're not responsible for his boredom or entertainment.

But still. Have I been a bad person and deceived him by not being true to myself? I have always considered my self as good and caring person, but I already imagine in my head that if we were to ever break up, he would blame me for lying to him and not being true and not telling him my thoughts and constantly changing my views and so on. I guess I have been doing it, because I have tried so hard to please him and alsoy myself and it has created a mess. I understand though it is not only my fault, we have both made mistakes. And I am really hoping that if I sort myself and there could be a way of us both accepting each other and concentrate on the good in the relationship we could have a great life. Or is it stringing him along? Knowing that it might end in break up? But my ultimate aim is not to break free, my aim is to improve.

@mamabeeboo

But as he makes no effort in keeping contact with his friends, finding a hobby or spending time with his family, it is me who provides him company outside.

OP he doesn't sound like an extrovert who is always around friends, family, living it up etc. It sounds like he gets bored at home, wants to go out and do something, and wants you to be his company since you're the closest person to him, so he doesn't get further bored outside. I'd encourage him to go out with friends, make new friends, etc.

Also you're not responsible for his happiness. And you're not responsible for his boredom or entertainment.

Yes, that is very correct. I have encouraged him, but to no avail. I have kind of accepted it that he is who he is, but I have to now work on myself understading that I'm not responsible.

OP, if you’re certain that you want to stay in this relationship and try to fix it then you need to be very clear with him that when you finish your course, all the free time you’ll have available IS NOT his to use, it is your time to do your hobbies and interests and enjoy your life. He should consider it already booked out in your calendar, so he’ll need to occupy himself at those times. Maybe you won’t be able to phrase it as brutally as that, but get your plans in place now, hobby on this night, next night is for dinner with friends, Saturday morning is long walk alone, etc. Maintain those boundaries by sticking rigidly to your agreed plans and don’t let him guilt you out of it.

I empathise with the sunk costs fallacy of age, fertility and time already spent in the relationship, but when you have children with him he will have even more tools at his disposal to keep you with him in the house and stop you from doing your own thing. He’ll have access to a whole bucket load of motherly guilt he can heap onto you about family time and your responsibilities and that kind of thing. Is he really the right man to have children with?

People are meant to change; life experiences, ageing, stress, struggles, bereavements, relationships, hard work, study, love and health and illness mean we all constantly change and develop new view points and wants and needs. Growing as a person is not something he can guilt you for. You are allowed to change and want different things, you shouldn’t feel guilty. Nobody can date a static never- changing person, it’s not a reasonable expectation to want to keep you exactly as you were 5 years ago, or whatever. People who never change or move on or progress or grow are usually that way because of significant problems in their emotional development or fear or a total lack of self reflection and self awareness.

Besides that, if you made the decision to end it, and you were concrete and final in your decision, who gives a fuck what he’s got to say about it? He can talk shit to whoever he likes but you’d still be free to live your life however you wanted.

I just think you both sound incompatible. It sounds like there's really good stuff within the relationship but it counts for nothing because it's being trumped by the bad stuff- which is going to take a small miracle to work out, I am sorry to say.
I think you ought to dial back on the 'future with children' talk because I think your relationship wouldn't survive that. Again, I am sorry to say this.
You need him to make some fundamental changes that he won't be able to make.
A home with extra rooms vs. your flat isn't the solution to bigger issues. Believe me, I lived with a very suffocating husband for many years. I was, ironically, happier and more at peace in the flat! The additional rooms and space of our not so 'forever' home presented new issues and didn't give me 'space', believe it or not. It just gave our problems more space.
I think you wanted to break up after 1.5 years for good reason and you need to unapologetically revisit those reasons.

But my ultimate aim is not to break free, my aim is to improve

Yes and he plays a huge role in this. Is he up to the task? What's his aim?

Zeal has written some stellar posts there. Truth!

Regarding the children. I (stupidly?) have figured that as he is bored, he then have children to spend time with... He speaks fondly of children and that he does not understand men who does not want to be involved in parenting. Ok, I need to think about that indeed. I may be hoping too much.

You have reassured me so much, I really need it. I already feel a bit more clearer in my head. I have started writing down on a piece of paper what I want to do after I have finished uni and I'm getting so excited about it all.

I'm starting to figure out that.. I tried to be who he wanted me to be, but I cannot be that person. I really tried. I have every right to be who I am. I will try to find myself again and it is OK. If he then tells me he is not happy - then so be it. He can either accept it or leave. And it is OK.

Now I have to find a way to be firm and stick to this realisation. Someone suggested meditation - this sounds a good idea.

All your posts scream out at me that you have spent a long time trying to turn yourself into the person he wants you to be. You compromise on everything, and he makes no effort to compromise in return. All he does is demand your constant attention, and your constant presence, whether you are at home or out. If he wants to go out, you have to go with him even though you don't want to, but you go anyway. You want to go out, but he wants you to stay at home with him, so you stay at home.

He is controlling your every move. This is not a healthy relationship, and you are going to have to decide whether you want to live the rest of your life doing as you are told or not.

Lots of people have given very good advice on this thread, and I really hope that you find a way through.

^^ I agree with PP. He sounds controlling.

You have done all you can to appease him.

Now you need to do what you want to do. If you aren't compatible, then so be it. I think you'll find he turns nasty though, accusing you of all sorts. I hope I'm wrong.

Op your latest post is very sensible

Sorry to be blunt, but that was a ridiculous amount of blah, blah, blah when it is so clear that he is not the man for you. He doesn't make you happy or feel secure and confident. You should have left him years ago.

He doesn't have healthy boundaries either if he us abusive. The difference us, yours are unhealthy because you give of yourself too much and he is unhealthy because he takes of others too much.

The difference is, you can change. Because your issues come from a place of kindness and lack if self confidence.

But he will always be a taker. Because his issues come from a selfish personality and complete lack if interest in the happiness of others.

Get yourself away from him. Because you'll never find yourself again if you stay with a man whom it benefits for you to stay lost unto yourself.

Leave, but especially so if you want children. You will be in the same situation in 1,2,5 years. Your time is precious and you are wasting it on someone who does not have your best interests at heart. He stifles you and controls you because it suits him - it doesn't suit you.

@Paulakas

But still. Have I been a bad person and deceived him by not being true to myself? I have always considered my self as good and caring person, but I already imagine in my head that if we were to ever break up, he would blame me for lying to him and not being true and not telling him my thoughts and constantly changing my views and so on. I guess I have been doing it, because I have tried so hard to please him and alsoy myself and it has created a mess. I understand though it is not only my fault, we have both made mistakes. And I am really hoping that if I sort myself and there could be a way of us both accepting each other and concentrate on the good in the relationship we could have a great life. Or is it stringing him along? Knowing that it might end in break up? But my ultimate aim is not to break free, my aim is to improve.

These self questioning mindsets don't come about when a relationship is healthy. Everything becomes simple. 'I'm with my partner because I love spending time with them, and I feel safe and loved in their company. They are with me for the same reasons.' That's it. That's what it should look like. If it gets more complicated for any length of time, or to any depth, just leave.

People make realisations all the time about why they've done things they've done. People admit things to themselves all the time that they have previously denied.

Fundamentally, there's nothing wrong with you and you're a nice person. If you start from that perspective, it starts to look different: I'm a nice, reasonable person who has recently recognised that my relationship doesn't meet my needs.

Go from there. Stop going from the 'Perhaps I'm horrid/lying/bad/etc' If you've always considered yourself to be good and caring, don't question that. The only time to question your view of yourself is when someone who you love and trust tells you respectfully that it might be a good idea to. Anything else is just 'This relationship makes me feel so unsafe that I even doubt myself', and that's exactly the situation you need to avoid if you want to have good boundaries.