I have lost myself in relationship, worried that changing will make him hate me

[Paulakas]

Hello! Sorry for the long post, I really needd to get it all out.

I've been with my partner for 5 years. Overall I like the relationship, we have great times together and he ticks a lot of the boxes. However, we have some unresolved differences that make it a bit hard.
I believe that relationships need effort and to accommodate the other needs (at least to try to, to an extent). At the same time, I recognise that I’m a people pleaser. I have tried my best to accommodate his needs and with that have let him cross my boundaries. I tried to break up with him when we had dated 1.5 years, because I felt I couldn’t hold up to his demands (low level of mental abuse from him towards me was involved at the time). He convinced me he would back off with his demands and thus respect my boundaries. He improved indeed and respected my boundaries better. However, by then I was in the full “people pleasing mode” and thus I still took his demands into account, tried to understand his needs and still accommodate these, although a bit less than previously.
I also figured it is a two-way street, that if I do this, then he will also try to put in effort meeting my specific needs that require some effort from his side.

Now I’m a mess. Two years of covid and university studies while working have probably made it all worse (I have basically sat in the house for 1,5 years working from here, studying from here, not attending my hobby due to lack of time and due to the feeling that I have to spend all the little time I have with him because spending time is important to him). And I have accused him of not attending to my needs when I have attending to his. Neither of us are happy.

We have had discussions and I have recognised that I have not stayed true to my needs. I’m trying to understand that he has healthy boundaries and thus I cannot expect him to do or be capable of doing things that he does not want or cannot do. Though I’m not completely convinced that with little effort he couldn't be able to do something. I do not know. I have a hard time judging whether my wants are unreasonable. Some probably are. All I know is I do not know anymore what I want from myself and what I want from him and whether I am unreasonable or not. But I recognise that I always put him first in my head and thus I have lost myself and this is not healthy.

So my plan, which I have also told him, is that I try to be more “selfish”. Figure out what my boundaries are and stand firm. He agreed. So in my mind, instead of trying to accommodate all of each others needs, we would accept the limitations. However, I’m now worried that it is something I should have done several years ago – when he convinced me he did not want to break up and can respect my boundaries. I should have stayed true to myself, but somehow I managed to make a mess of it all. And when I “change back” to who I really am – he might not be happy. And then we are back there in the beginning. And I’m afraid he will then blame me for wasting all this time and lying to him about who I am. And it fills me with incredible guilt and makes me want to just carry on as things are and just accept that I have chosen to change myself for him and I still do not meet all his needs all the time (so being even more selfish would be unfair) and he has done what he is capable of and I cannot ask more.

It’s a mess and I do not even know what I’m asking to be honest.

And I think you might need to do the freedom programme. Many people pleasers do. We get lost in the dream of a relationship where each of you sacrifices for the benefit of the other, and find ourselves tying ourselves in knots for someone who is happy to let us.

@Paulakas

Thank you for being so kind. Some general advice given sounds so reasonable.

I tried to keep it short, but I couldn't, so here are the details:

He is very extrovert at home and wants to talk to me constantly and rarely leaves the house without me. I am rather introvert at home, need some quiet time and to be alone and at the same time I also do a bit of hobbies and sometimes hang out with friends and family. So he has accused me of spending too little time with him. After the break-up-thing it got better, but I still feel like I have to accommodate his need to spend time with me all the time. Now when I have basically no social life due to work/study, I would at least like to go for a walk sometimes alone or go shopping alone. But I can’t, because he would then be home alone and I would feel guilty. So this is something I want to be more "selfish" about.

I also enjoyed being home during weekends previously. He wants to go outside every Saturday and Sunday and now I always go with him. Although I would sometimes like to just stay home alone or go shopping by myself. But as he makes no effort in keeping contact with his friends, finding a hobby or spending time with his family, it is me who provides him company outside. We have a lot of fun outside and I have really learned to like going out and about, but sometimes I would like to not go and perhaps stay home alone. But he does not want to go alone.

I have asked him to give me some space at home sometimes. We have an open flat and I rarely get some quiet time at home because he is very talkative. He now says that fine, I can ask him when I need it, but I must take into account that I have to warn him with enough time in advance so he can figure out what to do outside alone. But it is really hard to always plan something like that in advance. I have suggested he could find some permanent, regular activity outside home, but this does not suit him. We plan to buy bigger place with several separate rooms. When I said that it could solve our problem, because then I could spend some totally private time in one of the rooms, he turned the whole thing so weird by finding all kinds of excuses why such arrangement would not suit him (e.g. what if I need something from the room when you are there”).

And I would like him to make more effort with some chores around the house (not many, in the grand scheme all is fine, but there are a couple of specific things) that he tends to “not notice” (like cleaning his long beard hairs from the shower tray). He says that he just cannot notice these things. Saying that I also have some things that I am incapable of doing (like I get lost in foreign place easily, while he is like a living map). But at the same time, he notices every where absolutely everything and remembers knew knowledge with seconds.

And I'd like more spontaneity. Like when somethings needs to be bought or some DIY or just deciding that we go shopping previous evening but then I decide the next morning that I would like to stay in and he could go alone. But he wants to discuss everything in advance and think it through and so I always wait for his approval before doing anything and he then starts to teach and he is not good at chaning plans suddenly etc.

So I want to get all this back who I previously was - going out, having some alone time, buying or doing something on a whim. This does not mean I don't want to spend time with him (which he somehow has made me believe what it means)- we have wonderful conversations and have a lot of fun outside and we watch movies and cook together and discuss children and future plans etc.

Oh this is a classic case of personality incompatibility between an introvert and extrovert. And honestly, it's really hard to change unless you have an extrovert partner who understands you and can operate as in introvert.

He doesn't seem like he can. And I'm not sure you should waste more time trying to change him. You would be much happier with someone who's like me - an extroverted introvert. So I can be social and love going out but am equally happy to be alone and have downtime. Some people like your bf just cannot cope with being alone - always need friends or family around them but it's not your job to babysit him.

If he cannot comprehend that you don't exist to just be company for all his plans, and actually he's going to need to either give you the alone time you want, or get dumped - then....leave him. Some incompatibilities cannot be resolved.

And as for the people pleasing, you can look up techniques to help you be more assertive or talk to someone if you have the time/can afford it. But relationships should add to your life and bring out your best self - not stress you out, suffocate you and make you feel unheard.

You may have to consider leaving him, if you can't work out a compromise where you get to be who you are - and he doesn't guilt trip you into being someone else.

@Paulakas this man is not good father material. Really he’s not.

You talk as if children are a hobby that will keep him occupied and off your back. However it will be the opposite - he will be jealous of the time that you spend with your child . He will be demanding your attention all the time and make you feel guilty for “neglecting “ him.

You will have zero I repeat ZERO energy for pandering to him when you have a new baby. He won’t “ notice the housework and he won’t “understand “ how to feed or change the baby.

Small babies are not fun or interesting or amusing for men like him for more than a few minutes. When baby cries it will be back to you. Then he will blame you for making him feel bad about it.

Then you will go back to work full time and have to spend every evening and weekend caring for your child and doing the housework while he whines that you are not paying attention to him.

It’s a recipe for disaster.

@Paulakas

But still. Have I been a bad person and deceived him by not being true to myself? I have always considered my self as good and caring person, but I already imagine in my head that if we were to ever break up, he would blame me for lying to him and not being true and not telling him my thoughts and constantly changing my views and so on. I guess I have been doing it, because I have tried so hard to please him and alsoy myself and it has created a mess. I understand though it is not only my fault, we have both made mistakes. And I am really hoping that if I sort myself and there could be a way of us both accepting each other and concentrate on the good in the relationship we could have a great life. Or is it stringing him along? Knowing that it might end in break up? But my ultimate aim is not to break free, my aim is to improve.

Nope nope nope

You didn’t deceived it because you didn’t change ‘who you were’ to manipulate him but because you thought that was the way to care for him and keep the relationship on an even keel.

There is no deception, no major mistakes. Just you being a bit lost and him not knowing how to take responsibility for himself either.

Seeing your newfound insight, what I would do is write that down.
Write down the fact he is responsible for his own happiness. That’s it’s ok if things don’t work out and the ‘real’ you doesn’t work for him (or he doesn’t work for the real you!!)
Write down why too. The reasons and the examples of what it means to be YOU and what it means to pander to his needs only.

And then read it back regularly.

Because it’s very easy to get that clarity and then be suck back down in automatic behaviours (like not being you, not being selfish enough to put yourself first etc….)

Btw @Paulakas, your description is not the one of an extrovert that wants to talk to someone all the time.
Extroverts would jump at the chance of going out and meeting people.

What it sounds like is someone who isn’t ready to respect your boundaries (the whole ‘you need to tell me ahead of time’ and ‘ I might need to come in the room’ etc… basically sabotaging any of your attempt at meeting YOUR needs)

I’d keep a very close eye on it and see how he behave when you try and reclaim some of those boundaries.
Because from your description, he isn’t going to take that well.

Hello OP. Some people here say that you and your spouse are not compatible and that may be true, but it is not the problem here. The problem is that you are willing to change to accommodate your partners needs and he is not. And so for years now you have been bending backwards to make him happy and even then he never seems to be satisfied. But every time you ask something for yourself he does not want to compromise, he is not willing to change to accommodate your needs. Dear OP, I spent 26 years with a man like that, where I kept changing and adopting to the point where I could not recognize myself. Eventually I just could not take it anymore and I called it quits.

If you ask my opinion, I would tell you... leave. Weather or not you will live alone or find another partner who will be more "compatible" is up to you, but this one... is not worth it.

This thread makes me really uneasy.

This relationship is not healthy, OP. He’s controlling you, he’s isolating you, he’s making you entirely responsible for his feelings. That’s bullshit. He’s broken you down and made you unsure of yourself and entirely coiled around his needs and wants.

You shouldn’t be feeling afraid or guilty, or doing things you don’t want to do every weekend simply because he has decided that he wants you there. He’s also no pulling his weight at home.

Please leave. You’re young. There’s plenty of time to find a good man. This one is not a good man.