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Original poster

How do I communicate this authentically and respectfully?

55 replies

Waterfordaston · 05/04/2022 21:34

My lovely man of 6 months - I would like him to tell me he loves me more often and give me more reassurance. I’m quite an anxious over thinker in my attachment style and I’ve said to him I need him to say it to me a lot. He isn’t doing that, mainly I think because he’s a bit “well I’ve already said it so why do I need to keep saying it?” He is very loving and kind and does so much for me but for me the words are important and I’ve rather unhelpfully got it into my head that if he isn’t saying it then he isn’t thinking it. And then I think I might be wasting my time and he’s not that into me etc etc.

I’m hopeless at this and more than old enough to know better!

OP posts:
totallyoutnumbered · 05/04/2022 22:34

Love language sorry

Chelsea26 · 05/04/2022 22:34

Google ‘love languages’ OP

You’re not wrong necessarily, you’re just different. I’m not woo at all but love languages make sense to me. You are clearly ‘words of affirmation’, he may be ‘acts of service’ or ‘quality time’.

Either way the point is, without proper conversation, you ‘show’ love in your love language (the way you ‘feel’ love) so you may be telling him you love him 10 times a day but he’s not feeling that love because you’re not speaking his language

Meanwhile he’s making you a cup of tea in bed, de-icing your car, cooking you dinner and wondering why you’re banging on about him saying he loves you

You’re speaking different languages - it can be resolved but it takes work and understanding in both sides. To show the love in a way your partner appreciates, AND to appreciate them showing you love their way.

Beachsidesunset · 05/04/2022 22:37

'Well done is better than well said.'

  • Benjamin Franklin
saraclara · 05/04/2022 22:43

I hardly ever said I love you. It's just not something that came easily to me. If my late DH had guilted me into saying it more often, I'd have felt even more awkward about it, it would have become meaningless and I fear I would have resented it. Pushing someone to say it seems a pretty good way to make love die, frankly.

I adored him, by the way. And he knew it.

Sonaftersonafterson · 05/04/2022 23:43

I feel for you OP. I'm very similar and need words of reassurance, a lot.

I would say this. You may well be 'needy'. We all are. We're human and we have needs! All of us different. In time, in the right relationship, your partner will pick up on this and WANT to reassure you because he loves you.

At 6 months in, it's too soon. You'll possibly scare him off. If he actions are loving, take from that and try and self soothe rather than trying to get him to soothe you. X

Original poster
Waterfordaston · 05/04/2022 23:52

We did love languages and I’m all about the words! He’s all about spending time together. He likes to do things along side me, which frankly I can take or leave! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Waterfordaston · 05/04/2022 23:57

@saraclara that’s very moving. Thankyou for sharing that, I am so sorry for your loss x

OP posts:
Original poster
Waterfordaston · 05/04/2022 23:57

Thankyou @Sonaftersonafterson x

OP posts:
Hausa · 06/04/2022 02:00

I always find ‘words of affirmation’ people fascinating. It’s obviously a perfectly valid thing to want, but the need for constant verbal reassurance is not something I will ever understand.

Words mean NOTHING. I could tell you I loved you. Each and every poster here could tell you they loved you. Liars, cheats and abusers regularly tell the women they are ill treating that they love them - the words have no magical powers.

What actually matters, the meat of your relationship and the true test of a relationship, is how he treats you. That’s real and meaningful.

Suprima · 06/04/2022 02:32

I think you would benefit from some solo therapy with a professional rather than self diagnosing your attachment styles and doing love language quizzes.

Your posts make you seem very insecure and self critical. It should be easy breezy now and you should feel ‘loved’ enough without having to have this conversation.

Also the concept of the 5 love languages were literally invented by an American pastor to encourage women would submit to their husbands because their love language was ‘physical touch’. Blush

starrynight21 · 06/04/2022 03:02

My ex told me he loved me every day. He didn't .

My DH hardly ever says he loves me - but I know he does, because his actions show it.

Settle your nerves down and try to accept his love as he expresses it - in deeds not words.

Weatherwax13 · 06/04/2022 03:24

Old cliché but talk is cheap. You sound like you're having a tough time. And I don't think your bloke getting into a habit of mouthing platitudes is going to fix that.
I think see your GP, ask about your medication and get a referral for therapy so you can work out why you're feeling so insecure and in need of constant reassurance.
This issue hasn't cropped up by magic, something has caused it and it would be really good to figure that out so you can be confident and content in yourself.

AntarcticTern · 06/04/2022 07:39

DH and I did the love languages thing and I'm all about the words too OP! DH is acts of service and quality time together. He rarely says he loves me spontaneously (as opposed to in response to me saying it).

Luckily I have healthy self esteem so it's not a problem for us. I would LOVE it if he said it more often, but I do believe he loves me which is the important thing. Working on your self esteem is the way forward here OP.

Dacquoise · 06/04/2022 08:21

You need to be tackling the anxiety if it's a problem for you. Either through therapy or meditation so that you become more comfortable with the feelings of discomfort and don't attach fear of abandonment every time your partner does something that triggers you. It is possible to become more securely attached so that you don't need so much assurance from your romantic relationships. This is a change you issue, not change your partner issue.

Watchkeys · 06/04/2022 08:29

The way to stop feeling needy and anxious is to find someone who demonstrates their love in a way that makes you feel secure, and reject all others, however lovely they may be.

I've been where you are, and done this, and am now in a relationship where I don't feel I have to worry and wonder. It's perfectly do-able. A secure attachment style is basically the confidence to walk away when you're not happy, without feeling you're broken or faulty. 'It's me not him' etc is basically looking for someone to blame, but there is nobody to blame because nobody's doing anything wrong. You're just being yourselves, and it's making you feel bad, so it's not the relationship for you.

WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky · 06/04/2022 08:47

@Dacquoise

You need to be tackling the anxiety if it's a problem for you. Either through therapy or meditation so that you become more comfortable with the feelings of discomfort and don't attach fear of abandonment every time your partner does something that triggers you. It is possible to become more securely attached so that you don't need so much assurance from your romantic relationships. This is a change you issue, not change your partner issue.
I completely sympathise with the OP and can see she is beating herself up. I too am guilty of similar feelings of anxiety which I have to battle so i don't behave in a needy way in my relationship. However, what it means is I'm constantly battling myself, which is exhausting a pretty crappy place to be.

Those of you that recommend therapy, help, dealing with your own issues etc. ..... it might seem a silly question but what does that actually involve in reality? Because I, like the OP, recognise my own issues but I don't know what to do about it.

AntarcticTern · 06/04/2022 08:52

That's a really good question @WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky and I don't think there's a simple answer to it.

However, what I do know is that the answer is not for the OP to try and find a way to make her partner say I love you more often (which is what she is asking in her OP). She needs to either leave this relationship and find someone who says it readily, or accept the situation as it is if she thinks she can be happy and learn to not mind about it so much.

SteakExpectations · 06/04/2022 08:57

I had this conversation with my BF around the same time into our relationship. He asked me whether other boyfriends have behaved like that and I told him yes, other boyfriends have been more affectionate and verbally reassuring. He then reminded me that these relationships have all failed and that the majority of them were not good relationships. He told me rather than concentrate on what he’s saying concentrate on what he’s doing - look at his actions - I should know how he feels about me because he’s told me and that’s reflected in how he treats me.

It was hard at first to adjust to, but now I’m so happy that we had that conversation, even though it wasn’t the response I wanted, it was the response I needed.

Watchkeys · 06/04/2022 08:57

@WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky

For me it was to recognise that there's nothing wrong with feeling insecure, even when you're with a really good, lovely person, and that we can't change how we feel. Much as we might want that person to make us happy, if they don't, they don't, and we can't make ourselves feel something we don't feel.

Then it's just a case of applying the boundaries 101 method: Don't keep putting yourself in situations that make you unhappy.

WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky · 06/04/2022 08:58

[quote Watchkeys]@WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky

For me it was to recognise that there's nothing wrong with feeling insecure, even when you're with a really good, lovely person, and that we can't change how we feel. Much as we might want that person to make us happy, if they don't, they don't, and we can't make ourselves feel something we don't feel.

Then it's just a case of applying the boundaries 101 method: Don't keep putting yourself in situations that make you unhappy.[/quote]
That's very useful advice thank you

Watchkeys · 06/04/2022 09:04

It changed my life, @WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky, and not just relationship wise. I altered my contact patterns with my family, changed my job, left my partner, as a result. I'm in a new relationship and job now, and didn't know I could be happy like this.

Another thing my counsellor told me was 'The only thing wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you.' It was massively useful for me, because I stopped looking for how to fix myself, and started looking for how to fix the situations I was in.

I hope that's useful for you too. It's hard to apply at first, because you have to say goodbye to people and things, but I started to view those as 'bad habits', and to see the process as giving up things that were ultimately not good for me.

Good luck, and to @Waterfordaston, too Flowers

SpringIntoChaos · 06/04/2022 09:20

OP...in the gentlest of ways...you are going to send him running for the hills if you keep this up. Honestly, if I was with someone like you, who was this needy and pushing me to constantly say 'I love you' I would freak so fast. This is because I'm the opposite of you...I don't need or want to say/hear this all the time! It stifles me, makes me panic and ultimately sends me running.

The only people I tell that I love, are my children and grandchildren. It's not that I don't love others, I do, very much, but due to past relationship trauma, I just can't say it or hear it overmuch without that panic rising.

Don't ruin what might be a great relationship by pushing for something that your partner might not be able/ready to give.

LizzieSiddal · 06/04/2022 09:22

Those of you that recommend therapy, help, dealing with your own issues etc. ..... it might seem a silly question but what does that actually involve in reality? Because I, like the OP, recognise my own issues but I don't know what to do about it

The most useful thing my therapist told me was that when I’m feeling unloved and insecure to recognise where it’s coming from. So are these feeling due to something my dh has done or are they coming from deeply entrenched feelings from childhood, in my case my mother left me when I was 4, no explanation was ever given, so I’ve had attachment issues and anxiety all my life. My therapist taught me to soothe myself in these situations, so I wasn’t looking for anyone else to do it for me.

MangshorJhol · 06/04/2022 09:57

Lots of helpful advice here. DH and I don’t say it much (I say it even less) but I adore him and I have adored him for nearly two decades since we met at 21.

Closetbeanmuncher · 06/04/2022 10:13

Nooo OP you're looking at this all wrong...

Anyone can trot out words what counts is his actions. You say he's loving and kind - how does he demonstrate this to you?

Start taking those actions as the declarations of love they are.