How do I communicate this authentically and respectfully?

[Waterfordaston]

My lovely man of 6 months - I would like him to tell me he loves me more often and give me more reassurance. I’m quite an anxious over thinker in my attachment style and I’ve said to him I need him to say it to me a lot. He isn’t doing that, mainly I think because he’s a bit “well I’ve already said it so why do I need to keep saying it?” He is very loving and kind and does so much for me but for me the words are important and I’ve rather unhelpfully got it into my head that if he isn’t saying it then he isn’t thinking it. And then I think I might be wasting my time and he’s not that into me etc etc.

I’m hopeless at this and more than old enough to know better!

Actually I realise im asking “how do I make my boyfriend do what I want?”

Im not being fair, am I?

Somebody telling you they love you more often doesn’t mean they love you more.

Are you sure you’re ready to be in a relationship? It really sounds like you have issues still to work through. As you say, you can’t expect a partner to live their life according to your need for reassurance, that’s stifling.

You do sound a little nerdy. DH is a deeds not words kind of bloke, and tbh I'd rather have it that way. If he 'shows' you he loves you, I'd not be spoiling it for a few words. Generally, I find effusive guys are generally crap at long term relationships.

Sorry, needy, not nerdy ffs.

Well, maybe. Are you seeking reassurance? You describe him as loving and kind, so it doesn't sound like you need reassurance in that way. It's your rule, that saying it is a necessity, that's causing you grief. Also, 6 months in? This feels like a lot of tension for 6 months. Could you try letting the rule go and just seeing if the relationship is a good one for you?

This is who he is, OP. I'd be fine with it, but if it's a problem for you, better to end it now before you get any deeper.

Yes the problem is not with him, its with you!!

Let's start by rephrasing the question....how would you actually put it?

How do I settle down and feel safe?
How can I calm my anxiety and overthinking patterns?

X a question properly framed is already partly solved x

Why do you need reassurance? What of? At the risk of sounding a bit unsympathetic I’m not sure why your attachment style is his problem. As you say, you’re trying to change him and how he communicates and seem to think that’s justified and you’ve only been dating 6 months. I’d move on, that would be better for both of you.

Actually I realise im asking “how do I make my boyfriend do what I want?”

Im not being fair, am I?

Yes you’ve answered your own question. You are being unfair.
You’ve only been going out with him for 6 months, you say he’s very kind and very loving, actions are much more important than words. Take a deep breath and try to enjoy this new relationship for a while.

It’s not him, it’s me, on this.

I thought I was ready. I’ve just started HRT and a low dose AD so I’ve got a bit of that going on. Ugh. I sound needy and co dependent and honest im not usually like that. I feel about 14 and wobbly.

@something2say “ How do I settle down and feel safe?
How can I calm my anxiety and overthinking patterns?”

Yes! This! That’s what I need to answer! Thankyou.

I think you're being unfair. You can't try to make people say things for your own benefit. I'd find that level of neediness very off putting to be honest

@AnneLovesGilbert no I know it ISNT justified. Ugh I’m just feeling a bit vulnerable.

If he started doing what you want do you think you’d believe him? I wonder if you’d secretly suspect of him just pandering and it might not help.

Hmm that’s a good point.

I have been with DH for 23 years, he shows me that he loves me every single day. He has said it unprompted, precisely twice!

Really? Do you know why though?

Observe his actions/behaviour over words.

Words are cheap and easy!!

Blimey you sound Needy. The quickest way to frighten off a partner is to keep telling them you need "I love you" reassurances.

Take a deep breath. Go see your GP and explain your anxieties and ask them to adjust your HRT.

Good luck!

Thankyou. I know.

How many times a day, week or month would you like him to say it?

I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with you OP. You might just enjoy hearing and saying loving words. That might not be who he is or what he's used to or comfortable with though. That's ok, but you are allowed to have your own needs in a relationship.

That’s a good question. Don’t know. Enough to stop me feeling wobbly.

I am fully aware im being loopy.

Not ok, its manipulative, you want him to enable your disfunction, so that you feel better temporarily each time, making him responsible for your difficulties instead of tackling them yourself. That's unhealthy and not loving. You are making it his fault that you aren't happy, already.

Yep. I have work to do, clearly.

Do a live language quiz together. Me and my DP found them to be so accurate. Our live languages are similar but they don't have to be. We are both equally split between physical, positive words of affirmation and acts of service. He gives the best, tightest shrugs and makes me a cup of tea the minute I walk through the door. His "I love yous" are frequent enough now I understand how he shows live and wants to be shown love