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Original poster

Is ghosting ever ok?

73 replies

mariecat · 05/04/2022 16:21

So I'm at a point now where I just don't know what to do anymore. I have been seeing someone for about 3 months and it just isn't going anywhere. It's now started to get to the point where we just spend evenings at each other's houses (but usually always last minute plans) and we text regularly. He has never taken me out on a date. I haven't asked, but he hasn't tried.

Over the weekend he's made his feelings towards me very clear. We were on the phone Thursday night and he made plans with me for the next day and made out he really wanted to see me. Then the next morning text saying he had a really bad hangover and could barely remember our phone call. When I asked if he remembered our plans he said no and then was very flippant 'will see later on/might be going to the pub/will let you know'. He didn't let me know til 8. I went but made it clear it was rude and he said it was just a joke and he had always wanted to see me. We then saw each other again the next night. I hadn't planned on it but had been out drinking so when he invited me on my way home to stay at his instead I (stupidly) went. He lives locally so me going round isn't a huge effort on my part, if that makes any difference. The next morning he was being very short. Then asked to see me later that evening... but he'd 'let me know' again. He didn't let me know. Now not spoken to him since I left on Sunday morning. It's so up and down and is messing with my head.

Is it acceptable to just block him with no explanation? I feel like a sitting duck, waiting for him to either pop up and suddenly want to see me, or to dump me and make me feel worse, or to just never speak to me again but stay on social media. I really like him and would've liked it to go somewhere but this weekend has been very clear that's not what's going to happen. And I honestly just can't cope with the constant stress anxiety and disappointment. It feels like mental torture.

But I don't like to talk about how I'm feeling etc. I do tell him when I'm not happy with something, and he usually just talks me round and apologises. But I don't talk deeply about feelings etc so perhaps that's the issue. But I don't think not having discussed feelings means it's ok to treat me like some sort of back up plan when he's got nothing better to do?

And anyway, I don't want to be talked round after this weekend.I don't want to discuss my feelings with someone who clearly doesn't have any respect for me.

So... should I just block? Or will that make me feel worse. Also considering he is local and I will more than likely have to cross paths.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 05/04/2022 16:40

Who do you think makes the rules about whether it's ok for you to block/ghost someone?

Original poster

mariecat · 05/04/2022 16:53

I don't know really. Just often hear a lot that there's no excuse for not having a conversation beforehand. So I guess I just wanted to see if my reasons were excuse enough for not having that conversation.

OP posts:

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 05/04/2022 16:56

Honestly, just block him. It's absolutely fine in these circumstances, you've not known him for long and he's treating you appallingly, get him gone.

BornIn78 · 05/04/2022 16:57

So you basically make no plans yourself and you sit around at home on the off chance he might want to see you, and when he does you go scurrying along?

He treats you like a back up plan because you allow him to.

So yeah, just ghost him and take a break from dating to work on your self esteem.

Lily2075 · 05/04/2022 16:59

No, not okay to ghost at all. I ventured into the dating world last year after 2 years only to be ghosted by a guy and it really wrecked my confidence and made me feel so bad about myself.

KatherineJaneway · 05/04/2022 17:01

Just say 'Sorry this isn't working for me, good luck in the future' and end it.

TheSnootiestFox · 05/04/2022 17:02

The way to do it is to just be very matter of fact and send a message saying something along the lines of 'I think you're fab, but this lack of respect isn't for me, see you around x' and the block him.

I have done exactly this this after having your exact weekend in reverse, so if his name begins with A and he's into tractors, the drop me a message and I can probably shed some light lol!!

Sunnytwobridges · 05/04/2022 17:04

I think it depends. In this case, I would just send him a text to let him know that your feelings have changed(or whatever) and then let that be the end of it.

whoturnedthesunoff · 05/04/2022 17:05

I'd not ghost him . I'd just send something like this

" Hi , this is not what I'm looking for in a relationship so just going to call it a day now
We both know where we stand and I wish you all the best . "

bathsh3ba · 05/04/2022 17:11

Personally I think there are very few situations in which it's okay to ghost and this isn't one of them. You're perfectly entitled to end it of course but at least do it by text. Three months is long enough that you should show him the courtesy of a text or call. Just because he has no manners doesn't mean you should lose yours.

More generally though, many relationships will stagnate at this point if you can't communicate about feelings.

altmember · 05/04/2022 17:11

Ghosting someone is just rude and immature. At least have the basic courtesy to send a simple message saying it's over before blocking him.

Original poster

mariecat · 05/04/2022 17:17

I don't @BornIn78 . As it so happens I wasn't doing anything on Friday. I am usually out all weekend, which I was Saturday and stayed over there when I'd got home from my night out. I have quite an active social life so that's definitely not what I'm doing.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate what you're saying. I just know he will want to talk about it and I'm not good at talking about feelings, particularly with someone who hasn't shown much regard for mine.

OP posts:

Original poster

mariecat · 05/04/2022 17:18

As a side note though, he hasn't bothered to message since I left Sunday morning after saying he'd 'let me know' so I might not even have a choice in the matter. That's why I was tempted to just block so I don't ever have to find out as I know I don't want to talk about it.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 05/04/2022 17:22

@mariecat

But you're the one who gets to decide if your reasons are enough. It's not up to anyone else, that's what makes us individuals. If you don't feel you can confidently justify to yourself something you want to do, don't do it. That's an expression of your personality, your boundaries, your take on reality.

If someone asked you if you thought it was ever ok to judge someone, what would you say?

LadyMacduff · 05/04/2022 17:25

I think @KatherineJaneway 's text was good.

Honestly, in your situation, I probably would have just ghosted too, but I take the point that it's not usually the best way to handle things. Definitely learn from it though; it does sound like you've put up with it for too long.

Cannedlaughter · 05/04/2022 17:40

If you think talking to him will end up in him changing your mind then yes just block him.
He seems to be using you for sex. He doesn't want to spend quality time with you. He is using you so doesn't really deserve an explanation.
Why be polite to someone who is so rude in their attitude to you?

greasyshoes · 05/04/2022 18:06

When talking to women online, ghosting is by far the most bizarre behaviour I have ever encountered and I don't agree with it.

Original poster

mariecat · 05/04/2022 19:47

@Cannedlaughter that's exactly what I think will happen and why I want to ghost.

I know I sound a bit cold on this, but have actually been really upset by the way he's treated me. And have been here before, I tell him, he talks me round and to be fair doesn't repeat whatever it was that upset me. But then something comes up and I end up upset again. I just don't want to be talked round again and have my mind changed. I think the only way of saving it is to have a 'make or break' discussion, and I don't feel there would be anything to gain from that, his actions have been very clear.

OP posts:

Peachtoiletpaper · 05/04/2022 19:58

I wouldn't ghost, or see it as opening a conversation where he can talk you round. I would reframe it as sending a polite but final message so that you've taken control and drawn a line under this so you can move on knowing you've been decisive and courteous but left no room for ambiguity. Block, if you like, but either way you don't need to be concerned about seeing him around or this dragging on in any way.

You're right, his behaviour sounds totally uninvested and rude. You deserve much better and ending this formally is the first step towards finding it.

It could just be something like 'it's been nice getting to know you these last 3 months but I am going to leave things here as we don't want the same things. All the best'.

I think if someone is behaving badly then ghosting isn't a hanging offence, it's more that it doesn't give you closure.

Knutface · 05/04/2022 20:08

Don’t contact him, if he gets in contact (which he probably will when he wants to get laid) send one of the messages above and then block. Sounds like he adds nothing to your life anyway:)

Cannedlaughter · 05/04/2022 21:05

I really think ghosting and moving on is most definitely the best option.
Be strong, do it and move forward for better.

NovemberRain89 · 06/04/2022 01:03

I have recently went through something similar with a man who was constantly messing around and giving very mixed signals etc I'd advise you send a text to end things and then block him immediately after (this is what I did). I'd sent something along the lines of;

"(Name) i feel that we are both very clearly wanting different things out of whatever this is and I have been very open and honest about what I want. I won't be messaging you again."
I then blocked him on everything. We haven't spoke for 3 weeks now.

If you send him a message and wait for a reply you will either hear what you want at the time and then the inconsistent behaviour will arise again or you will receive a message that could be very blunt and will make you feel worse.

Suprima · 06/04/2022 01:17

[quote mariecat]@Cannedlaughter that's exactly what I think will happen and why I want to ghost.

Block the fucker and move on. Or send a ‘this isn’t working for me” and immediately block.

Women don’t need to be kind. Women don’t need to be nice. You do not need to show that you have ‘manners’ as a pp poster says up thread.

You need to toughen up a bit and learn to centre yourself before you start dating again, if you are doubting yourself in this situation.

AHungryCaterpillar · 06/04/2022 01:21

It’s funny people say ghosting is never acceptable but when it’s a woman ghosting a man it’s fine 🤷‍♀️

Suprima · 06/04/2022 02:14

@AHungryCaterpillar

It’s funny people say ghosting is never acceptable but when it’s a woman ghosting a man it’s fine 🤷‍♀️

Pickmes fighting mens fights on the internet is also quite funny as well.

Ghosting after future faking is never ok- make or female
Ghosting after appalling treatment and rudeness is always ok- male or female

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