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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is ghosting ever ok?

73 replies

mariecat · 05/04/2022 16:21

So I'm at a point now where I just don't know what to do anymore. I have been seeing someone for about 3 months and it just isn't going anywhere. It's now started to get to the point where we just spend evenings at each other's houses (but usually always last minute plans) and we text regularly. He has never taken me out on a date. I haven't asked, but he hasn't tried.

Over the weekend he's made his feelings towards me very clear. We were on the phone Thursday night and he made plans with me for the next day and made out he really wanted to see me. Then the next morning text saying he had a really bad hangover and could barely remember our phone call. When I asked if he remembered our plans he said no and then was very flippant 'will see later on/might be going to the pub/will let you know'. He didn't let me know til 8. I went but made it clear it was rude and he said it was just a joke and he had always wanted to see me. We then saw each other again the next night. I hadn't planned on it but had been out drinking so when he invited me on my way home to stay at his instead I (stupidly) went. He lives locally so me going round isn't a huge effort on my part, if that makes any difference. The next morning he was being very short. Then asked to see me later that evening... but he'd 'let me know' again. He didn't let me know. Now not spoken to him since I left on Sunday morning. It's so up and down and is messing with my head.

Is it acceptable to just block him with no explanation? I feel like a sitting duck, waiting for him to either pop up and suddenly want to see me, or to dump me and make me feel worse, or to just never speak to me again but stay on social media. I really like him and would've liked it to go somewhere but this weekend has been very clear that's not what's going to happen. And I honestly just can't cope with the constant stress anxiety and disappointment. It feels like mental torture.

But I don't like to talk about how I'm feeling etc. I do tell him when I'm not happy with something, and he usually just talks me round and apologises. But I don't talk deeply about feelings etc so perhaps that's the issue. But I don't think not having discussed feelings means it's ok to treat me like some sort of back up plan when he's got nothing better to do?

And anyway, I don't want to be talked round after this weekend.I don't want to discuss my feelings with someone who clearly doesn't have any respect for me.

So... should I just block? Or will that make me feel worse. Also considering he is local and I will more than likely have to cross paths.

OP posts:

contrelamontre · 06/04/2022 13:37

Ghosting is bizarre. This is not ghosting. They have never been on a date. They are not in a relationship. They are not dating. He hasn't bothered to get in contact for days and the OP wants to block and delete (so she doesn't get sucked back in to his game) but isn't sure if she should send a message first. Why bother? Just block and delete so you know 100% for sure you're not going to get a booty call text and move on.

TheSnootiestFox · 06/04/2022 14:40

@BlueSlate - because the OP said she liked him........plus I was almost quoting my own similar text where my manners wouldn't let me use the words fuckwit and tosser.

altmember · 06/04/2022 15:06

Women don’t need to be kind. Women don’t need to be nice. You do not need to show that you have ‘manners’ as a pp poster says up thread.

Neither do men. But presumably you'd like them to be? It's basic common courtesy for people to be polite and civil with each other regardless of gender.

EBearhug · 06/04/2022 15:17

Just say 'Sorry this isn't working for me, good luck in the future' and end it.

This.

I haven't responded to a couple of guys, but I've not actually blocked them, and they've nor been in touch to say, "how are you?" so it's mutual, though I feel I owe them some sort of explanation. The ones I've blocked I've sent a short message first. I realise it probably wouldn't happen the other way round, but I'm going with "do as you would be done by."

Original poster

mariecat · 06/04/2022 16:21

Thanks everyone. Given me lots of food for thought here!

I understand peoples views on ghosting. But at the same time, I think a lot of people are speaking from personal experience. I know it happens a lot in the dating world and I would completely agree that if the reason you're doing it is that somethings changed for you, and you can't be bothered or don't want to have a conversation about it, then that's very wrong and hurtful. But this is different. I haven't changed, he is the one who has been treating me poorly.

Ideally, I had planned to try and stay strong and do what others have said, await a message and then say no thanks. But the longer it gets, the more upset I am feeling and I just don't know how long this stress can go on for. I have no idea if I will ever hear again, as he has done this before and while he will often chat to me all day if a conversation is going, he wouldn't usually just message to 'check in' or start one. So it could be at any point. Or it could be not at all this time. Not knowing is driving me mad, and I do feel I need to take back control.

There is the option of sending a message and blocking before he can reply, but without him messaging it almost seems a bit pointless, as he hasn't actually tried to see me.

Like I've said I'm feeling very hurt and upset about it all so maybe I am being irrational but I am just so sick of waiting around. But also know going full ghost and blocking is a big commitment and don't know if I can bring myself to do it! Nlergh.

OP posts:

EBearhug · 06/04/2022 16:41

You've always got the option of ignoring him,not blocking, and just getting on with matching others in the mean time. I speak as someone who's currently got about 7 on the go, which might be too far the other way...

Watchkeys · 06/04/2022 17:19

But the longer it gets, the more upset I am feeling and I just don't know how long this stress can go on for

Why are you so emotionally invested that someone you've only known a few months and who has treated you poorly has such a grip on your wellbeing? What else do you do in your life to fill your time, other than thinking about dates/dating/relationships?

This might be a good kick up the bum to make you realise that, in the nicest possible way, you need to get a life. Have tons of other stuff that makes you happy and satisfied and proud, so that if some inconsiderate plonker like this turns up, you haven't got time to worry yourself, and if he's interested, he's going to have to ask and ask and ask for you to give him some time.

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/04/2022 17:26

I think you need to end it properly otherwise you will be wondering “Did me blocking him have an affect on him? Did it make hm realise he should have treated me better?” Etc. I almost think you’d be blocking him as a communication, rather than an end to it.

A text saying this isn’t working, good luck in the future is a clearer message to him but more importantly to yourself OP.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 06/04/2022 18:24

But you don't have to discuss itif you don't want to Just a I've had fun but recently I've realised this isn't going to work for me. Take care and good luck for the future. Then that's it. If he messages to discuss you just advise it's not a big deal, there's nothing to discuss it's just not something you want to continue. Then you ignore. And future messages he may send.You've kept it pleasant so if you should run into each other in the future it doesn't have to be awkward. You can just end things without a lengthy explanation. It just not being what you want is enough.

contrelamontre · 06/04/2022 18:30

@mariecat I am speaking from experience. Delete your means of contacting him and block. There is no way this is going to work out well for you. Remove all anxiety by blocking and deleting NOW. Whether he’d get round to messaging you again any time soon or not is completely irrelevant. You don’t know each other. You don’t actually really like him - you don’t know him yet and what you do know is that he’s treating you badly and something in you is making you want to get him to stop doing that, to show you you’re good enough. You’re by no means the first nor the last to find yourself in this position. Just cut it off NOW. Take a break from dating for a few months and spend time with your friends, doing things that make you happy, exercising and learning a new skill. And treat these past three months as a learning experience about how you are never going to allow anyone to treat you ever again because you are worth so much more than that. Treat yourself well. You deserve it.

Original poster

mariecat · 06/04/2022 18:34

Thank you @contrelamontre

Your post, and a few similar words from my friend who I have just text about it has spurred me on. He's blocked.

Need to go on a dog walk and clear my head for fear of hitting the roof with anxiety!!!

OP posts:

liveforsummer · 06/04/2022 18:34

If you don't he will - at some point, just. Matter of time I'd guess from what you r said of him. I'd get in there first if I was you.

contrelamontre · 06/04/2022 18:35

When you meet the right person you will have none of this anxiety. You will go out on dates. You won’t play games. He will make it clear how much he values your company and your happiness. When YOU are in the right place emotionally you will be in a position to meet some Mr. Rights. Just cut off this toxic waste of time, thoughts and energy immediately.

Honeyroar · 06/04/2022 18:38

Why ghost? Just text that you’ve had enough, it’s not good enough for you so you’re calling it a day. Then block if you feel like it.

contrelamontre · 06/04/2022 18:50

@mariecat Well done. I get it. I get why you needed to do it this way and not send this person a message first or wait for this person to message you. You have 100% done the right thing. Don't be surprised or worried if it takes a couple of months for the anxiety and thoughts about shoulda, coulda, woulda, what if, maybe if.. etc. etc. to die down. It will. And you will emerge from this 3 month learning experience stronger and wiser and realising no one who plays games is worth a second look from you. Focus on you and finding self-fulfilment and fun times with friends who love you. There's no hurry.

sweetbellyhigh · 06/04/2022 20:40

@altmember

Women don’t need to be kind. Women don’t need to be nice. You do not need to show that you have ‘manners’ as a pp poster says up thread.

Neither do men. But presumably you'd like them to be? It's basic common courtesy for people to be polite and civil with each other regardless of gender.

Men are brought up knowing they don't need to be nice or kind.

AvoidTheDanger · 06/04/2022 21:24

I spent weeks trying to, very clearly and succinctly, trying to tell someone I was not interested in pursuing anything with him. He chose to ignore my words and kept messaging me. I tried to be kind and respectful, and consider his feelings until I decided to stop buying into his nonsense, and just ghosted him. I didn’t block him (we work for the same organisation and both senior management so needed to see if there was any backlash) but aside from the odd chance message, it seemed to have worked.
I have been ghosted before and know it doesn’t feel nice, but in some cases I think it’s appropriate.

Watchkeys · 06/04/2022 21:30

@AvoidTheDanger

I spent weeks trying to, very clearly and succinctly, trying to tell someone I was not interested in pursuing anything with him. He chose to ignore my words and kept messaging me. I tried to be kind and respectful, and consider his feelings until I decided to stop buying into his nonsense, and just ghosted him. I didn’t block him (we work for the same organisation and both senior management so needed to see if there was any backlash) but aside from the odd chance message, it seemed to have worked. I have been ghosted before and know it doesn’t feel nice, but in some cases I think it’s appropriate.

It's not ghosting if you've told the person you're not interested.

AvoidTheDanger · 06/04/2022 22:46

@Watchkeys Yes, true!

Original poster

mariecat · 06/04/2022 22:54

Thanks so much everyone.

I'll be honest I do feel miles better for it. I felt a bit like I was waiting to be sucked back in inevitably. Didn't like looking at my phone etc, had a horrible gut feeling. Now just feeling a little bit sad tonight and overthinking how it got to this point when he seemed like such a decent guy at the start, which is probably why I have him the benefit of the doubt for so long. But we can't change the past, can only stop it from repeating itself. I'll be ok

OP posts:

SarahDippity · 06/04/2022 23:01

You’ll be grand! And you’ve freed up the space in your head that was occupied by not knowing. Now fill that gap - make a plan for Friday night, even if it’s just a box of chocolates and Graham Norton. Isn’t that a better way to spend your time?

Watchkeys · 06/04/2022 23:09

I felt a bit like I was waiting to be sucked back in inevitably

Never forget that you're in charge. You're not in charge of anybody else, but you are always in charge of you. This is a good example of how being in charge of your own actions can stop someone controlling you, without you controlling them.

Cannedlaughter · 08/04/2022 06:48

So pleased you've done it. Take that great advice and do things for you.

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