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Original poster

Is ghosting ever ok?

73 replies

mariecat · 05/04/2022 16:21

So I'm at a point now where I just don't know what to do anymore. I have been seeing someone for about 3 months and it just isn't going anywhere. It's now started to get to the point where we just spend evenings at each other's houses (but usually always last minute plans) and we text regularly. He has never taken me out on a date. I haven't asked, but he hasn't tried.

Over the weekend he's made his feelings towards me very clear. We were on the phone Thursday night and he made plans with me for the next day and made out he really wanted to see me. Then the next morning text saying he had a really bad hangover and could barely remember our phone call. When I asked if he remembered our plans he said no and then was very flippant 'will see later on/might be going to the pub/will let you know'. He didn't let me know til 8. I went but made it clear it was rude and he said it was just a joke and he had always wanted to see me. We then saw each other again the next night. I hadn't planned on it but had been out drinking so when he invited me on my way home to stay at his instead I (stupidly) went. He lives locally so me going round isn't a huge effort on my part, if that makes any difference. The next morning he was being very short. Then asked to see me later that evening... but he'd 'let me know' again. He didn't let me know. Now not spoken to him since I left on Sunday morning. It's so up and down and is messing with my head.

Is it acceptable to just block him with no explanation? I feel like a sitting duck, waiting for him to either pop up and suddenly want to see me, or to dump me and make me feel worse, or to just never speak to me again but stay on social media. I really like him and would've liked it to go somewhere but this weekend has been very clear that's not what's going to happen. And I honestly just can't cope with the constant stress anxiety and disappointment. It feels like mental torture.

But I don't like to talk about how I'm feeling etc. I do tell him when I'm not happy with something, and he usually just talks me round and apologises. But I don't talk deeply about feelings etc so perhaps that's the issue. But I don't think not having discussed feelings means it's ok to treat me like some sort of back up plan when he's got nothing better to do?

And anyway, I don't want to be talked round after this weekend.I don't want to discuss my feelings with someone who clearly doesn't have any respect for me.

So... should I just block? Or will that make me feel worse. Also considering he is local and I will more than likely have to cross paths.

OP posts:
TheBolterdahling · 06/04/2022 02:45

Just send him a one liner f first.
This isn’t working for me, I’m b locking you on everything. Goodbye.

Grimsknee · 06/04/2022 03:01

There is a middle path surely? End it, then block.

I really encourage you to examine why you feel, if you were to say "I'm unhappy with this relationship", that that has to open up a conversation in which you can be talked around.
Why can't you say "This relationship isn't meeting my needs, so I'm ending it. Bye." ?

Rodion · 06/04/2022 03:05

I'd go with the pp who suggested waiting until he messages you and then reply ending it, followed by instantly blocking. You can even have the message written already so you just have to hit send. If he hasn't messaged in the next 2 weeks then just block anyway.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 06/04/2022 03:19

Then the next morning text saying he had a really bad hangover and could barely remember our phone call.

This guy is an idle drunk and a waste of space, OP.

Just block him and move on.

knittingaddict · 06/04/2022 03:39

@TheSnootiestFox

The way to do it is to just be very matter of fact and send a message saying something along the lines of 'I think you're fab, but this lack of respect isn't for me, see you around x' and the block him.

I have done exactly this this after having your exact weekend in reverse, so if his name begins with A and he's into tractors, the drop me a message and I can probably shed some light lol!!

Don't tell him he's fab. He's not.
BlueForgetMeNot · 06/04/2022 03:45

I would do what feels right for you. If that is blocking and deleting him, so be it. You don't owe him anything. P. S. I hope you're okay.

Monty27 · 06/04/2022 03:49

Whatever you do, don't sleep with him again. Don't go back to his place again. Being a booty call does nothing for your self esteem believe me. Speaking from experience.

Katya213 · 06/04/2022 04:09

He has been using you. Ghost him.

contrelamontre · 06/04/2022 04:31

Just block him. You are not in a relationship. The last time you spoke to him he was rude - there’s no need to see this as ´ghosting’. Block and move on and don’t talk about him again. Don’t spend a long time analyzing things he’s said and done - his issues are his business. Your sell-esteem is your business and something that needs nurture.

BlueSlate · 06/04/2022 04:34

Just don't message him first.

If he messages you again, just reply and say it isn't working for you and you won't be seeing him again. If he doesn't, there's nothing to end - its just fizzled out.

If you're someone who needs 'definites', then send him a message saying it isn't working for you and you won't be seeing him again.

I don't understand the suggestion that you tell him he's fab. He's not. If he were, you'd want to continue seeing him!

Peachtoiletpaper · 06/04/2022 05:07

I wouldn't be waiting for him to text then act, for any reason. Far better to close this off of your own accord, whether that's sending a 'goodbye' text or blocking. Otherwise you are hanging on to say your piece. Better not to have this still rumbling on in the background.

sweetbellyhigh · 06/04/2022 05:14

Jeez do whatever you want. Not much to save there, he treats you poorly and you have been allowing it. So stop allowing it and do that any way that works for you. If you want to text him, do it. If you want to block him, do it. Ghost? Your call. But don't let this idiot occupy any more of your head space.

AlternativePerspective · 06/04/2022 05:17

No, ghosting isn’t ok.

As said above just a text to say that this this just isn’t working for you.

And personally I don’t see the need to block, why would you unless he’s harassing you?

Oblomov22 · 06/04/2022 05:19

Just tell him you don't want to see him anymore. And why.

sweetbellyhigh · 06/04/2022 05:22

@AlternativePerspective

No, ghosting isn’t ok.

As said above just a text to say that this this just isn’t working for you.

And personally I don’t see the need to block, why would you unless he’s harassing you?

Because if he gets in touch she won't see the message and be drawn back in
Watchkeys · 06/04/2022 06:41

@AHungryCaterpillar

It’s funny people say ghosting is never acceptable but when it’s a woman ghosting a man it’s fine 🤷‍♀️
There isn't a single person on the thread who has contradicted themselves in this way.
JoyLurking9to5 · 06/04/2022 06:45

Agree, do nothing until the next time he texts you and then respond to say "we are on different pages here, bye mariecat"

JoyLurking9to5 · 06/04/2022 07:02

@greasyshoes

When talking to women online, ghosting is by far the most bizarre behaviour I have ever encountered and I don't agree with it.
So you haven't met them. That's a conversation fizzling out.
JoyLurking9to5 · 06/04/2022 07:10

You say you really like him.

You need to tell yourself "being used is not for me". "Not knowing what the plan for tomorrow is is not for me "
"Always waiting for him to let me know is not for me.

I think when we have a few wounds left unchecked this bullshit hooks us in instead of turning us off. Heathy people are just like "eeoo mixed messages are not for me" and they exit stage left knowing it was "him," not them.

So channel that. If you're not being treated with respect, get turned off.

And if you're not turned off, fake it til you are

Chanel05 · 06/04/2022 07:12

You're making yourself very available and as though you can be dropped at any given moment.

Send a quick text saying that the current set up isn't working for you and have a good life ✌️.

UnsuitableHat · 06/04/2022 07:18

I think you have to look after your emotions here. Your head’s telling you this isn’t right but your heart’s a bit invested. He doesn’t sound worth getting messed up for.
I’m not sure ghosting is the right approach NOW. Maybe wait a short while for him to contact you again then send a factual message ending it. This isn’t working for me, or whatever. Don’t delve into feelings or leave options open.
If he doesn’t contact you for, say, 2 weeks, I think that’s the time to just block.

DrDetriment · 06/04/2022 07:32

Ghosting is horrible and in this situation not the right thing to do. Send a short message saying this is not working for you, then block him so you can't be drawn into a debate.

Loopytiles · 06/04/2022 07:35

Agree with PP: message ending the relationship, then don’t talk or message with him again.

Wouldn’t date again until you’ve addressed the reasons why you continued seeing this man when being treated poorly.

Lampan · 06/04/2022 07:39

@BlueSlate

Just don't message him first.

If he messages you again, just reply and say it isn't working for you and you won't be seeing him again. If he doesn't, there's nothing to end - its just fizzled out.

If you're someone who needs 'definites', then send him a message saying it isn't working for you and you won't be seeing him again.

I don't understand the suggestion that you tell him he's fab. He's not. If he were, you'd want to continue seeing him!

This
SVRT19674 · 06/04/2022 11:17

It´s only fine where there is abuse in the rest of instances a simple This isn´t working for me. I´m calling it a day, goodbye. Block and delete. Not really sure why this is so complicated. It is really simple. Ghosting is bizarre.