To text or not to text?

[StringBeans0002]

Hi everyone,
Long time lurker here…

So I few summers ago (2018) a few of my family members and I were visiting my aunt and uncle in North America. My Aunt arranged for me to go out with her sons friend and his friends for the evening!

She gave me his number and we arranged it and he took me out with a group of his friends.

Really lovely guy, slightly shy and nervous though.

Anyway, I thought we were going home two days later, so when he asked me to do something before I went home I said yes…he was very nervous asking! However, I got flight details mixed up, it was actually the next day I was going home, so couldn’t meet up with him.

He said he had been really looking forward to seeing me again, and we could definitely do something next time I was over there. ( we go over quite a lot and he seemed pleased when I told him this)

The following summer some of my family went, I couldn’t go! However he messaged me asking to take me out and said he thought I was there…I told him no I wasn’t.

For relevance he doesn’t have Instagram, doesn’t use Facebook anymore and I’ve noticed sometimes doesn’t use WhatsApp for days on end…so not much of a social media/phone person….so wasn’t much chat after I went home from my trip in 2018 but he is very chatty in person!

Anyway, he did tell me to let him know when I would be back in his city.

I actually have a visa to go live there, (very common for UK people to go live there on visas’) and I have been contacted by a few employers on LinkedIn about jobs there, so I have been interviewing this week.

I’ll be moving there in a few months! Should I let him know?

He seemed like a real old school gent/really lovely guy! But slightly shy/not that confident…some of his friends were a tad creepy and he wasn’t like that at all!

So do I reach out or not?’ …he did tell me to tell him when I’m back over, so the ball is in my court!

Sorry for the long winded post but I’m useless at things like this!!

Thanks if you have made it this far…

@MissConductUS - I would hope to be over there by summer…in 3 or 4 months time, all being well!

This may sound radical, but would you consider taking this off text and asking him to do a video call with you from time to time to stay in touch? Old fashioned voice calls could be an option too. I think that's the best way to maintain some kind of connection for a few months. Texting is very transactional.

You're at the stage where you need to either let it go fallow until the summer or come up with a way of building on the existing friendship. Hint: Be bold.

I agree with @MissConductUS - a video call sounds good, makes it more personal.

I agree with her advice to re letting it go fallow or come up with way of building on existing relationship. I would definitely keep in touch now as you like him as I’ve made the mistake of letting contact slide with a man and then bam he’s seeing someone else! Can easily happen.

@MissConductUS - for me it does sound quite radical haha…I think I would be too nervous to ask for that…I have only met him one time!

@GonnagetgoingI I’ll probably just have to leave it until summer ….knowing my luck he will have met someone else by then. I do like him but have only met him once.

He probably will meet someone in the meantime….stuff like that always happens with me haha …but I also sort of feel he is the man, it’s his job to stay in touch

…but I also sort of feel he is the man, it’s his job to stay in touch

The problem with the Victorian outdated custom that the woman must be passively pursued by the man is that it is men who bear the risk of rejection and may not do so without some clear signaling that their attention is welcome. I really don't see the harm in taking equal responsibility for staying in touch.

@MissConductUS - that’s true. I know that it is so outdated… but From you and a few others it sounds as though American men are fairly forward…this guy isn’t like that!

So it’s harder to know where I stand…then I fear rejection!

@MrsTerryPratchett

I agree:

"see you in real life soon"
"I'll text when I'm settled"
"I'll get in touch when the jet lag wears off"

Something light and conversation-ending.

Yeah send a response like that. then the ball is in his court and you have no obligations

@UnGoogleable - do you think it’s best for the ball to be in his court because he seems uninterested?

I sort of thought it’s best for me to leave on read as then I can’t overanalyse whereas if I give him a short reply and he doesn’t respond, that will be me thinking ‘arghhh he isn’t interested’

I think that depends on how you coped with it - if you think it would drive you nuts if he didnt respond then maybe don't.

But if you think of it from his point of view - he's responded and you haven't. Which is fine - but it means you've got no chance of striking up a conversation until you reply.

I would send a short open ended response, something like 'it would be great to catch up when I get settled in' and leave it at that

Hi OP, if the last message was from him giving you lots of info about jobs etc I actually think it is just basic manners to say thanks for all the info! I would def do that and say you will be in touch when you get there. Bright and breezy and ends it nicely, for now. Otherwise it just looks rude imo!

@UnGoogleable - Thanks for your message. I will probably just leave it until I get over there.

I am massively overthinking. I know I should take it as a positive sign that he came back almost straight away and said ‘looking foreword to catching up’ , but for some reason I look for negative meaning in it.

He was never exactly mr chatterbox over text message and I knew that, so prob shouldn’t have messaged.

@OnTheSafeSide - yes I know he did give good advice etc which was nice of him. I just don’t want to overthink things!

Why don’t you want to reply? What are you afraid of. He responded to you so what’s the problem? He might wonder why you haven’t replied

You don't really sound healthy enough emotionally to date.

Overanalyzing every single thing he says or does and assuming his intentions and motivations and how he feels or what he wants just isn't fair to him.

@OnTheSafeSide

Hi OP, if the last message was from him giving you lots of info about jobs etc I actually think it is just basic manners to say thanks for all the info! I would def do that and say you will be in touch when you get there. Bright and breezy and ends it nicely, for now. Otherwise it just looks rude imo!

Absolutely.

OP, you really should reply, purely out of good manners, if nothing else.

@Dodie66 - I think I don’t want rejection so I am playing it safe…it means I can contact him again when I arrive without seeming too keen.

@Midlifemusings - yes that’s true. And I do tend to self sabotage. It’s something I am working on and need to continue to work on!

@excelledyourself - yes that’s very true. And I don’t like it when people do that on me, I’m usually pretty well mannered lol

Are you in therapy?

While it isn't fair to put others through it, it is also torturous for your own mind to be continually doing this kind of ruminating and judging and speculating and assuming and worrying and overthinking.

I hope you can get some help to be in a better place psychologically. A move is a fresh start and you don't want to bring unhealthy ahbits with you!

Honestly, I think you have less chance of him replying in 3 months if you have just blanked him after he gave all the info. If you are embarrassed that there has been a gap in time between his msg and your reply, you could just say 'oh sorry, I forgot - meant to say thanks for all your help with the jobs stuff, I'll be in touch once I have more concrete dates.'

I would not feel particularly pre-disposed towards helping someone/getting to know them better if they treated me like that, sorry to be harsh OP. Good luck anyway! Hope your new life goes well.

I agree with the previous poster. He is less liley to reply if you haven’t got back. To him

@Midlifemusings - I am actually looking to begin soon. I know, it’s no fun! I want to go to it to learn how to be more present in the moment. Stop overthinking, being negative and worrying etc. I have always been the worrying type in terms of school work, uni, actual work/jobs etc.

@OnTheSafeSide - that’s very true. Treat others how you would like to be treated etc, I do do that lol, it’s just I’m a bit nervous with this guy. Thanks for the well wishes …

@Dodie66 - yes very true. And now he maybe thinks I was only getting in touch to find out about the job market and salaries over there lol

Gosh you are certainly overthinking this. You are imagining all sorts ot things. Why would he think you were getting in touch about the job market? You seems so anxious and negative. Just keep in touch with him and keep it light

I’m not sure what you want the poor guy to do?? He’s replied with perfectly acceptable texts. At the moment you’d be best thanking him for the useful tips and saying you’ll look forward to seeing him in a few months. That way either of you can text next. No balls, no courts!

To answer your question to me in your reply yes it is a terrible idea to start dating in the first 6 months and any relocation advises the same.

You need to stand on your own two feet, make your own routines, social life and friends and security.

All this time spent obsessing over some random guy would be better put into finding a good relocation agent to help you with apartment hunting, pre and post arrival immigration requirements, opening bank accounts and cultural and emotional adjustment strategies.

I honestly think this is all a massive distraction.

Only an utter creep would pursue a relationship with a highly vulnerable person, which new immigrants are.

You should have text him back and said thanks and I'll text you when I'm settled in? As it stands now you've just Ifnored him. Get over this fear of rejection, you aren't going to dissolve into the ground if he doesn't respond or only wants to be friends . You miss all the shots you don't take

You are moving to a new country so reach out to anyone you know. You're going to need friends. Don't think of it as a romance. Just friendship and take it from there

@Honeyroar - yes that’s very true. Probably the mood I am in no matter what response he gave me it wouldn’t have been acceptable 😂…..and yes that’s a good idea…no balls no courts.

@Bagpusssays - yes It could just be a massive distraction….I know I need to sort all of those things out, but I do have family over there to guide me somewhat on that, which is a little bit of a safety net.

Meeting and making friends is also a top priority, probably before dating. However, I do think it’s natural to hope to meet someone…

@miraveile - yes that’s true. I’ve just ignored which isn’t overly polite and not like me. And totally true you miss shots you don’t take!

@dropoutdoreen - I know! Totally true…I need to be more laid back about it. I have been feeling really lonely lately though and would ideally like to meet someone at some point! Everyone I know is coupled up!!