To text or not to text?

[StringBeans0002]

Hi everyone,
Long time lurker here…

So I few summers ago (2018) a few of my family members and I were visiting my aunt and uncle in North America. My Aunt arranged for me to go out with her sons friend and his friends for the evening!

She gave me his number and we arranged it and he took me out with a group of his friends.

Really lovely guy, slightly shy and nervous though.

Anyway, I thought we were going home two days later, so when he asked me to do something before I went home I said yes…he was very nervous asking! However, I got flight details mixed up, it was actually the next day I was going home, so couldn’t meet up with him.

He said he had been really looking forward to seeing me again, and we could definitely do something next time I was over there. ( we go over quite a lot and he seemed pleased when I told him this)

The following summer some of my family went, I couldn’t go! However he messaged me asking to take me out and said he thought I was there…I told him no I wasn’t.

For relevance he doesn’t have Instagram, doesn’t use Facebook anymore and I’ve noticed sometimes doesn’t use WhatsApp for days on end…so not much of a social media/phone person….so wasn’t much chat after I went home from my trip in 2018 but he is very chatty in person!

Anyway, he did tell me to let him know when I would be back in his city.

I actually have a visa to go live there, (very common for UK people to go live there on visas’) and I have been contacted by a few employers on LinkedIn about jobs there, so I have been interviewing this week.

I’ll be moving there in a few months! Should I let him know?

He seemed like a real old school gent/really lovely guy! But slightly shy/not that confident…some of his friends were a tad creepy and he wasn’t like that at all!

So do I reach out or not?’ …he did tell me to tell him when I’m back over, so the ball is in my court!

Sorry for the long winded post but I’m useless at things like this!!

Thanks if you have made it this far…

@MissConductUS @He is Canadian. They can be quite reserved (some of them!)

Haha I’ll try my best to do it…but I guess I can’t do it tonight as it’s 1am here, so that looks a bit weird texting at that time …

I’ll have to leave it until tomorrow night 😉

Oh, yes, sorry, don't mention the friend!

@HollowTalk - haha no I won’t. But it’s getting too late UK time to text him now. He will think ‘is she thinking about me in bed’ haha…

But I’m not in bed…I currently work US hours even though I’m still in the UK!

Not strange to message someone in America now, its still early there now.

I often talk to my American friends this time, especially when im working late.

I've consulted DH. Men quite like it when a woman they fancy shows a bit of initiative in staying in touch. It lessens their fear of rejection, which was the nervousness you picked up on earlier.

I asked a bloke out in the 1990s. Quite forward of me, right? I even slept with him on our first date, a recipe for disaster certainly. We've been happily married for 24 years and have two great kids in uni. She who dares, wins.

Just text him, you don't need to decide if you are marrying him tomorrow! He is just an old friend at this point, you are just reaching out to someone you met once a few years ago.

@Electriq - that’s true! But I’m getting tired now so I’ll deffo text him tomo.

@MissConductUS - that’s good to know. I have always wondered if guys like it when a woman texts first. So many women are in the ‘no way’ camp….and great that it all worked out for you! I think that’s the way it should be when two people like each other…whereas I’ve always been ditched straight after if I’ve had sex on the first date and it’s made me feel awful!!

@Midlifemusings
yea that’s true. I’ll treat it as two friends catching up! (If he wants to) haha

Don't let us down OP 🤞💕💕

I completely misread your OP and thought he was your aunt’s son and I was wondering why everyone was encouraging you to date your cousin 😂

Yes definitely get in touch! Not teen girl like at all, I think most of the advice is suggesting doing this under the assumption that you have your admin and work plans in order as a grown woman and are hoping to rekindle a nice acquaintance, with a view to maybe more, as you discussed with him, rather than looking for someone to hold your hand through the move, sort out your paperwork, be a supportive figure etc.

He sounds a nice bloke and probably just hasn't been in touch much as tbh, the chances of a transatlantic relationship going anywhere when you've met once are pretty slim. But he did say get in touch if you're local again so that's really encouraging!

If he isn't single then he only has to let you know, no harm done. Good luck with the move!

Like misconductusa I once asked a bloke out on a date, using the university email system, we are pretty happy 28 years later.
You never know until you try.

I did it haha….now I’m wishing I hadn’t! He probably won’t reply…arghh

And hope you are okay @Snoopfroggyfrogg

I have always wondered if guys like it when a woman texts first. So many women are in the ‘no way’ camp….

There are two reasons to text first. One is that you are confident, very sure he must like you too and know what you want. The other is that you're insecure and a bit desperate. The trick is to be in the first camp. I didn't play games with DH, texted first. I often do. Because I'm confident and if they don't text back meh.

Sex on the first date too. I assume if they dump and run, they always would have. No great loss and better to find out fairly quickly. The important thing is did you like the shag? My experience is that women who expect the sex to be good for them too, get away with first date sex more because we're not doing it for the man. We're doing it because we want to.

This bloke you've texted, own the text. Don't regret it. He's a tour guide, a shag or someone you once texted. As long as you shrug and move on, any of those are fine.

So what if he doesn't reply OP?
You are no worse off than you are now.
You haven't lost anything by giving it a whirl.

@MrsTerryPratchett - that’s great advice. I don’t know why it has always gone wrong for me. Anyone I’ve slept with early on has been awful towards me afterwards! But yes I guess you are right, It’s better to find that out early on. I am really not a confident person though…I need to learn not to give a shit.

@backtobusy - I know…I really need to learn not to care as much!!
So shortly after I texted to say I’m moving over would be good to catch up…

He replied and said that’s great, Looking forward to catching up …are you on a work visa ..

So I said yes and had had some interviews etc

He said great and job offers will be flowing in ..

Then I said yea it’s busy in my sector but need to be careful I don’t low ball myself with salary etc !

So need to think carefully and keep options open, but it’s better to be busy than to struggle finding work in a new place!

He has read those last two bits and not replied. FML ….obv not interested!

But he maybe feels there nothing to reply too arghhh

I wish I hadn’t messaged now 🤪

Sort of regretting messaging now haha

He was replying really quickly up until then!!

Maybe he just doesn’t know what to say back to it?!

I need to learn not to give a shit.

You really do. And value yourself. You're great. If they don't want you or you aren't for them, also great. The world is full of people I wouldn't shag. It's no commentary on them.

You had an exchange, it was nice, now leave it. Maybe he texts back, maybe he doesn't.

@MrsTerryPratchett …I know I need to value myself more. I wish I had your confidence, something to work on before I go away I think.

He did text back lol …it’s hard to keep convo going when we are both so far away from each other I guess ….

I probably won’t reply because then it means the ball is in my court to get in touch when I am over there.

I’m glad you messaged him and everything but you’re already being a little obsessive. He’s obviously not interested because he didn’t reply straight away? If you keep up that sort of thinking dating will be painful for you, more painful than it needs to be. Take a breath. He’s probably just doing something else today.

@Didimum - agreed. I’m overthinking too much already …yes I know, I need to avoid thinking like that otherwise dating will be an unpleasant activity for me.

I am just wayyyy out of practice at the moment.

Any other tips on how to be more chilled about it are greatly appreciated!

He did text back lol …it’s hard to keep convo going when we are both so far away from each other I guess ….

I probably won’t reply because then it means the ball is in my court to get in touch when I am over there.

Don't read too much into the timing of replies. Texts, like email, are useful because they allow the receiver to reply when it's convenient. He might have been driving, in a meeting, cooking a meal, etc.

I would reply if I were you, just something like "Great, I will let you know when my travel dates are set and we can plan a meetup". That way he's not left wondering if you've lost interest.

By the way, I agree with MrsTerryPratchett, if you have sex with a guy and he fades he'd be a shit boyfriend and you've lost nothing. Don't think of sex as an investment in a possible relationship. Have it if you want it, as I did. DH wanted to keep dating because we really got on well with each other and we were both ready for a serious relationship.

My advice is to keep busy and focus on yourself. Have your standards and boundaries and cut someone loose when they don’t meet them.

@MissConductUS- that’s very true. I do it myself on people because I’m busy and it’s not even intentional!

Yes that’s true, a simply reply like that should do!

That’s good advice re sex and dating etc. it’s a good way to look at sex, but I am at the stage of looking for a relationship. What I find awful are the guys on OLD ( in my limited OLD experience) who swear blind that they want a relationship, but actually only want sex.

Some of them should actually get an Oscar for their performance and convincing you they want a relationship. That’s the reason I came off OLD.

@Didimum - thanks! I know I should focus on myself. But it does get lonely when all your friends are coupled up!