Have you ever "cut some one out" of your life?

[fangle]

Evening all. Long time poster.... my eldest is 16 so I've been around a lot, penis beaker etc

I have a friend who I've known for 20 years. She's been a staunch supporter of mine in really tough times and has been V good to me over the years BUT there are also some absolutely hideous experiences in her company and I just can't be arsed with her, her beliefs, her family, her drama any more and I don't know how to handle it.

Our children attend the same school & hobbies and I've now come to dread the contact - so much so I've changed my behaviour to avoid her / her husband.

I'm far from perfect but I can't deal with her any more. She's a show off brag about any thing and everything and I find it toe curling. She WFH and clearly doesn't see many people any more as she's so loud and so public about every nuance of her marriage / life I find it nauseating and embarrassing which isn't nice of me. I just want to watch my kids practice their thing and read my book and not hear how amazing and perfect her life is at full volume so every other parent hears... when in reality I know this isn't the case.

But the biggy. She manipulative and calculating and it's got me in trouble at work, she's said some down right shit things about one of my DC's dyslexia diagnosis which at the time took me so back I couldn't answer the phone to her for a good 6 weeks.

She has to know everything first, but she's a gossip and she will flap her gums to the world to be the one "in the know"

like announcing my pregnancy on Facebook 😬 I've had enough and just had a "been ages since we've caught up" text and I can't stomach even a phone call. I'm not her friend any more, our political, moral and every other view doesn't align in any way and I find her beyond irritating.

Help me. She's had 3 long term friends stop seeing her and disappear from her life, I know I'm a cunt but there must be a reason why these other women flitted out of her life too?

Firstly, you aren't a cunt for thinking about yourself and your family first.

Secondly, you successfully reached 6 weeks last time, so you can do it forever.

To answer your question, yes I have and would do again. My friend ship circle is tiny because that's the way I want it.

It's ok to smile and ignore, block and decline.

@LostForWords2021 haha thank you.

Problem is, last time there was an issue - I ignored her for about 2 weeks, and by ignore I mean I was struggling with my own MH and trying to keep my shit together she turned up at my house with no warning.

I don't want that. I think I actually have to say some thing or one day I may just snap and tell her to take her gossiping manipulative loud mouth the fuck away from me.

I have cut several former friends out of my life for similar reasons. With age and family life comes responsibility. You have a right to be picky who you spend your time with. Everyone knows a braggard blabbermouth who is filled with self importance. It is unattractive. You are right in that if others have run away, they get the same ick as you do. Why don't you be direct with her and tell her you don't see yourself as her friend anymore. It saves pestering. People in the UK are too polite and suffer all sorts for social grace. In recent times, I have had four surgeries, a child diagnosed with autism, a difficult relationship breakdown, a family bereavement and a chronically sick pet to contend with. An accident left me disabled, and beyond surgical repair. It gave me time to reflect on life, since I nearly died. I decided to cut out toxic people from my life to enjoy spending time how I wanted. It is brilliant and I am happier. Please do the same.

There is some good advice here;

natashaadamo.com/toxic-friends/

Quite a few people, yes. Not family. Friends and ex in laws.

Try formulating some demands of her and telling her how you feel in non violent communication ways. It may be the most loving thing you can ever do rather than just disappearing. If she's pissed off and ditches you then goal achieved but if you've ever cared for her it's the thing to try first rather rather going straight to ditch, which I think is very harsh and damaging to do to someone, especially if they don't know why.

@MrsIglesias

Try formulating some demands of her and telling her how you feel in non violent communication ways. It may be the most loving thing you can ever do rather than just disappearing. If she's pissed off and ditches you then goal achieved but if you've ever cared for her it's the thing to try first rather rather going straight to ditch, which I think is very harsh and damaging to do to someone, especially if they don't know why.

Sorry, but I disagree. The OP doesn't owe this person anything, considering the way she's been treated by this so-called 'friend' for so long.

No wonder these other people have had the good sense to have dumped her as a friend.

I'm not sure how I could tell her how I feel other than bluntly saying "I don't want to spend time with and listen to you brag about how amazing your life is and hear the content chimes of how much money you earn.

I think every story / interaction at some level comes down to "I'm so stressed but I'm bound to be with my job earning what I do I'm paid to be stressed / paid to be tired / paid this much to be this busy / paid more than X Y and Z because they value me"

Just. Fuck. Off.

Yes. A couple of friends and a taxi family member.

You'll wonder about them every so often but you'll feel better in yourself for getting rid of the drama.

Toxic not taxi 🤦‍♀️

I had the same with a ‘friend’ of mine

She’d come round,slagging off loads of people (who I didn’t know) and if you told her anything,it would get back to you within a few hours-she’d blab to anyone who listened

I was sick of being talked to,not having a chat-also sick of trying to hide from her if I had a day off-shed go into my work to check I was there and she’d shout at me if I dared go out-it got to the point I missed endless parcels as id hear the doorbell and hide just in case it was her (i was a coward and should have just stood up to her but I felt I didn’t need the falling out)

It was made clear that if I did want to go out,I had to check with her first-I don’t check with my partner-I wasn’t starting with her

Oh and she was ‘phobic’ of everything-from gay people to anyone who wasn’t Lilly white

Anyway,at Christmas I had my darling mil to stay (I worship her)

This woman knocked on the door,uninvited with a crappy excuse and a present for me-she pushed past my mil and I came down to find her barking at my mil to make her a cuppa which mil did as she’s waaayyy too polite

My mil is quite ‘British stiff upper lip’ and some things I’d never talk to her about

This woman stomped in,sat down,started calling mil ‘mum’ (which really wound me up for some reason-but ok,whatever) and started talking at us

She then (after about ten minutes of yapping at me without pausing for breath) turned to me (with mil sat next to me) and said ‘oh Horace,have you ever had sex on this sofa?of COURSE you have!hahaha,did x (my partner) enjoy it?you’ll have to give him a blow job and tell me if he enjoys it’

A large part of me died in that moment,I managed to get her out,grovelled to my mil and haven’t spoken a word to this woman again

It was death by 1,000 cuts with her-I felt like I was drowning

You owe nobody anything-just cut her out and move on-don’t give it a second thought-friendships are a two way street and if not,they are allowed to die

You're not being a cunt at all. I've cut quite a lot of people out.
I used to give chance after chance and always allowed toxic people to stay in my life despite it affecting my mental health.
Over the past 10 years I've learned that if someone or something is bad for me, I don't have to keep them/it around and my mental health has improved massively.

Do yourself a favour and cut her off. You may feel anxious or guilty at first but I promise, over time it will feel like a weight off your shoulders.

God yeah, I used to have quite a large circle of really close friends who, I thought, were the world to me. We're talking long-standing childhood friends.
Until a couple of incidents showed me some were truly horrible backstabbing bitches and the rest were either shit stirring gossips or spineless fence sitters.
I cut them all out and it devastated me but I'm out the other side and can now see, very clearly, that they were not my friends at all.
I know I did the right thing, I'd rather be alone than have that as my only option.

@Horaceandgus oh my dear god what the fuck was she thinking?

The final few things for me are

• telling my ex husbands new girl friend that I knew about her (when what I'd actually confided in her was that my children had suspicions that dads friend was his now girl friend - which unleashed a shit load of crap from my ex warning me to leave his new girl friend alone as basically this poor new woman thought I was stalking her (my friend and this woman know each other through a friend of a friend and my friend had found her on FB and messaged her to tell her!)

• she works for same company as me. I was much more senior than her but took a massive step back after my last DC and she's manipulated her way up from a PA assistant type role to a management position by lying and dropping other people (including me) in shit

• I'm currently pregnant and friend needed a favour from me, she came over and then less than an hour after she left text and said she has a positive LFT. I'm certain she knew she was covid positive before she came over.

• always makes out she's only friends with my ex or some one random as a favour to me. When actually I couldn't care less. I'm happily divorced. I don't really care what he does and I certainly don't want her thinking she's doing me favour / reporting back. I don't want to know.

• actually any thing is always owed "remember back in 1996 I lent you my flexible 30cm ruler? Well could you have my DC for 3 nights in July so I can go away on a mini break.... you did say you owed me!"

Plus. You know. She earns a lot.
She's a terrible gossip and I hate it.

Final final final straw for me.

I kept my recent pregnancy quiet after a lot of heart break. Got to 16 weeks and told a few people (including my siblings at this point and my children). My child told hers.
I get a text from an acquaintance of mine who I've not seen in at least 5 years congratulating me.... I was like "what the F for?" Turns out my friend had announced my pregnancy in a local mums Facebook group.

What. The. Fuck.

What do you do though if the toxic people are your family?

@AnastasiaRomanov

What do you do though if the toxic people are your family?

Cut them out.

I very xut contact with my mother and several 'friends' over the years and have severely reduced contact with others.

There is no drama or angst in my life. I only have people around me who enhance my life.

It's great.

I've cut family member from my life. So satisfying and the freedom is wonderful.

Yes yes @GreyCarpet @Bogeyes I'm currently having therapy / counselling dealing with relationships and I wonder if this is what's caused my ahaaaaaa no more of this train of thought regarding this friend.

I've already made peace with my toxic mother - and distanced myself accordingly and it feels so liberating

OP you have to dump this person. One of those things she did is enough reason on its own, let alone all of them. It’s so hard to dump a friend though. It’s not like dumping a partner where you can say you can’t see a future together or you’ve met someone else.

I dumped a friend years ago by ghosting her (she lives a distance away) and I actually still feel bad about it. Would’ve been more honest to tell her but it is difficult. She didn’t do anything nearly as bad as your friend though. She was just a negative person and used to drag me down. I guess with your friend you have more of a reason to text her and say you want to cool the friendship for a while because of XYZ.

I have a friend at the moment that I’m not sure I want to be friends with anymore. But neither of us has texted the other for a while so maybe she feels the same. I’m going to leave it and see what happens.

It’s so difficult with yours when she keeps getting in touch, and presumably you see her at work. Maybe reply and say now is not a good time. Oh OP I don’t know! Wish I could help you.

You are absolutely not a cunt by the way. You’re a saint to have put up with her for this long! You owe her nothing. There is one cunt in this story though…..

Do it, you'll feel tons lighter.

Nothing wrong with cutting someone toxic from your life. I've done it - a lot of the time, calling out the bullshit things someone has done is enough: They take offence and disappear.

This was me 7 years ago. I was caught up in a long standing friendship (from age 11) and she had always been "difficult" -but as we got older it turned more and more mean and destructive and I decided, for my mental health, I just couldn't do it anymore. We were a group of four so in the end I lost the other two as well which was a shame but in the long run has been SUCH a positive. I've not regretted splitting for even a minute. I slowly ghosted and stopped replying to messages. I did actually get a message from toxic friend in 2020 apologising but for me it was too late and I just left it on read. I think that says everything I want to say.

I’m thinking of doing this with two friends. Lockdown has changed the dynamics somehow. One has become a terrified recluse who is totally self absorbed. The other is a totally negative person . I feel very guilty though because both are nice people. They just make me feel worse when I talk to them. Neither will do anything to change their situation either so it feels like there is nowhere to go.

I cut my toxic mother out of my life. People told me I couldn't because she was my mother... snip snip motherfucker!

I put my all into friendships and relationships. They can't always be 50/50, sometimes one person needs more and I'm happy to provide it. But people who are out to hurt me? Off your pop

Why are you so spineless that you can't just say to her?