Have you ever "cut some one out" of your life?

[fangle]

Evening all. Long time poster.... my eldest is 16 so I've been around a lot, penis beaker etc

I have a friend who I've known for 20 years. She's been a staunch supporter of mine in really tough times and has been V good to me over the years BUT there are also some absolutely hideous experiences in her company and I just can't be arsed with her, her beliefs, her family, her drama any more and I don't know how to handle it.

Our children attend the same school & hobbies and I've now come to dread the contact - so much so I've changed my behaviour to avoid her / her husband.

I'm far from perfect but I can't deal with her any more. She's a show off brag about any thing and everything and I find it toe curling. She WFH and clearly doesn't see many people any more as she's so loud and so public about every nuance of her marriage / life I find it nauseating and embarrassing which isn't nice of me. I just want to watch my kids practice their thing and read my book and not hear how amazing and perfect her life is at full volume so every other parent hears... when in reality I know this isn't the case.

But the biggy. She manipulative and calculating and it's got me in trouble at work, she's said some down right shit things about one of my DC's dyslexia diagnosis which at the time took me so back I couldn't answer the phone to her for a good 6 weeks.

She has to know everything first, but she's a gossip and she will flap her gums to the world to be the one "in the know"

like announcing my pregnancy on Facebook 😬 I've had enough and just had a "been ages since we've caught up" text and I can't stomach even a phone call. I'm not her friend any more, our political, moral and every other view doesn't align in any way and I find her beyond irritating.

Help me. She's had 3 long term friends stop seeing her and disappear from her life, I know I'm a cunt but there must be a reason why these other women flitted out of her life too?

Just block her already.

I've cut two so-called friends out who behaved really hurtfully when my father was seriously ill. They informed me they 'weren't the right people for me to be talking to about it', never bothered asking me how he was or how I was coping (I was his and my mum's carer at the time, and they were living with me, and it was really hard - I kept 'venting' to a minimum but naturally needed an ear from time to time), admonished me to 'appreciate him while you can' (neither of them had lost a parent at the time, and hadn't the foggiest what I was going through) and then, a while after my dad had passed away (news that met with a disinterested response from one of them, and a scolding from the other for not telling her sooner), one of them had the nerve to announce she was cutting me out because I 'hadn't seemed interested in her or her life for a long time'. She seemed oblivious of how long I'd not spoken to her and clearly hadn't cottoned on that I'd already cut her out. I wish I could say doing so had brought closure, but years later I still feel angry when I allow myself to think about them, so I try not to, but in hindsight I wish I'd told the pair of them what I thought of them at the time.

Sorry, got carried away there. OP your friend sounds really toxic. I think I'd struggle not to tell her exactly what I thought of her. Friends are supposed to be people who are nice to you, have your back and don't mess with your head - you don't need her.

The older you get the easier it is to cut toxic wankers out. You develop a tougher hide. I have cut out my sister and my step children. My sister is an appalling person and everyone and the vicars dog has cut her off and my step children tried to steal from me so they are out of the will and put of my life. I wish I had done it sooner but you live and learn.

You will need to say something to her otherwise she will turn up unannounced. Be prepared for her to slag you off afterwards but be brave! Find a couple of sentences that hit the nail on its head and just repeat them, ad nauseum - don't be forced into a discussion particularly at work.

I have a similar problem, used to think she was lovely, now I realise she is an unbearable narcissist and my heart sinks if I get a message from her.

I've been grey stoning. Now getting the "really feel like I've done some thing wrong" messages and the "just checking in with my wife" commenting on everything on social media & even fb messaged my sister asking how I was.

I cut a family member out over 2 years ago after experiencing their appalling behaviour when my father was dying and them subsequently stripping the house of anything of value, including all my mother’s jewellery.
They have badmouthed me but I couldn’t care less. I have since discovered more things they’ve said or done- well, I hope they can live with their conscience - avid church goer but the least christian individual I have ever known.

You need to block her on social media (not just unfriendly her). Blocking means she can’t see anything you post or comment on. It’s better to not reply to any texts or messages but if you can’t do that only reply after a few days with short texts.

Be very frosty with her if she turns up, ‘I’m just about to go out’ ‘it’s not convenient now as I’m busy’ etc. She’ll get the message pretty quickly if you don’t engage with her at all.

I’d be so tempted to get your sister to correct her and say ‘ex wife’!

@MrsIglesias

Try formulating some demands of her and telling her how you feel in non violent communication ways. It may be the most loving thing you can ever do rather than just disappearing. If she's pissed off and ditches you then goal achieved but if you've ever cared for her it's the thing to try first rather rather going straight to ditch, which I think is very harsh and damaging to do to someone, especially if they don't know why.

That's the right thing to do. So do the right thing, not the easiest thing.

@CinnamonJellyBeans

Are you the friend ?

Just keep grey rocking and being vague, from what you've said she's not the sort of person who will respond healthily to a difficult conversation. It sounds like you don't like her and that's okay. You don't expect everyone to like you. The most you can say is you've got a lot on and have less time for friendships right now. The thing is, the way she's behaving now is the same reason you don't want to be friends, poor self awareness and people with poor self awareness tend to react badly to any attempt at honesty if there are relationship difficulties.

As for trying to sort it out I think op has been feeling this for some time, it's not something she felt for the first time yesterday. Also relationships end sometimes, that's okay, just like romantic relationships. It's actually not possible to be proper friends with everyone without rendering the whole idea of friendship meaningless. In the same way you can't have a happy marriage with everyone, it takes a set of skills not everyone has or even wants.

yes, i've cut someone out of my life. fifty years ago i became friends with a girl who started at the same 6th form college as i attended and we kept in contact for about ten years or so after leaving school. In 1986 my then friend was married with two small children and the eldest was going through a toddler stage where he'd only eat baked beans and burgers. My ex and I invited my friend, her husband and the two children upto our house for a picnic in the back garden - it was the weekend after the August Bank Holiday weekend, as I recall.

I asked my friend to let us know by the Wednesday before they were due to come up whether they'd be able to come, and that was when we were advised of her eldest's dietary foibles. We didn't eat baked beans or burgers but laid in a stock of these items anyway and waited for telephone confirmation from my friend that they were indeed coming to us for a picnic on the agreed date. My ex and I prepared an elaborate picnic tea for both adults and children but we never receied a telephone call to confirm they were coming and after they didn't turn up we waited for a telephone call explaining why they couldn't make it. I accept that with small children there can sometimes be emergencies that cause outings to be cancelled, but if you don't turn up when you've been invited out spomewhere then surely it's only decent good manners to phone your hostess and apologise/explain your non-appearance?

Both my ex and I were extremely annoyed at my friend's lack of manners/consideration for us and we waited.....and waited.....and waited for her to phone and apologise/explain, but after almost forty years i don't think somehow we'll ever receive an apology! i told my ex at the time (and he agreed with me) that I wasn't prepared to contact mny friend as we both felt it was up to her to apologise and explain......she's not made any effort to contact me in all these years so it's as well I decided to cut her out of my life all those years ago.

Over the years, I've dropped contact with what were close friends for what I'd considered valid reasons for me. I'm happy I've done it. There needs to be a basis for a friendship, and these things can follow a natural course.

On the other side, there are old friends of mine I'd have liked to stay in contact with more, but they have made little effort, and that's just fine too.

Once the warm feelings for someone have gone, then it's only right to end it as carrying on would be hypocritical, and it just wouldn't work so I think you have to cut her off OP!
I also think that you're justified in this case as the nasty things she said about one of your DC's is inexcusable IMO! It would definitely make me not want to see nor speak to a person again if it were my DC!
So, you are NOT being a c%^*, but she sure seems to be going downhill as a person and to have become toxic to be around!
I'm sorry OP and the best of luck, you'll feel better without her!