Have you ever "cut some one out" of your life?

[fangle]

Evening all. Long time poster.... my eldest is 16 so I've been around a lot, penis beaker etc

I have a friend who I've known for 20 years. She's been a staunch supporter of mine in really tough times and has been V good to me over the years BUT there are also some absolutely hideous experiences in her company and I just can't be arsed with her, her beliefs, her family, her drama any more and I don't know how to handle it.

Our children attend the same school & hobbies and I've now come to dread the contact - so much so I've changed my behaviour to avoid her / her husband.

I'm far from perfect but I can't deal with her any more. She's a show off brag about any thing and everything and I find it toe curling. She WFH and clearly doesn't see many people any more as she's so loud and so public about every nuance of her marriage / life I find it nauseating and embarrassing which isn't nice of me. I just want to watch my kids practice their thing and read my book and not hear how amazing and perfect her life is at full volume so every other parent hears... when in reality I know this isn't the case.

But the biggy. She manipulative and calculating and it's got me in trouble at work, she's said some down right shit things about one of my DC's dyslexia diagnosis which at the time took me so back I couldn't answer the phone to her for a good 6 weeks.

She has to know everything first, but she's a gossip and she will flap her gums to the world to be the one "in the know"

like announcing my pregnancy on Facebook 😬 I've had enough and just had a "been ages since we've caught up" text and I can't stomach even a phone call. I'm not her friend any more, our political, moral and every other view doesn't align in any way and I find her beyond irritating.

Help me. She's had 3 long term friends stop seeing her and disappear from her life, I know I'm a cunt but there must be a reason why these other women flitted out of her life too?

Yes, though with a shorter-term "friend". When I broke up with a bf, she sent him messages telling him how badly he'd treated me. He hadn't treated me badly! We'd broken up on good terms. She just liked drama.
Various petty things - but basically I realised it was making me feel like a horrible person for being pissed off at her.
Stopped talking to her and the stress was gone.

I suggest saying back to her “we have a lot going on at the moment. I’ll give you a text back in a couple of months when things have calmed down” (this is true of course you have a badly behaving friend who is driving you mad) refuse to discuss any of this with her if she asks and just repeat if you keep getting messages. Doing that allows her to feel you are in the wrong or have something wrong going on which is definitely easiest with these types of people.

I was/am in a similar situation with an old friend. Same story, lots of good qualities and good times but seriously lacking in self awareness and the behaviour is really bad. I reached a point where I just had to call out her behaviour which in fairness she accepts but equally I want massive change between us from now on. In my case I am going to do significant boundaries with which might work for you. But reading your situation it really sounds like you are done so a complete fade out might work better.

Been going through this with an (ex) best friend of mine.
I just stopped being available!
Every suggestion of meeting up I was busy, too much work, kids attending something etc.
It got to the point where it was blatantly obvious and verging in rudeness but I kept saying it and now I’ve had a blissful 3 months of peace.
Absolutely don’t put yourself down or feel bad about it, you have different values & interests and there’s absolutely nothing wrong that and you shouldn’t be feeling bad about (easier said than done I know).

@Oblomov22 spineless 😂 I think I'm a people pleaser (please see comment re my toxic mother) and I don't want to upset her. I know when her other friends disappeared out of her life with no reason she was v v upset but then that's landed more pressure on our relationship

And yes yes to who ever said lock down had changed the dynamics. This exactly!

@oliviastwisted I have called her out recently on a couple of things, I then get long depressing poor me monologue texts - which I was so cross still I ignored, then she tipped up at my house with token gifts (like a box of tea bags) and some tears.

I have cut out 'friends', also toxic parents and sibling.
My life is immeasurably better and my son grew up without their toxic, violent, critical, gaslighting, bullying influence and a happier, therefore better mother. I broke the cycle.
I'm a recovering people pleaser due to my childhood and I've found boundaries very hard to do but worth it. Lack of boundaries is how these people got to me in the first place.
I ghosted a self absorbed, underhandedly cruel ' friend ' a couple of years ago which was probably not the way to go about it and I wish I had had the guts to say what my issues with her were, but I had hit burnout (which she had contributed to actually) and just had enough.
It's really hard OP but the benefits are worth it. Mental peace (and less physical health issues due to stress). You can't put a price on your health. Protect your peace.

I emailed a friend to end our friendship.. Imo there was no other way. Her dh got sent to jail. Became her exh. But him and his crime were the sole topic of every meet up.. In front of our dc was inappropriate.. I had tried diverting the chat etc. For years.
In the email I wished her well. Told her she needed to move on. And asked she didn't reply as an argument was an unnecessary end to our friendship..
To her credit she left me alone.
I hope she did move on. Her dc were amazing.
I hope you find a way that works for you op.

I did it 2 weeks ago with no warning to someone and omg I cannot tell you the relief..it is bliss. Do it op fuck em! You will feel a million times better in yourself. I have zero regrets about my decision. Life is way too short to deal with shitty people. The straw that broke my back funniy enough was a slice of cake,yep thats all but on top of everything else I decided there and then I was done, I remain done and and I joyous I am done.Said person still doesnt know why and is asking everyone yet hasnt the balls to ask me! Fuck her,Hell will freee over before i let her back into my circle,I a worth more and i respect myself more than have to have someone like that in my life,Do it is my advice.

My ex friend sounds similar. She lives on the nicer estate next to mine, has to drop the price of her house into every conversation she has. Weirdly started her kid on at the school on our estate when there's an outstanding one two streets away from her, says she's too down to earth to make mom friends there. Then likes to be judgey and snide about the moms here.

Anyway I'd be here all day typing some if the sly nasty shit she's pulled.

I literally just stopped her mid chat one day and told her goodbye, that I find her condescending, rude, nasty and spiteful....to not approach me again. I don't like you.

Off I trotted. Blocked her number/socials and moved on.

She did try to turn other mutual friends against me but most people already had her sussed. She even had a word with the head teacher at our kids school and told him I was bullying her 🤷‍♀️. We had a laugh about it. Then randomly a solicitors letter telling me to not contact her in any way or form or I'd be charged with harassment. Scratched my head a bit about that one. Then showed my adult dd who looked into it, found she'd just made the letter herself, the solicitor it was supposed to have come from have no contact with her.

Deranged.

Anyway good luck I think with these kind of people you just have to be abrupt and tell it like it is

Well, I’ve ended friendships with people I even like, because ultimately it wasn’t good for me - some of the things they did. I felt better yes without a doubt, though we had some good times, a couple of things I could not get past.

To say she sounds toxic OP seems to be the understatement of the year. However you still bump into her and work in the same company so you probably need to be esp diplomatic.

I’d just text a response like “I’m taking a step back from things as you need some ‘me’ time. All the best”. Part of the slow fade! If she contacts you again you can ignore or just refuse meet ups etc. Eventually she’ll go away. Smile and say how are you when you see her. then quickly move on. Soon you will just be “hello, how are you” in the street or lift people.

How does that sound?

I need me time, not you, sorry

@Iputthetrampintrampoline I want to know more......

I've replied to her text with a "yes
I'll be at the kids club this week but really want to concentrate on watching them. All the best.

She doesn't know a thing about me any more, as I can't get a word into her brag sessions when I see her. I've hidden her on all socials for some time but she comments in everything I post and refers to me as her wife.

[quote fangle]@Oblomov22 spineless 😂 I think I'm a people pleaser (please see comment re my toxic mother) and I don't want to upset her. I know when her other friends disappeared out of her life with no reason she was v v upset but then that's landed more pressure on our relationship

And yes yes to who ever said lock down had changed the dynamics. This exactly! [/quote]
I know when her other friends disappeared out of her life with no reason she was v v upset

I'm quite sure there was a reason. She might be blithely unaware, but I bet the friends had a jolly good reason to ditch her.

As have you.

Yes absolutely. I’m currently going through something similar. I’m less tolerant to idiots these days. I want to spend my time with people who I have fun with, we support each other and I don’t want friendships that are hard work. Who needs drama.

Yes, both people were very close family members to me! But it makes no difference who it would be wether a family member or a so called friend, ( friends can be so much nicer lol) if you allow yourself to be treated badly then so be it, but not me. Get rid of toxic people from your life is my advice! They have no place in mine, I’ve never been happier!

Yes
A family member
There is nothing to be gained from attempting to revive a relationship with them again on any level as they never change and everything is always my fault. They get a thrill out of seeing me suffer and be unhappy.
It was like a scab healing for a while I needed to scratch it and pull it off but the wound just starts bleeding again and you become the person who’s inflicting as much pain on yourself as they have

The best stance to take with this particular individual is just silence.
Now it doesn’t hurt the way it used to. It’s more a sense of relief that I made a conscious decision to not expose myself to their madness ever again.

Yes I’ve been through this. Best thing ever now I’m finally ‘free’ but it did take a while.

I started ‘grey rocking’ which is basically not sharing any details of your life with them at all. Respond to any messages with oh that’s nice. Have a nice time. Very bland non personal responses. Pleasant enough but no further. They get the message after a while and soon get bored.

Make sure you’re busy a lot. Even if it’s pretend busy. Again, they generally get bored asking after a while.

If you knew someone felt like this about you would you want them to force themselves to spend time with you? Of course not. Just keep grey rocking and it will wither without the need for drama.

Ah yes grey rocking. Never heard that saying but looking at our communication that's what I've done for months and when I had to see her I gave her a time by which I needed to leave

I think the announcing your pregnancy in a Facebrook group gives you the perfect excuse. Just tell her "I'll never forgive you for that we're parting ways, don't text or call me because I won't reply".

@fangle

I've replied to her text with a "yes I'll be at the kids club this week but really want to concentrate on watching them. All the best.

She doesn't know a thing about me any more, as I can't get a word into her brag sessions when I see her. I've hidden her on all socials for some time but she comments in everything I post and refers to me as her wife.

Her wife?!! She sounds barking mad.

It’s hard when you can’t easily avoid her. Also, if you completely ignore her be prepared for her to tell all your mutual friends/acquaintances what a monster you are for ditching her out of no where.

I think I’d be grey rocking and limiting contact as much as possible but try to keep it civil. The next time she does something horrible, make it clear how much she has upset you and that that is the end of your friendship.

Yes she does sound mad. A580’s post saying her announcement of your pregnancy is good enough reason, 100%. Just say you were unhappy about it if she asks why you are not speaking to her anymore. Then don’t respond further. But she does sound completely barking; I doubt she’ll hear you.

Yes, I have. 2 friends and my sister. Without boring you with all of the details, suffice to say that I out up with a lot of crap for decades until I could do no more. One friend shagged my then DH. One friend accused me of sleeping with her fat husband, uurgh. Both were straws that broke the camels back. My sister is a Narc and had turned most family events in to huge brawls for years. My life is so much more peaceful now, and I'd never go back.

With your "friend", nothing subtle will work. You're going to have to sever the friendship and tell her why. I would imagine this is going to be hard if you have to still see her at events. Do you? I would send a clear and balanced text message.