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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you move on from a row?

51 replies

Stormchaser1502 · 04/04/2022 16:33

I hate rowing and I hate confrontation. It always ends up with Dh being really arrogant and cocky, and me being truly sad for a day or two, although trying to portray that I’m fine.

Yesterday he was horrid all day. Cold and fiesty. I kept really calm and continued to be ‘happy’. He continued to pick at me.
It ends in a row, he swore at me and walked off while I was making dinner. (He was sat drinking a beer and playing on his phone). The row was me asking him how his hobby had been that day and him too tired to reply so told me I was nagging!! He then told me to F off and walked away. I said what about dinner and he said ‘F* your dinner!’

Ten mins later, I called ‘dinner’ and my dc and I sat at the table and continued to eat without him. He didn’t arrive so we left his on the table and cleared up.
I slept on the sofa. I’ve never ever done this in 25 years of marriage but the way he was to me yesterday was disgusting!!

Today he called at lunchtime and acted as if nothing happened. When I was quiet and confused, he told me to move on!! I said I couldn’t as I can’t get past some of the things he said to me.

How do I ‘just move on’?

OP posts:

sorrysaywhatnow · 04/04/2022 16:35

You 'move on' by packing his stuff and showing him the door. He sounds awful. I would be horrified if my DH spoke to me like that, it's awful.

TracyMosby · 04/04/2022 16:35

You dont. He is awful.

TibetanTerrah · 04/04/2022 16:40

Why should you "move on"?

I've had relationships like this. They think they can act like they want, make you feel like shit and upset you, and then the next day its just expected to be completely forgotten, and if you can't or want to at least talk it thru and resolve it, they turn it on you and accuse you of "dragging it on"/"carrying on an argument".

Adults resolve conflict. Children avoid conflict. You are putting your life and your emotions at the whims of an erratic, unpredictable man child. Will he kick off at me for some minor indiscretion or nothing at all? Do I have to walk on eggshells because he's a bit quiet and moody? Oh, he's in a good mood, let's hope he stays that way.

Its no way to live OP. People who are like this dont like being held responsible for their behaviour, nor do they have any interest in fixing it. It's worked for them this far, gets them their own way without consequences. Why would they change.

ThisisMax · 04/04/2022 16:40

'Ten mins later, I called ‘dinner’ and my dc and I sat at the table and continued to eat without him'

I grew up with this. It left me damaged and in need of so much help with my relationships for years until I finally learned how to have a relationship, negotiate normally and address conflict.

I think you have normalised a lot of things. If I told my wife Fuck your dinner it would really be a big issue. You are accepting of this behaviour? Why? And why should your kids see it? Its so damaging. I can still remember my parents at this.

I think you should introduce a really clear line in your relationship around how you deal with conflict.
You deal with it on the day, it does not fester, there is no contempt or name calling. How its being dealt with now is not great.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 04/04/2022 16:46

Raise your bar. Today. Tell yourself now you won't accept being spoken to like that.
Would you want your dc in such a relationship? They take cues from you. Stay and they will think it is acceptable for a man to speak to a woman like that.
Your ds will become an abuser and your dd a victim.
The possibility not guaranteed obviously..
But will be seen as acceptable to them.

RewildingAmbridge · 04/04/2022 16:46

That's not a row that's abusive behaviour. DH and I had a row at the weekend, he'd broken something of his being clumsy and was stomping around muttering, i asked him not to be so noisy as DS had only just gone to bed. He said why are you having a go at me I'm not stomping around I'm just trying to fix x, you're just trying to start a row. I said I don't understand why stomping and banging around is going to fix it, but I'm not getting into this it's ridiculous, and I don't like the way you're speaking to me. I went to the living room to read my book, he came in ten minutes later and said I'm sorry I was stomping and then I snapped at you because I'm angry at myself for being careless with x and breaking it, and felt stupid because earlier you'd said do you want to use my old thing instead in case your new one gets broken (think electricals in a wet environment) , so I thought you were going to say I told you so but you didn't. I'm sorry for being a dick and I've made you a cup of tea.
We moved on.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 04/04/2022 16:47

Sadly my ds hit his gf after living with such a df. Still has therapy at 30 despite not seeing his df for 23 years..

HellToTheNope · 04/04/2022 16:48

You move on by getting a solicitor and leaving this abusive shitbag of a man. Your standards are shockingly low. I feel sorry for your children having to live in such a wretched environment.

whoturnedthesunoff · 04/04/2022 16:51

Don't put up with this ! How bloody dare he ? Does he have history of short temper , bad language , abuse ?

Do you really want your children to grow up thinking this is normal ?

Original poster

Stormchaser1502 · 04/04/2022 17:52

He is short tempered. I do always worry what mood he’s going to be in, and always seem to placate the situation. It’s tiring. Even my dd told me I’d been so relaxed while he was away but noticeably different as the clock ticked to him arriving back.
He’d been away for a couple of days for work and then chose to spend the one day we had as a family, doing his hobby.
He didn’t tell me this until yesterday morning. I was so sad inside but just said ‘that’s fine’.
He stil then chose to be Mr Angry once finally home.

I feel so insignificant in his world. And just hate rowing.

I could either just be lovely tonight and cook dinner and have a ‘normal’ evening, or I could try and tell him what his behaviour has made me feel like.
The latter will absolutely result in him kicking off and swearing again.

This cycle then continues until I just give in.

The worst bit of it, and the bit that messes with my head is that it’s time of the month for me….and I absolutely know I haven’t got pmt, and feel really chilled in every area of my life, apart from around him. But he will totally tell me I’ve got Pmt, that I’m unhinged etc etc.
(Despite if ever I do get pmt, it’s the few days before my period, not nearly at the end!).

OP posts:

ThisisMax · 04/04/2022 18:06

@Stormchaser1502

He is short tempered. I do always worry what mood he’s going to be in, and always seem to placate the situation. It’s tiring. Even my dd told me I’d been so relaxed while he was away but noticeably different as the clock ticked to him arriving back. He’d been away for a couple of days for work and then chose to spend the one day we had as a family, doing his hobby. He didn’t tell me this until yesterday morning. I was so sad inside but just said ‘that’s fine’. He stil then chose to be Mr Angry once finally home.

I feel so insignificant in his world. And just hate rowing.

This cycle then continues until I just give in.

Look, this guy has got you where he wants you. Compliant, walking on eggshells, now your kids are growing up with it. Just leave him. I'm a guy and if one of my daughters ever ended up in your situation I'd get her out. Do it now - he won't change. You will not believe how free you will feel when you do get out. There are loads of female posters on here who can advise better than I can.

IncompleteSenten · 04/04/2022 18:08

You don't.
That's not a disagreement or an argument. It's him picking a fight and being a wanker. He wanted to have a go at you. I'd be asking myself why.

DemelzaandRoss · 04/04/2022 18:08

Only you can choose which road to take tonight.
My own opinion would be to break this chain now. Maybe even write him a letter if he’s going to (predictably) become abusive.
Say you are at a crossroads. The ball is in his court. Either he makes an effort to change & be civil or the marriage is finished.
The life you are describing doesn’t sound pleasant. Life is too short to live like this.

Blanca87 · 04/04/2022 18:12

Look at how you are normalising this with your daughter, she will end up with one like yours if you don’t set an example.

caringcarer · 04/04/2022 18:15

He is making your life and that of your children miserable. He won't change. See a solicitor without telling him and see where you would stand financially.

springtimeishereagain · 04/04/2022 18:20

He's choosing to behave like it. Think about that. He thinks this is the optimum way to behave to his wife and dc. If your dc have noticed that you're more relaxed when he's not around, then there must be a convertible difference in you, and that's not a good thing. Your poor dc.

You and they deserve better. I'd stop placating this angry man and get angry yourself.

Original poster

Stormchaser1502 · 04/04/2022 18:32

I’m dreading him coming home

OP posts:

ThisisMax · 04/04/2022 18:37

@Stormchaser1502

I’m dreading him coming home

Do you feel unsafe? Do you need someone to help you?

Original poster

Stormchaser1502 · 04/04/2022 18:39

I don’t feel unsafe at all. He’s a coward. Very verbally aggressive but never physically.

I’m just dreading being tied in knots verbally. And the black cloud that appears. Just never know what to do or say for the best tbh

OP posts:

loveyoutothemoon · 04/04/2022 18:39

He's a wanker, what are you doing with him, has he always been like this? Maybe his head has been turned.

Original poster

Stormchaser1502 · 04/04/2022 18:44

He’s always been like this tbh. It’s just back then I used to just crack on and be nice the following day to diffuse it.
The older I get, the more I feel I shouldn’t be letting him speak to me like this!!
Then by standing up for myself, he’s now telling me I’m rude, he hates the way I speak to him, I’m aggressive. (I’m truly not aggressive…that’s not a trait of mine at all.)

It’s probably easier just to go back to how I was. But the pandering then was enough. As he’s got older, he expects more and more, and is also more and more disrespectful and belittling

OP posts:

loveyoutothemoon · 04/04/2022 18:46

Time to dump him then, doesn't sound like you want to though.

Original poster

Stormchaser1502 · 04/04/2022 18:47

I don’t want the marriage to end. I want a marriage and I want him to respect me.
But it’s more and more obvious it’s not looking possible.

OP posts:

bluejelly · 04/04/2022 18:52

He sounds impossible to have a decent relationship with. I would make plans to break up. If that feels too overwhelming now, I'd suggest arranging some counselling (just for you, not couples) to help process your feelings and plan your new life. And I have no doubt there is a better life for you without him in it.

RandomMess · 04/04/2022 18:56

It's going to continue to get worse though isn't it?

He doesn't value you or the DC or the family unit at all.

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