Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you move on from a row?

51 replies

Stormchaser1502 · 04/04/2022 16:33

I hate rowing and I hate confrontation. It always ends up with Dh being really arrogant and cocky, and me being truly sad for a day or two, although trying to portray that I’m fine.

Yesterday he was horrid all day. Cold and fiesty. I kept really calm and continued to be ‘happy’. He continued to pick at me.
It ends in a row, he swore at me and walked off while I was making dinner. (He was sat drinking a beer and playing on his phone). The row was me asking him how his hobby had been that day and him too tired to reply so told me I was nagging!! He then told me to F off and walked away. I said what about dinner and he said ‘F* your dinner!’

Ten mins later, I called ‘dinner’ and my dc and I sat at the table and continued to eat without him. He didn’t arrive so we left his on the table and cleared up.
I slept on the sofa. I’ve never ever done this in 25 years of marriage but the way he was to me yesterday was disgusting!!

Today he called at lunchtime and acted as if nothing happened. When I was quiet and confused, he told me to move on!! I said I couldn’t as I can’t get past some of the things he said to me.

How do I ‘just move on’?

OP posts:
Babadook76 · 04/04/2022 18:57

You only get one life op. How much more of it are you going to waste with this arsehole?

Littlemissprosecco · 04/04/2022 19:06

Something definitely needs to change. If he can’t or won’t see his part in the row then you’re better off without him.

NowEvenBetter · 04/04/2022 19:10

Your desire for a marriage does not trump your kids rights to not be made to endure domestic abuse and trauma. Childhood trauma damages people for life (I’m one of them.) developing brains being flooded with adrenaline and cortisol, just to facilitate a sham of a marriage between two adults who can choose to stay or leave. The kids can’t choose.
Do better.

NowEvenBetter · 04/04/2022 19:13

I write this comment so many times on this website it’s like screaming into the void at this point but
Your focus should be solely on getting your kids out of this toxic house and getting them therapy. Not on your shitty husband.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 04/04/2022 19:50

I really empathise. My ex was like this. Note I say ex.

I know you say you want it to work out, but it actually can't unless he acknowledges that changes need to be made. It takes one to end a marriage but two to make it.

He doesn't want to change. He has you right where he wants you. It breaks my damn heart.

I get what you mean about periods. I used to hate arguing around that time because it automatically became my fault. Even when I was being utterly reasonable.

Leave. Prepare to leave. Take some control back. Seriously.

CrazyTimes123 · 04/04/2022 20:02

He’d be gone.
Sorry OP I’m sure you deserve much, much better than this.

LuluBlakey1 · 04/04/2022 20:06

I couldn't live with him. He's really not a kind person and is a bully.You deserve a nicer life than this.

TracyMosby · 04/04/2022 23:11

You cannot force someone to respect you. Certainly not by letting them continue to abuse you.

You dont want to be married to this piece of shit, op. You want to be married to a nice man who respects you. Dont confuse the two things. Get out.

thatsgotit · 04/04/2022 23:15

OP this man is an abusive shit and he'll never change. I know you don't want the marriage to end but you and your kids deserve so much better than this. Please leave him for your sake and theirs.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 05/04/2022 00:01

I don’t want the marriage to end. I want a marriage and I want him to respect me.
But it’s more and more obvious it’s not looking possible.

I think that you are beginning to realise OP that this set-up just isn't working.

These type of people don't respect anyone because deep down they don't respect themselves, so you're on a hiding to nothing.

Please get legal advice and make steps to leave.

I'm sorry x

OhSoStranger · 05/04/2022 01:41

Abusive fucker.

Zerrin13 · 05/04/2022 23:53

Utterly dreadful. Unkind, unfeeling, self serving and mean.

Bunty55 · 06/04/2022 00:03

Sorry Op but this was not a row. Your bloke sounds like a lost cause. He has no respect for you. Respect is a fundamental requirement of any relationship.

Your problem is that he has mentally beaten you down and you feel unable to function without him. What is worse even is that in order for him to function he has to have a whipping boy which is you.
You need to end this for the sake of your children who will grow up confused and resentful of both of you, and perhaps even go on to treat you the way he does.

Onthedunes · 06/04/2022 00:09

Yeah fuck your dinner.

Ok lets get that in writing.

No more dinners, washing, clearing up after him, helping his admin, no sex.

It's time for him to grow up and realise you can't keep being nasty without consequenses.

He's had a good run for 25 years getting his own way, you need to end this abusive dynamic.

Do you think he could have had his head turned and is ramping up the abuse.

Bonheurdupasse · 06/04/2022 00:19

OP

I'm in a similar situation and have just realised that he's a bad man, nothing I'll say will convince him to treat me better - and decided I will stop arguing and just be compliant.
This is because I don't want to be alone, as well as liking the (mostly future when kids are grown) lifestyle - not in a golddiger type way (I actually have more money than him), but in a two incomes are better than one.

I have just come to this realisation and decision, and it's made me so sad. That this will be my life, and that I'm this type of person (to make such a decision).

Don't be me.
If you can at all envisage life without him, start moving towards it. Or else your soul will be crushed.

Bogeyes · 06/04/2022 03:12

He should be living on his own. Get away from this toxic guy. He is a bully who gets what he wants. He won't change. He enjoys ruining your life.

Geppili · 06/04/2022 04:03

Divorce his manipulative arse.

GrammarTool · 06/04/2022 04:17

If I was told “fuck your dinner” there would be no more dinners cooked by me for him. End of.

Flossyhair · 06/04/2022 05:09

@Stormchaser1502

I don’t want the marriage to end. I want a marriage and I want him to respect me. But it’s more and more obvious it’s not looking possible.
Im afraid what you will allow will continue and not only that, will get worse.

Life is too short to put up with people that dont respect you. Living anywhere is better than where you are now, putting up with what you do. A person does not speak to someone like that if they love them.

He wont get better, he will get worse with age. We only get one shot at life, why let someone like him ruin it for you?

Imagine if you threw a spectacular tantrum of your own. Throw his bloody food at the wall, scream and shout and live up to his patronising 'PMT' comments and then do a grand finale of telling him that he makes you sick just looking at him. I bet he wouldnt like that. (only joking about saying that). Horrible people never like it when you treat them as they treat you.

You are worth so much more than this, don't waste your life on him.

DropYourSword · 06/04/2022 05:21

The only way I could move on from being spoken to like this is if my DH came grovelling on hands and knees with a genuinely apology and a promise for it to never happen again. And then for it to never happen again.

Your 'D'H was completely unacceptable here.

sweetbellyhigh · 06/04/2022 05:45

Why in god's name do you want "A Marriage"? You have one and it's appalling.

I think what you want is a fantasy.

But reality is you are in a marriage with a horrible person who will not change. You most certainly cannot change him. And he has no motivation to change bc everything goes his way as it is.

I mean, how can you even bear to be in the same room as a person who speaks to you like this?

I think you have long lost touch with what it feels like to be relaxed and valued.

The only way to move on from this sort of disagreement is to leave him. Ugh

autienotnaughty · 06/04/2022 05:47

He's telling you to get over it because it's not an issue to him. He can say nasty things and does not care about the impact on you. You need to think if this is what you want for your life. You can give him an ultimatum, an opportunity to change and be better. You can end the relationship but what you shouldn't do is accept his treatment of you. I was in this situation, about 20 min before exh came in I would feel sick as I never knew what mood he was in . Holidays/day trips were always ruined by him shouting/being nasty. When my kids were 2+4 I decided they deserved better. It was honestly the best thing I every did. Within a couple of weeks it was like a massive weight had been lifted. It was rough going through break up but it got easier and now 18 years later I can barely remember being married to him.

Arewethebadguys · 06/04/2022 06:17

@Bonheurdupasse

OP

I'm in a similar situation and have just realised that he's a bad man, nothing I'll say will convince him to treat me better - and decided I will stop arguing and just be compliant.
This is because I don't want to be alone, as well as liking the (mostly future when kids are grown) lifestyle - not in a golddiger type way (I actually have more money than him), but in a two incomes are better than one.

I have just come to this realisation and decision, and it's made me so sad. That this will be my life, and that I'm this type of person (to make such a decision).

Don't be me.
If you can at all envisage life without him, start moving towards it. Or else your soul will be crushed.

This is just heartbreaking. I can feel the pain in your words. You've been sbused by your husband to be compliant but you do have options. I hope some day soon you'll feel able to get away Flowers

OP, your husband is a dick. You'll never be compliant enough because he knows how to pick a fight. 25 years of that? Hell no. When the kids leave home, what's left of your relationship?

spotcheck · 06/04/2022 06:23

It’s probably easier just to go back to how I was. But the pandering then was enough. As he’s got older, he expects more and more, and is also more and more disrespectful and belittling

Easier? For who? At what cost to your happiness and mental health? At what cost to your CHILDREN'S happiness and mental health?

You can't make someone respect you. It's like trying to make yourself fancy someone, or make yourself be one inch taller. You just can't. And how will it be in retirement, when you are stuck with him all day long, and children won't visit because they refuse to be in such a shitty environment?

And @Bonheurdupasse
Honestly, just leave. No amount of money is worth that.

What price do you put on happiness?

Bonheurdupasse · 06/04/2022 09:34

@spotcheck

Thank you - unfortunately the main reason is not the lifestyle but not wanting to be alone. I've broken it off before and went back as missed him too much/ felt too alone.

Swipe left for the next trending thread