Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

At this age would you carry on with pregnancy?

97 replies

Uncannyie · 03/04/2022 23:55

Wanted a family my whole life. I’m nearly 35 and found out I’m pregnant after seeing a man for only a year. I never wanted to do it alone but when I met this man I had already decided if kids didn’t happen with him then I’d be pretty much at the point of ivf alone.

He’s not responded brilliantly to the news, despite having told me from day one he very much wanted kids at some point. He currently has none. His response has actually made me feel defensive in that I can’t believe I’ve been with someone who is a fully fledged grown up, yet this is his reaction, after having told me for over a year how great he thought having kids would be.

It wasn’t planned, I’m in shock and don’t know what to do. I didn’t want anything less than a healthy relationship, home and family combined. So far he’s been totally panic striken about it all and it’s making me want to run away from him and be alone. At nearly 35 I don’t want to not carry on.

OP posts:

Nelliephant1 · 04/04/2022 12:22

Of course. Enjoy your life with your baby.

fedup078 · 04/04/2022 12:23

If you were planning on doing it alone soon anyway I'd totally keep it
Congratulations x

Mykittensmittens · 04/04/2022 12:23

I was in your position. I’d come out of a horrible marriage (in which I’d also had IVF which didn’t work). I met someone. I was pregnant within 4 months. We were totally shocked - I was 36 he was 42. I lived in my tiny flat and he rented, but I bought a house once my settlement came through and DP moved in. We got married 18 months later, had another baby, and we are still together 15 years later. So things can work out!

On a practical note you suggest your job isn’t stable. Would you feel happier if you took out some income protection? Mine doesn’t cost much and I know my income is protected if anything went wrong.

I saved during my pregnancy, and on my mat leave (I got 6 months full pay) which then really diluted the cost of childcare. I also was able to buy childcare vouchers through work, which again is a significant saving. Are you in a position to start saving monthly now, ready?

Scbchl · 04/04/2022 12:23

Absolutely would carry on. My sister in law is pregnancy with her first child at 43 and she and the baby are both really healthy. 35 isn't old at all plenty of women have babies at 35. Id forget his feelings for now and do whatever you want to do.

Longcovid21 · 04/04/2022 12:24

Top tip. Unless you are rock solid with the man, don't put him on the birth certificate. If you do he will have shared parental decision making with you. He could also take the child. Keep his name off.

FrankLeeSpeaking · 04/04/2022 12:44

Personally, I would, but very obviously, it's your choice.

4thtimethecharm · 04/04/2022 13:19

Congratulations! As a fellow pregnant woman, who started trying around mid-30s, don't take a pregnancy for granted.

Just so you know, a lot of women (and their partners) have a bit of a freaking out moment after they find out that their plan to conceive actually worked. I had it, too, and so had my partner, even though we did the whole planned sex on schedule, endless testing, etc. spiel.

And it does sound like even though the idea of kids in the abstract appealed to him, the current pregnancy comes as a bit of a surprise. So your partner having to get used to the idea is not that strange. Just give him a bit more time, and reassess his response again in a month or so. For the moment I would not judge his intentions or commitment by it just yet.

canary1 · 04/04/2022 13:23

It sounds like you need to carry on with the pregnancy, if not now, when? As you are clear you want children

But wanting the relationship also is not within your control. Maybe he’s just panicked, maybe he’ll come round- or maybe he’ll leave.

All that’s within your control is what you do with your baby.

canary1 · 04/04/2022 13:24

If I were you I’d definitely be keeping the little creature, you sound like you want that already

ToiletPoster · 04/04/2022 13:31

If you were planning to be a single parent anyway, you might aswell.
It's a bit shit being the child of an uninterested parent, but I'm sure being the result of sperm donation brings its own issues that you would need to help navigate too.

Shelby2010 · 04/04/2022 13:36

I think you’ve already decided to keep the baby. So the options for your DP are 1. Try to make the relationship work, 2. Develop a co-parenting relationship or 3. Fuck off completely.

You say your DP doesn’t cope with change easily, so I would give him a bit longer to get his head around things. If you’ve decided that a termination is off the table, then there is no rush for the rest of it.

NeverChange · 04/04/2022 13:41

If you were at the point of considering IVF and doing it alone, how it this more challenging?

You are pregnant. IVF may not result in that.

Will you have regrets later if IVF doesn't work?

It's not an easy choice but all you can do is make the best choice for you.

latriciamcneal · 04/04/2022 13:44

If you want children in general do not get rid of this baby. I had a baby at 34 and seems that was my last chance. I've been with my husband 5 years this coming winter and in that time I've never become pregnant. I think it's too late now for another. Keep the baby, and just be a single parent. I was and it was fantastic. I just concentrated on my baby until I met my husband and now I have the happy family I never knew I needed.

Totalwasteofpaper · 04/04/2022 13:57

I had already decided if kids didn’t happen with him then I’d be pretty much at the point of ivf alone.

If this is true you have saved yourself the cost and trauma of ivf and got a handy top up in the form of CMS.

I'd tell him he doesnt need to have anything to do with it but you are keeping the baby qmd claiming cms. Dont put him on the birth cert and give the baby your surname.

Good luck

Dinoasaurme · 04/04/2022 13:57

Congratulations OP! 35 is not old. I had my first at 41. (Circumstances and all that).

I would give him a set length of time eg 6 weeks, and thereafter if he hasn't committed to you and the baby wholeheartedly and happily then let him go and do it alone. Tell him you are going to give him 6 weeks after which he gives you and the baby what you both need or you walk away and parent as friends. Be clear about what your needs are and then give him the breathing space to think about it.
Use the 6 weeks to get your own support network in place.

You never know OP, some man-children step up astonishingly once they see the scan and see the baby growing inside the mother. Hopefully this will be the making of him. If it's not, and you have to sadly separate then he will still have to support you financially.

Helenahandkart · 04/04/2022 14:07

Please keep it. I’m childless at 48 having started trying at 35. It’s the worst thing that has ever happened to me. You might not get another chance. IVF only has a 30% success rate at your current age. I did 12 rounds with no success at all.
Your partner may come round to the idea once he’s had time to process, or he may not. But if you want children you might not get another chance.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

twinsetandpearl · 04/04/2022 14:16

Honestly.....I'm not surprised of his reaction - he assumed you were doubly protected by using the pill and a condom. At the end of the day though you'll keep it because you wanted a baby and were happy to do it single anyway.

Catshaveiteasy · 04/04/2022 18:52

Given your age and the fact you know you want to have a family, I would advise going ahead with the pregnancy. The chances are not that low that you could find it hard to become pregnant again, and if this relationship fails, it could well be years before you are settled in another.

I went through several rounds of IVF and it was not an easy process - physically and emotionally taxing, and gets worse after repeated failures (a failure is more likely than not).

Add to that I also know how it feels to terminate an unexpected pregnancy, although I was a lot younger than you are at the time. It was not a hard decision as such, as I was reasonably sure it was the right thing to do, but it still took me a long time to get over it.

I am sorry about your partner's reaction
He could well come round but whether he does or not, in your shoes, I wouldn't throw up this chance to become a mother.

You know, you will work out the finances whatever happens. When push comes to shove there is always a way through, even though you may not be able to see it now.

BOOTS52 · 04/04/2022 19:06

Congrats to you and please keep it as you would forever regret it if you did not and then you may not be able to get pregnant again. Bringing a child up alone can be a blessing in so many ways as just yourself and your child to worry about and even though it can be tough at times at least you do not have anyone else to worry about or giving you grief and you hear so many stories on here anyway how men change and do not help out with the baby and are selfish (not all as know a few who are great) but overall they cause more stress to actually bringing up a child if they are acting like a child themselves and do not pull their weight. The love you will feel for your baby nothing compares to it and you can do this alone if you have to. Give him time to process things as it may just be a shock to him at this moment so give him some space and try not to overthink things now.

me4real · 04/04/2022 19:06

I had a partner who reacted similarly when I got pregnant unexpectedly. It was very upsetting but he came round to the idea in a couple of weeks and was really keen.

Why say he’s always wanted a family and spoken so fondly of it, to even react like this?

@Uncannyie Maybe just because he didn't expect it at this particular time. You say he doesn't get on with change anyway.

I don't feel he's the partner for you for life. But I would carry on with your pregnancy and get your LO. xx

Welshmumofobe · 04/04/2022 19:06

When I found out I was pregnant at 38 my partner was uncertain even though we’d agreed to start trying. I worked out that I could manage financially alone and that I’d go ahead anyway.

He came around to it and is a fantastic father - he does more of the childcare than I do. But even if he hadn’t, I didn’t want to give up the chance to have a baby.

Good luck to you whatever you decide.

AliceMcK · 04/04/2022 19:13

I was 35 when I met my DH and fell pregnant within 3 months. If he had not wanted the baby I would have gladly waved him goodbye. Don’t let him ruin this for you. And don’t stress about childcare, the babies not even here yet, you will manage, just like plenty of people do. Congratulations!

Flip

1 2 3 4