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Original poster

At this age would you carry on with pregnancy?

97 replies

Uncannyie · 03/04/2022 23:55

Wanted a family my whole life. I’m nearly 35 and found out I’m pregnant after seeing a man for only a year. I never wanted to do it alone but when I met this man I had already decided if kids didn’t happen with him then I’d be pretty much at the point of ivf alone.

He’s not responded brilliantly to the news, despite having told me from day one he very much wanted kids at some point. He currently has none. His response has actually made me feel defensive in that I can’t believe I’ve been with someone who is a fully fledged grown up, yet this is his reaction, after having told me for over a year how great he thought having kids would be.

It wasn’t planned, I’m in shock and don’t know what to do. I didn’t want anything less than a healthy relationship, home and family combined. So far he’s been totally panic striken about it all and it’s making me want to run away from him and be alone. At nearly 35 I don’t want to not carry on.

OP posts:
EdgeOfSeventeenAndThreeQuarter · 04/04/2022 06:16

I was 35 when I had my first. I’d waited all that time because I didn’t want to be a single mum, I wanted to do things “right”.

Divorced the twat anyway and no regrets! Grin

peanutForever · 04/04/2022 06:31

I would keep the baby 100% especially if you considered doing ivf without a partner anyway

This way no ivf for you? and how far along are you?

As a woman with recurrent miscarriages I always know there's a chance that pregnancies don't always work out even if we want them to! But I pray everyone is nice and healthy in there

Also in terms of dad is this fresh news (I.e in the last week or so?)

Do you think he may come round- everyone has a right to panic about having a child (I mean look at you now considering not wanting the baby) dad has a right to panic/feel some sort of way too but doesn't mean in a few weeks he won't change his mind or come round to the idea once he's processed

It's hard but there's never a right time to have a baby- get rid of the man child and if it's truly what you want have this baby! Good luck 💕

Tamworth123 · 04/04/2022 09:30

I would dread childcare costs and could only just afford them now, if my job went wrong then I don’t know what I would do in that regard.

If you have to go on universal credit you can work some hours and you get 85% of CC costs paid for those hours. Citizens advice are good on this.

Tamworth123 · 04/04/2022 09:33

Also he has to pay CM at about 12% of salary unless he has the child half or more of the overnights in a year.

Unless he scarpers to a country with no reciprocatal CM arrangements or dodges it some other way.

CavernousScream · 04/04/2022 09:34

Keep the baby, but it sounds like you’ll need to lose the relationship. Plenty of people meet good, supportive partners when they already have children, it’s not the end of that plan. And even if the man-child you’re currently with goes silent and walks away, he’s responsible for child support.

Tamworth123 · 04/04/2022 09:34

If he has more kids, that could reduce of course.

Since he seems quite good at making them unintentionally.

RandomMess · 04/04/2022 09:38

Keep the pregnancy ask the man to move out.

Give him space a truckload of space (pretty much go no contact) let him know that he either gets fully on board as an adult or he can get lost.

Remember with UC you can help towards childcare costs.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 04/04/2022 09:44

Yes. I'd do it alone. Your age is not the issue.

Original poster
Uncannyie · 04/04/2022 09:44

@peanutForever

I would keep the baby 100% especially if you considered doing ivf without a partner anyway

This way no ivf for you? and how far along are you?

As a woman with recurrent miscarriages I always know there's a chance that pregnancies don't always work out even if we want them to! But I pray everyone is nice and healthy in there

Also in terms of dad is this fresh news (I.e in the last week or so?)

Do you think he may come round- everyone has a right to panic about having a child (I mean look at you now considering not wanting the baby) dad has a right to panic/feel some sort of way too but doesn't mean in a few weeks he won't change his mind or come round to the idea once he's processed

It's hard but there's never a right time to have a baby- get rid of the man child and if it's truly what you want have this baby! Good luck 💕

@peanutForever I think he may come round but I am questioning his sincerity towards me now, given the reaction. Why say he’s always wanted a family and spoken so fondly of it, to even react like this? Maybe I’m being too sensitive.

He’s known since Friday. I suspected last Monday so I guess I’ve known longer really or at least had it in my head.

I am not 100% sure hes the love of my life. That worries me too. But I’ve been in a few relationships and dated so much, I don’t think I could do it again. This man, when on best form, is kind, loving, intelligent, earns well and my family like him a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Uncannyie · 04/04/2022 09:45

@Alwayswonderedwhy

Yes. I'd do it alone. Your age is not the issue.
@Alwayswonderedwhy what do you mean my age is not the issue?
OP posts:
Original poster
Uncannyie · 04/04/2022 09:46

@RandomMess I have a rental property. Does that exclude me from UC?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/04/2022 09:50

No with UC you would keep help with rent depending on income.

Isobelslider · 04/04/2022 09:54

You've only known a week. It's early days for you both to be fair to him.

It took me nine months to conceive my first child who was very much planned and wanted. Still, when I found out I was pregnant, I had a complete episode where I was debating telling my husband or going and terminating the pregnancy before anyone found out about it. I don't think it felt real for me until I had known a few weeks.

You can keep the baby. I had my second child when I was 35 so I don't see age as an issue. But you need to be realistic. Your relationship may not survive and you need to plan for/accept doing this on your own. Which will be hard at any age.

Original poster
Uncannyie · 04/04/2022 09:56

@RandomMess sorry I meant I rent a property out so would that be considered an investment?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/04/2022 09:57

Sorry I don't know, it would count as income for sure.

Look at benefits calculator such as entitled to.

RandomMess · 04/04/2022 09:58

Taking a loan out to cover childcare costs over a 10 year period could still well be cheaper than IVF tbh.

Lady089 · 04/04/2022 09:58

I think you need to look at the practical and financial side of raising your child as a lone parent, if he’s not on board now, there’s a chance he won’t be when the baby arrives. If you’re able to financially cope with raising the baby alone, then I can’t see it being too much of an issue.

BattledoreAndShuttlecock · 04/04/2022 10:03

What contraception were you using?
Not an accusation, but it affects how he might be reacting and you you should handle him. An amicable situation in which he accepts that it was a genuine accident would be best for all three of you if at all possible.

LadyEloise1 · 04/04/2022 10:06

@Uncannyie
A close friend of mine was never able to conceive again when she was trying for another baby at 33.
She already had twins, she had them when when she was 30.

It is so disappointing when you thought your partner would be as happy as you were to be pregnant. He may be still processing it.
Is your partner neurotypical ?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/04/2022 10:07

Of course it's not too old it's ideal actually. You'll never regret it. I loved bringing up DS alone.

MintJulia · 04/04/2022 10:07

Op, you are a grown woman with a career and a home of your own. You aren't a teenager, you are a resourceful woman who will cope fine.
Your dp may come round, especially if he takes time to process change. As for age, you are still young.
I found myself In much the same situation at 44. Ds is now 13, my relationship failed when ds was three but for completely unrelated reasons. Ex loves ds and sees him most weeks. Everyone is happy.
Money was tight for a few months but I coped, and remember your dp will share costs/cover.

Good luck xx

MintJulia · 04/04/2022 10:09

@RandomMess

Taking a loan out to cover childcare costs over a 10 year period could still well be cheaper than IVF tbh.
That's a really good point.
Shiteshow100 · 04/04/2022 10:18

Keep your baby but expect to do it alone.
I'm currently 30 weeks and I'm 38. So far I've had a lovely healthy pregnancy.

Desmondo2021 · 04/04/2022 10:27

I have a friend who was in your situation exactly, albeit she was about your age and the man was about 10 years older. She kept it and he ended up coming to the birth, falling head over heels in love with his child and 8 years later they are together and a solid family unit. She has handle it brilliantly. She let him have freedom and independence when he needs it and to this day they both have very strong single lives as well as being a loving family unit. She owns their house and he owns his original house which is let elsewhere. She made it no secret that she was fully willing and able to do it alone but he stepped up. I live in secret hope that one day he may propose but that's cos I'm an old romantic. I think she'd drop dead from the shock if he did! I know she certainly won't because she's mainly still flabbergasted he's around and being a fab dad at all 🤣

Bewilderbeest · 04/04/2022 10:32

I was living in a studio flat and had just got a new job when I discovered I was pregnant. I was terrified that we wouldn’t have the money to support the baby. My DP was in shock. He wasn’t at all sure but he is now the most doting father imaginable - gets up in the night without complaint, does everything he can to support us while working full time. We’ve made sacrifices but we’ve coped.

Your boyfriend may come round but even if he doesn’t, you have the most incredible little person to spend your time with. No one is ever “ready” for a baby and there is never a “good time” to have one. If you wait for all your ducks to be in a row you’ll wait forever. If you want this baby, keep it. Money may be tight but a child needs love more than anything and if you can give that, then do it. Your employer would be unbelievably stupid to get rid of you - read up on your legal rights. Employers do sometimes commit brand suicide by treating pregnant women badly but if you know your rights you can fight for what you’re entitled to. It’s more likely that they will be supportive though.