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Original poster

At this age would you carry on with pregnancy?

97 replies

Uncannyie · 03/04/2022 23:55

Wanted a family my whole life. I’m nearly 35 and found out I’m pregnant after seeing a man for only a year. I never wanted to do it alone but when I met this man I had already decided if kids didn’t happen with him then I’d be pretty much at the point of ivf alone.

He’s not responded brilliantly to the news, despite having told me from day one he very much wanted kids at some point. He currently has none. His response has actually made me feel defensive in that I can’t believe I’ve been with someone who is a fully fledged grown up, yet this is his reaction, after having told me for over a year how great he thought having kids would be.

It wasn’t planned, I’m in shock and don’t know what to do. I didn’t want anything less than a healthy relationship, home and family combined. So far he’s been totally panic striken about it all and it’s making me want to run away from him and be alone. At nearly 35 I don’t want to not carry on.

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 04/04/2022 10:38

point of ivf alone
Did you mean artificial insemination be donor? IVF is not the same as AID

Ansjovis · 04/04/2022 10:41

I would keep it but bear in mind that if he wants this he can go to the courts to establish paternity, get parental responsibility and prevent you from doing certain things without his approval. Courts are also more inclined to equality in access arrangements these days so you may find he gets 50/50 if he wants it.

I mean he could just as easily disappear and never be seen again but it's worth thinking about all potential outcomes.

GodspeedJune · 04/04/2022 10:47

I had to have IVF to become pregnant. It was absolutely gruelling both physically and mentally. If you want a baby and are now pregnant, please don’t put yourself through a termination only to go through IVF instead.

Plan to be a single parent and if he becomes more involved that’s a bonus.

Gonnagetgoing · 04/04/2022 10:53

If I were you (which was 15 years ago) I’d keep the baby.

Do you have family support? What’s your job situation like?

I recall being in my 30s and was with a man (didn’t work out was platonic friend before) and wanting to be pregnant but didn’t want to be a single mum (because my mum was one and it was tough for her) but my job situation wasn’t stable then and I’d have had to rented rooms out so I’d cope.

CaMePlaitPas · 04/04/2022 10:53

It's a shock; I cried for a week after finding out about baby number 3. Sometimes it takes time but at 35 you know what you want and if that's a baby then you carry on. It'll be tough (either way, single or coupled up) but you'll find a way to manage and before long the baby will be a child who loves you even on your worst days. My oldest is nearly 5 and I can't believe where the time has gone.

Original poster
Uncannyie · 04/04/2022 10:55

@BattledoreAndShuttlecock

What contraception were you using? Not an accusation, but it affects how he might be reacting and you you should handle him. An amicable situation in which he accepts that it was a genuine accident would be best for all three of you if at all possible.
@BattledoreAndShuttlecock well I was on the pill but have had an ongoing bowl related issue over the last few months which he is aware of. My cycles had been a bit odd ever since, such as id usually bleed on the first day of the withdrawal week but that altered slightly. This is looking back really, not really noticed at the time. The doctor said I could well have not been absorbing the pill over a number of weeks.

We also used a condom and actually checked it afterwards which is why it is so strange. I did wonder if he thought something was going on as he said did you put the condom in the bin straight after, to which I said yes. Maybe he was suggesting something else?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Uncannyie · 04/04/2022 10:58

@GodspeedJune

I had to have IVF to become pregnant. It was absolutely gruelling both physically and mentally. If you want a baby and are now pregnant, please don’t put yourself through a termination only to go through IVF instead.

Plan to be a single parent and if he becomes more involved that’s a bonus.

@GodspeedJune thanks for that insight. I don’t actually know anyone who has done it. I was desperate a couple of years ago and very very deeply unhappy that I was so lonely, not just without a relationship but without any meaning to my life, it seemed…I went to work and everyday I just thought for what? I don’t want a new handbag or mascara or a night out. It was an awful time and I decided there and then that I would have ivf if I didn’t meet anyone. I’m glad you had your happy ending 💕
OP posts:
CaMePlaitPas · 04/04/2022 10:58

Did you ask him what he was suggesting there OP?

PeterPomegranate · 04/04/2022 10:59

It sounds like you have doubts and worries? But you don’t sound like you want an abortion?

Many babies are born into less than ideal circumstances. If you want to have a child then you can make this work with or without your boyfriend.

Good luck and congratulations xx

Original poster
Uncannyie · 04/04/2022 11:00

@Bewilderbeest

I was living in a studio flat and had just got a new job when I discovered I was pregnant. I was terrified that we wouldn’t have the money to support the baby. My DP was in shock. He wasn’t at all sure but he is now the most doting father imaginable - gets up in the night without complaint, does everything he can to support us while working full time. We’ve made sacrifices but we’ve coped.

Your boyfriend may come round but even if he doesn’t, you have the most incredible little person to spend your time with. No one is ever “ready” for a baby and there is never a “good time” to have one. If you wait for all your ducks to be in a row you’ll wait forever. If you want this baby, keep it. Money may be tight but a child needs love more than anything and if you can give that, then do it. Your employer would be unbelievably stupid to get rid of you - read up on your legal rights. Employers do sometimes commit brand suicide by treating pregnant women badly but if you know your rights you can fight for what you’re entitled to. It’s more likely that they will be supportive though.

@Bewilderbeest thanks, may i ask if you lived with your DP at the time? We were using condoms so I am perplexed by how this happened.

Do you think I should tell my employer sooner rather than later? I’ve had to take the odd day off as the sickness was so bad but they don’t know why, they just think I’ve been off randomly. I’m so worried. If I knew my job was secure I would feel a HUNDRED times better about all this as I earn over 60k which is enough.

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 04/04/2022 11:00

You know in your heart of hearts that you want this baby. Go for it and congratulations!!

Gonnagetgoing · 04/04/2022 11:01

To be fair to your partner he’s moved in with you before being together a year which is quite quick and now you’re pregnant so it’s a lot for most men to get their heads around. He’s also only known since Friday which is nothing!

I recall one of my DM’s close friends and a colleague getting pregnant in her early 30s which was planned but then her partner didn’t want the baby, or didn’t want to be a father. They didn’t live together but she’d bought a flat and had a good job in education. Her parents and family lived a long way away and it wasn’t worth her moving there. She coped bringing up her daughter as a single mum and I recall going to my mum’s house and seeing her there and she met up with me a few times - this was when I was in a serious relationship, thinking of buying my own place and 28. I think seeing her with a young baby as a single mum cemented things in my mind that I didn’t want that at all for me.

Andacherryonthetop · 04/04/2022 11:11

I got unexpectedly pregnant on the pill and my oh took ages to get his head round it- pretty much the whole pregnancy! He’s an amazing dad now. Give him some time and he might get used to it- it’s a lot to process. Either way you should definitely keep the baby though. This is a baby you really want, like others have said- if you didn’t go through with it and then you couldn’t conceive again that would be so hard to cope with

D0lphine · 04/04/2022 11:25

Congratulations!

It's simple: if you want the baby then keep it. Sounds like you're in a decent financial position. Certainly better than lots of other people.

Plan on being a single parent and if your partner comes around then that's great!

Alwayswonderedwhy · 04/04/2022 11:39

@Uncannyiewhat do you mean my age is not the issue?

Sorry I thought it was obvious, I'm just agreeing with a lot of the other posters that your partner is the issue. Good luck Flowers

kiki22 · 04/04/2022 11:44

Give him sometime to get his head round it. Expecting anyone to be excited straight away about an unplanned pregnancy is so unrealistic even people who are trying have wobbles when the possitive comes. I find the idea men are supposed to push their feelings aside ridiculous he's allowed to be in shock and uncertain. Give him some time to let it sink in a couple of weeks and ressess then.

HardyBuckette · 04/04/2022 11:48

I would not terminate a wanted pregnancy because the father with whom I was in a fairly new relationship changed his mind, no. If you didn't think you wanted to be or could cope as a single parent that's a different thing, but it sounds like you're ok with that.

MatildaTheCat · 04/04/2022 11:52

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I have met a very large number of people with unexpected pregnancies over my personal and professional life and his reaction isn’t uncommon. It’s also not necessarily a reflection of how he will respond in the longer term.

Equally a lot of men are super enthusiastic and then turn out to be deadbeats (very much represented on mumsnet on a depressingly regular basis).

I would suggest you tell him you understand he is shocked and needs time to process this news. Perhaps agree a period of time to let him digest the news and decide if he wants to be an involved Dad and remain in the relationship. If you are keeping the baby be clear about this: he is not deciding if he wants you to terminate. Agree to talk after that time and move forward.

It will be a tough few days for you but it’s fair to give him breathing space. Honestly some of the best Dads I know were overwhelmed by unplanned babies initially.

MsVestibule · 04/04/2022 11:52

I was in an identical situation to you, apart from we weren't living together. To say the father of my child reacted unfavourably to the news is a bit of an understatement. As the weeks went on (we didn't talk about it much) he came round to the idea and 16 years later, we're very happily married with 2 DCs.

However, I was fully prepared to go it alone. I knew I was in last chance saloon and the thought now of not having my beautiful, intelligent, loving 15yo DD is unbearable. So he might come round and you have the full partner/child package, or he might not, in which case you still have your longed for child.

mistermagpie · 04/04/2022 11:58

Your age isn't the problem, I've had three children after the age of 35. Your partner is a problem though and I think you need to be prepared to go it alone.

I wouldn't terminate a wanted pregnancy and then plan to go through IVF.

BattledoreAndShuttlecock · 04/04/2022 12:09

He didn't change his mind TBF. He used a condom and specifically checked it had no visible failure after use.

Bewilderbeest · 04/04/2022 12:11

No, we both had our own separate flats but had made concrete plans to move in together.

I would definitely tell my employer if I were you, because they’d be insane to make you redundant if they know you’re pregnant. I know a lot of people wait until 12 weeks but in your situation I would tell my boss. No need to tell everyone at work if you don’t want to but you need the protection. They can’t use pregnancy-related absence against you and you have to be allowed time off for midwife appointments. They also have to make “reasonable adjustments” to accommodate any difficulties you’re having e.g. back pain or problems standing for long periods. They are also obliged to do a risk assessment. Hope that helps!

CharSiu · 04/04/2022 12:13

As someone past menopause and having seen all my friends fertility and relationship issues over the years, if you really want a child then go ahead though you may have to do it solo.

Longcovid21 · 04/04/2022 12:14

Yes but plan to single parent. It will be tough but you may not get another chance.
Do you have a decent job? If so keep it.

Longcovid21 · 04/04/2022 12:19

If you got pregnant despite 2 methods of contraception the little soul really wants to be here. Job sounds great. I manage on 60k fine as a single parent