Dating again as a single mum

AHungryCaterpillar · 2022-04-03T21:05:36+00:00

Does anyone who is a single mum actually rely on (paid for) babysitters to date? I have been single 5 years and would like to meet someone but have my children 24/7 as their father is not involved (this is his choice) So it just hasn’t been possible, it’s always suggested to me to use babysitters but does anyone actually do that? I really can’t see how it would be affordable to pay for a babysitter weekly? To actually be able to date. Does anyone do this? Or am I right in thinking it’s just not possible?

Bcs174 · 03/04/2022 22:48

It’s not going to be simple doing that I don’t think and will see up cost wise. Are there no other mums you could perhaps take it in turns with and do each other favours?

Bcs174 · 03/04/2022 22:48

Add up

Original poster

AHungryCaterpillar · 03/04/2022 23:04

That’s what I thought, babysitters aren’t exactly cheap and you would need to use one at least once a week otherwise how would you date unless it was something casual like a fwb (not something I’m looking for) no no one else to have them, I know a couple of single mums but their exes are involved so they have the weekends free anyway.

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theschitt · 04/04/2022 00:33

Yeah, it's tough.
I think it's great for those with shared custody or family near-by, but if you don't you're screwed (or not!) unless you only have one child - and can arrange swapping sleepovers with a friend and their child, or you have to wait until your children are old enough to be left in the evening.
I'm sure some dead-beat Dad deliberately have no contact with their children so they have this control that the Mum can't date for a very long time.
My suggestion is to try and work in a male rich environment and meet someone at work, then at least you can have flirty lunches together!

Knutface · 04/04/2022 06:14

When children are at school you can arrange dates too. I have previously dated men that don’t do a 9-5 but do shifts and they usually end up having a couple of non-weekend days free in the week (jobs like prison officers or those that work in hospitality).

Fireflygal · 04/04/2022 06:19

How old are the children?

KELLOGSspeck · 04/04/2022 06:23

I haven't ever done that but I would consider it if it was my last option. I think dating is still important despite you being a mum.

There's a website called childcare.co.uk with babysitters and Childminders on their. It's great I used it for a shirt time whilst I worked nights. There's a lot of students and young people who would be happy to do the odd night of babysitting for you.

What about friends though? Could they watch your children once they have gone to bed around 8pm? Then you could offer the same next time.

ScootScot · 04/04/2022 06:24

It's soooo hard. My DD (now a teen) has complex needs and I needed a specialist - very expensive sitter - whenever I wanted out. I just couldn't justify the money. My friends offered to watch her once but that was a one-off as they said they didn't feel they could manage more often. This is why I have been single for the best part of fifteen years!

MintJulia · 04/04/2022 06:29

It's incredibly difficult. I tried for a while but it was expensive and I couldn't find anyone reliable. I gave up until now. I'm just considering maybe trying again. Ds is nearly 14.

MissPattyGilmore · 04/04/2022 06:42

Don’t give up on dating.

Some things will depend on the ages of your children but ideas are

Do try and find local teenagers, (Local FB if you don’t know any) as they will be cheaper and if kids are already in bed they don’t need much supervision
Do try daytime dates while kids at school… as PP said, many people either work shifts or from home these days, which is more flexible. So a lunchtime coffee date or daytime walk might be possible, perfect for first few dates anyway
arrange sleepovers with family /kids friends (harder to coordinate with multiple friends but still doable)
don’t be afraid to ask married friends for favours. Many people are happy to help and some actually enjoy an evening without their partners, chilling on someone else’s sofa with charge of the remote control and no guilt about not doing their own chores!

There is always a way…

CrumpetStrumpet · 04/04/2022 06:46

I occasionally use a fab sitter I found on childcare.co.uk. I'm a lone parent as well.

However I use her more if I want to go to a hairdressing appointment etc. and my parents can't have DC. Tbh I wouldn't consider if to go on a date. It's too expensive and I'm yet to find a man who I'd consider worth the money

How old are your DC? Could you not meet during day while they're at nursery/school? On the rare occasions I have gone on dates I always arrange to meet for lunch etc. I make it clear nights are off limits for me. It's good in a way. It means men have last chance to just try and lure you out to sit in a bar (I don't drink much around men I don't know well. One drink maximum)

Ivegotalovelybunch · 04/04/2022 06:50

Try coffees, lunches, walk around the local park in your lunch time type dates?

seensome · 04/04/2022 07:54

I wouldn't pay a babysitter for dating, I think you'll soon regret spending the money to meet dead end dates, sorry to sound negative but mosts dates don't end up going anywhere. Wait until you have child free time, when they are in school or ask someone you know to babysit for free.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/04/2022 09:07

Totally possible
Have profile be very honest abiut where you are at
Eliminates time wasters
You get less likes , but better

Have initial chats on video to test chemistry
Have short walks , quick drinks and coffee for first dates
Never have a dinner and pay babysitter until you are sure you fancy them

Don’t even invest in an evening date until you sure you fancy them and vice versa

The world is full of men who either want casual ! Or who also have their own kids to navigate around

Also If a man isn’t prepared to work around this issue
Not worth it anyway

Original poster

AHungryCaterpillar · 04/04/2022 11:13

I meant is it possible cost wise? To pay babysitters for weekly dates as surely you would need to keep up with that for 6m to a year? Before introducing? Wouldn’t that be very expensive. Children are 11 down to 4. Are there really that many men available for day time dates only? I imagine that would drastically cut the amount of men down. Surely there is only so long you can keep that up? Most will want to spend an evening etc with you... not looking for casual been there done that and didn’t like it.

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Original poster

AHungryCaterpillar · 04/04/2022 11:15

Oh and I should add no I don’t have anyone to have them I have 4 so as you can imagine people aren’t exactly biting my hand off to babysit them 😬

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KELLOGSspeck · 04/04/2022 11:28

I can see what people are saying about costs. But I don't think many will be available during school hours. It's difficult. Rushing between school hours isn't the same as going on an evening date either.

I guess you could try do the school hours dates then pay a baby sitter if you thought the mans serious.

Original poster

AHungryCaterpillar · 04/04/2022 11:33

From what I’ve seen babysitters charging I’ve seen £15 an hour so a few hours in the evening every week would soon add up a month, wouldn’t the cost be unaffordable to most single mums? And Yes definitely think very few men will be available during school hours

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Backonthedatingtrain22 · 04/04/2022 11:55

You seem to be dismissing every helpful suggestion with reasons why it wouldn't work out.

You can date when the kids are at school and any man who is serious with you will be willing to help you make it work somehow . A lot of men can be actually understanding especially if they are a parent as well. Sign up and take it slowly.

Good luck and there are definitely good men out there

Original poster

AHungryCaterpillar · 04/04/2022 11:59

I’m not dismissing I think people are
Missing what I’m asking; I’m not asking if it is physically possible of course it is if you have loads of money! I’m asking if it’s realistically possible and if anyone actually dates in that way? How many men are
Going to be happy with day time dates and never staying over/you staying over, I’m asking if realistically it can work that way not if it’s physically possible which like I said of course it is if you have loads of money to pay for regular babysitters but I can’t imagine many single mums do so I wondered if anyone has direct experience of dating this way.

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Original poster

AHungryCaterpillar · 04/04/2022 12:01

No one has actually said they have dated in this way either which is what I’m asking, of course people will say yes you can just get babysitters without understanding that most can’t afford regular babysitters and given that most people on MN don’t think a man should be introduced to your children till you’ve been dating at least 6m- 1 year can anyone actually afford that cost long term.

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ImFree2doasiwant · 04/04/2022 12:03

Im not interested in dating at the omens, but like you OP I just can't see how I'd do it even if I was. My DC go to their dad's one day a week. A very occasional (like every 3 months) sleepover there. I'm desperate for time alone so can't imagine giving that one day up to meet someone. Equally, I can't imagine bringing someone to my house while the DC are here. Destined to be single for years I think. I can't afford to pay £30-£50 fir a baby sitter.

Original poster

AHungryCaterpillar · 04/04/2022 12:07

@ImFree2doasiwant

Im not interested in dating at the omens, but like you OP I just can't see how I'd do it even if I was. My DC go to their dad's one day a week. A very occasional (like every 3 months) sleepover there. I'm desperate for time alone so can't imagine giving that one day up to meet someone. Equally, I can't imagine bringing someone to my house while the DC are here. Destined to be single for years I think. I can't afford to pay £30-£50 fir a baby sitter.

Thank you exactly that’s what I’m asking, £50 a week for a baby sitter, there’s only so long you could keep up day time dates, maybe the first couple of meetings but how many men will want to do that long term? You couldn’t date someone for 6 months only ever meeting for coffee or a walk, so would need to pay baby sitters for at least 6 months at the cost of £50 a time, at least weekly. That’s unless you are willing to bring someone around your children very early or have them stay over after a Month or so which doesn’t seem very wise.

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Backonthedatingtrain22 · 04/04/2022 12:24

@AHungryCaterpillar

No one has actually said they have dated in this way either which is what I’m asking, of course people will say yes you can just get babysitters without understanding that most can’t afford regular babysitters and given that most people on MN don’t think a man should be introduced to your children till you’ve been dating at least 6m- 1 year can anyone actually afford that cost long term.

I have dated like you are describing and there were other reasons it didn't work out. The guy worked half day sometimes so we could meet up for dates . So it's not impossible, just a bit difficult and challenging . You would be surprised how many men make time for who they want in their life

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/04/2022 12:34

I pay a babysitter to see my fellow
But we hang (shag!) at his or go for walks etc

So what I spend on a babysitter I save in expensive meals out

I can afford a babysitter however
I have one that’s £10 per hour and a teen that’s £7

I posted on local Facebook page

Look you can’t make an omelet without breaking any eggs
You have kids and childcare is part of that

But don’t quite before you’ve started