Page 3 | Dating again as a single mum

AHungryCaterpillar · 2022-04-03T21:05:36+00:00

Does anyone who is a single mum actually rely on (paid for) babysitters to date? I have been single 5 years and would like to meet someone but have my children 24/7 as their father is not involved (this is his choice) So it just hasn’t been possible, it’s always suggested to me to use babysitters but does anyone actually do that? I really can’t see how it would be affordable to pay for a babysitter weekly? To actually be able to date. Does anyone do this? Or am I right in thinking it’s just not possible?

GiraffesInScarfs · 06/04/2022 11:54

I have no desire to date but have two children and have been a lone parent since they were babies. Also no family around to help out. I have childcare for an evening every week or two, sometimes more frequently depending on plans, so that I can go out for dinner with friends etc. It just has to be factored into the cost of an evening out. Everything is more expensive as a single parent: one person paying mortgage/ rent, bills, holidays more expensive etc. That's just life sadly and has to be part of your budget.

Please ignore the PPs who were suggesting inviting men you've only known for a few months into your home or to meet your kids, that's so inappropriate and risky. It's a terrible idea even if by blind luck it has not been disasterous for some posters. There are ways to do dating responsibly as a single parent, if it is a priority for you.

stealthninjamum · 06/04/2022 12:09

Op, I did it. I’m lucky that I could afford a babysitter, but I also found quite a lot of men were happy to meet in the day. I dated a heating engineer, self employed IT consultant, hotel manager and all were available to have lunch. My partner (been together now for three years) also used to take days off work annual leave to spend time with me.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/04/2022 12:23

Please ignore the PPs who were suggesting inviting men you've only known for a few months into your home or to meet your kids, that's so inappropriate and risky.

I take umbrage at that
Now to be clear I’ve never invited someone in

However some women do possess intelligence and judgement . What’s the harm in having someone you know and trust in the house when small kids are asleep?

When is appropriate? If someone is decent you know when you know

Must we assume no one possesses common sense and wisdom about this issue

GiraffesInScarfs · 06/04/2022 16:08

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Please ignore the PPs who were suggesting inviting men you've only known for a few months into your home or to meet your kids, that's so inappropriate and risky.

I take umbrage at that
Now to be clear I’ve never invited someone in

However some women do possess intelligence and judgement . What’s the harm in having someone you know and trust in the house when small kids are asleep?

When is appropriate? If someone is decent you know when you know

Must we assume no one possesses common sense and wisdom about this issue

You can't possibly know somebody well enough to know if they are a risk when you've known them a matter of weeks.

whatisthisinhere · 06/04/2022 16:59

I have five, their father is rubbish, I've dated in the past, while children were all at school. Now I have older teens, they can babysit the younger one together, but not for more than a coup,d of hours. I'm not actually dating anyone at the moment, but I am chatting on line.
I only want to date when I miss sex. Good company I get from friends.
So yes, day time dates, illicit sex, fun. But not serious relationships

Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/04/2022 17:23

GiraffesInScarfs

Matter of weeks no
But she said ‘a few months’

I agin reiterate I haven't done this

But if a woman knows a man for a while , starts dating and decided to get serious and have him over …. I wouldn’t judge if she was sensible and had risk assessed

Wondergirl100 · 06/04/2022 17:31

Hi OP. the other day I had a friends kid over for a sleepover so she could have a date night - she is just starting dating as a single parent.

It is realistically much much harder with 4 - but you have an 11 year old - at some point they will be able to look after the others - maybe by 13/ 14? And - it doesn't ahve to be a whole evening - presumably at some point you could leave the 4 of them for an hour or two on a saturday afternoon?

I think you have to be realistic here - 4 children mkes it very difficult.

My advice would be to be open in your local whatsapp/ class groups and ask if any parents would do babysitting swaps - maybe if they are in a couple they could babysit at your house with yours and in turn you could have theirs at yours?

willowbough · 06/04/2022 18:54

@Thisisworsethananticpated

GiraffesInScarfs

Matter of weeks no
But she said ‘a few months’

I agin reiterate I haven't done this

But if a woman knows a man for a while , starts dating and decided to get serious and have him over …. I wouldn’t judge if she was sensible and had risk assessed

I agree with this.

GiraffesInScarfs · 06/04/2022 22:21

@Thisisworsethananticpated

GiraffesInScarfs

Matter of weeks no
But she said ‘a few months’

I agin reiterate I haven't done this

But if a woman knows a man for a while , starts dating and decided to get serious and have him over …. I wouldn’t judge if she was sensible and had risk assessed

A few months is a matter of weeks. 12-16 weeks perhaps. If you think anybody can know somebody well enough to have them in their children's home in that time, I think your idea of "risk assessment" and "common sense" is very different to mine.

I'm not sure who you are referring to as "she": my post was not about any specific poster, several PPs had made comments on this and I was simply stating to the OP that in my opinion it is a bad idea and an unnecessary risk when there are other, safe ways to go about this.

Original poster

AHungryCaterpillar · 07/04/2022 00:53

Thanks all I definitely agree about not inviting men here whilst my children are here, no I wouldn’t do that and I agree it’s not safe.
I’ve heard way too many horror stories.

My oldest has autism so I think it will be a while before she could be able to look after the other children, I would have to wait till the younger one down was old enough 😬 which is still a good few years away, it’s very difficult when they don’t go anywhere. I will have to try to do the day dates thing as it’s really the only option, I don’t know the parents at the school enough to ask for babysitting swaps. Whilst I’m not looking for casual I am only 33 and I am not willing to give up my sex life for another 5 years 😳 it’s already been 5 years and I think that’s long enough! I’m also concerned with men coming over late at night when the kids are in bed then leaving what in the middle of the night? Before morning Would Attract the wrong kind of men who see me as a fuck buddy.

OP posts:

GiraffesInScarfs · 07/04/2022 01:36

Yeah absolutely. It's hard OP, I totally get what you're saying. You definitely do not want to be inviting people you've only met a few times to your house because even if they are not a risk, it gives totally the wrong impression about what you are looking for, based on what you've said.

Hard as it is, if you want to date then this needs to be a combination of daytime dates and evenings where you pay the childcare costs. It totally sucks that as a single parent everything costs more. Frankly single parents should get double the tax-free allowance etc, start paying 20% tax at twice the level of earnings, pay 50% council tax not 75%. But nobody seems to be taking up our cause.

I hope you find to make it work and you sound like a very loving mum and responsible parent.

It's hard. It sucks. But they will be so proud of you when they are old enough to understand the sacrifices you have made and what you've done to protect them when their father has done next to nothing by the sound of it.

Original poster

AHungryCaterpillar · 07/04/2022 10:39

Thank you, I really do hope so. Meanwhile my ex gets to live a care free life doing whatever he likes, pretending his children don’t exist. Even when he was around and did see them he would only ever come to my house to see them so I couldn’t date anyway!

OP posts:

merrilysang · 07/04/2022 10:47

It must be hard for you with four children and the ex not involved. I hope you manage to arrange something for the daytime.

GiraffesInScarfs · 07/04/2022 13:44

@AHungryCaterpillar

Thank you, I really do hope so. Meanwhile my ex gets to live a care free life doing whatever he likes, pretending his children don’t exist. Even when he was around and did see them he would only ever come to my house to see them so I couldn’t date anyway!

Same here, he only ever had contact at my house and now has none! Both of mine are autistic as well. Super-hard situation. Sorry I can't be more useful! My eldest is only 5 so it will be loooooong time before they can be left alone.

ErmIDontKnow · 07/04/2022 14:18

I'm a single mum with zero family support and they all live far away.

I've been very lucky in the fact that the men I date dont work a usual 9-5 jobs.

One works in shift work so is free 3 days during the week. One is self employed so is free during the day too and the other works from home so he finishes his work early most days.

I point blank refuse to pay my babysitter for me to go on dates. I use my babysitter for proper nights out ( although shes going to university in September so I'm going to be stuck after that )

I spend £50 ish to my babysitter and leave her £10 for a takeaway, pay her uber home. Plus my own taxi fares. Theres no way if be spending that sort of money weekly to just see a man

Daytime dating is the way to go If both your jobs allow it

Original poster

AHungryCaterpillar · 07/04/2022 15:33

GiraffesInScarfs thank you at least it isn’t just me in this situation.

Wow that is a lot! ErmIDontKnow yes these days I’ve heard babysitters get take aways, taxis paid for etc m, it’s not cheap like it use to be! It’s certainly not affordable as a regular thing, especially when you add on the cost of the actual date as well! I wrongly assumed most men wouldn’t be available during the day, I suppose it must cut the amount down a lot but not completely

OP posts:

GiraffesInScarfs · 07/04/2022 21:53

@AHungryCaterpillar

GiraffesInScarfs thank you at least it isn’t just me in this situation.

Wow that is a lot! ErmIDontKnow yes these days I’ve heard babysitters get take aways, taxis paid for etc m, it’s not cheap like it use to be! It’s certainly not affordable as a regular thing, especially when you add on the cost of the actual date as well! I wrongly assumed most men wouldn’t be available during the day, I suppose it must cut the amount down a lot but not completely

So many people WFH now that I hope you'll be pleasantly surprised!