Sister with two kids. Split from partner. Plans to start dating his friend :(

[Arsenal123]

My sister has just dropped the news that she has ended her relationship with her partner of 8 years. She says it's because he has been degrading and verbally abusive to her for years. I cannot comment on this. I know he can be abrasive and cold. I know she was upset when he didn't get her a Mother's Day card from the kids and various other omissions. I don't know what to make of this and feel real bad for the kids and their dad. I feel so shocked and down about it. Even embarrassed.

She has met up with his friend at some point in the last month and apparently plans to start a relationship with him. I could have accepted the situation had she broken up with her partner after trying to make it work and then met someone after getting herself together. It just seems so underhand. She has battled with mental health issues through the years including a Christmas Day suicide attempt before she had the kids. Her partner is from what I'd describe as a broken home (his mum entering into a brief relationship with her father-in-law after her husband left).

I can't stop thinking of the mess this is likely to have created and the on-going hurt it will cause. I feel so helpless. Has anyone been through similar?

What do you mean you could have accepted it? It’s not your place to accept it, you’re not in charge of her, you don’t get a say nor to be judgmental about her life.

I'm sorry.. your sister has told you she has left an abusive relationship and you feel embarrassed!? And sorry for him?!

Tbh, it's not really anything to do with you.
It matters not how you feel about it.
It's not your place to make.anything of it.
If you can't comment on his poor treatment of her (meaning that you don't believe her), then you have no place commenting the rest of it.
It doesn't matter what you could accept.
It doesn't matter what it seems to be to you..

Find something else to occupy your mind and then you will be able to stop thinking about setting that is, literally, fuck all to do with you.

So your sister is telling you her husband abused and degraded her and you’re embarrassed and feel for the husband? This is your sister you either stick by her or walk away. Honestly what a load of nonsense. Maybe the new relationship is too soon but she’s clearly having a tough time and this is the support she’s getting. Glad I’m not your sister.

'Broken Home'? - how judgy. I hope your sister finds the support she needs since leaving an abusive relationship.

It is your responsibility to manage your feelings. Not hers or anyone else's.

Your sister was being abused and she's left the marriage and you're judging her? The way you write is as though he's your brother and she's your SIL. Why do you feel you owe an abusive man such loyalty?

Why do you feel you owe an abusive man such loyalty?

Misogyny runs deep in some women.

Good on your sister for splitting with an abusive man,

I agree that leaving is indeed the right thing to do but starting a relationship with his best friend before fully ending it with him.

I will stand by her it's the pure shock of the situation. I knew he could be cold but never knew the extent. I wonder how this will affect the children.

Forgive the judgemental sound of the above. I haven't had time to think this through and have blurted out my initial thoughts after speaking to my mum only. This has bowled me over.

She’s told you he’s abusive and you are judging her? And not believing her? That’s your sister. Sometimes it’s wiser to keep your mouth closed and be supportive before she goes vlc with you too

Find something else to occupy your mind and then you will be able to stop thinking about setting that is, literally, fuck all to do with you

Harsh words
It’s her sister , she loves her and presumably has dealt with her issues in the past and is worried

Op it’s good she’s split if he’s abusive
I can Imagine the new relationship probably won’t have legs but it might solidify the split

Ce sera , sera
Look after yourself and step back if you need to

Starting a relationship with his friend does sound incredibly wrong and underhanded she should be focusing on herself and her children not stirring Jeremy Kyle level drama

It's still none of your business and nothing to do with you.

You sound mean

Honestly I don't know the whole story. My mum could have been biased in what she told me. I just can't stop thinking of the kids. I am 100% against abuse and would help anyone to escape it. I can't condone the best friend thing though.

Harsh words

I think the judgement she leveled at her sister (who she loves), and is now asking for forgiveness for, we're harsher, tbh.

Were. Not we're - autocorrect has shit grammar.

@Arsenal123

Honestly I don't know the whole story. My mum could have been biased in what she told me. I just can't stop thinking of the kids. I am 100% against abuse and would help anyone to escape it. I can't condone the best friend thing though.

You don't have to condone it though.

You live your life and let her live hers.

As you, quite rightly acknowledge yourself, you don't know the whole story.

And you are judging her.

Your sister says she has been abused and degraded in her relationship and you think she should have stayed and tried to work it out?

Why? Why do you think she should value herself so little that she should accept being the victim of abuse? Why do you value her so little?

It's not her job to 'fix' her partner and, unwise as the new relationship may be, that's her business.

Nor does she have to endure being mistreated in silence for the sake of the children or to save your blushes.

Leaving an abusive relationship, good, and you should wish it had happened a lot earlier.

However, then forming one with the abuser's friend seems just wrong. Not least of which that if he was aware (unlikely but possible), he should have ended the friendship with the abuser a long time ago.

To be clear:

I have spoken to neither my sister or her now ex-partner. I don't plan to give any advice or get involved. However I will likely have to have some relationship with them as I help with the kids.

I am trying to get objective advice as I am struggling to be objective initially as you have pointed out. But have you never failed to be impartial when in shock? I know this might be wrong: But why not just split? Why jump straight into another relationship with someone who could potentially be just as bad? I don't want my nieces to suffer. Indeed living amongst an abusive relationship is certainly not what I would want for them either.

@Arsenal123 he probably makes her feel like she matters - unlike her abusive partner.

No it's not a great idea to jump straight into another relationship, especially with his friend, but she probably just wants someone who'll appreciate her and not drag her down.

Jesus, that OP sounds like judgemental bingo!

1. she is leaving an abusive partner and you are taking pity on her partner?

2. you are embarrassed she is splitting. Embarrassed, really??? Of what? Of growing a spine to leave a man that makes her unhappy?

3. you are judging her for this decision on the basis that she had mental health issues years ago?

4. it is not a good idea to enter into relationship just after a break up but you are judging the prospective boyfriend because he comes from a ‘broken home’? For info, 50% of marriages end, some for very good reasons, children thrive in happy settings with parents living separately much better than they do in toxic environments where they spend their lives seeing abuse.

I suggest you keep your mouth shut to avoid making her life worse with such judgemental views.

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