Sister with two kids. Split from partner. Plans to start dating his friend :(

[Arsenal123]

My sister has just dropped the news that she has ended her relationship with her partner of 8 years. She says it's because he has been degrading and verbally abusive to her for years. I cannot comment on this. I know he can be abrasive and cold. I know she was upset when he didn't get her a Mother's Day card from the kids and various other omissions. I don't know what to make of this and feel real bad for the kids and their dad. I feel so shocked and down about it. Even embarrassed.

She has met up with his friend at some point in the last month and apparently plans to start a relationship with him. I could have accepted the situation had she broken up with her partner after trying to make it work and then met someone after getting herself together. It just seems so underhand. She has battled with mental health issues through the years including a Christmas Day suicide attempt before she had the kids. Her partner is from what I'd describe as a broken home (his mum entering into a brief relationship with her father-in-law after her husband left).

I can't stop thinking of the mess this is likely to have created and the on-going hurt it will cause. I feel so helpless. Has anyone been through similar?

I seem not to have articulated myself very well here:

"You've been suffering mentally in your relationship after trying to make it work for years? Pack a bag, I'll pull up outside in 10 mins. You'll never go back if I have anything to do with it."

"You need somewhere for you and the kids to stay while you get back on your feet? Mum and I have a spare room. Utilise both."

Despite what I put above as an initial stream of consciousness this is my stance. I'd just like to reiterate that I do not know the whole situation and accept that I could be ill informed. Given what I've been told: leaving = good! Initiating new relationship with friend = live independently first and sort out the logistics of the split.

Sounds like you and your mum have had a nice disapproving bitch about your sister that (pearl clutch) her life hasn't worked out exactly as well as yours both have. Maybe have some loyalty and compassion towards her as your initial reactions instead of judgement and superiority. You never know when your life might take an unexpected turn

The critical comments are helpful.

But they do not address the issue of starting a relationship with the best friend before fully ending it with partner?

For instance: Is it wrong for me say I don't want this guy around my house when you are staying with me? Or that I am not happy to have the kids while you go on a night out with him or are recovering the next day?

The latter I may have already done ... not sure.

Maybe this will change in future if he makes her happy.

Your job is to be her sister and support her. Not your place to judge or be embarrassed just be her sister.

I am just trying to reconcile my initial thoughts and feelings rather than influence anything. Like many of the repliers I have made judgements and perhaps posted unthinkingly and with a poor choices of words. As humans we do this when in shock. I'll always stand by my family and provide them with support if they need it.

Id just stay out of it. The friend is not a real friend of the ex if he's happy to get involved in this. But maybe he is actually someone who understands who the guy really is and how he has behaved towards her. It likely wont last with him and is a rebound thing. Hopefully she wont involve the kids at all.

God I'm glad you're not my sister (or friend!)

I split up with my predominantly awful ex dh and had the full support and love of my family and friends.
This support & love continued when I starting dating his friend. He's now my dh of over a decade and my life is significantly better.

Be there for your sister and stop judging her!!!

Do you have any idea how difficult it is for someone to leave an abusive relationship? Have you never read the threads on here? It's not easy and takes a hell of a lot of strenght to do so abuse grinds people down.

It seems strange that she couldn't speak to you about what she was going through. Kids will also be ultimately better not having to endure it.

Hooking up with his friend so quickly probably isn't the best idea but the last thing she needs is your judgement.

Christ, OP. You’re embarrassed? Your sister has told you her partner was abusive. Believe her. There is no ‘whole story’ that is any of your business, you believe her and support her. Full stop.

Her subsequent relationship isn’t any of your business. You aren’t required to condone or accept anything. Keep your beak out, take the children as and when you wish to, and really look inward as to why your reaction to all this was so…awful. As it really is quite awful. The things you’re saying beggar belief.

@Arsenal123

I am just trying to reconcile my initial thoughts and feelings rather than influence anything. Like many of the repliers I have made judgements and perhaps posted unthinkingly and with a poor choices of words. As humans we do this when in shock. I'll always stand by my family and provide them with support if they need it.

But your initial thoughts should have been sadness and regret for her; concern for her; wondering what you could do to help; asking how you didn't see how awful things were for her.

You know, like most people's nitial thoughts would have been. Your post is not the vindication you believe it to be!

Rather than concern for him and embarrassment for yourself.

Your 'shame', at a push should be reserved for the fact you were aware of his attitude towards her and didn't support her. Not at the fact she has left him.

Of course the relationship with his best friend would be ill advised at best but this is indicative of the trauma she is experiencing. She is vulnerable. Her own judgement is off. She needs love akd kindness and maybe she feels that from him. Maybe he is taking advantage. Maybe he feels huge compassion for her plight. Who knows.

I think she has done the right thing and got away from this abusive man. .However it does seem awkward to get with his best mate .However as others say here ,best to keep out of it . You can still help with her DC anyway

For instance: Is it wrong for me say I don't want this guy around my house when you are staying with me? Or that I am not happy to have the kids while you go on a night out with him or are recovering the next day?

Yes it's wrong because it's not your place to police her relationship.

Surely it's better that the kids are with you when she's out with him than them being with him and playing happy families?

Ultimately she needs to make good choices and do what's best for her children. Don't push her away.

@Arsenal123

The critical comments are helpful.

But they do not address the issue of starting a relationship with the best friend before fully ending it with partner?

For instance: Is it wrong for me say I don't want this guy around my house when you are staying with me? Or that I am not happy to have the kids while you go on a night out with him or are recovering the next day?

The latter I may have already done ... not sure.

Maybe this will change in future if he makes her happy.

But this seems at odds with wanting to support her.

It's not your place to judge. If anything, it's your place to give her what she needs right now.

And, yes, you're still judging...

She has to live her own life
Maybe she doesn’t want to try and make it work with her ex.. why does this point seem so important to you?
If she’s is happy and her new bf is happy and her kids are happy there’s no issue.

Once the relationship has ended I don’t see why there should be a certain time frame before people find it acceptable to start dating again.

I cannot help but seeing more loyalty to your sister’s ex than your own sister by saying you don’t want to see the new guy around.

It is obvious you care more about your perceived idea of how the people see you than what your sister needs.

Life moves on, if you want to have a relationship with your nieces and your sister in the future you may start by not taking his side and be supportive. You may still be nice to him if you want but do not side with him against your sister when it comes to her current relationship.

Just let her get on with it. No point in interfering unless you are asked for your opinion. Her ex sounds horrible. She deserves a bit of happiness.

Why don't you just mind your own business! All of your posts seem to be about how you are feeling and what a shock it is to you!

Your sister has been really brave leaving her abusive ex and if she wants to start a relationship with someone else that is up to her!

It’s a tricky one, there might have been something going on with the friend for a while since they’ve decided to start dating but that’s all on her. It might be too soon but she needs to be the one to make that mistake.
Hopefully she’ll realise not to have him around the children just yet.
Who knows what happened in her relationship with her husband but if she says it’s been abusive then you need to support her.
I’d just be there for her right now, she’s going through a lot and might not be in the best mindset. Help support her and her children.
If she wants to see the other guy then just politely say you’re not comfortable with it happening in your home becuase you have your own family to care for.

@Arsenal123

The critical comments are helpful.

But they do not address the issue of starting a relationship with the best friend before fully ending it with partner?

For instance: Is it wrong for me say I don't want this guy around my house when you are staying with me? Or that I am not happy to have the kids while you go on a night out with him or are recovering the next day?

The latter I may have already done ... not sure.

Maybe this will change in future if he makes her happy.

Yes. He might be really nice

With sisters like you who needs enemies? If you can’t be supportive of your sister then just stay out of it. Can’t believe this was your first reaction.

I could never imagine my first reaction to my sister leaving an abusive relationship being embarrassment.

It's the best friend who is in the wrong here, who quite clearly is not a friend at all to the husband, immediately dating his ex when they've been together 8 years, it's going to end horribly wrong and so it should.

It’s not up to you it’s not your life, what makes you think you’re the one to accept things for her?

She’s left an abusive man and you feel sorry for him? And embarrassed.

I think you should worry about yourself and not be so over involved in what your sister is doing.

@FloralsForSpring

I'm sorry.. your sister has told you she has left an abusive relationship and you feel embarrassed!? And sorry for him?!

Right???

I had to jump straight to the comments because I thought I must be missing something here. What the actual hell

"I agree that leaving is indeed the right thing to do but starting a relationship with his best friend before fully ending it with him."

But she did end things with her husband, from what you said. There is no minimum period she needs to process the end of one relationship before starting a new one. Many would advise her to wait, but that's up to her. It's not infidelity.

So on your update she’s staying at yours with the kids and you think you’ve babysat for her while she’s met up with the new fella?

But you’ve only heard about split via your mum and don’t know the full story….

And you helped her escape the abusive relationship no questions asked and said you and your mum will be helping with spare rooms?

But you haven’t heard any details? Don’t believe the abuse and felt sorry for him?

Am I reading this right? Cos a lot of contradictions here.

And she’s an adult so yes she can meet who ever she wants, she doesn’t need your approval for anything. Even if she’s staying at your house or you’re babysitting, you don’t get to tell her where to go or who she’s with because you’re not happy with who she’s spending time with.