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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sister with two kids. Split from partner. Plans to start dating his friend :(

72 replies

Arsenal123 · 03/04/2022 13:54

My sister has just dropped the news that she has ended her relationship with her partner of 8 years. She says it's because he has been degrading and verbally abusive to her for years. I cannot comment on this. I know he can be abrasive and cold. I know she was upset when he didn't get her a Mother's Day card from the kids and various other omissions. I don't know what to make of this and feel real bad for the kids and their dad. I feel so shocked and down about it. Even embarrassed.

She has met up with his friend at some point in the last month and apparently plans to start a relationship with him. I could have accepted the situation had she broken up with her partner after trying to make it work and then met someone after getting herself together. It just seems so underhand. She has battled with mental health issues through the years including a Christmas Day suicide attempt before she had the kids. Her partner is from what I'd describe as a broken home (his mum entering into a brief relationship with her father-in-law after her husband left).

I can't stop thinking of the mess this is likely to have created and the on-going hurt it will cause. I feel so helpless. Has anyone been through similar?

OP posts:

Rolana · 03/04/2022 21:39

I have been in your sisters shoes. It was years ago. My relationship with my family never recovered. They judged me for leaving my abusive ex and were very supportive of him. The whole experience was incredibly traumatic for me. Never felt so alone. I'm now non contact with most of them. If your sister matters to you at all, support her, don't judge her. And believe her

AlternativePerspective · 03/04/2022 21:42

Tbh while I agree that if a man is abusive the answer is to leave, to suddenly say that she has been in an abusive relationship for years and now she wants to leave him for his friend sounds like the cheater’s script.

I guarantee that if a woman posted here that her dh had left her sighting abuse and starting a relationship with her friend the response would be that he’d probably already been shagging the friend and this was the script they all use.

Aimee1987 · 03/04/2022 21:47

When my aunt left her abusive alcoholic husband her aunt ( my gran aunt) told her she was wrong and that a woman's place was with her husband even if "he liked a bit of whiskey".
My aunt never forgave her shockingly. If you value your relationship with your sister just be there for her

thenewduchessoflapland · 03/04/2022 21:51

Or maybe the friend is a decent man who's been supporting her and given her the courage to leave the abusive unhappy relationship she's been in.

They might have fallen for one another but they've not been engaging in an affair.Although going from one relationship to another isn't ideal it is her choice.

Women always get a raw deal in this situations;the below is a blog post by Constance hall that sums up situations like this pretty well;google constance hall greg and it brings up the blog post.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 03/04/2022 21:52

It might well be that her potential relationship with her Ex's best friend is what gave her the strength to leave. Is jumping into a new relationship a good idea, probably not, but it's not your job to judge. What she needs is your support. If her new relationship turns out to be a bad idea then having loving support behind her from her family could help her to make the decision to leave that relationship. Judgement and opposition to her new BF is just going to cement then together more. If this relationship turns out to be harmful or abusive she's going to need her family's support to leave. If it turns out her new BF is a great guy she ends up staying with long term then she will likely want to distance herself from anyone that got in the way or were judgemental towards her. She's suffered an abusive marriage, give her a break, support her, help her through, don't judge her, doing so helps none of the people involved.

GreyCarpet · 03/04/2022 22:13

@AlternativePerspective

She hasn't 'suddenly' said it out if the blue though. The OP acknowledged that he wasn't pleasant. Many women keep their experience of abuse hidden through shame.

The bottom line is that the OP says she doesn't know the full story and yet is judging like a judgy thing on National Judgy Day.

She also claims ro want to he supportive of her sister but only if her sister behaves in a way she deems appropriate - without knowing the full story.

It would be fair enough if she didn't want to support an affair but that's not what is going on.

murasaki · 03/04/2022 22:18

Luna's post is a wise one.

TheBigDilemma · 03/04/2022 22:29

Well that’s the other thing isn’t it, it is said that you end up a relationship before you engage in another one is the right way to do things and much preferable than an affair. So at least she should be getting some brownie points for that. As Luna said, sometimes you don’t realise how bad your relationship is/was until you find someone who treats you with more respect.

PeachesToday · 03/04/2022 22:35

@Arsenal123

The critical comments are helpful.

But they do not address the issue of starting a relationship with the best friend before fully ending it with partner?

For instance: Is it wrong for me say I don't want this guy around my house when you are staying with me? Or that I am not happy to have the kids while you go on a night out with him or are recovering the next day?

The latter I may have already done ... not sure.

Maybe this will change in future if he makes her happy.

But it is not about you.

Changemaname1 · 03/04/2022 22:38

Il never understand why some people get so emotionally invested in their siblings etc relationships .

Obviously dating her exes mate is off but still nothing to do with you

Nellyella · 03/04/2022 22:53

So you heard she’s left an abusive relationship but haven’t actually picked up the phone and called her yet? Your first port of call was MN? It sounds like you’re more concerned about the embarrassment it’ll bring upon your family than you are her.
She may have teamed up with this guy because she’s scared about being a single mother. Perhaps she doesn’t feel she has a strong enough support network around her to go it alone.
Maybe you could up your game a tad.

kittybiscuits · 03/04/2022 23:23

It was similar shitty behaviour from my mum and sister when I left my abusive ex that made me finally cut ties with them. They did all the usual 'we don't think he did anything wrong, if you think he was abusive you should have left him years ago' etc. My life is better without them in it. I hope the answers on this thread have really made you think.

Regularsizedrudy · 03/04/2022 23:26

Bloody hell, I’m glad you’re not my sister.

Sprucewillis · 04/04/2022 00:07

It's not your business. Either support her or don't. You have no idea what she's been through by your own admission.

BobHadBitchTits · 04/04/2022 04:24

What a horrible, sad thread.

She finally leaves an abusive relationship only for her sister to start trying to control who she sees and when.

I'm glad you're not my family.

Awrite · 04/04/2022 08:09

No, it's not okay to stipulate that you will only look after your own neices under certain moral criteria. Not if you want a relationship with your sister that is.

Look after them if it's convenient and you want to see them.

Another who is glad you are not my sister. Mine wouldn't dream of judging me like this. Neither would my parents come to think of it so it's not generational.

Kara8787 · 22/07/2022 11:55

girlmom21 · 03/04/2022 15:30

Yes it's wrong because it's not your place to police her relationship.

Surely it's better that the kids are with you when she's out with him than them being with him and playing happy families?

Ultimately she needs to make good choices and do what's best for her children. Don't push her away.

@girlmom21

Whats best for her children is big nights out with her new lover while their home is being broken up?

Kara8787 · 22/07/2022 12:03

@Arsenal123
In spite of most of the posts here I believe you are in the right. You’ll find this forum tends to favour any woman splitting from a man and take her side as a given no matter what.

First of all this is the cheaters script - now he may well have been abusive at least to some extent, but leaving with the friend because they’ve found love in each other’s arms then making the other spouse out to be worse than they are is pretty standard. After all - if her lover really though his friend was so awful why was he such good friends with him?

And yes you are right to be pissed off at your sister wanting you to baby sit while she’s on big nights out with her lover boy who is her exes supposed friend while her kids are still in shock from their home being broken up. That hardly speaks highly of her beahviour.

To all the posters having a go at OP, she knows her sisters character and there are times where people hook up with their partners friends and leave marriages for them which are some real Jeremy Kyle level drama shit. Which they then refuse to be responsible about. Seems like that is what is happening here as her sister is so keen for her to help with the kids while her and lover boy are on nights out.

Kara8787 · 22/07/2022 12:05

PeachesToday · 03/04/2022 22:35

@Arsenal123

The critical comments are helpful.

But they do not address the issue of starting a relationship with the best friend before fully ending it with partner?

The latter I may have already done ... not sure.

Maybe this will change in future if he makes her happy.

But it is not about you.

@PeachesToday

It is about her if her sister expects her to look after the kids when she’s hungover from nights out with her new lover, especially after there home has just been split. Frankly that’s awful beahviour in her sisters part.

Kara8787 · 22/07/2022 12:08

Hertsgirl10 · 03/04/2022 21:35

So on your update she’s staying at yours with the kids and you think you’ve babysat for her while she’s met up with the new fella?

But you’ve only heard about split via your mum and don’t know the full story….

And you helped her escape the abusive relationship no questions asked and said you and your mum will be helping with spare rooms?

But you haven’t heard any details? Don’t believe the abuse and felt sorry for him?

Am I reading this right? Cos a lot of contradictions here.

And she’s an adult so yes she can meet who ever she wants, she doesn’t need your approval for anything. Even if she’s staying at your house or you’re babysitting, you don’t get to tell her where to go or who she’s with because you’re not happy with who she’s spending time with.

@Hertsgirl10

Actually if she’s babysitting and staying at her house while her sister is getting smashed and recovering from nights out with her lover it definetly is her place to tell her what she thinks of it.

AgentJohnson · 22/07/2022 15:55

As much as you are now severely downplaying your initial judgemental response, it’s that response that probably contributed to you only now hearing about her abusive marriage. Just because you haven’t been as explicit about your feelings with your sister, as you have been here, I very much doubt that she doesn’t know exactly how you feel.

Exit relationships are not ideal but they often the only way some people can leave bad relationships.

if you are genuine about supporting your sister then you can start by not making what has happened all about you. Judging someone, especially if they are emotionally fragile, only serves to push them further away.

brighteyesburninglikefire · 22/07/2022 18:36

Agree with all above. Also, my ex just said people were his best friends, when they were nothing of the sort. He just wanted me to think that some people approved of him and thought he was a great guy

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