Has anyone had/ got a successful relationship with 2 strong characters, different views

[Snoopfroggyfrogg]

Hi all, just that really.

I've been single/ dating ages and have recently met a new guy I have hit it off with. He's clever, funny, giving and attentive and seems to really like and care for me.

Trouble is, we seem to clash a lot. We disagree on quite a lot of stuff, not polar opposite worldviews, we have quite similar politics, but more domestic things, like whether it is ok to smoke around kids, animal welfare, hygiene (as in bleaching everything to kingdom come vs being a bit more laid back, not living in squalor), also ethical and more general stuff. I think some is cultural difference.

We are both quite fiery people who enjoy a debate so we do get into these discussions rather than just leave it. It doesn't turn into name calling or anything.

Also, I want kids and am mid 30s so want to know someone has potential as a life partner rather than just going with the flow.

A lot of what he says comes across quite personal/ critical although he will then clarify he doesn't mean it that way.

This happened last night and to be honest, I'm questioning whether to keep going. I do like him a lot otherwise. Does this just sound exhausting, or has anyone managed to find a balance after a start like this? We do genuinely get on well, I've just never debated with someone so much!

Is he the smoking slob?

No, that must be another poster x

I think the animal welfare one is pretty important because indifference to animal welfare can presage a hard attitude to actual people.

Or are you talking about attitudes towards, say, veganism?

Who initiates these debates, are they conducted calmly and respectfully? Sounds like one or both of you might not be great at communicating?

Views that smoking around small DC is Ok would concern me.

‘Bleaching everything in sight’ sounds OTT and difficult to live with.

Oh sorry got you, no. He smokes but is also, in my view, quite obsessive about cleaning and germs. I'm no slob, but also don't think that everything needs bleaching daily.

A successful relationship is usually about good communication and compromise. It’s almost impossible for anyone to be perfect so there’s bound to be differences. Personally I couldn’t have a relationship with someone who smoked around children or wasn’t into animal welfare. Others may be-able to, so it depends on how much you value these things. You can’t spend the rest of your life “debating” them with him.

No no and no. If this is what he is like on a first date of all things then I would not stick around for a second date.

Your penultimate paragraph re him in your initial post is red flag central as well.

Honestly, if it's exhausting now... Once you live in the squalor, chaos etc and add in opposing views on childcare, beliefs, responsibilities. Not worth it, sorry OP. You deserve more.

My partner and I are opposites in most ways but share common values and have complimentary skills and same sense of humour and I'm totally blissfully happy! Had previous relationship with similar character to me and it was a volatile, traumatic nightmare.

They're pretty calm and respectful, we certainly don't scream or shout. It's more a of a butting of heads. For instance, the smoking around kids is simply something I wouldn't compromise over, similarly, he doesn't promote animal cruelty, and loves animals, but we have different views on keeping pets, for instance.

It depends what you mean. If he thinks smoking around children is fine, and you want to have children, then that's going to be a problem.

If he doesn't care about animal welfare, that would be a concern for me, but again it depends what you actually mean. There's a big difference between (eg) someone refusing to buy only free range meat, or someone who thinks it's ok to mistreat a family pet.

Disagreeing about politics isn't likely to affect your day to day life. Disagreeing about domestic things could get tiresome very quickly.

If you can’t compromise on smoking around kids, and any good parent would be the same, and he smokes around kids then there’s your answer, this relationship won’t work.

This is it, violetlemon we've had some discussions on having children even though it's early days as to be fair to him, he's wanted to be sure we're on the same page so as not to waste my time.

He is a decent man. Some of the things he comes out with though just seem so kind of idealised from his own childhood, with no acceptance that I might have a different view or experience.

He was very dismissive and disapproving talking about someone he knew who co-slept, for instance. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but there was no concept of it maybe being right for her and the baby at the time.

Disagreeing about politics isn't likely to affect your day to day life.

I disagree with this, if you’re a political person who likes discussing what’s going on in politics, being with someone who doesn’t have the similar views would be very difficult to live with.

Tbh I think often differing on "bigger" issues in a relationship (as long as both respectful) is easier than differing on "small" domestic ones. The latter are more confronting every day. I couldn't be doing with that

The smoking would concern me. The germ obsession too. Unsolicited negative opinions about mothers’ choices.

‘ A lot of what he says comes across quite personal/ critical’: could you expand? You seem to be excusing rudeness?

‘no acceptance that I might have a different view or experience’: that’s a red flag.

All in, wouldn’t want to date him.

He was very dismissive and disapproving talking about someone he knew who co-slept, for instance.

He sounds awful to be honest. What’s a man doing commenting on how a mother chooses to get her child to sleep?

If you live together and have children, these issues will escalate to full on arguments. How else would you stop him smoking around children?

Someone who doesn't adapt and change is rigid and capable of black & white thinking.

Sure in the 20s women were encouraged to smoke for nerves, in the 70s parents routinely smoked around children but this was because the health risks were not known.

This isn't different views, he doesn't have a growth mindset that's worrying and very unattractive.

I’d personally say no as I wouldn’t want a relationship where we argued or disagreed a lot.

Had that in my late 20s contact squabbling like kids and was a 2 year nightmare!

Constant I meant not contact!

My parents butted heads constantly, they used to have an enormous row once every six months. They disagreed on loads of stuff. Had a really happy long lasting marriage.

But crucially they both liked a bit of a row and found it energising and enlivening.

I think the deal breaker is if you aren't the sort of person who genuinely likes arguing! I hate it, I never row with my partner (he hates it too). It sounds like you fundamentally don't really like it, or don't like it as much as he does (or he's the sort of man who wants to lay down the law and not have you answer back - my dad loved the fact my mother argued with him, he found it bewitching)

That's it, he seems really rigid in his thinking, not really seeing other POVs. I've considered if I am too but do honestly try and see other people's angles. I actually like him but don't like the idea of constantly clashing and being undermined in front of future kids

@LizzieSiddal

Disagreeing about politics isn't likely to affect your day to day life.

I disagree with this, if you’re a political person who likes discussing what’s going on in politics, being with someone who doesn’t have the similar views would be very difficult to live with.

But you could choose to discuss politics with someone else, or just avoid it if it causes arguments.

However, if you are disagreeing about how you live your day to day life, you can't avoid it, and it will affect you every day. That is surely going to cause more disharmony than having differing political ideologies.

I actually enjoy a robust discussion, it just seems like it'll be all the time and about quite small things

Red flags galore.

It might not feel personal now but it will as time goes on. Never get into a relationship where it feels like a chore to just be together. A key component many toxic relationships is that they keep nitpicking and picking arguments that there doesn't need to be.

You might be a passionate person but this guy will wear that the fuck out.

Best case scenario- you have fundamental differences about the most important things in life. So this is absolutely not someone you can have kids with. Worst case scenario, he is a soul sucker and telling you this quite plainly already.

@Snoopfroggyfrogg

I actually enjoy a robust discussion, it just seems like it'll be all the time and about quite small things

Yup, a nitpicker. Run for the hills.