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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Has anyone had/ got a successful relationship with 2 strong characters, different views

77 replies

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 03/04/2022 12:13

Hi all, just that really.

I've been single/ dating ages and have recently met a new guy I have hit it off with. He's clever, funny, giving and attentive and seems to really like and care for me.

Trouble is, we seem to clash a lot. We disagree on quite a lot of stuff, not polar opposite worldviews, we have quite similar politics, but more domestic things, like whether it is ok to smoke around kids, animal welfare, hygiene (as in bleaching everything to kingdom come vs being a bit more laid back, not living in squalor), also ethical and more general stuff. I think some is cultural difference.

We are both quite fiery people who enjoy a debate so we do get into these discussions rather than just leave it. It doesn't turn into name calling or anything.

Also, I want kids and am mid 30s so want to know someone has potential as a life partner rather than just going with the flow.

A lot of what he says comes across quite personal/ critical although he will then clarify he doesn't mean it that way.

This happened last night and to be honest, I'm questioning whether to keep going. I do like him a lot otherwise. Does this just sound exhausting, or has anyone managed to find a balance after a start like this? We do genuinely get on well, I've just never debated with someone so much!

OP posts:

Oblomov22 · 03/04/2022 12:52

Hmm. I came on to say it's fine. Dh and I are both strong characters, have many things in common, but are also very different in some ways and have different views.

But then I read the rest of your post and it just rings of red flags.

Original poster

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 03/04/2022 13:11

Yes, a definite nitpicker. He is clear that he very much has his ways of doing things and that's that. Everything seems to get mentioned, I can't help wash up, for instance as he only trusts himself to do it properly

OP posts:

CheshireChat · 03/04/2022 13:14

No way, run!

Because if he's like this now, chances are he'll be a controlling nightmare as Time goes on and he gets more comfortable.

Loopytiles · 03/04/2022 13:18

Yes, if this is how he behaves at the start…..

Not appreciating others’ differences and different views is a bad sign!

Pinkbonbon · 03/04/2022 13:21

@Snoopfroggyfrogg

And that, is the point. It is a tactic to make you start to doubt yourself and feel that you cannot do anything 'properly'. It might feel like right now you can say 'oh we just have different ways of doing things'. But how long until doubt creeps in? Until you are having a tough day and maybe mess something up or are feeling down about yourself...and he piles on that with further negativity or comments about how you should have just 'listened to him'.

Do you notice already, that you are the one compromising? Just little things, sure, for now. And you are he one giving up amd shutting up or pretending to agree...just for a quiet life. Already it is beginning.

His arrogance is a red flag for a start. The rest of it...a bloody parade of them. Get out before the quicksand pulls up in and exhausts you too much to go. Because that's the point of the nitpicking, to exhaust you and to make you live in a state of permanent self doubt.

Pinkbonbon · 03/04/2022 13:23

*or a state of permanent compliance. Because you mistakenly think that'll mean a quieter life. But it won't,he'll just find something else to start on about.

Madrenetterhere · 03/04/2022 13:26

In short, this is not the man u should be having babies with

fuckoffImcounting · 03/04/2022 13:26

At this stage of the relationship he should be falling over himself to please you, not nitpicking and being dogmatic. Imagine how he will be if you have kids.

Pinkbonbon · 03/04/2022 13:30

Also Google 'love bombing' just incase you are experiencing that too. It's just you say he is 'giving' but...also that it is new.

Be aware abusive sorts often like to give gifts or services (eg: fixing things for you) early on (And to spend a fuck ton of time with you -full on too fast) so that they can make you feel indebted to them. To further intertwine you as fast as possible.

Evasmissingletter · 03/04/2022 13:34

no acceptance that I might have a different view or experience……….. huge red flag.

Original poster

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 03/04/2022 13:35

pinkbonbon this actually rings a bell. Last week, I had a long panic attack whilst at his (thanks to some meds). I had a lie down and as soon as I got up, he took me to show me how I had accidentally done something to the fridge door. It was fixable in a second, I don't know why he had to take me and show me and explain it thoroughly there and then, pointing out my mistake. I was feeling fragile and actually got quite tearful. Obv I wanted him to let me know, I can't be destroying his house, but it really wasn't the moment and I was quite surprised he thought it was.

OP posts:

MaChienEstUnDick · 03/04/2022 13:44

For me, the key phrase here is 'rigid in his thinking'. DH and have different political views and often different views on how things should be done, but we manage to rub through pretty comfortably through discussion and compromise.

Think back to the last, say, 5 discussions you've had. Did you move your pov? How many times? Did he move his pov? How many times?

If neither of you moved your pov at all then maybe your life together will just be really, really hard. If you've moved your pov 5 times and he hasn't moved his at all, your life will be pretty miserable. If he's the one moving pov then maybe you're the rigid one - do you see what I mean?

Now extrapolate this across 3 discussions a day, 7 days a week...

Pinkbonbon · 03/04/2022 14:24

@Snoopfroggyfrogg

So you can add lack of empathy to the mix too. Get out op, get out now.

Also, and I don't mean this indelicatley as anyone can have a panic attack. But if you are struggling with your mental or physical health already then that can put you more at risk of preditorial people.

If I were you, I would message him that whilst you have enjoyed his company, that you just aren't feeling it and so, are calling it a day now. If you must do it in person then pick a public place. But you can absolutely do it by message because this is a new relationship and it seems he may be the manipulative sort.

Do not be drawn into further 'but whys?' Or be made to feel you owe him a face to face meet. Just 'it just isnt working for me/I'm just not feeling it'. End it over a few messages and then if he isn't getting it, tell him you wish to have no further contact. Don't be slow to be firm. Block him if needs be. Be aware that he may not go quietly.

I get that you maybe want to be sure before kicking him to the kerb. But here's the thing op, you can see that there's a lot of shittiness coming from him this early on. And that should be enough for you to decide he isn't suitable for you. It's yourself you need to have confidence in. It's yourself you need to choose. If someomes behaviour doesn't feel right or kind, then trust that feeling. Don't quash it. People have instincts for a reason.

DogsAndGin · 03/04/2022 14:24

Sounds utterly exhausting.

To be honest OP I don’t think great big differences like political views make much difference - my DH and I voted differently for Brexit and have VERY different views on it - but puzzling over Brexit doesn’t actual affect your everyday life, so I don’t care what he thinks about. We have our big debates on those big topics, but at the end of the day, we each get our personal political vote and can do as we please with it. So, there’s no consequence to winning or losing the ‘debate’.

However, we agree on all the ‘little things’ and it makes for a very harmonious life. I often hear my friends complaining about petty nonsense, because they don’t agree with their OH on the little things in life which they have to live with everyday - like food, decor, gift giving, alcohol, smoking, chores, pets etc.

I think you have to ‘pick your battles’ to have a happy home. If there are too many everyday things you just can’t accept, and want to change, ask yourself: are you really going to be able to win all of those battles? The answer is no. Are you happy not to win them?

Discountclaimed · 03/04/2022 14:25

I deal with teens with humour. Even if I am being firm or serious I turn it into fun. That works well for me but might not for you.

Original poster

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 03/04/2022 16:17

@Loopytiles

The smoking would concern me. The germ obsession too. Unsolicited negative opinions about mothers’ choices.

‘ A lot of what he says comes across quite personal/ critical’: could you expand? You seem to be excusing rudeness?

‘no acceptance that I might have a different view or experience’: that’s a red flag.

All in, wouldn’t want to date him.

Well, if he mentions a child care practice, for instance, that I grew up with, and think is ok (I'm not talking about smacking, or anything controversial like that), he will make a big deal of how his parents didn't do things that way, and it is a 'red flag' for him despite being something parents often do as a pragmatic way of keeping their child safe. So many other little things that I do, are dirty, wrong or he will say very pointedly 'different' from his ways of doing things. I actually ended things a couple of weeks ago due to these negative comments but gave things another go when we talked, but he is still very fixated on his own ways as absolutely right.

I've also noticed him pushing my boundaries during sex a bit as well.

OP posts:

Moser85 · 03/04/2022 16:24

It would be an absolute nightmare if you were dealing with relationship issues or matters of the heart etc. It would be so difficult to resolve any situations.

Boundary pushing during sex is a HUGE red flag.

You've already ended it and a couple of weeks later the same thing is bothering you so I think you're better off ending it now!

Pinkbonbon · 03/04/2022 16:27

Ick. He's just awful op. Don't put up with this shite from anyone. Let alone a new partner.

Tell him to go find a mirror and date himself.

beautyFullCLoUDS · 03/04/2022 16:30

Opposites attract. Compromise is key. Main thing is you fancy him and he's not a psycho or anything, do you fancy him? If you do go for it

beautyFullCLoUDS · 03/04/2022 16:31

Just read your most recent comment. Definitely don't go for it🤣

hattie43 · 03/04/2022 16:36

You know he's not right for you so please stop trying to persuade yourself . Nothing you've said has given anything other than red flags and it'll only get worse the deeper involved you become .
He is certainly not someone you could entertain having a child with .

Original poster

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 03/04/2022 17:01

I think you're right hattie43 we just keep having discussions and he will claim things like he never said something which he did say, or that I have taken something way too personally. It gets quite confusing. He was so keen, for example, after our first date, to see me again. I have messages saying this. He said later that he wasn't sure whether he wanted a second date. He later claimed that he hadn't said the latter at all and I had got it wrong. It just seems a bit of a weird bit of game playing or trying to knock me down a peg or two when I take a step back and look.

I think part of it is fatigue. I simply can't face going online again and am unlikely to meet anyone through my current work and interests for one reason and another. I was really hoping this would work as we did hit it off.

I feel as though he has commented negatively on all aspects of me in one little way or another.

OP posts:

nldnmum02 · 03/04/2022 17:19

There are too many red flags here OP. Might seem ok in the first flush of love and attraction but a lifetime of it will be wearing.
Even if I was in the over 40 last chance saloon for meeting a man to have kids with, I wouldn’t settle for this one. You’re only mid 30s so give yourself a little more time to meet the right one.
No one is better than settling for the wrong one!

Pinkbonbon · 03/04/2022 17:20

So he gaslights you too.
I was wrong, you're not heading for am abusive relationship with him - you're already in one.

Op it would be far better to be single than with this guy. At least when it's just you, you still have yourself. With this guy...you'll lose your self confidence, self worth and sanity.

RandomMess · 03/04/2022 17:25

Sounds horrid, and yep abusive he's certainly skilled and hoodwinking isn't he?

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