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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone had/ got a successful relationship with 2 strong characters, different views

77 replies

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 03/04/2022 12:13

Hi all, just that really.

I've been single/ dating ages and have recently met a new guy I have hit it off with. He's clever, funny, giving and attentive and seems to really like and care for me.

Trouble is, we seem to clash a lot. We disagree on quite a lot of stuff, not polar opposite worldviews, we have quite similar politics, but more domestic things, like whether it is ok to smoke around kids, animal welfare, hygiene (as in bleaching everything to kingdom come vs being a bit more laid back, not living in squalor), also ethical and more general stuff. I think some is cultural difference.

We are both quite fiery people who enjoy a debate so we do get into these discussions rather than just leave it. It doesn't turn into name calling or anything.

Also, I want kids and am mid 30s so want to know someone has potential as a life partner rather than just going with the flow.

A lot of what he says comes across quite personal/ critical although he will then clarify he doesn't mean it that way.

This happened last night and to be honest, I'm questioning whether to keep going. I do like him a lot otherwise. Does this just sound exhausting, or has anyone managed to find a balance after a start like this? We do genuinely get on well, I've just never debated with someone so much!

OP posts:
Lambanddog · 03/04/2022 17:26

Controlling.

HollowTalk · 03/04/2022 17:26

Oh god, throw this one back. He's awful! He makes you feel bad about yourself- why would you willingly enter a relationship with him?

Original poster
Snoopfroggyfrogg · 03/04/2022 17:35

@nldnmum02

There are too many red flags here OP. Might seem ok in the first flush of love and attraction but a lifetime of it will be wearing. Even if I was in the over 40 last chance saloon for meeting a man to have kids with, I wouldn’t settle for this one. You’re only mid 30s so give yourself a little more time to meet the right one. No one is better than settling for the wrong one!
Thank you, that's really comforting
OP posts:
Original poster
Snoopfroggyfrogg · 03/04/2022 17:38

It just always feels like it's just an argument/ discussion but then when I look back, it's always him that's started these things, again. I feel scrutinised all the time, too, when we're together. He's always commenting on what I'm doing or saying I'm acting differently.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/04/2022 17:43

I've also noticed him pushing my boundaries during sex a bit as well.

Even if this was the only thing wrong, you shouldn't see him anymore.

But it's not just this. It's so, so many things.

And there will be even more that you haven't mentioned on here and might not even notice until you look back on the relationship after breaking up.

Nice, kind, suitable partners don't make you feel anxious, guilty, on edge or not good enough and they certainly don't push boundaries during sex.

Please don't keep seeing this man just because going back to the dating scene is a daunting prospect.

The prospect of a continuing relationship with this man should be far more daunting as it has the potential to do you great home.

You should not be continuing to see this man. Protect yourself and your wellbeing. He's not a keeper OP.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/04/2022 17:45

I feel scrutinised all the time, too, when we're together

I've also noticed him pushing my boundaries during sex a bit as well.

So many other little things that I do, are dirty, wrong

If a friend or relative, or any other woman, told you the three things above about their relationship and asked you if you thought they should stay together or break up... what would you say to them?

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 03/04/2022 17:50

DP and I are very opinionated, she is from a different country with a different cultural slant. So we butt heads, we try to find a compromise.
Doesn't always work and we can both be quite animated when at loggerheads.Grin
3 yrs in.

Original poster
Snoopfroggyfrogg · 03/04/2022 17:51

I'd be telling her to end it. I really would. My gut is screaming at me, tbh. I suppose what has made me wonder is that I am quite strong willed and able to speak up for myself so I've felt like an equal participant in arguments but I don't think I've actually criticised him once.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snoopfroggyfrogg · 03/04/2022 17:52

Not proactively I mean. I have criticised his responses in discussions.

OP posts:
Isobelslider · 03/04/2022 17:56

@Shurl

Tbh I think often differing on "bigger" issues in a relationship (as long as both respectful) is easier than differing on "small" domestic ones. The latter are more confronting every day. I couldn't be doing with that
This. I was going to say that DH and I have a lot of different attitudes and interests. But we agree on the domestic side of things.

I couldn't have coped in the baby stage with someone not on the same page as I was.

PacificState · 03/04/2022 18:08

Some of this might ring true for you OP www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/are-you-dealing-with-a-chopper-when-somebody-keeps-trying-to-cut-you-down/

Catshaveiteasy · 03/04/2022 18:14

Its tiring having a relationship like that, I've been there. It can feel like you are competing all the time which isn't comfortable. I still see my ex occasionally and he can still wind me up like that in even during a short meeting. DH is not like that at all and we agree on all main issues that mean a lot to me / us.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/04/2022 18:17

@Snoopfroggyfrogg

I'd be telling her to end it. I really would. My gut is screaming at me, tbh. I suppose what has made me wonder is that I am quite strong willed and able to speak up for myself so I've felt like an equal participant in arguments but I don't think I've actually criticised him once.
I don't think you've even been having what I would call arguments. You've been having frequent episodes of him listing the ways your beliefs and behaviours (or those of friends / family) are wrong, with you trying to defend yourself (or them) but being shouted down.

He's a bully.

You'd tell someone else in your situation to end the relationship. You absolutely need to do the same yourself.

Your guy is screaming at you so you have to listen to it. It'll either get louder and louder or (even worse) you'll start to suppress and ignore it.

And men like him alienate people around you. Because most people don't like bullies. And that's what he is.

Gwenhwyfar · 03/04/2022 18:30

@LizzieSiddal

He was very dismissive and disapproving talking about someone he knew who co-slept, for instance.

He sounds awful to be honest. What’s a man doing commenting on how a mother chooses to get her child to sleep?

What's the relevance of his being a man? It's a parenting issue not a women's issue.
Pinkbonbon · 03/04/2022 19:01

Think of it this way op: imagine you need to get a birthday cake for a family member and just manage to get to the bakery on time. But you get home and realise that the cakebox is empty. There's no cake in the box. So what are you gonna do? Give your relative the empty box?

The point is, he isn't what you want. You want a kind, loving, healthy relationship...and he...well, he is an empty box.

Throw him back, because he isn't relevant to your happiness moving forwards at all.

Loopytiles · 03/04/2022 19:07

This is NOT a ‘two strong wills’ situation.

This is a ‘run for the hills’ situation.

Original poster
Snoopfroggyfrogg · 03/04/2022 19:09

@Pinkbonbon

Think of it this way op: imagine you need to get a birthday cake for a family member and just manage to get to the bakery on time. But you get home and realise that the cakebox is empty. There's no cake in the box. So what are you gonna do? Give your relative the empty box?

The point is, he isn't what you want. You want a kind, loving, healthy relationship...and he...well, he is an empty box.

Throw him back, because he isn't relevant to your happiness moving forwards at all.

Love this analogy. That's exactly it. I thought I had found my cake at last but hes not it, unfortunately.

A PP mentioned there probably being other things too. Well yeah, since I am finding this thread useful to think this through, I wouldn't mention this to him as I've no proof and he would just deny it but he acts very much like he has a crush on a married female friend. I don't particularly think it's reciprocal or there's anything happening but he was very complimentary of her, so he can clearly be that way about people. I gave it a couple of times meeting her just in case it was a one off, but it's like he sees her not just as attractive but as a great mother, wife, cook etc. As though he categorises women into that, and not. And I'm not.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 03/04/2022 19:14

If you’re not deliberately drip feeding, this is red flag bunting!

Original poster
Snoopfroggyfrogg · 03/04/2022 19:25

I'm not deliberately drip feeding, sorry! Just thinking of bits and pieces as they come to me. With the friend, like I say, theres no proof, but I know what I saw and how I felt and that if anything has really poisoned the well. He was incredibly complimentary to me, and has been, plus she is moving away, so I thought 'well, even if he has a bit of a crush, nothing is happening and we really like each other'. But obv it doesn't feel good

OP posts:
Original poster
Snoopfroggyfrogg · 03/04/2022 22:28

Ended things, we had a lovely chat. Feels like a weight off, which is a shame as we started so well, just the bad bits weren't going away.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 04/04/2022 07:55

You didn't ‘start well’, there were red flags! Took you a while to ‘trust your gut’. It’s good you’ve done that, suggest v little or no further contact.

Original poster
Snoopfroggyfrogg · 04/04/2022 08:13

The first couple of weeks were genuinely lovely. When we first met, I had a feeling of being at home, and safe and as though we got on seamlessly. I can't tell you how uncommon that is for me. There was a big downturn about 2-3 weeks in, when he said something really insensitive/ deliberately diminishing. He apologised but kept up the little criticisms. Then I noticed the friend thing, then he said a couple of really concerning things and it started to always be my fault. So there was a really nice start, not sure I would have put up with all of this if there wasn't, even if only for a short time. I put it down to ironing out differences.

OP posts:
MissPattyGilmore · 04/04/2022 08:20

@Snoopfroggyfrogg
Wanted to say well done on listening to the great advice here
Think you’ve made the best - and only healthy - decision and saved yourself lots of unhappiness down the line.
Good luck ‘buying your next cake’ !

Original poster
Snoopfroggyfrogg · 04/04/2022 08:25

Thank you patty , and thanks to every single poster. This thread has been such a help. I feel so much better this morning. I wish a lovely cake would just turn up on my doorstep but obv that's not how it works so back to shopping around!!

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 04/04/2022 12:32

Well done on trusting your gut and acting. There might be a few more empty boxes before that cake shows up but at least you know you can't trust yourself to throw them out when you realise and get back to the cake hunt.

Good luck! Wishing you a big chocolate cake, with sprinkles and whipped cream xD