My parents are not the people I thought they were

[OMeOMy]

I'm struggling to come to terms with a recent change in family dynamic. Since COVID and following the deaths of the last two of my grandparents it's become apparent that they favour my brother at the expense of my sister, and to a lesser extent, me. It feels as though it's probably always been the case but there's no attempt to hide it now the family 'elders' have all gone I suspect this is being driven by my mum as my dad has always been quite a 'moral' and fair person. They are in their sixties and healthy and I support them as much as I can with their own problems although admittedly as I have three young kids my support to them is currently limited from a practical perspective.
Examples include:
Massively unequal support in terms of childcare/interest in my family relative to my brother's - it's the relative lack of interest In spending time with our kids I find most upsetting
I've heard my mum on a couple of occasions unreasonably criticising my sister to my sister in law- on on occasion essentially slagging her off for having broken up with her boyfriend without knowing any of the details. Simply assuming she was the 'guilty' party in the breakup without any grounds to have thought this. I knew the background to it having had a long conversation with my sister and she'd done nothing wrong and the split was amicable (and they've since got back together). I suspect mum and SIL talk negatively about me behind my back too. My SIL is quite a self absorbed person in many ways I feel as though my mum prefers her company to mine/ my sister's

Offering a cash gift to my brother and SIL to help pay for their wedding, a similar amount to me to contribute towards a house move, but asking me to keep quiet about this and not tell me sister as she doesn't want to offer her money which she's likely to 'waste' on traveling (which doesn't make much sense as my sister is currently looking to buy a house so would I'm sure really appreciate the money)

Looking back I think my sister has always been scapegoated to a certain extent- she was always presented as the difficult child within and outside of the family. Its only now I have kids of my own that I realise how damaging this must have been to her.

I'm thinking of splitting the money if we are given it between my sister and I as I couldn't live with myself otherwise.

I'm really struggling to come to terms with the fact that I don't think my parents are the people I always thought they were. My mum in particular has always presented herself as a really supportive, kind parent (as in she would describe herself to me in these sort of terms. Which I now realise is kind of weird in itself!) I feel angry and preoccupied and lacking in trust in the world and in the goodness of people.
Obviously this is my issue to work through as my parents are what they are Does anybody have any advice? Thank you so much !

The Stately Homes thread on Relationships is a great source of support and advice for those from dysfunctional families. Once you realise this dynamic, you can't unsee it. Do some reading, books and websites recommended on the thread. I was the scapegoat in my family of origin, completely emotionally abused and neglected as a child but was oblivious to it. This stuff tends to be generational ie it's passed down from parent to child Lots of therapy and NC with my whole family and couldn't be happier. I had to break the chain. You're not alone in this and perhaps a chat with your scapegoat sister to show solidarity and support each other might help?

Also the dysfunctional parent who may be narcissistic will have controlled her/his image to the outside world, hence telling you and probably everyone else what a good person they are. My DM was a promiscuous, lying cheat but outsider thought butter wouldn't melt. It's a mask.

OP I think you're very kind splitting the money and that seems like a good thing to do.

After having kids I realised my mum wasn't quite the person I thought. Not in as damaging a way, but she always presented herself as someone who had given up so much to care for others when in fact it was massively her choice to do this and actually she doesn't really do anything that doesn't directly suit her. She just likes to tell herself a story about how her life has been in service to others. It bugged me for a while but I've come to terms with it now.

Thanks @Dacquoise for your thoughts. I spoke to my sister about a year ago about the whole thing, saying I think she's been unfairly treated and offering my support. She's said many times in the past that she's been treated unfavourably compared to us but in this occasion I felt as though whilst she agreed with some of what I said she's almost tried to convince her self it didn't happen. She lives abroad so it's not always the easiest to have a proper conversation about a tricky subject. I dropped it in the end as the last thing I want to do is cause her upset and poison her against my parents.

Thanks @YukoandHiro That does sound similar on some ways. Hopefully I can get to a similar point to you. I hate feeling like this! And I want to be happy for my kids sake I'd nothing else

And also @Dacquoise I just want to say I'm so sorry that happened to you - you deserved so much better from your parents

Also is it possible parents are being reasonable? Is this all in my head? I feel so confused

Read Sibings Without Rivlary and maybe even give it to your Mum and say you think she might find it interesting.

Be firm, do not agree to keeping the money quiet. Once my sister and I started to repeat what our parents were saying and doing behind the others back, we both felt better. It didn't change the behaviours but it allowed us to be closer to each other and to say out loud what we were feeling and seeing. It was empowering to be able to be heard and also to listen. We did not have the same experience of childhood or early adulthood as each other.

I feel for you.

The best thing to do is to come to terms with it really. You could be right. You probably are. It doesn't mean they'll change. Come to terms with it in your own mind and then act accordingly. Be prepared to have it turned around on you tho, ie 'we are closer to our son BECAUSE our daughters don't make much effort.'

Some things in life are not fair or equal, and we will not be able to change them. We have to be happy despite them, and minimise our exposure xxx

You and your siblings deserved better parents as well. You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

No your parents are not and have never been reasonable people. They lack empathy. And no its not all in your head either!!!. Wobbles like you are feeling are all pretty much normal.

The current well we took you to Stately Homes thread is well worth reading as would be some of the resources listed at the start of that thread. I would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and "Children of the Self absorbed" by Nina W Brown. Also the Out of the FOG website.

Your mother is the driving force in all this and your father has been her all too willing enabler and secondary person. Women like your mother cannot do relationships so the men in their lives are likely also as narcissistic as they are or are otherwise discarded. If you've been raised by a narcissistic parent, then you've been taught that the narcissist is always right and you're the one who's wrong. A lifetime of such mistreatment typically instills lack of confidence in your own judgment, along with habitual shame at never getting it right or being good enough to deserve the air that you breathe. The children of narcissists may not have realized that the quirks and oddities of their impossible-to-please parents are not in any way unique or special but are in fact the symptoms of a personality disorder.

Now that the elder people like their parents and other authority figures that they've feared have died, there's less and less outside influence to keep them in check.

Do not let these people further control you or try to further obligate you by giving you money. Money is often used by narcissistic people as a way and means of keeping control.

Thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat I have considered narcissism but I think its perhaps not strong enough to warrant the label on my mum's part? She certainly has a fair few narcissistic traits I think. My dad is the opposite of narcissistic but fairly socially unaware and always puts my mother first. My feelings have never really mattered to him I would say. I have often wondered whether he might be on the autistic spectrum. They have not been a great combination for me as parents! But I think my dad is a good man fundamentally

I would be ascribing the label of narcissism to her; as you yourself write she certainly has a fair few narcissistic traits.

Your dad has played out his roles in this familial dysfunction too. He is her willing enabler, women like your mother always need a willing enabler to help them. He has stood back and has not intervened out of wanting a quiet life and wanting no aggravation directed at him from her. He has stood back and let you all as his children cop her abusive behaviours by throwing you all under the bus. He is a weak bystander of a man who has also failed you all abjectly as a parent. And no I would not even bring ASD into this re him (please educate yourself re ASD a lot more because your understanding of it is poor indeed) ; he is absolutely like her in many ways and he has and continues to put her first above you people as his now adult children.

A man who stands up to his wife will not be tolerated for long, or will not find his life tolerable for long, and will either leave or be kicked out. Narcissists simply don’t have healthy and functioning relationships, and so there is either no relationship, or a dysfunctional and enabling one.

His need to feel that he’d chosen a good wife was more important than protecting you people as his children.

It also shows that he needed to believe his wife was perfect, or near it, to feel he had chosen a good wife. And so they were both caught in this dance of believing her perfect and doing all necessary to preserve that illusion. Its a toxic codependency they are involved in.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I would be ascribing the label of narcissism to her; as you yourself write she certainly has a fair few narcissistic traits.

Your dad has played out his roles in this familial dysfunction too. He is her willing enabler, women like your mother always need a willing enabler to help them. He has stood back and has not intervened out of wanting a quiet life and wanting no aggravation directed at him from her. He has stood back and let you all as his children cop her abusive behaviours by throwing you all under the bus. He is a weak bystander of a man who has also failed you all abjectly as a parent. And no I would not even bring ASD into this re him (please educate yourself re ASD a lot more because your understanding of it is poor indeed) ; he is absolutely like her in many ways and he has and continues to put her first above you people as his now adult children.

I felt loved by my mum as a child but her acceptance/liking of me at times felt conditional. There was plenty of good stuff about my upbringing. I certainly wasn't abused. I think that's why I wonder whether she really is narcissistic. Or whether I'm making more of this than it warrants.

@AttilaTheMeerkat apologies I'm not trying to be combative - hope it's not coming across that way and I really appreciate your thoughts - I'm just trying to unpick it all a bit in my mind

I do remember disclosing symptoms of depression to my mum aged 16 and instead of helping me /taking me to the drs she started shouting at me saying thing like 'dont you think I've got enough on my plate already '. I also gave her a book to read on a specific mental health issue I had (body dysmorphic disorder) which she didn't bother to read. This seems pretty neglectful now to me as a parent

Thank you for your comment. Now that I have recovered from my childhood I don't feel angry or sorry for myself at all. I think I actually got lucky as the scapegoat as we usually have to leave to get away from the abuse and are more likely to seek help to ensure our own families don't get the same treatment. I now feel indifferent to my family as they are victims of their own upbringings but choose not to do the work for recovery. Not my circus, not my monkeys!

What I will say though is that there are degrees of dysfunction. You may be able to manage your parents with LC. It is also to your credit that you have recognised your sister's scapegoating. You may be able yo have some form of respectful relationship with her. Your brother, not so sure. Sounds like he's the golden child who benefits from your parents overesteem of him.

It's not in your head, btw. It's due to FOG, fear, obligation and guilt. Once you step away and get some perspective it becomes a lot clearer. Some of the things my parents did were downright negligent. Couldn't see it until I had my own child.

@Dacquoise

Thank you for your comment. Now that I have recovered from my childhood I don't feel angry or sorry for myself at all. I think I actually got lucky as the scapegoat as we usually have to leave to get away from the abuse and are more likely to seek help to ensure our own families don't get the same treatment. I now feel indifferent to my family as they are victims of their own upbringings but choose not to do the work for recovery. Not my circus, not my monkeys!

What I will say though is that there are degrees of dysfunction. You may be able to manage your parents with LC. It is also to your credit that you have recognised your sister's scapegoating. You may be able yo have some form of respectful relationship with her. Your brother, not so sure. Sounds like he's the golden child who benefits from your parents overesteem of him.

Thanks! So oddly I get on absolutely fine with my brother. He's a bit oblivious but genuinely a nice guy I think. No hidden dark side as far as I'm aware His wife is a lot like my mum however!

Just popping up to thank you for this thread.
My Dad behaved in appalling ways that I don't believe he would have dared do when the GPs were alive so what you say has reinforced that.
You won't change them and challenging them will not go well. Try to work on your own boundaries and how you choose to respond x

Re your comment:-
"AttilaTheMeerkat apologies I'm not trying to be combative - hope it's not coming across that way and I really appreciate your thoughts - I'm just trying to unpick it all a bit in my mind"

Your replies are indeed not coming across that way to me at all:)

This is truly heavy stuff to get your head around and start to unpick. It took me a long time to sort of suss this all out as well.

It must be very hard to be re-thinking your relationship with your parents and your whole childhood. As your sister lives abroad, I'm not sure it's a good idea to tell her exactly how you feel because she's too far away for you to support her in person. Be ready to support her as and when she needs it. The key thing I think is to recognise the patterns and ensure these don't repeat with you and your children. How do they feel about their grandparents?

That's probably my own projection regarding your brother tbh. My brother is the golden child and spit of my mother ie dismissive, ignoring and at times completely callous. Completely oblivious to this though so no hope of any improvement or change.

Interestingly his marriage is also very similar to my parents as wife is controlling and abusive like my dad and my brother complains constantly about her but is equally disrespectful and dismissive of her. Perhaps your brother has recreated your parents dynamic in some way? Also Interesting that your sister lives so far away.

When you do investigate this stuff, it's fascinating how people behave with this golden child/scapegoat dynamic. You can almost predict outcomes.

Good luck on your journey with this @OMeOMy. Knowledge is power. Like I said, couldn't be happier in life now I have broken away from the dysfunction.