My parents are not the people I thought they were

[OMeOMy]

I'm struggling to come to terms with a recent change in family dynamic. Since COVID and following the deaths of the last two of my grandparents it's become apparent that they favour my brother at the expense of my sister, and to a lesser extent, me. It feels as though it's probably always been the case but there's no attempt to hide it now the family 'elders' have all gone I suspect this is being driven by my mum as my dad has always been quite a 'moral' and fair person. They are in their sixties and healthy and I support them as much as I can with their own problems although admittedly as I have three young kids my support to them is currently limited from a practical perspective.
Examples include:
Massively unequal support in terms of childcare/interest in my family relative to my brother's - it's the relative lack of interest In spending time with our kids I find most upsetting
I've heard my mum on a couple of occasions unreasonably criticising my sister to my sister in law- on on occasion essentially slagging her off for having broken up with her boyfriend without knowing any of the details. Simply assuming she was the 'guilty' party in the breakup without any grounds to have thought this. I knew the background to it having had a long conversation with my sister and she'd done nothing wrong and the split was amicable (and they've since got back together). I suspect mum and SIL talk negatively about me behind my back too. My SIL is quite a self absorbed person in many ways I feel as though my mum prefers her company to mine/ my sister's

Offering a cash gift to my brother and SIL to help pay for their wedding, a similar amount to me to contribute towards a house move, but asking me to keep quiet about this and not tell me sister as she doesn't want to offer her money which she's likely to 'waste' on traveling (which doesn't make much sense as my sister is currently looking to buy a house so would I'm sure really appreciate the money)

Looking back I think my sister has always been scapegoated to a certain extent- she was always presented as the difficult child within and outside of the family. Its only now I have kids of my own that I realise how damaging this must have been to her.

I'm thinking of splitting the money if we are given it between my sister and I as I couldn't live with myself otherwise.

I'm really struggling to come to terms with the fact that I don't think my parents are the people I always thought they were. My mum in particular has always presented herself as a really supportive, kind parent (as in she would describe herself to me in these sort of terms. Which I now realise is kind of weird in itself!) I feel angry and preoccupied and lacking in trust in the world and in the goodness of people.
Obviously this is my issue to work through as my parents are what they are Does anybody have any advice? Thank you so much !

Invisablewoman

So very sorry to read this, both parents here have and continue to let you and your sibling down. They have between them failed you abjectly.

I would continue to lower all interactions with them going forward to a future point of zero sum. Its not possible to have a relationship with people so disordered of thinking.

I know you're right.

But I miss them. I miss cuddling my mum. I'm 46 fucking years old. But I know we have to draw a line in the sand for our own well being. I have to support my sister.

I think many parents favour ‘in their own image’ - so if they have a son or daughter who does things the way they did— some examples are live locally, not divorce, got married, job they can relate to, pop round all the time (as they live locally) they often favour that child— my now deceased MIL favoured my BIL over my H - as he was in the police, bought a house very young,a bit right wing— whereas my H was creative, rented (albeit very nice houses) moved away etc.

I know this feeling. You're definitely not alone. I also had the LIGHTBULB moment. It's so disappointing. But before I was ''just'' disappointed, I was heartbroken and angry. It's taken two difficult years of pain and therapy to get to just feeling disappointed and sad!!

My parents have been good to me financially so they own me in their eyes. They can label me paranoid, sensitive, emotional, angry and I'm not allowed to have a reaction to that.

I tried to put an end to it but they decided that they would not have a discussion with me. But I felt upset about their stonewalling me. I didn't know it was their considered policy not to communicate with me, so then they labelled my attempts to have a discussion (not knowing that they had decided this wouldn't be happening) as ''angry and abusive''.

They talked about me to relatives though.

It shocks me to type this but I've seen how defensive they are, how they have no capability to receive even the smallest big of feedback (ie, stop calling me names) and they use martyrdom to try and control me. I just can't unsee it. They keep talking about my appalling behaviour over the last two years and I just can't unsee their true flaws. And they keep throwing more labels at me. Detached from reality. Needing help (I've been to therapy, they would never do that). And looking like death warmed up. Well, i inherited my face from them. And they're 25 years older than I am, but I would never ever say ''you look like death warmed up in 25 years''. But they just feel so entitled to say this shit to me.

I know nobody is perfect but when your parents need you to reflect back their rosy view of themselves at your expense, that works well for them, but not for you. Basically they need to HURT you in order to just be 'ok'.

All you can do is step away. I wish I had just stepped away. I tried to explain to my mother how cruel it was to gloss over decades of labelling me paranoid. But she got angry with me. She's still angry with me.

@Crikeyalmighty

I think many parents favour ‘in their own image’ - so if they have a son or daughter who does things the way they did— some examples are live locally, not divorce, got married, job they can relate to, pop round all the time (as they live locally) they often favour that child— my now deceased MIL favoured my BIL over my H - as he was in the police, bought a house very young,a bit right wing— whereas my H was creative, rented (albeit very nice houses) moved away etc.

This is true.

I wish my brother had your insight @OMeOMy He just enjoys being the enmeshed golden child. I am not really communicating with him either atm. I feel very let down by him and he probably feels I made trouble over nothing. He hasn't a clue though. all his labels are positive, ie, rational, logical. But if he did ask my parents to stop 'typing' him all the time, they would HEAR his request and try to amend. Not for me. I don't get that respect.
I'm the trash can for the family's low self esteem and inadequacies. They don't realise that I know, but still. It has damaged me. I was raised to feel that expressing any kind of need or opinion or preference was a huge act of aggression I was perpetrating against the other person.

Ps, somebody else said it upthread, but being a bit part in her play is exactly how my mother makes me feel. I have no power to make her see me as a real person but I'm not on her stage taking direction anymore.

@OMeOMy I also struggle with the label of ''narcissist'' because I think, the only person my mother treats like a player on her stage is me

So therefore it is possible for her to view herself as a good, sane, normal, supportive, generous person, as she can be all of these things to my father, to my brother, to my children. But there is something about me that she feels she owns. I'm not allowed to have a reaction to something that wouldn't match her reaction to the same thing. I suppose she is a people pleaser to every body else but to me, I'm an ''object self'' and she gets so angry with me if I don't do what she needs me to do to match her narrative.

So I can't use the word narcissist to describe her although her behaviour to me is narcissistic. My Dad backs her up all the time. She hurts me and he raced over here to reprimand me for hurting mum. So the core issue is her DEFENSIVENESS. which is kind of narcissism? She just cannot and will not receive any negative feedback and especially not from somebody that she feels she kind of owns/controls.

Now that I have refused to play the part of daughter in her play she is full on hating me. Smearing me to relatives, total martyrdom, telling me how much pain i caused her (when our fall out started with her refusing point blank to acknowledge that it was possible she could hurt me).

So many times, in so many crappy jobs, I've had to take feedback, do this differently, concentrate on x not y. Prioritise A over B. Nobody enjoys it but they learn to just hear what the central message is, not let the shock derail you and commit to giving the employer what they require.

But my mum has never had a job. At least not one she wouldn't have walked out of the first criticism she received. She has done that. Early in her marriage. She hasn't worked since before I was born and I'm 52.

I think if she'd had a job she could have had some practice receiving feedback. But my Dad panders to her and my brother does too.

She doesn't hurt them though. It's only me. It's so weird. She has literally told me I'm detached from reality, I need help, I look like shit and yet my brother and my father are angry with me for upsetting her.

This all feels familiar to me and it’s very difficult to get sorted on the how and the why. My mother definitely has narcissist tendencies, but because she always tells me she lives for me and my children that’s the narrative, when really she’s controlling and belittling and snide. I think it can be very hard to see parents for who they are really as there are so many emotions involved.

@Invisablewoman

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's really hard.

My sister and I have been doing similar since Christmas when things came to a head with our parents.

We realised that our dad has massively enabled our mum's behaviour for years. He puts her first. Always. The mantra of our lives has been "don't upset your mum". She's very rarely called out when her behaviour has been unreasonable. We all have to pretend whatever happened never happened. If there is any dissent she uses the silent treatment and/or martyr's tears.

It's complicated though. As you say, so many shades of grey. Objectively they are/have been amazing parents. Would do anything for us. My mum has severe anxiety that she drinks to control. But neither of them will accept that the drinking has become problematic. My dad literally tops up her glass as and when directed to even after my sister and I plucked up thd courage to speak out.

The only way we're managing at the moment is LC with no alcohol. It's hard.

@Invisablewoman that sounds VERY familiar. The lack of ability to challenge unreasonable behaviour sums up my childhood. My mum is also anxious and weaponises this imo so that nobody would dare criticize her for fear of inducing a 'setback' of her anxiety. Eg a comment from my uncle from 10 years ago is regularly cited as causing her a decade of mental ill health. The implication to the rest of us is don't you dare risk being responsible for something similar! She is also I would say a problematic drinker (although not an alcoholic). So sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time

@Invisablewoman

I know you're right.

But I miss them. I miss cuddling my mum. I'm 46 fucking years old. But I know we have to draw a line in the sand for our own well being. I have to support my sister.

I miss my mum too even though we're still in contact. I still have this expectation of her as a person who'll look after me when things go wrong. And maybe 1 time in 5 she might do a bit. But mainly she'll make things worse. I miss the mum I knew (or thought I knew) from my early childhood and would do anything for a cuddle with that person. To feel scooped up in love again as I remember from a long time ago.

@Joy247

I know this feeling. You're definitely not alone. I also had the LIGHTBULB moment. It's so disappointing. But before I was ''just'' disappointed, I was heartbroken and angry. It's taken two difficult years of pain and therapy to get to just feeling disappointed and sad!!

My parents have been good to me financially so they own me in their eyes. They can label me paranoid, sensitive, emotional, angry and I'm not allowed to have a reaction to that.

I tried to put an end to it but they decided that they would not have a discussion with me. But I felt upset about their stonewalling me. I didn't know it was their considered policy not to communicate with me, so then they labelled my attempts to have a discussion (not knowing that they had decided this wouldn't be happening) as ''angry and abusive''.

They talked about me to relatives though.

It shocks me to type this but I've seen how defensive they are, how they have no capability to receive even the smallest big of feedback (ie, stop calling me names) and they use martyrdom to try and control me. I just can't unsee it. They keep talking about my appalling behaviour over the last two years and I just can't unsee their true flaws. And they keep throwing more labels at me. Detached from reality. Needing help (I've been to therapy, they would never do that). And looking like death warmed up. Well, i inherited my face from them. And they're 25 years older than I am, but I would never ever say ''you look like death warmed up in 25 years''. But they just feel so entitled to say this shit to me.

I know nobody is perfect but when your parents need you to reflect back their rosy view of themselves at your expense, that works well for them, but not for you. Basically they need to HURT you in order to just be 'ok'.

All you can do is step away. I wish I had just stepped away. I tried to explain to my mother how cruel it was to gloss over decades of labelling me paranoid. But she got angry with me. She's still angry with me.

Sorry to hear that, that sounds really tough. My mum is unable to take any criticism or feedback too. I ust wouldn't contemplate it which is probably cowardly on my part. But if I did I'm pretty sure I'd be labelled as a terrible person. How upsetting for you that you've effectively been injured twice- the initial hurt and then their unwillingness to even discuss it

@Whitewolf2

This all feels familiar to me and it’s very difficult to get sorted on the how and the why. My mother definitely has narcissist tendencies, but because she always tells me she lives for me and my children that’s the narrative, when really she’s controlling and belittling and snide. I think it can be very hard to see parents for who they are really as there are so many emotions involved.

My mum would say the exact same thing- that her children are all that matters. But her actions towards my sister and to a lesser extent towards me completely belie this. It's amazing how much I think I have internalised her positive appraisal of her parenting growing up. It's always been 'nobody else's parents do as much for their children as we do' and 'you are so lucky to come from such a supportive home ' That's no a typical thing to say is it?! I couldn't imagine ever saying this to my kids. It's certainly not as though I was ever 'ungrateful' if their parenting I have never questioned this narrative until very recently. I have just assumed that I am spectacularly defective to feel so persistently sad and lonely and lacking in self-confidence when I have had such a brilliant start in life.

I got that too oMeoMy - along with 'After all we've done for you' in response to minor stuff. And then the stonewalling if they don't get their way. Once you see it, you can't unsee it!

@alorslanon

OP, you seem so kind. My own sister is lovely, but completely oblivious to the dynamic in our family. I wish she was as emotionally intelligent as you so clearly are

Thank you. I'm definitely not always kind and I am sure I have plenty of blind spots in my emotional intelligence. But I do try to be a fair and reasonable person as much as I'm able to be. I think this is definitely a reaction against my childhood where 'reasonable' often didn't win. My own sister would possibly have said the same thing about me as you say about your sister a few years ago (although perhaps minus the lovely part )

This is so true, the internalised positive narrative, but when I look back I wasn’t happy child, I was anxious, suffocated and living on eggshells so to not upset her, our lives were focused on pleasing her and leaving home was a massive relief.
Oh my goodness, yes that phrase ‘after all I’ve done for you!!’ I hear that literally all the time! I don’t know how you change the narrative though as I don’t feel my mother would ever understand my point of view, she only sees her ‘sacrifices’ like choosing not to work when she had children. Then I feel ungrateful and the cycle of pleasing her continues…

When my sister and I tried to have a discussion about events over Christmas we also got the "we've done so much for you" line. It's so hurtful because it's basically saying "you have no right to feel this way/challenge us"

....or that all the kind parenting acts over the years came with a price.

God I hope I never say that to my own children.

I have just assumed that I am spectacularly defective to feel so persistently sad and lonely and lacking in self-confidence when I have had such a brilliant start in life.
This is exactly how I have felt my whole adult life. Even though I know more now, and I've seen a counsellor, and I've had all these realisations, I still often feel like this, especially after yet another family lunch where I have been talked over and belittled. My poor husband gets to hear me ranting about it frequently! You are not alone. We are not alone. And god, I hope I never made my children feel this way.

''I have just assumed that I am spectacularly defective to feel so persistently sad and lonely and lacking in self-confidence when I have had such a brilliant start in life.''

this was how I felt too. I was sent to a private school. My parents made that sacrifice for me.

Only fairly recently did I realise that I had no voice. That I was discouraged from having any perspective of my own. I had to view things how my mother viewed them. I had no sense of myself.

I was expected to go out in to the world with bravery and confidence when I'd been silenced and diminished my whole life.

Obviously I have disappointed my parents relentlessly.

@JoyLurking9to5 yet another post I literally could have written myself. I have also disappointed my parents relentlessly, although when I brought this up with my mother around 6 months ago, she wrote me a long email insisting that she admires me very much. It all ran so directly contrary to the way she treats me and my family that I didn't even know how to respond. But even while I'm typing that, I'm STILL THINKING, is it me? AM I oversensitive? Why can't I just muddle along trusting them implicitly, like my sister does? Eurgggghhh!

@JoyLurking9to5

''I have just assumed that I am spectacularly defective to feel so persistently sad and lonely and lacking in self-confidence when I have had such a brilliant start in life.''

this was how I felt too. I was sent to a private school. My parents made that sacrifice for me.

Only fairly recently did I realise that I had no voice. That I was discouraged from having any perspective of my own. I had to view things how my mother viewed them. I had no sense of myself.

I was expected to go out in to the world with bravery and confidence when I'd been silenced and diminished my whole life.

Obviously I have disappointed my parents relentlessly.

I could have written this post. I eventually realised that I needed to develop a sense of agency in my life because the lack of one as a child was still persisting into adulthood. I actively began to choose things and make decisions even over the smallest things. It really helped.

@ Joy247 I could've written your post except mine would have the sexes of my parents reversed, right down to the money and martyrdom.

I stopped talking to my parents last year and I know that I have been bad mouthed to everyone they know. Anyone would think I was a serial killer. Apparently, my father's recent stroke was my fault. I never knew I was omnipotent. Just think of all the good I could do in the world just by the power or even my mere existence!

As for you OP, I'm so glad that the scales are falling from your eyes and I appreciate how hard it is for you to process. Once you've woken up you can no longer go to back to sleep IME and it's lovely that you're going to support your sister. You need each other.

I have been surprised by how little my parents smearing me to aunts uncles and cousins has upset me. I would prefer they hadn't!! But i decided to not care about their smear campaign.

Lol at yr father's stroke being yr fault!! Well, not lol, more like... it would beggar belief in a healthy family

"I still have this expectation of her as a person who'll look after me when things go wrong. And maybe 1 time in 5 she might do a bit."

@OMeOMy my mother gave us what I now call the "fruit machine treatment". Being unpredictable in her behavioural "jackpots" kept us in line, hoping for the jackpot, because those times were super fun. Parties, outings, positive attention. Now I realise what she is like, the "super fun" times are actually not. I can see them for what they are - her self-glorification.

This thread is sad, but similar to many I have now seen here. What I find amazing is the similarities between so many of these dysfunctional situations. The money issue jumped out to me - my mother thinks she can buy us and she also gives "secret" gifts that siblings are not meant to discuss. She also tries to sow division. God knows there is enough division as it is. A few years ago my parents wanted a family meeting to discuss their wills. Despite the fact siblings are (supposedly) in line for an equal share she took me round the house on my own pointing out all the more valuable items that I should try to take for myself (she assumed items would be taken per item rather than being valued, I suppose). I have no doubt she did this with my sibling at some point.

I think dysfunctional families must have a script, because it is all so depressingly familiar.
The scapegoating, the guilt tripping, the enabling, the “You’ve upset your mother” blame game, the narcissism, manipulation, rewriting childhood history etc.
OP, I had a narcissist mother and a violent, enabler father. It took me 33 years - until I was pregnant with my first child - to finally realise that a) none of it was my fault and
b) they would never turn into normal loving parents. I went no contact from then on, and never regretted it. They are long dead and definitely not missed.
I hope you find a satisfactory outcome that enables you and your sister to flourish. I now have a great relationship with mine, after all those years of “divide and conquer”.