My parents are not the people I thought they were

[OMeOMy]

I'm struggling to come to terms with a recent change in family dynamic. Since COVID and following the deaths of the last two of my grandparents it's become apparent that they favour my brother at the expense of my sister, and to a lesser extent, me. It feels as though it's probably always been the case but there's no attempt to hide it now the family 'elders' have all gone I suspect this is being driven by my mum as my dad has always been quite a 'moral' and fair person. They are in their sixties and healthy and I support them as much as I can with their own problems although admittedly as I have three young kids my support to them is currently limited from a practical perspective.
Examples include:
Massively unequal support in terms of childcare/interest in my family relative to my brother's - it's the relative lack of interest In spending time with our kids I find most upsetting
I've heard my mum on a couple of occasions unreasonably criticising my sister to my sister in law- on on occasion essentially slagging her off for having broken up with her boyfriend without knowing any of the details. Simply assuming she was the 'guilty' party in the breakup without any grounds to have thought this. I knew the background to it having had a long conversation with my sister and she'd done nothing wrong and the split was amicable (and they've since got back together). I suspect mum and SIL talk negatively about me behind my back too. My SIL is quite a self absorbed person in many ways I feel as though my mum prefers her company to mine/ my sister's

Offering a cash gift to my brother and SIL to help pay for their wedding, a similar amount to me to contribute towards a house move, but asking me to keep quiet about this and not tell me sister as she doesn't want to offer her money which she's likely to 'waste' on traveling (which doesn't make much sense as my sister is currently looking to buy a house so would I'm sure really appreciate the money)

Looking back I think my sister has always been scapegoated to a certain extent- she was always presented as the difficult child within and outside of the family. Its only now I have kids of my own that I realise how damaging this must have been to her.

I'm thinking of splitting the money if we are given it between my sister and I as I couldn't live with myself otherwise.

I'm really struggling to come to terms with the fact that I don't think my parents are the people I always thought they were. My mum in particular has always presented herself as a really supportive, kind parent (as in she would describe herself to me in these sort of terms. Which I now realise is kind of weird in itself!) I feel angry and preoccupied and lacking in trust in the world and in the goodness of people.
Obviously this is my issue to work through as my parents are what they are Does anybody have any advice? Thank you so much !

Your parents are what they are. Please look for ways in which you and your brother can make things fairer for your less favoured sibling.

My mum massively favours her precious first born, and to a lesser extent her youngest. The middle two aren’t phoned / visited / get worse presents / always got blamed for stuff as kids.

But what really stings is the way the oldest and the youngest just accept this. They are aware of it , but when eg mum gives them a load of money , they don’t object or offer to share with the rest of us.

My mum is what she is, probably for her own childhood reasons. But my sisters were my best friends as children and it hurts when they go along with being favoured / deny that they are, even when the evidence is all around their house in the form of expensive gifts from mum. Recently my mum decided to give us all a piece from her jewellery collection. Mine was tarnished, unwearable and worth £20-50, sister’s is good as new, will last forever and is worth £1-2k. Sister can’t understand why this bothers me and says is up to mum. 😔

@Neverreturntoathread

Your parents are what they are. Please look for ways in which you and your brother can make things fairer for your less favoured sibling.

My mum massively favours her precious first born, and to a lesser extent her youngest. The middle two aren’t phoned / visited / get worse presents / always got blamed for stuff as kids.

But what really stings is the way the oldest and the youngest just accept this. They are aware of it , but when eg mum gives them a load of money , they don’t object or offer to share with the rest of us.

My mum is what she is, probably for her own childhood reasons. But my sisters were my best friends as children and it hurts when they go along with being favoured / deny that they are, even when the evidence is all around their house in the form of expensive gifts from mum. Recently my mum decided to give us all a piece from her jewellery collection. Mine was tarnished, unwearable and worth £20-50, sister’s is good as new, will last forever and is worth £1-2k. Sister can’t understand why this bothers me and says is up to mum. 😔

I am going to give my sister half of the money from my parents. I will absolutely try to ensure she feels loved and accepted by me. Sorry to hear about your experiences

@Neverreturntoathread

Your parents are what they are. Please look for ways in which you and your brother can make things fairer for your less favoured sibling.

My mum massively favours her precious first born, and to a lesser extent her youngest. The middle two aren’t phoned / visited / get worse presents / always got blamed for stuff as kids.

But what really stings is the way the oldest and the youngest just accept this. They are aware of it , but when eg mum gives them a load of money , they don’t object or offer to share with the rest of us.

My mum is what she is, probably for her own childhood reasons. But my sisters were my best friends as children and it hurts when they go along with being favoured / deny that they are, even when the evidence is all around their house in the form of expensive gifts from mum. Recently my mum decided to give us all a piece from her jewellery collection. Mine was tarnished, unwearable and worth £20-50, sister’s is good as new, will last forever and is worth £1-2k. Sister can’t understand why this bothers me and says is up to mum. 😔

The money is all very nice but I am not the golden child. I was the 'good' one who provided emotional support to my mum as a child at the expense of my own wellbeing. I don't think she sees me as a person in my own right. I was never allowed to have any problems or cause her trouble in any way. In some ways I'm actually envious of my sister. But yes I realise she needs support. I wish I had someone to support me though

Your parents just lost their parents.

When that happens to you, you'll understand what an emotional and social earthquake they have been through and are going through. It takes time to process and adjust.

It's not all about you.

My mum didn't have a kind word to say about my grandma. She mocked my uncle for being upset when she died. She didn't want to be with my grandma to help comfort her when she was actively dying as 'she had already said all she needed to say'. Neither of them have cried over or appeared upset by the loss of either parent as far as I'm aware. With all due respect I think you have missed the mark here. My mum's callous treatment of my grandma in her last moments has been the catalyst for me reexamining our while relationship (and my childhood)

@OMeOMy

My mum didn't have a kind word to say about my grandma. She mocked my uncle for being upset when she died. She didn't want to be with my grandma to help comfort her when she was actively dying as 'she had already said all she needed to say'. Neither of them have cried over or appeared upset by the loss of either parent as far as I'm aware. With all due respect I think you have missed the mark here. My mum's callous treatment of my grandma in her last moments has been the catalyst for me reexamining our while relationship (and my childhood)

@2bazookas sorry I forgot to quote you here

@2bazookas my mum also went house hunting (in anticipation of her inheritance) literally the day after my grandma died.

It is a shock, the dawning realisation of narc parents is quite intense at the beginning, as things fall into place and you realise you were just the runner in the show that is your parents/mother.

Concentrate on building, maintaining and taking care of your sister. This relationship will be precious and long lasting as you are able to share your discoveries with her. In her position it would be a relief to know someone else in the family finally 'gets it' and sees behind the mask too.

Take time to process what you have found out, and then you can choose what kind of contact you have going forward, and you will do so from a place of awareness.

@OMeOMy

My mum didn't have a kind word to say about my grandma. She mocked my uncle for being upset when she died. She didn't want to be with my grandma to help comfort her when she was actively dying as 'she had already said all she needed to say'. Neither of them have cried over or appeared upset by the loss of either parent as far as I'm aware. With all due respect I think you have missed the mark here. My mum's callous treatment of my grandma in her last moments has been the catalyst for me reexamining our while relationship (and my childhood)

I am actually shocked to read this back to myself as she sounds like a monster. She's not a monster - there are a whole host of shades of grey going on- but this is literally all true

I think you are on the right track. And you have been clever to spot a dynamic and fair to start putting your sister on an even footing. It's sounds as though your loyalty would be best placed with her and not your mum?

My experience was that when my sister and I started communicating better and removed the secret keeping my dad was trying to put in place everything fell apart for a while. This is a control mechanism and your mum will enjoy having that control so prepare for a backlash.

I found that this new communication with my sister made us much stronger relationship wise. Also felt like we became adults.

I really recommend exploring this with a counsellor. I’ve had similar realisations about my own family recently, having changed my life to be nearer to them (completely my own decision, but ill thought-through, as it turns out!) A counsellor’s perspective has really helped me, together with all the ugly crying I did while with her! Also, these things seem so complicated when they’re swirling around in your head. I felt saying them out loud gave me a lot of clarity.

@dapsnotplimsolls

It must be very hard to be re-thinking your relationship with your parents and your whole childhood. As your sister lives abroad, I'm not sure it's a good idea to tell her exactly how you feel because she's too far away for you to support her in person. Be ready to support her as and when she needs it. The key thing I think is to recognise the patterns and ensure these don't repeat with you and your children. How do they feel about their grandparents?

Yes I absolutely can't let this happen again to my children. My deepest fear is them growing up feeling like I did as a child (constantly sad and emotionally alone). I try to mitigate against this every day. I tell them I love them and try to make them feel special in their own right as individuals. But there are days like today where I'm sad and distracted. They are very little - the two who are old enough to talk are pleased to see their grandparents although there isn't much contact tbh.

@alorslanon

I really recommend exploring this with a counsellor. I’ve had similar realisations about my own family recently, having changed my life to be nearer to them (completely my own decision, but ill thought-through, as it turns out!) A counsellor’s perspective has really helped me, together with all the ugly crying I did while with her! Also, these things seem so complicated when they’re swirling around in your head. I felt saying them out loud gave me a lot of clarity.

Thanks @aloralanon I will definitely consider seeking some sort of professional support. I'm not quite ready for that yet as I think I'd just fall apart as I'm sleep deprived and emotional with a newish baby (and need to stay strong for my children) Really sorry to hear you are in a similar boat- it's rubbish isn't it

It probably isn't by accident that your sister lives abroad.

Your parents do sound awful and you were undoubtedly used as a crutch by your mother, which is terribly selfish of her, and damaging to you.

In your place I would gently pull back and take space to think this through.

Your mother is talking about you to your SIL behind your back, so protecting yourself and

Do seek out a BACP registered therapist going forward and find someone at that who has no familial bias about keeping families together.

You need to keep yourself and your children well away from your parents going forward. Distance; both mental and physical here is key.

I would think your sister went overseas primarily to get away from them.

You won't become like your parents are because you have two qualities they completely lack; empathy and insight. You are an individual in your own right and treat your children also as individuals.

To your mother however, you are but bit part players with her at the centre.

Becoming a parent is a lightbulb moment, it shines a torch on parenting and we can see our childhood experiences were neglectful, avoidant or damaging, and challenge the excuses we heard. "He doesn't mean it, he just has a temper etc" "dd has always been such hard work, she always was a difficult child"
Knowing we could never say those things about our own children, or hurt them.
We choose how we parent, and sometimes we see that our own parents choose methods that we really don't agree with or that damaged us. The rose tinted glasses are sometimes ripped off, and everything is questioned.

I found it easier after great reflection to acknowledge my parents have hurt me, and they won't change or apologise and I have to accept that, but I can park it in a comfortable place now and get on and enjoy my life. It took a long time, and I missed the parents I didn't have or thought I had, and felt sad as I looked back. My childhood was not MY lost opportunity though, it is their lost opportunity. I get to enjoy my beautiful children and relive it all again but without the toxic pick me dynamic, it is very liberating - developing great family connections and friendships with other people that are not them, and hold their circus at arms length so it does not infection anyone else.

Put a silver bubble around your own life, limit your children's exposure as they tend to do the same thing with grandchildren very sadly and embrace what you do have that is positive, joyful and equal.

@Swayingpalmtrees

Becoming a parent is a lightbulb moment, it shines a torch on parenting and we can see our childhood experiences were neglectful, avoidant or damaging, and challenge the excuses we heard. "He doesn't mean it, he just has a temper etc" "dd has always been such hard work, she always was a difficult child" Knowing we could never say those things about our own children, or hurt them. We choose how we parent, and sometimes we see that our own parents choose methods that we really don't agree with or that damaged us. The rose tinted glasses are sometimes ripped off, and everything is questioned.

I found it easier after great reflection to acknowledge my parents have hurt me, and they won't change or apologise and I have to accept that, but I can park it in a comfortable place now and get on and enjoy my life. It took a long time, and I missed the parents I didn't have or thought I had, and felt sad as I looked back. My childhood was not MY lost opportunity though, it is their lost opportunity. I get to enjoy my beautiful children and relive it all again but without the toxic pick me dynamic, it is very liberating - developing great family connections and friendships with other people that are not them, and hold their circus at arms length so it does not infection anyone else.

Put a silver bubble around your own life, limit your children's exposure as they tend to do the same thing with grandchildren very sadly and embrace what you do have that is positive, joyful and equal.

Thanks so much for this really valuable perspective. I might print this out and frame it. That's exactly it- having my own children has made me realise how shit they were in many ways (by no means all ways though). I'm so pleased that you are at peace with your own childhood.now are are free to enjoy your own beautiful children It sounds as though they are very lucky to have you

@AttilaTheMeerkat

You won't become like your parents are because you have two qualities they completely lack; empathy and insight. You are an individual in your own right and treat your children also as individuals.

To your mother however, you are but bit part players with her at the centre.

Thank you that means an awful lot

🌷ohmeohmy sorry that you're going through this. You are not alone.

@BeanAnTae

🌷ohmeohmy sorry that you're going through this. You are not alone.

Thank you for being so kind

It probably isn't by accident that your sister lives abroad
This is also very true. She may not even realise it herself. Lord knows, I didn’t, until Covid struck and it felt too far, we moved, and now it’s nowhere near far enough!!

@alorslanon

It probably isn't by accident that your sister lives abroad This is also very true. She may not even realise it herself. Lord knows, I didn’t, until Covid struck and it felt too far, we moved, and now it’s nowhere near far enough!!

Yes I agree that she probably didn't feel there was much here.to stay for. Good on her for getting away. But I (selfishly?) hope she'll come back, which she's considering. I am hoping we will be able to look after and almost parent each other a bit.

OP, you seem so kind. My own sister is lovely, but completely oblivious to the dynamic in our family. I wish she was as emotionally intelligent as you so clearly are

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's really hard.

My sister and I have been doing similar since Christmas when things came to a head with our parents.

We realised that our dad has massively enabled our mum's behaviour for years. He puts her first. Always. The mantra of our lives has been "don't upset your mum". She's very rarely called out when her behaviour has been unreasonable. We all have to pretend whatever happened never happened. If there is any dissent she uses the silent treatment and/or martyr's tears.

It's complicated though. As you say, so many shades of grey. Objectively they are/have been amazing parents. Would do anything for us. My mum has severe anxiety that she drinks to control. But neither of them will accept that the drinking has become problematic. My dad literally tops up her glass as and when directed to even after my sister and I plucked up thd courage to speak out.

The only way we're managing at the moment is LC with no alcohol. It's hard.