ExW and marital home

[getmeouttahere2019]

Thoughts on if I am BU please 
DP of 8 years has 2DC. We have lived together in my house for 6 years. I am the sole owner since my own divorce 10 years ago.
One DC is college age and one high school age.
I have kept this property as it is large enough for my own DC and also DP DCs to have a bedroom each when they are with DP - 60/40 arrangement, otherwise I think I would have downsized many years ago.

My issue is DPs financial arrangement with his EXW.
He has paid the required maintenance since they separated 9 years ago (no CSA involvement) PLUS half the mortgage on their marital home in which EXW and their children still reside. He is still on the mortgage.
DP says it was initially agreed that when things were settled EXW would seek a mortgage for the property in her sole name and keep any equity in the property as hers alone.
She in turn would leave DPs pension alone.
There is very little difference in these 2 amounts so no one is either gaining or loosing.
In all these years no movement has been made by EXW to remortgage until she was nudged slightly earlier this year by DP.
She now says her income won't get her a mortgage to cover the amount needed.
For context EXW works P/T, term time only and claims a decent amount of Tax credits plus maintenance from DP. She is bringing in more a month than DP.
She is also double degree educated so doesn't necessarily have to be in a min wage role or work only term-time now the DC are older.
This is what she chooses to do rather than having no options.
I feel that with the help of a broker there will be a mortgage that is available to her, I know the figures and it is definitely doable.
In the meantime, we are unable to buy somewhere together as he still has a mortgage with EXW and I am paying for us to live in a relatively large house with its own large mortgage as DP is still paying towards his EXW home.
AIBU to think that, by now EXW should be at least trying to stand on her own two feet and DP should be in a position after all this time to move on?

Well its win win for your DP, his ex and his DC. I am sure he was thrilled to move into your large house with a bedroom each for his DC.

He isnt going to rush or push it - why would he or she for that matter? Your funding all their existance. Not sure why you would want to buy somewhere with this man? You have your own home- i would encourge you to maintain financial independence. especially with you having DC.

I’d be annoyed but more at him than you. He should be getting this sorted asap. Her circumstances might irk you but they’re largely immaterial as he’s the one who’s coasting and it’s his actions that are comprising your plans. He’s down sod all for a very long time and that’s the problem.

Looks like the answer is there in the first response 👀

Do not buy a house with this man.

In fact I would be ending the relationship with him and downsizing unless he starts paying his way.

I would also be speaking to a solicitor and making sure that your assets are fully protected from him.

You're focusing an awful lot on the ex here. It's your DP's decisions you should be focusing on. He's been happy to cocklodge with you whilst supporting his ex for 6 years. If you want to downsize then downsize, he'll have to provide somewhere for his children to stay when they're with him, it's not your job to provide that.

Start preparing to sell the house. See what happens when his hand is forced. Say yiu can't afford the high mortgage anymore and either will downsize by yourself or will buy with him on equal terms.

He feels his hands are tied as she's saying she actually can't get a mortgage in her own name so he has to keep paying. I just believe this to be case that a remortgage is impossible.
The only other option would be a sell the house which I don't think is right or fair to dislodge his DCs either.

Are they divorced?

I think your dp needs to consider his pension. If there is no formal agreement then he is foolish to assume equity = pension. This jeopardises his financial planning as I assume he can't pay more into it as potentially ex will benefit.

Not sorting finances is not just lazy it's irresponsible if you have a new partner. How can you plan a life when financial ties are with someone else??

• 'I just don't believe' I should have written

How old are his DC now I wonder? There won't be maintenance payments to her forever, so that won't count much to paying a mortgage. Is your DP paying you for any bills ( he should be paying towards your mortgage) ? You make it sound like he isn't, in which case, he's a bit of a cock-lodger at your expense.

Yes divorced but no financial agreement. That was the plan, to do it at the same time as the remortgage that has never happened.

His hands are not tied...financial order through a solicitor would resolve this

@Opentooffers yes he pays half the house bills and half the shopping budget amd we share our car payments equally.
He has chipped in towards home improvements here but I generally cover most as it's usually me that's wanting stuff done.
He's honestly not a cocklodger, I think he carries an amount of guilt for the ending of the marriage and doesn't want his kids to not be in the house but doesn't seem to be able to tell EXW it's time to step up and be more financially independent

It is for your DP to sort out not you.

You need to ddd we vide if you are happy with this situation as it will not change. It’s not for you to tell the EW what she can afford. If he is happy with this situation which is very honourable of him to his EW and children then YOU need to decide what to do ie stay and continue funding everyone or kick him out, or downsize. Only you can control this as no one else is inclined to do it as they are all benefitting from it.

Decide!!

@Feelingoktoday I haven't 'told' EXW anything whatsoever, I'm giving context of the whole situation and I realise it's not for me to 'sort out'.
I was asking for opinions on the scenario and if this feels off to others.
Yes I agree DP is actually being honourable towards his Ex and DC and I have no problem with this at all, it just feels a like we can't move forwards at all and at this point down the line we should be able to.

you cant move forward as neither he or his ex are doing anything to change the status quo. You will be the 'bad' guy if you push for a change. They will all turn on you for making this situation difficult. you cant win I am afraid. Neither of them intend on doing anything so you need to make a decision...

personally i would be making plans to sell my large house and reduce my mortgage payments. He can make his own choice about how he reacts to that. You shouldnt be left paying for his choices

He needs to go to a solicitor and move on the financial side of the divorce.

My house isn't large by any means, I didn't mean it to sound as we live in a grand palace!

There is a garage and a loft conversion hence the extra bedrooms but this house has suited our blended family well with the kids having their own spaces but me and mine could cope easily with smaller.

@rogueone yes I think you may be correct! I don't want to cause chaos but as time goes on I feel like things aren't particularly fair

He seems more worried about inconveniencing her than you. Which isn’t amazing after 6 years. He doesn’t owe her anything and I wouldn’t be impressed by anyone else’s apparently honourable behaviour which was holding up my own plans.

How often are his DC staying?

@AnneLovesGilbert It's a 60/40 arrangement but pretty flexible

Lenders very rarely look at maintenance income unless it's court ordered. Tax credits might be considered depending on the age of the children and the loan to value ratio, however, lenders will factor in the cost of having 2 children and reduce lending available accordingly.