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Original poster

ExW and marital home

55 replies

getmeouttahere2019 · 31/03/2022 17:17

Thoughts on if I am BU please 
DP of 8 years has 2DC. We have lived together in my house for 6 years. I am the sole owner since my own divorce 10 years ago.
One DC is college age and one high school age.
I have kept this property as it is large enough for my own DC and also DP DCs to have a bedroom each when they are with DP - 60/40 arrangement, otherwise I think I would have downsized many years ago.

My issue is DPs financial arrangement with his EXW.
He has paid the required maintenance since they separated 9 years ago (no CSA involvement) PLUS half the mortgage on their marital home in which EXW and their children still reside. He is still on the mortgage.
DP says it was initially agreed that when things were settled EXW would seek a mortgage for the property in her sole name and keep any equity in the property as hers alone.
She in turn would leave DPs pension alone.
There is very little difference in these 2 amounts so no one is either gaining or loosing.
In all these years no movement has been made by EXW to remortgage until she was nudged slightly earlier this year by DP.
She now says her income won't get her a mortgage to cover the amount needed.
For context EXW works P/T, term time only and claims a decent amount of Tax credits plus maintenance from DP. She is bringing in more a month than DP.
She is also double degree educated so doesn't necessarily have to be in a min wage role or work only term-time now the DC are older.
This is what she chooses to do rather than having no options.
I feel that with the help of a broker there will be a mortgage that is available to her, I know the figures and it is definitely doable.
In the meantime, we are unable to buy somewhere together as he still has a mortgage with EXW and I am paying for us to live in a relatively large house with its own large mortgage as DP is still paying towards his EXW home.
AIBU to think that, by now EXW should be at least trying to stand on her own two feet and DP should be in a position after all this time to move on?

OP posts:
PussInBin20 · 31/03/2022 18:30

YANBU he should sort this out especially as it’s impacting your circumstances.

In effect exW has no reason to upgrade her job/hours to get the mortgage as your DP is being so passive. Why would she rock the boat, it suits her just fine.

This situation is happening up and down the country as it is really hard now to get a house on one wage but he is not responsible to house her - only to pay money towards his kids.

How are you two going to move forwards if he is still on the mortgage? I wouldn’t like it.

GaryTheCat · 31/03/2022 18:39

His unfinished business. He’s very lucky you’ve been there to facilitate this ‘holding pattern’.

I would literally have a chat to him. About rising living costs, that you’re thinking it’s now time for you to downsize. Putting the house on the market and moving on.

When he expresses his shock/panic about the status quo… you can ask whether he plans to buy with you or not. Let him get his house in order. Literally.

Don’t mention the ex. Of course you’re sympathetic to his kids but his unfinished business is not yours.

PegasusReturns · 31/03/2022 18:55

Your DP needs to step up. You are subsidising him and his DC and the expense of you and your DC.

You must really like him Confused

Acheyknees · 31/03/2022 19:03

If she can't afford a mortgage now, how will she afford it when the maintenance stops?

HellToTheNope · 31/03/2022 19:09

You'd have to be insane to risk your financial independence by buying a house with this man. He's far to enmeshed with his ex-wife. I'd be sending him packing.

MeridianB · 31/03/2022 20:32

Another voice saying this is entirely weighted in their favour. You should, absolutely protect yourself and your finances from this - it sounds like a real mess, with no sign of resolution.

Presumably the ex would not consider selling. Does your DP pay maintenance for just the school aged child?

Original poster
getmeouttahere2019 · 31/03/2022 21:09

@MeridianB no he pays for both but that will change when eldest leaves college.
ExW isn't willing to sell as the house has some history for her but doesn't seem willing to enhance her prospects to allow DP to step away either. Not really how he can change this dynamic without causing mass upset.

OP posts:
Feelingoktoday · 31/03/2022 21:46

Your DP needs to see a solicitor and start the financials. If the kids go to uni he may continue to pay but to the kids directly.

Nationwide took my CM into account from my ex. He did have to write a letter to say he was making these payments.

MeridianB · 31/03/2022 21:52

Looks like they’re at a stalemate. I’d be making my own plans.

GaryTheCat · 31/03/2022 22:05

It’s like a double blow for you, your generosity is allowing them to not completely move forward. Yet you’ll be the bad guy if you call it.

That’s why I would be planning to get the house on the market yey say nothing about their situation. Quietly break this deadlock and see where it lands.

If anyone tries blaming you just say, breezily. ‘Change is always hard’

DisneyD8 · 01/04/2022 04:20

Most people cannot afford to pay for a marital property & live somewhere else & pay for a second home

I agree that you are subsidising your DP & his family & exW

It's up to you to rock the boat

You can't buy together, if that's what you want, before he sorts this out

Moser85 · 01/04/2022 04:58

I wouldn't imagine that maintenance is considered as her income on a mortgage application as that could technically be stopped at any time.

If she increased her work time or got a new job how long would she need to do that for before it would be considered secure income?

Also would the kids being at college age and one going to college in a few years not affect the amount she would be able to borrow?

I'm not in the UK so I'm not aware of the rules there.

You say you know the figures but you could be way off in your estimation about it being achievable, at least in the next few years.

Neveragain85 · 01/04/2022 13:09

I don't understand how people can say they are divorced but don't sort the finances out. Instead of having these difficult conversations years ago & moving on he's now stuck. I would think court is the only option to force this. Why did you let him move in knowing they hadn't sorted out their finances?

Thehop · 01/04/2022 13:25

You’d be mad to give this man a financial stake in your home. Then it goes to him of you die and your kids are cut out?

I’d be downsizing to suit my own family and let him come up with an idea to support his.

Walkingalot · 01/04/2022 14:09

The ExW could stay in the property until the kids leave f/t education. If the mortgage is joint, both jointly and separately responsible for paying the mortgage. No doubt the ExW has taken full advantage of this situation. Not a lot you can do atm. What IS unfair and unreasonable is the fact that you are stuck in a big property that you personally don't need. He and his ExW are taking financial advantage of you.
I suspect when the child maintenance stops, she will get a f/t job and be able to afford the full mortgage herself - but atm she doesn't have to!

Property prices have gone up a lot in 8 yrs, so his share of the equity will have increased as well. Does it still balance out his pension, is their agreement still fair?
Do not buy a property with this man in the future. If his name goes on the mortgage, then he is entitled to half, including your (rather large, I assume) deposit. Also, do not marry either. Protect yourself and your DC's future.

Walkingalot · 01/04/2022 14:16

If he wasn't with you OP and your rather handy large house etc, what would he have done? He's probably not pushed his ex because he has you supporting him.

MeridianB · 01/04/2022 16:21

Wise observations and questions, @Walkingalot

Aprilx · 01/04/2022 20:23

Wow. I can’t believe you have put up with this for six years. You are being made an absolute fool of. Call time on this.

Original poster
getmeouttahere2019 · 01/04/2022 21:26

What the heck can I do? I'd never ask him him to pay half my mortgage, on paper it's mine and I can't make him stop contributing to his mortgage with his ex wife if she's refusing to make moves to take on her own mortgage?!

OP posts:
MeridianB · 02/04/2022 07:08

Your DP has choices. As @Walkingalotsaid, if he didn’t live with you he’d have no doubt made a move by now to conclude the financial split, perhaps forcing the issue by starting sale of the house to focus the mind of his ex.

As it is, this deadlock could go on for years - perhaps until the younger child has finished higher education or even until both children have grown up and moved out.

So it’s perfectly reasonable to ask your DP what he plans to do. If the answer amounts to ‘wait for ex to decide’ or ‘hope she sees sense’ then you know nothing will change.

DP and his ex are putting themselves and their children first. You should put yourself and your children ahead of the lot of them. Do whatever you need/want to do when you want to do it. You deserve better. 💐

WildCoasts · 02/04/2022 07:16

EW might not want to move but, if you can't afford the place, you have to move.

fiftyandfat · 02/04/2022 07:24

He has landed on his feet and put them firmly under your table.
Do not buy a house with him and do not even think about marrying him.
Keep your independence.
It is up to him to sort his arrangements with his ex. But he has everything he needs right now so he has no incentive.

fiftyandfat · 02/04/2022 07:26

Are your dc happy sharing their home with him and his dc?

Fireflygal · 02/04/2022 08:11

Op, what was his housing situation prior to living with you?

You are unhappy with the situation as can't move forward so raise the issue with him. If his attitude to you changes then you'll know his love was always dependent on you providing him with a housing benefit.

Mumof3confused · 02/04/2022 08:36

If there is no financial order, she can come after him for all sorts in the future. This is a bigger concern. How long does he plan to fund her lovely lifestyle? Until the kids go to Uni? Or forever…? Her having lived in the house with the kids and him paying for it all of this time will work massively in her favour. Meanwhile, you can’t move on and definitely do not marry him. Does he realise that if the two of you were to ever buy a house together he’s be paying inflated stamp duty due to being a 2nd home owner? He should get legal advice as this could get very messy if they don’t at least tie up the financials. If I were him I’d work out a strategy with a solicitor and then get the ExW to a mediator. The property market is about to crash, then she could go after more than the house since it won’t be balanced with the pension. What happens when it’s time to reportage if interest rates shoot through the roof? The whole scenario is so risky.