An abusive man will never leave the family home! I heard this recently, do you think it’s true?

[Raiseyourhand]

I know in my case it took almost 2 years to get him out and lots of money at court for me and children to get it back back after fleeing abuse. I remember him telling me he will quit his job and get a tent and camp in the house and I’d never get him out. He would make me suffer if I ever tried.

I’m glad I did and he never quit his job or bought a tent. He just lived in it for 2 years and never cleaned it so it was gross after he left. I guess I did suffer though having to fund the court case and living in a room for over a year and the stress.

I remember saying to the police that were trying to assure me that it would all be okay in the end, that he would never stop, never leave me alone, never leave.
Unsurprisingly within a few weeks of me finally refusing to back down and let him back in, he found another women to live with immediately.

My exh took two years to leave as well. It was very complicated and messy with courts, police etc.

I find it almost unbelievable when posters on here discover an affair and the partner packs his bags and leaves the same day!

That could well be true, as abuse is so often linked to control. One way they can continue to control you is to stay in the house (or live in the garden in a tent). It's all part of the same thing - a desire to control and dominate.

When I’ve spoken to friends who have parted ways with there husbands etc and they say yeah he has left so me and the kids can stay I get shocked. How lovely!

Mine left but kept coming back. I got police involved and he got a restraining order as part of criminal conviction that stopped him coming to the house. He breeched it twice. Went to jail the second time. When he got out he used to stand at the end of my street so I ended up having to get a non mol. Then he started doing it through his mother who in the end I got very angry with and told her exactly how it was and if she didn’t like it she could go suck a fart. Then he started reporting me for various things to social services, rang my landlord once and said I had loads of dogs it was ridiculous. More recently he emailed my work to tell them I’m a drug addict.

So even if they do leave the house and leave you alone physically doesn’t mean they are actually going to leave you alone.

I moved out. He stayed. Fumigation company went in when the house was repossessed.
Grim.
I went in before it was sold to try and reclaim some of my things. Sadly long gone.
The place was rotten.

I don't think that's necessarily true - it depends on their opinion of you - if you're firmly "discarded" and they no longer want anything to do with you, they're happy to leave.

I had to leave my situation because every time I asked my ex DP to leave he would promise to change or do something different, he would never actually "break" the relationship himself although would always say it wasn't working and wanted to split. The only time he did "chuck" me and my (then) 3 year old son out was when he had another woman lined up.

When ex DP split with his ex, he left the house to her entirely. He was difficult with her but his abusiveness was far worse with me.

@Raiseyourhand

When I’ve spoken to friends who have parted ways with there husbands etc and they say yeah he has left so me and the kids can stay I get shocked. How lovely!

I think most men would do the decent thing when it comes to living arrangements. The ones that don't have a massive sense of entitlement. They view their partners as objects; appendages in supporting roles to them as centre stage.

Mine did but always took his keys as it was about control and getting me to beg him back every time.

The last time something snapped and I changed the locks without telling him.

Mine was carted off my the police and slapped with a restraining order. Was horrific at the time but I thank my lucky stars every day that it happened.

Mine refused to leave too, I was half way through getting an occupation order and he was arrested and persuaded to leave by the police (or risk being charged). Realistically they knew they'd struggle to convict but wanted him out and used vague threats to do so.

I too am amazed when partners voluntarily leave, I wish I'd been that lucky!

Yes, very often true. Mine forced me out and away from the dc even though I had nowhere else to go and he did. He would literally scream "I'm not leaving, you are" and then told the entire world I had abandoned my kids. Unreal.

I had this too! I had to collude with my landlady to get her to evict us both in the end and then let me back on a single tenancy. I lived with my parents for 4 months with our 3 year old son because my ex refused to leave the house and let our son have his bedroom back. I needed a police escort to get our belongings. It was unreal!

Definitely true. My ex who is very controlling refused to leave so the children and I did. He still refuses to accept he was abusive. Wanker. My children's mental health is so bad and a lot of their issues could have been avoided if he moved out.

My dad was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive to my mum. Their divorce was instigated by him and went through like a flash. However, all through this he refused to move out, and even when the divorce was final and my mum was awarded the house, he still refused to move out, much to say my brother threatening to pick him up and throw him out got his ass moving soon enough.

This is interesting.

I'd never heard of someone staying when the relationship was clearly over.

My not-yet-ex is still in the house. Six years later.

We live abroad and it's put me in a very precarious place, with no safety net, so I cannot leave the house. I've looked into making myself homeless, but that would basically mean he'd get custody and I'd not be housed because I'd chosen to be homeless. He's got a great job and bought a second apartment, I thought he was going to move there but then he rented it out.

It's been a nightmare to the point that it's psychologically broken me, even more than when we were actively married.

Right now he's talking about leaving. I'm not holding my breath, but now have lawyers involved (that's also complicated due to international issues..).

I wish I'd known that some men wouldn't leave. It simply never occurred to me that someone would do this.

If they are abusers then they don't behave like normal men - they don't have boundaries or shame.

Mine is in the marital home now, i moved out with my son as I would have been in danger to stay. He would have never left me alone. He then alienated my son and fleeces me for child maintenance. I decided to get out so i could have freedom and a new life. If I got him removed it would have been constant police and non molestations orders etc. I just wanted it to end.

Mine moved out 5 months after I ended the relationship. In the interim he threatened to report me to the police for fictitious crimes, to take my DC away from me, to smash all the windows of the house; he would turn up in the middle of the night and I'd find him asleep in the spare room in the morning.

The abuse was definitely more emotional than physical in my case (though there was also some of that!) and he's still trying to control me now by insisting he will only have contact with DC if it happens at the house. Needless to say, as I've refused, he hasn't seen his children in months.

So in my case yes - 100%.

We only got the house because I put down 50% and the other 50 was his to pay off the mortgage. I also left after trying to live there for 6 months but he was so nasty and manipulative I just couldn’t cope so I left. Then for a year he said he was saving and he then he would go, he never so I took it to court in the end. He wanted to live in the garage and convert it in the end. So many excuses and he played such a victim when it was our child who was the victim having to share a room with me for over a year whilst he had 3 bedrooms in a house he never bothered doing anything in. Sick when you look back on it.

I suspect my DH is abusive and have toyed with the idea of splitting. I do not want to leave him the house. He has said he will not go as he has nowhere to go and it is not in his interests. He has said that when it is in his interests he will. But he has two personalities and the other personality says that of course he does not mean that and swears he is happy and will try harder.

He will not leave if I want him to though.

@FlourBreadcrumbs I left the family home as I thought it was the right thing to do at the time. In retrospect I wish I hadn't.

To suggest that a man staying in his own home is massively entitled is ridiculous.

Yes I do wonder why it is the man who always has to go but in our case we have a very young child (who I look after) and I would want to buy him out if possible.

I would have liked to move into a new place that he had not left any marks on. To feel like it was a new beginning. In my case that's not an option - if it were it would also have meant I had some control in the situation.

Just to add these are not normal men wanting to stay in there own homes these are abusive men. Those who threaten there partners with violence at the thought of leaving and don’t help with children, don’t care about them if they end up on the street. Don’t actually care about the home just need to win.