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Original poster

An abusive man will never leave the family home! I heard this recently, do you think it’s true?

54 replies

Raiseyourhand · 31/03/2022 09:02

I know in my case it took almost 2 years to get him out and lots of money at court for me and children to get it back back after fleeing abuse. I remember him telling me he will quit his job and get a tent and camp in the house and I’d never get him out. He would make me suffer if I ever tried.

I’m glad I did and he never quit his job or bought a tent. He just lived in it for 2 years and never cleaned it so it was gross after he left. I guess I did suffer though having to fund the court case and living in a room for over a year and the stress.

OP posts:

RantyAunty · 01/04/2022 07:57

Abusers and cocklodgers can be difficult to get them out.

I had one that refused to leave. My place in my name. Police wouldn't do anything.

I rang up the electric and internet and had it shut off effective immediately. While he was out, I went over and shut the water off and removed a pipe from the water heater.

He packed his junk and was out in 2 days!

LargeProsecco · 01/04/2022 08:09

Based on experience, yes.

On discovery of his past affairs, he would not leave.

He earned 60K & no-one would rent to me (earning 23K) as I failed affordability tests & did not qualify for social housing. No family nearby. Nowhere to go.

His view was that I should leave the DC behind with him & move away somewhere else if I couldn't afford to buy locally. He would take over as the primary carer (the man who had never done a day of childcare in his life).

And of course he made allegations that I was "erratic, unstable, bullying, controlling, damaging the children" which of course I duly reported to the police.

So we had to live together for 2 years, during which time he spent entirely in his bedroom, refusing to engage with the DC.

In the end, I couldn't afford to buy him out so he kept the house. I was forced to be bought out (Scottish legal system).

It's a real "King of the Castle" mentality. And yes, entitlement ad others have pointed out.

PaleDaffodils · 01/04/2022 08:11

Mine didn't leave either, despite having an empty flat he could move to. He also forbid me to move into the flat. It was the most horrific time of my life. I was so frightened to reenter the house the day he left. He was only forced out in the end when his own lawyer pointed out he was showing the courts he wasn't putting his dc's needs before his own. He thought it was an outrage and I should fuck off & leave with only a bag of clothes after 20yrs together.

ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 01/04/2022 08:12

There was no way my STBEX would have left the family home. His sense of entitlement about life, the universe and our marriage was all consuming. It was his way or the highway.

I had to move out to protect my mental and physical health. For the first few weeks, he didn’t know where I was.

Family home eventually sold. Phew.

PaleDaffodils · 01/04/2022 08:14

King of the castle mentality - I saw this in a neighbour 2 doors down. 'Over my dead body does she get this house' He fought her tooth and nail and he won. He was triumphant. But he's sat in there lonely and out of place ever since.

Imsittinginthekitchensink · 01/04/2022 08:18

My ex wouldn't leave either. Told me he earned more money than me so deserved the nice house and if I wanted a nice house I should get a proper job and earn enough to buy one. He refused to let me take anything that was half his including dd's bed, so she and I slept on the floor on blow up mattresses for months until I could afford beds in my rented place. .

Mummacake · 01/04/2022 08:20

I had to get an occupation order to get abusive ex out. It was a complete nightmare and I was forced to sell the house. Tbh I couldn't wait to get rid of it as all it held was bad memories. As others have said, they'll definitely try to stay and often damage the property to reduce its value or to blame the other party for leaving them. It's pathetic.

Twokidsanddone · 01/04/2022 08:21

My ex wouldn't leave. When he eventually did he kept keys so that he could let himself in whenever he wanted. LL wouldn't change the locks as exs name was still on the tenancy so he wasn't doing anything wrong. He let himself in and wrote horrible things all over the walls when i was out. Police said they couldn't do anything about how he "chose to decorate" his home. He never paid a penny in rent. Never paid for anything. I did. So it was my house I wasn't giving it up. So months to get him out, over a year to get his name removed from my tenancy. He just wanted to drive me out so he could have it. Then give it up. He never actually wanted it he just didn't want me to have it.

Original poster

Raiseyourhand · 01/04/2022 08:34

Mine when he left took all the joint possessions plus all my jewellery and left it covered in mould, he took all the white goods, left the boiler leaking. My solicitor said just let it all go as it would cost more trying to get anything back. He also took my engagement ring so he must have been really mad at me!!

OP posts:

PussGirl · 01/04/2022 08:50

Mine simply said "I'm not going - this is MY house" - we had a shared mortgage.

He said the same when I called the Domestic Violence Unit one evening when he attacked DS, then 18, & the Police said one of them had to leave for the night.

Because DS technically started the fight by pushing him away when he was in his face burping & blowing it all over him (FFS - why would anyone do that?) they wouldn't take DH away.

Burping at someone isn't an assault like spitting is, apparently

LargeProsecco · 01/04/2022 13:53

Mine was happy to keep the house - to the disadvantage of everyone else.

"There's no point in us all being homeless" was his view. It was ok for me, and most importantly his kids.

His lawyer came up with a separation agreement, stating that I was to leave, taking DC, within 8 weeks of signing - meaning DC could lose school place if I couldn't come up with a new home magically in placement (which I couldn't afford).

He was an absolute horror.

And wonders why I don't talk to him now....

Quincunx · 01/04/2022 16:59

[quote Casper001]@FlourBreadcrumbs I left the family home as I thought it was the right thing to do at the time. In retrospect I wish I hadn't.

To suggest that a man staying in his own home is massively entitled is ridiculous.[/quote]
In a no-children situation yes it's absurd, you split, one partner moves out, that's it.

Having DC changes everything. The woman will get the flak for everything and be a social pariah if she leaves without them, she will be "abandoning" them even if she's the breadwinner and paying full maintenance, and only left because the father was massively abusive. Otoh, if she has no job or a low paid job due to being primary carer, where tf is she supposed to go. Women, again, as ever, lose out while the abuser carries on abusing and damaging the children's MH.

cavalatete · 01/04/2022 22:52

Women, again, as ever, lose out while the abuser carries on abusing and damaging the children's MH.

YY. And her mental health too.

Squeezyhug · 01/04/2022 23:29

It was true in my case.

It took nearly 3 years to get him out. Ended up living in hotels/mum’s/ new partner’s.
Yes he also left the place in a bad and filthy state.
It seems to be a trait of abusive men.
I friend of mine suffered a similar fate with her abusive ex.

Finally managed to buy him out and it was fantastic the day he moved out. Still is !

NotNotNotMyName · 01/04/2022 23:38

My emotionally abusive ex wouldn’t go but didn’t want to make an effort to sort it out either. Eventually something happened and a relative called the police. I have no idea what the policeman said to him but after that he agreed to go, I took the kids away and he was gone by the time we got back. I really wish I could thank that policeman

VampireMoney · 01/04/2022 23:42

Mine wouldn't leave. He kept threatening to but never did - it was always as a means of control. So after a particular bad few weeks of horrific abuse I packed up my kids while he was out and we moved into my parents spare room until I could find us somewhere to live. Best thing I ever did.

Tulipdays · 02/04/2022 07:07

Really interesting thread.

Ex refused to talk and communicate for about 6 months before I left with DS. Just ignored me day and night - you would have to see it to believe it. It was a hard relationship with lots of ups and downs for us both looking back but the last few months, maybe years, he showed himself to be complacent and uncaring to the point of being indignant about it.

The story he was spun for us was if I was unhappy it was my problem to do something about, why on earth should he leave. His actual words were
"you can leave, or you can stay and put your feelings aside for (DS) like I'm doing, but I won't force you to stay"

Still don't know if that was abuse I suffered or I was being too uppity about things.

Original poster

Raiseyourhand · 02/04/2022 08:10

Oh I remember that line. It’s your fault you’re breaking up our family so you leave. I’m willing to work on it and you aren’t. I wish I was brave enough to change the locks but by that point I was very unwell physically and mentally and was terrified of the consequences.

OP posts:

hereyougoagain · 26/04/2022 23:18

I'm in the process of splitting up with my abusive H and he has insisted on keeping the house(of our dreams). He is buying me out at a lower price than it's worth, but since a double chain would be so complicated and I'm desperate to get out I've agreed to it, and I want the kids to still have use of this house which is really nice...

I didn't realise it was a pattern with abusive men that they insist on keeping the house...

Fuuuuuckit · 26/04/2022 23:37

I moved out after 7 months of separation, he was utterly unbearable, continuing and escalating the emotional & financial abuse that had dominated the majority of our marriage.

Took another 3 years for him to leave, by which point we had divorced, I'd got a court order for the sale of the house, and he fought me every step of the way despite zero contribution to the deposit etc.

I'm so much happier now.

hereyougoagain · 27/04/2022 00:45

@Fuuuuuckit glad to hear that you are happier from someone already on the other side! Did you have kids together and do you still have to keep in touch over the kids?

differentnameforthis · 27/04/2022 01:54

I left our rented accommodation with our kids.

Really glad I did, as for over a yr he had no idea where we were, and we were able to start a fresh which was important for us. I don't think I'd want to go back into that house now, anyway.

differentnameforthis · 27/04/2022 02:08

Mine never would have left. He just kept pushing so I had to... he didn't know though, I applied for houses behind his back and by an amazing twist of fate got offered one when he was away fro the three days, and out of mobile service. I started packing on Friday and left on Sunday to stay i an AirB&B until I got the keys of the new home.

My leaving gave him victim status, made me look like the one who gave up. In reality, I had no choice... I'd still be there now if I waited for him to leave.

Sunnydays78 · 27/04/2022 06:14

i had to leave 5 years later he’s still in it and still not given me my share of the equity. I feel like I can deal with the stress of fighting for what’s mine. I’m happy and have peace I’ve never had that in such a long time.

Sunnydays78 · 27/04/2022 06:15

*can’t

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