Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In love with friend - what do you think will happen?

75 replies

orangebasin · 30/03/2022 20:35

I am very in love with a close friend. We've got closer over the pandemic and recently something happened that crossed into a different place. We said we wouldn't take it further because we're friends and it was such a shift, but actually I do really want to. He's perfect for me.

What do you think I should do/will happen? I think we've both fallen for each other but are worried about getting hurt (both in our 40s and out of long relationships with children). Do you think people usually go for it, or don't go for it. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Cameliah · 30/03/2022 20:40

If he wanted to, he would have done. Was it him who said “let’s not take it further”?

coldfeetmama · 30/03/2022 20:41

Just talk to him

Original poster
orangebasin · 30/03/2022 20:43

Just talk to him and say what? I suppose you are right, he did initiate a conversation saying we shouldn't, but on the count that he liked me very much and was worried about getting hurt

OP posts:
NinaJames · 30/03/2022 20:44

Just my experience but I've done it! Close friends for 5 years - spoke everyday etc etc.. now engaged, bought a house together and am 37 weeks pregnant! Best relationship I've ever had because the solid friendship foundation. Although, we knew that it could be risky for the friendship if it did not work.

Original poster
orangebasin · 30/03/2022 20:44

Thanks @NinaJames yes I think that's it, the risk.

OP posts:
Original poster
orangebasin · 30/03/2022 20:45

Massive congratulations on it all too

OP posts:
coldfeetmama · 30/03/2022 21:33

@NinaJames that's a great outcome

I think sitting him down and saying " look , we went a bit far last week and decided we shouldn't do that again , but was it so bad ? I quite enjoyed it ? "

You do run the risk of changing the friendship but take it one step at a time

So if he replies " it was ok , just felt a bit weird " then you know it's maybe not how he feels so then tone it down and say you just wanted to get it clear

If he replies " I'm so glad you said that cause I'd like to do it again ! " then just go for it

Not everything needs a label
You may even find being in a relationship is not as great as you thought it would be
Or you could be great together
Who knows ?
What I do know is that life is short , enjoy every chance of happiness you get
Good luck 💐

5128gap · 30/03/2022 21:41

I think now this has happened your friendship is changed anyway. I'm not sure how realistic it would be to maintain your old style friendship with at least one of you knowing you want more. How will you feel as his friend if he finds a partner for example? Given that, I think you've less to lose by taking a chance than you think.

Original poster
orangebasin · 30/03/2022 21:45

Yes, I agree @5128gap - I can feel it has permanently changed now. I feel a bit sad about that! And confused. But you're right, I do have less to lose now.

OP posts:
LouisaLovesMice · 30/03/2022 21:46

I did it. Yes, you risk the friendship. But for the chance of something much better. They do say you regret the things you don't do rather than the things you don't, and this is what persuaded me to try it - I imagined an old and wrinkly me and knew she would regret not trying.
I'm now married to my wonderful best friend, and phenomenally happy.

I don't think just having the conversation will risk the friendship long term. Temporary awkward maybe but if you're good friends you'll get past it. But obviously if you both do decide to try it and later fall out, that might be a friendship-killer. Good luck, whatever you choose!

forevertired12 · 30/03/2022 21:48

F

maddy68 · 30/03/2022 21:49

Be careful though. While he might be perfect for you m..are you perfect for him?

Is it just a crush ?
Is it worth risking a friendship?

GreenClock · 30/03/2022 21:51

The line has already been crossed so you may as well tell him what you’ve been thinking.

DinosaursEatMan · 30/03/2022 21:56

Well, I’m married to my very good friend so would always suggest it’s worth a shot. However ours involved alcohol and a party and was completely unexpected. Probably not to be recommended but worked for us.

shivermetimbers77 · 30/03/2022 21:59

I think it’s hard to say without knowing more context OP: especially who initiated what happened between you, who first said ‘it shouldn’t happen again’ and how he has behaved with you since..

TheGrinchsDog · 31/03/2022 02:19

'He's afraid of getting hurt' is often translated into 'I like to keep an emotional distance and keep you dangling' so watch out for that.

Silkierabbit · 31/03/2022 02:35

I would have another chat with him and explain that you would like a relationship and think he is perfect but want a long-term relationship (assuming that is what you are after) otherwise I think you risk getting hurt as sounds like he's saying he finds you attractive but would just be a fling for him. I am a similar age and married for years but with my husband I was quite direct about what I was after and it does save wasting time. Thankfully he agreed but I think friendship is the ideal basis for a long-term relationship if both sides want it, that is what a lot of what keeps a relationship long-term but only if that is what both are looking for and think that is the issue here. Hope it works out for you both.

GiraffesInScarfs · 31/03/2022 03:22

If he wanted you to be together he'd be over the moon now not telling you it was a bad idea. Forget this.

MVision · 31/03/2022 03:26

Isn’t it key though that you both have children? Presumably the children know each other if you are friends - so will that have to be thought through as well. Changing the status for them may be concerning him as well. Seems to me that makes the stakes higher with this one - needs to be talked about together about what you are looking for rather than just letting passion take over.

Original poster
orangebasin · 31/03/2022 04:28

Thank you so much. This has been really helpful to me. I love the stories of it working out! I also like the idea of discussing outright that it’d have to be an ltr- I haven’t taken the initiative like that before.

Essentially what happened was we admitted we really liked each other when we were drunk and kissed (and it was really lovely!) and then the next day we said that unless we were going to have a relationship we should not do it again, as it would be too hurtful to have just a fling. He led that conversation (as I said he’s great and very mature) and I was in such a tizz I had trouble getting my head around any of it, but I think it’s all still on the table. Thanks.

OP posts:
NinaJames · 31/03/2022 05:09

@orangebasin

Thank you so much. This has been really helpful to me. I love the stories of it working out! I also like the idea of discussing outright that it’d have to be an ltr- I haven’t taken the initiative like that before.

Essentially what happened was we admitted we really liked each other when we were drunk and kissed (and it was really lovely!) and then the next day we said that unless we were going to have a relationship we should not do it again, as it would be too hurtful to have just a fling. He led that conversation (as I said he’s great and very mature) and I was in such a tizz I had trouble getting my head around any of it, but I think it’s all still on the table. Thanks.

For a bit more context - as I know it can be scary and all I can do is offer my experience - my OH didn't have children (in fact had a stillborn many years ago) but I do have a DD who has known him due to us being so close since she was 2. This of course was another risk I took but he is great with her and she already had that bond in place to a degree.

I will say that my OH was very reluctant at first to truly expose himself to the potential of being hurt / loosing the friendship and when we decided to give it ago seemed very unsure of how to act (I guess it's a strange thing crossing through those boundaries) but I just saw him the weekends my DD was at her dads and we just went with it. At times it was challenging as I'm quite an affectionate person and he was cut off from that (think the fact he never got over the trauma of loosing his child affected this as he was scared) but we did it and now he is the most affectionate, kind and caring man I've ever been with.

My point is, whilst it may be challenging initially it really could work if you both appreciate that there may be some challenges ahead (I.e., crossing those boundaries, which it sounds like you have discovered can feel initially a bit strange). However, you both also have mutual respect and understanding for each other through your friendship which is so important in any relationship.

I agree with PPs that you have less to loose now you have crossed that line to an extent so why not continue the conversation and give it a go??

Original poster
orangebasin · 31/03/2022 05:43

That sounds really lovely, @NinaJames.

OP posts:
Original poster
orangebasin · 31/03/2022 07:09

Yes, I think I will regret it if I don't at least say I'd like to give it a try. Things like this don't often come up.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 31/03/2022 07:34

@TheGrinchsDog

'He's afraid of getting hurt' is often translated into 'I like to keep an emotional distance and keep you dangling' so watch out for that.
Absolutely this.

Exactly what conversation did you have with him, who said what?

EarringsandLipstick · 31/03/2022 07:36

Sorry I missed your post with the update.

It does sound like it's worth a conversation but I'd be clear about what you want and establish his level of interest. It would need to be mutual or else you risk being hurt.

Swipe left for the next trending thread