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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In love with friend - what do you think will happen?

75 replies

orangebasin · 30/03/2022 20:35

I am very in love with a close friend. We've got closer over the pandemic and recently something happened that crossed into a different place. We said we wouldn't take it further because we're friends and it was such a shift, but actually I do really want to. He's perfect for me.

What do you think I should do/will happen? I think we've both fallen for each other but are worried about getting hurt (both in our 40s and out of long relationships with children). Do you think people usually go for it, or don't go for it. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

OrlandointheWilderness · 31/03/2022 16:01

I think he is definitely angling for a relationship. Talk to him.

Original poster

orangebasin · 31/03/2022 20:56

I think I will try. I have realised today that I can’t leave it as it was. Really grateful to all

OP posts:

RosieRoww · 31/03/2022 21:00

Yes talk to him and tell him how you feel.

layladomino · 01/04/2022 08:05

Another vote here for an honest conversation with him.

I'm long-time married to someone who was previously my friend. It sounds like he may be open to a relationship, but was telling you he wasn't up for a fling. You agreed so you're both now unsure what the other wants. If you can be honest, you can either agree to try, or agree it wouldn't work but you'll still be friends. Nothing lost either way.

Original poster

orangebasin · 01/04/2022 15:58

Thank you, and that's a nice story @layladomino

OP posts:

SouperNoodle · 01/04/2022 16:27

I'm hoping for a happy ending for you both ☺️

shinynewapple22 · 01/04/2022 21:06

Good luck to you OP - hope this has a happy ending

OrlandointheWilderness · 04/04/2022 12:24

Hows it going OP?! Any progress?!

Original poster

orangebasin · 04/04/2022 16:37

I’ve really lost my nerve! I think I might see if he says anything. If he doesn’t, he’s not interested, I think.

I feel very upset really and wish I’d never said anything. It’s such a huge heartbreak.

OP posts:

Dodie66 · 04/04/2022 17:01

What happened? Why are you upset? Did you speak to him?

notmyrealname80 · 04/04/2022 17:08

I have recently had a similar situation and it has massively messed up my head. I hope yours works out better than mine!

Original poster

orangebasin · 04/04/2022 17:23

What happened @notmyrealname80?

I’m just upset because I miss him/can’t quite come to terms with the fact that might be our only kiss, but also can’t really imagine it working out either. I feel like he won’t choose me.

OP posts:

notmyrealname80 · 04/04/2022 17:37

@orangebasin

What happened *@notmyrealname80*?

I’m just upset because I miss him/can’t quite come to terms with the fact that might be our only kiss, but also can’t really imagine it working out either. I feel like he won’t choose me.

I know how you feel. Mine is a complicated mess of a situation, so will try and condense it down and not hijack your thread!

We'd been friends for many years, but I was married and he was a mutual friend. Broke up with my husband a couple of years back and within a very short period I slept with "friend". He said he didn't want anything to happen and we moved on. But friendship did change and he was messaging me more and I didn't know where I stood until a mutual friend asked him and he told her he just didn't fancy me. So we had a bit of a row, but the friendship settled and we were ok until he started messaging me every time he was drunk (for hours at a time) and flirting with me when out together about 6 months ago.

I tried to protect myself and let him do the moving us forward, ended up sleeping together again a couple of times. The last time we agreed we would give things a go and then he changed his mind a few days later, telling me he could only see us being friends - that he loved me like he loved other friends although he wouldn't sleep with any of them!

Mine is probably complicated massively by the fact that my "friend" hasn't actually been in a relationship with anyone for at least 15 years and seems to have freaked out at the very idea of a relationship (this is the closest he's ever got to a relationship in the time I've known him, which is more than a decade). He's also not exactly a player with women. But of course I feel like it is that I'm just not good enough.

Original poster

orangebasin · 04/04/2022 17:41

Gosh, @notmyrealname80, that is really painful. I can really see how that unfolded, too. Argh! Isn’t life crap sometimes. It feels like friendship should be the ideal basis for a relationship and also lock in a certain amount of respect, but it seems it isn’t always so.

OP posts:

Gonnagetgoing · 04/04/2022 17:42

I’ll give my story. I was very close platonic friends with someone I worked with for a year in my mid-late 20s. We were so close we’d share a bed together (clothed in nightclothes) and he did this with other close female friends. After a bad breakup of his and mine too we went on holiday abroad together and I’d been told my colleague/friends to ask him about us getting together which I did and got rebuffed. When we returned we were still friends and a year or so later we had a drunken kiss which went further. To be honest I felt like I was doing it with my brother… we dated for 3 months which was the worst relationship of my life, he totally changed and I saw a side to him I’d not seen before. I also wondered after 7 years of close friendship why did he fancy me now?! We had a conversation where I also would say “oh yeah we went to this Italian restaurant in Brighton with the red checked tablecloth” and he then said about this as well as other stuff we’d done as friends “oh that’s really strange I only ever took girlfriends there not female friends”. I really think he was confused in his mind as to what we were!
The end of our relationship spelled the end of our friendship though and I kind of even regret that as when we used to be out as friends I’m sure other men thought we were together.

If you feel he won’t choose you OP, you can’t force or shouldn’t force things, if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be in my experience.

Original poster

orangebasin · 04/04/2022 17:45

Wow what another story. Yes I really agree: if he doesn’t want to choose me he isn’t the one for me

OP posts:

notmyrealname80 · 04/04/2022 17:46

@orangebasin

Gosh, *@notmyrealname80*, that is really painful. I can really see how that unfolded, too. Argh! Isn’t life crap sometimes. It feels like friendship should be the ideal basis for a relationship and also lock in a certain amount of respect, but it seems it isn’t always so.

Hopefully your guy will be a bit more emotionally mature than my friend! I still can't help but hope things will work out in time.

isthismylifenow · 04/04/2022 17:49

Well I did just that. But it didn't work out as it turned out he wasn't awfully good at being in a relationship.

So I lost a dp and a friend as a result.

I saw a very different side to him unfortunately.

SixteenTwelve · 04/04/2022 18:24

I’m another one in a wonderful relationship with someone who was first a friend. For us we met at uni and spent loads of time together and sometimes slept together when we had been drinking which was fine when we were at uni but when it carried on into our early 20s I stopped him and said it was getting ridiculous. I told him he could either be in a relationship with me or I would be demoting him to casual acquaintance. He chose the relationship, we’ve been together longer than we were friends to start with and have a house together.

Put your cards on the table and tell him what you want. He will soon let you know.

DatingDinosaur · 04/04/2022 18:36

”I feel like he won’t choose me.”

But he has “chosen you”…

You have a drunken snog then he comes out with this

”the next day we said that unless we were going to have a relationship we should not do it again, as it would be too hurtful to have just a fling. He led that conversation”

I read this as him being interested in you, using good old-fashioned alcohol as dutch courage to test the waters and see if you “felt it” too. If the snog was crap you could both pass it off as being drunk, laugh about it awkwardly for a while then carry on being friends. But instead, he initiates a conversation about it.

I think he’s keen but putting the ball in your court in a tactful/emotional damage limitation way in case you don’t feel the same.

More than a friendship/relationship isn’t defined by sex. It’s defined by feelings. Nothing wrong with dating, snogging, snuggling, holding hands. Yes, sex is a natural progression from that so if the idea of sex with him gives you the ick then no, keep it as a friendship but a long term relationship is about soooo much more than jumping into bed with someone. You’d both need time to adjust to the “dating” part of your deepening relationship.

Talk to him – “hey Drunken Snog Buddy, I’ve been thinking some more about what you said and….”

Dodie66 · 04/04/2022 19:14

I agree with DatingDinosaur
He said Unless you were going to have a relationship you shouldn’t do it again. That implies that he was open to having a relationship. He didn’t say he didn’t want a relationship. In fact saying it would be too hurtful having a fling makes it sound as though he wants more than that
You really need to have a conversation with him and not be afraid. You won’t lose him as a friend I’m sure. Good luck

LouisaLovesMice · 04/04/2022 20:26

He has chosen you! He laid his cards on the table and the ball's in your court now. Don't chicken out of the awkward convo IF you do like the idea of a relationship, just because it's scary. Picture yourself as a ninety year old # what do you want your story to be? Missed out on a huge chance because I was too scared of rejection... or... Was brave enough to fight for what I wanted?
Go for it! You'll always regret not trying.

tearinghairout · 04/04/2022 20:32

I also think he is letting you decide - he doesn't want to push you and is unsure of how you feel. He doesn't want you to shrink back in horror at the thought of taking it further! The only way is to talk to him or go drinking again Good luck!

cool4cats2020 · 04/04/2022 20:51

@orangebasin

I’ve really lost my nerve! I think I might see if he says anything. If he doesn’t, he’s not interested, I think.

I feel very upset really and wish I’d never said anything. It’s such a huge heartbreak.

He might be waiting for you to say something?

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/04/2022 20:57

Talk to him Op! I’m sure he feels he’s already made it abundantly clear how he feels and he’s waiting for you to give him the green light!

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