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Relationships

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Original poster

In love with friend - what do you think will happen?

75 replies

orangebasin · 30/03/2022 20:35

I am very in love with a close friend. We've got closer over the pandemic and recently something happened that crossed into a different place. We said we wouldn't take it further because we're friends and it was such a shift, but actually I do really want to. He's perfect for me.

What do you think I should do/will happen? I think we've both fallen for each other but are worried about getting hurt (both in our 40s and out of long relationships with children). Do you think people usually go for it, or don't go for it. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

ChiefInspectorParker · 31/03/2022 07:40

This reply has been withdrawn

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UnvarnishedTruth · 31/03/2022 07:41

He's set a boundary.

You've come on here looking for permission to violate it.

Don't do that.

HollowTalk · 31/03/2022 07:52

When he said that, I would have said well are we going to have a relationship then?

Original poster

orangebasin · 31/03/2022 07:53

In what way, @UnvarnishedTruth?

OP posts:

LouisaLovesMice · 31/03/2022 08:42

Your update makes it clearer that you should definitely have the conversation. It's not violating anyone's boundaries just to talk.
I agree with previous posters who think you should be clear it's LTR or nothing. Just go on a few dates and see how it feels, and leave off from jumping into bed too soon! At least that'll give you both a chance to work out feelings before you get too far in!

cumonilean · 31/03/2022 08:45

Life is too short. Never regret what you did do, only what you don't. Tell him you enjoyed the kiss and actually wondered if he'd like to progress things or was it a drunken mistake.

merrymelodies · 31/03/2022 08:55

I would wait. Don't say anymore about it, just bide your time. Stay friendly, be yourself. Flirt a teeny bit - don't be obvious - if you feel so inclined. It will likely happen again if the attraction is strong enough and words won't be necessary.

Original poster

orangebasin · 31/03/2022 09:05

Yeah. I actually think that what he was trying to convey was that the attraction is there but that we would be foolish just to jump into bed if there was not going to be a relationship as then we’d lose our friendship and not gain anything (other than a bit of sex). I think if anything this thread is me trying to understand that, and what to do, as probably the more immature of me and my friend. Most of my relationships have started with a drunken going home together rather than proper dates/thinking about it. I say that but I haven’t started one for decades!

OP posts:

WonderingOutLoud · 31/03/2022 09:14

It sounds to me like he's sounding you out. He's making it clear he wants a relationship, not a fling. It wouldn't hurt to talk to him and put your cards on the table. Say that you like him and you'd like to give this a try to see where it goes, but equally, if he's just interested in maintaining a friendship, you're ok with that too.

You are risking the friendship and the possibility of getting hurt but if you don't ever take calculated risks in life, you'll never know!

Original poster

orangebasin · 31/03/2022 09:15

Yes, he definitely doesn’t want a fling with me, the feelings are too strong. It would be impossible to cope with, for both of us. Thank you, that is sage advice.

OP posts:

Gowithme · 31/03/2022 09:16

Why mess around or play games? Tell him before he meets someone else! The friendship is going to be difficult if you're in love with him anyway - so just go for it but take it slowly. You don't have to jump straight into bed together. I think he sounds great and it could be amazing. Don't end up with regrets that you didn't say something, give it a go!

Original poster

orangebasin · 31/03/2022 09:18

He does sound great because he is really great, a really good one.

OP posts:

RewildingAmbridge · 31/03/2022 09:19

I've been friends with DH since we were eleven, wet had a brief dalliance at sixteen (just kissing) and both said the same too big a risk, breast friends etc. We got together at 25 realising it was a risk worth taking have been together twelve years and have a DS. My relationship seems different to others I see because of that solid foundation of friendship we stayed friends for 14 years first and wouldn't have done that when both of us lived in different parts of the countries at some points, had other relationships etc, of there wasn't a really strong friendship connection.
I'd talk to him, or if you're feeling brave kiss him

Original poster

orangebasin · 31/03/2022 09:25

That’s a lovely story @RewildingAmbridge!

OP posts:

Cannedlaughter · 31/03/2022 09:51

You really must talk to him. There is too much to loose. The just friends stage has gone your in this weird limbo land now.

Original poster

orangebasin · 31/03/2022 12:02

Thank you, @Cannedlaughter

OP posts:

gannett · 31/03/2022 12:25

@UnvarnishedTruth

He's set a boundary.

You've come on here looking for permission to violate it.

Don't do that.

That's not really accurate. His boundary is that he doesn't want to have a casual fling (presumably because he has feelings for the OP). He wants them to give a relationship a go, or nothing.

That's a good sign because it sounds like the OP also wants to give a relationship a go.

OP you were understandably in a tizzy when you had that conversation and didn't tell him you also wanted to give a relationship a go, rather than just have a fling. Time to rectify that, I think.

gannett · 31/03/2022 12:27

@ChiefInspectorParker

the next day we said that unless we were going to have a relationship we should not do it again, as it would be too hurtful to have just a fling. He led that conversation

I’m sorry OP but if he was keen, you’d be together. I would step right back from this.

If he was keen, he'd have railroaded the OP, who was uncertain and in a tizzy when they had the conversation?

This bollocks about how if a man is keen they'll get what they want is so pervasive on this site. It sounds like he's laid his cards on the table and has respectfully backed off to allow OP to take things where she wants them to go.

Original poster

orangebasin · 31/03/2022 12:40

Yes, also I think he’s more the shy/nervous type - I think it’d be a big leap for him to say ‘I want….’ to me

OP posts:

cool4cats2020 · 31/03/2022 13:02

@merrymelodies

I'd say to do the opposite - the longer you sit on your feelings the more it'll eat you up inside not knowing. And then you'd be setting yourself up to forever keep it to yourself or risk it building up into a massive let down.

If you just maintain the status quo now, it probably won't happen again - because you've had that chat about not taking things further, so you'll both actively avoid getting carried away again unless you've discussed the matter first. It won't just happen by itself, at least one of you needs to be proactive. I wonder how many potential relationships never got off the ground because both parties just sat tight waiting for the other to instigate?

Sit him down and tell him you'd really like to try for more than just friendship, you're aware that doing so would be risking the friendship. But you've already started crossing a bridge you can't go back from, and you're willing to risk the friendship for something more. Ask him if he'd like to try for it too.

Also, it's not inconceivable that you couldn't go back to being just friends if a relationship didn't work out. Lots of people do manage that if you're both mature enough, especially if you're had a long term friendship first.

Original poster

orangebasin · 31/03/2022 13:14

I think I would die of a heart attack doing that! Ahhhhhh! I’m almost fainting just thinking about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

orangebasin · 31/03/2022 13:17

(Not really, I just mean I’d be very happy if it worked out)

OP posts:

thatsgotit · 31/03/2022 13:20

I think this is worth a proper conversation at least, OP. As you've acknowledged, the friendship has already changed anyway, and it sounds as though there could be potential. I don't necessarily agree with those who are saying if he wanted something more he'd just make it happen - it sounds as though he's as nervous as you and for similar reasons - but at this stage if I was in your shoes, I think I would need to at least have the conversation or I'd always wonder. Good luck!

Vbaby86 · 31/03/2022 13:21

I would say try and talk to make it clear what the possible options are.

I fell for a close friend and we then had a drunken kiss one Halloween. I really liked him and actually spent the next 6 months sitting on the side lines falling for him more, trying to figure out how he felt, and I became a "no go" for any other men as I was so smitten with someone I didn't have a romantic relationship with.
It was pretty sucky sometimes and quite draining.
Eventually one of my friends asked him how he felt and he told her that he was concerned about ruining a great friendship, but I also felt that we could be missing a great something else.

After a break away from each other where we couldn't stop sending messages and calling each other we eventually started dating (6 months after our first drunken kiss)
It is now almost 16 years later and we have been married for 9 years this month with 2 kids.
For the most part it has been lovely and I'm glad that we took that step, however, like a lot of relationships we are currently on the edge of a breakdown and I don't know what the ending will be.
However, after so long, it's not about losing the great friendship we had, it's just the same as any potential breakup where you have intertwined your lives.

Original poster

orangebasin · 31/03/2022 13:25

@Vbaby86 thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry you’re almost on the edge of a breakdown. It’s so hard isn’t it, that even with real love there are no guarantees you won’t hurt each other. Life is so tricky. You’ve got to be in it to win it though and I think you will always be proud that you were

OP posts:

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