Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't know what to do...

53 replies

TeddyBearPicnic1 · 29/03/2022 22:10

Me and my partner have been together just over 5 years, own a house together and have a gorgeous DS who turned 1 a couple of weeks ago.

Tonight we've had a major argument as he's come back from work in a bad mood. All I did was ask what was wrong and he got really shitty and moody. I left him to it and didn't rise to his snide comments about how the kitchen was a mess (there was a plate left out from the meal I'd finished about 5 minutes to him getting back and the cat bowls were in the sink to be washed before I went up to bed). I asked him not to talk to me if he was going to be in a bad mood and he just started going off on one about how I'm really messy and lazy (I've been at work all day and didn't get home until 7ish and was up in the night as DS was crying and unsettled). He then started making horrible comments about how I'm obviously a rubbish Mum as DS prefers being with him and how he smiles every time my partner comes home and he just cries whenever he's with me, how I'm a horrible person and no wonder I don't have many friends where we live (I moved away from where I lived previously and had friends when we became a couple and have struggled to find new local friends due to lockdown and then having a newborn to deal with). I've got an interview tomorrow for a a different job where I'd be a much senior member of staff compared to what I am now and he's said it's not really a big deal and doesn't know why I'm bothering to even go as who knows if I'd be successful in getting the job.

I just feel so lonely and upset and don't really have anyone to turn to IRL. I'm close to my family but I know if I were to discuss this with them that they'd just say it was an argument and kind of brush it under the carpet.

OP posts:
greecedig · 29/03/2022 22:30

I'm sorry to read he's been a total knob tonight, is this 'normal' behaviour from him ?

Congratulations on getting your interview, I wish you all the luck for this tomorrow, go in there and smash this !! X

Cleanbedlinen12 · 29/03/2022 22:35

Hmm. I don’t know, but having read similar threads I’m wondering if this is deliberate behaviour to get you unsettled for your interview. Then he can keep you down trodden.

D0lphine · 29/03/2022 22:38

OP I'm so sorry you feel alone. Keep posting on here, people will answer you.

Can you try and calm down and focus on your interview tomorrow? Could you run a bath or have a glass of wine and watch something on Netflix?

I honestly think this could be controlling behaviour. He has separated you from friends and family, is calling you a shit mum and undermining your work achievements. It's not on.

NoSquirrels · 29/03/2022 22:39

Does he usually put you down? Or is this totally out of character? I’d be devastated if my DH said any of that to me, and I’d be expecting an apology before we spoke again.

Good luck for your interview. Hope you smash it! Flowers

RoyKentsChestHair · 29/03/2022 22:57

He sounds like an arsehole. It would be bad enough talking to you like that if you were a SAHM and been home all day (albeit looking after DC) but having been working all day and especially on the eve of your interview, his comments are utterly shit.

I hope you smash it at the job interview, move onwards and upwards and consider what your life would look like without this twat bringing you down.

Flowers
Weeteeny · 29/03/2022 23:09

This is awful. It's vitriolic horrible behaviour and you certainly do not deserve this. I couldn't forgive and forget these words even if I received an apology.
I agree with the poster who suggests he may be trying to lessen your chances of success at your interview. It smacks of jealousy, is he the jealous type?

Even if this is one off behaviour he needs to know this is entirely unacceptable.

However i doubt he is in a receptive mood tonight and the last thing you need is more of the same the night before an interview. Leave discussions until after.

You sound kind and clever, pick yourself up.tonight and concentrate on smashing your interview tomorrow . You can do it x

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/03/2022 23:12

He’s a nasty disgusting sexist little weasel.

But having said that, now is not the time to dwell on that. Your awesome and will ace the interview tomorrow. You just show him how big you can grow. Show the fucker.

Don’t worry about the row tonight.

Good luck! We’re rooting for you! 🍀

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/03/2022 23:12

*you’re

pog100 · 29/03/2022 23:18

This is not remotely normal it acceptable in any relationship. I honestly think you need to start to reconsider the whole relationship. Who the fuck does he think he is. Surely this isn't a one off? Even if it is, think hard

howsicklyarsekiss · 29/03/2022 23:21

He's threatened by your possible new job. Disgusting but common behaviour in men. I have been in this situation and it's basic bullying. Go get the job & assess your situation.

Keepingthingsinteresting · 29/03/2022 23:47

Good luck with the interview OP- focus on that for now and don’t let thiiis throw you off your game

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 29/03/2022 23:51

He is a nasty bastard who is trying to undermine you before your interview. Please ignore him and go in and ace it. Then come home and tell him to go fuck himself, please this is not nice or normal behaviour, and you deserve better. Good luck with the interview.

TeddyBearPicnic1 · 30/03/2022 05:51

Thanks everyone for the replies. I've managed to get a bit of sleep but think a lot of makeup is going to be needed to cover up the dark circles before the interview! He decided to sleep on the sofa so not spoken about anything and to be honest, I dont think I want to talk to him any time soon.

We've had our ups and downs throughout the relationship but things have been really good recently. I can get over some of the comments he made last night as he most probably said them in the heat of an argument but the comments about me as a Mum have really hurt me as it's already something I worry about, especially since going to work after maternity leave. I just wish I had someone I could speak to IRL who would listen to what I'm saying/ how I'm feeling

OP posts:
hattie43 · 30/03/2022 05:55

That sounds a completely unnecessary nasty reaction to him having a bad day .

A whole personality trashing of you is really unacceptable and if this becomes the norm everytime he was fed up Id be re-evaluating the relationship especially if this starts transferring to your son as he gets older .

Wiredforsound · 30/03/2022 06:15

If you get this new job will you be earning more than him? It sounds like he’s trying to sabotage this job by running you down and ‘negging’ you, throwing your insecurities at you and insulting you. This is on him, not you. This is not a nice, loving, supportive man.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 30/03/2022 06:17

Good luck in your interview. It sounds like he's jealous. What a pathetic man baby.

Livebythecoast · 30/03/2022 06:26

I'm sorry he made you feel like shit. Easier said than done I know but try to focus all your energy on your interview today.
Whether he had a bad day or not, it's not acceptable to talk to you like that.
Flowers good luck.

2DogsOnMySofa · 30/03/2022 06:35

Do arguments like this often happen before important events like interviews, big birthdays, family gatherings or birthdays?

GoodnessTruthBeauty · 30/03/2022 06:36

OP you may find calling the Samaritans helps if you have noone to talk to. They are great listeners and just getting to say this all out loud IRL may help you process it better emotionally. You can call them for any reason if you need to talk to someone.

gonnascreamsoon · 30/03/2022 06:40

So he had a bad day did he ? And so he thinks it's fine to take out all his anger and frustration on his partner ?

He's NOT a nice person, is he ?

He's either deliberately trying to sabotage your interview because he's jealous and nasty and wanted to make sure you wouldn't be at your best at the interview, or he's simply a 100% bonafide prick who thinks you should be fucking Wonder Woman and do everything for all of you all of the time, and anything short of perfection is not acceptable to him ! Hmm

Whichever it is, YOU just need to slap on make up and go and ACE this interview ! SHOW him how strong and independent you ARE !

The 'row' can be put on the back burner for today.

Good luck ! xx

Velvian · 30/03/2022 06:50

Good luck for your interview @TeddyBearPicnic1Flowers

Did you move from your area to be near him?

Whatwouldscullydo · 30/03/2022 06:58

Would you be earning more than him if you got the job?

He sounds a bit threatened to me. Like he likes having you in a position he can look down on.

Hes a dickhead. He's trying to fuck with your head so you mess up the interview.

TeddyBearPicnic1 · 30/03/2022 06:58

@Wiredforsound

If you get this new job will you be earning more than him? It sounds like he’s trying to sabotage this job by running you down and ‘negging’ you, throwing your insecurities at you and insulting you. This is on him, not you. This is not a nice, loving, supportive man.
Currently my salary is more than his basic salary but he does a lot of on call and overtime which bumps up his wages significantly. I also reduced my hours after going back after maternity leave as we'd only end up paying for an extra day at the childminders. So basically- his wages are significantly more than mine each month at the moment. The new job (if I by any miracle do get it) would increase my salary but I don't know what do yet.
OP posts:
TeddyBearPicnic1 · 30/03/2022 07:02

@Velvian

Good luck for your interview *@TeddyBearPicnic1*Flowers

Did you move from your area to be near him?

I moved from where I was living post university and where I currently work to where he grew up. So he's still living in the same place as his friends that he's known from school. It is closer to where my mum and stepdad live though which is good I suppose. The new job is where my parents currently live so at least I'd be able to see them more frequently
OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 30/03/2022 07:04

I’d suggest he’s got someone else and this is his excuse to break up, he’s blaming you.
Either way, he’d be an ex.