Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know what to do...

53 replies

TeddyBearPicnic1 · 29/03/2022 22:10

Me and my partner have been together just over 5 years, own a house together and have a gorgeous DS who turned 1 a couple of weeks ago.

Tonight we've had a major argument as he's come back from work in a bad mood. All I did was ask what was wrong and he got really shitty and moody. I left him to it and didn't rise to his snide comments about how the kitchen was a mess (there was a plate left out from the meal I'd finished about 5 minutes to him getting back and the cat bowls were in the sink to be washed before I went up to bed). I asked him not to talk to me if he was going to be in a bad mood and he just started going off on one about how I'm really messy and lazy (I've been at work all day and didn't get home until 7ish and was up in the night as DS was crying and unsettled). He then started making horrible comments about how I'm obviously a rubbish Mum as DS prefers being with him and how he smiles every time my partner comes home and he just cries whenever he's with me, how I'm a horrible person and no wonder I don't have many friends where we live (I moved away from where I lived previously and had friends when we became a couple and have struggled to find new local friends due to lockdown and then having a newborn to deal with). I've got an interview tomorrow for a a different job where I'd be a much senior member of staff compared to what I am now and he's said it's not really a big deal and doesn't know why I'm bothering to even go as who knows if I'd be successful in getting the job.

I just feel so lonely and upset and don't really have anyone to turn to IRL. I'm close to my family but I know if I were to discuss this with them that they'd just say it was an argument and kind of brush it under the carpet.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeddyBearPicnic1 · 30/03/2022 07:08

@Whatwouldscullydo

Would you be earning more than him if you got the job?

He sounds a bit threatened to me. Like he likes having you in a position he can look down on.

Hes a dickhead. He's trying to fuck with your head so you mess up the interview.

That's how it feels to me aswell. Yes he has a good job which pays well with the ability to work overtime etc. I have a good career, which I worked damn hard for at university to get my degree and have done subsequent post graduate diplomas to masters level, but it's well known to be underpaid, however I do love my job. He sees money and a good wage as important and would do whatever job pays the most, whereas I'd prefer to be doing a job that I live and know is helping people
OP posts:
Whatwouldscullydo · 30/03/2022 07:17

It does sound like the first step in trying to frame it all as your fault if things fall apart.

Men are sometimes threatened when their wives and girlfriends start heading to wards being on a more even footing. Because the reason for being in the relationship ( not being able to afford to leave ) no longer applies.

I know my ex didn't like me working. His family, my family they were pretty open about how they didn't like my job. Sometimes it felt like things at home were " done wrong" on purpose so it would make me feel I couldn't work and keep.on top of things at home. He'd moan about me doing over time when he chose to work.6 days a week meaning he never actually chose to be home with us. And God forbid I occasionally had to work a Saturday and he couldn't do his thing.

It builds resentment trust me.i should have left years before I did. Don't do this to yourself

boobot1 · 30/03/2022 07:18

He is awful.Get the new job, leave him and live a wonderful life! You don't need him.

FawnDrenched · 30/03/2022 07:22

It is abuse and that you said he has been good lately shows that he has a history of this. It is doubtful he will change but you already know this.

FTstepmum · 30/03/2022 07:28

Focus on your interview today... think of your and your DC futures. You sound like a reasonable and lovely person - those two things will take you places.

The same can't be said for the man you currently live with. Unless he demonstrates genuine remorse, the things he said and did yesterday are two clear red flags of a verbally and emotionally abuser.

Lots of love and prayers for today!

Original poster
TeddyBearPicnic1 · 30/03/2022 08:16

Thanks everyone. I've so far had the silent treatment this morning.

He's going away Friday to Monday so at least that gives me some time to think about everything and try to come to a decision about everything

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 30/03/2022 10:00

I feel for you. I’m sure you’re a very good mum. His comments are very very nasty and designed to knock your confidence

SophieSoSo · 30/03/2022 10:11

Would he be able to work so much overtime without you being at home to look after your child?

He’s disgusting, you sound like an amazing mum and I wish you all the best with your interview Flowers

D0lphine · 30/03/2022 11:41

Let us know how your interview goes! Best of luck!

billy1966 · 30/03/2022 11:55

OP,

You are in an abusive relationship.

You have moved away for this relationship and he wants you beaten down and broken.

No person who cared for you would be so utterly vicious in what they said.

Everything he said was designed to inflict maximum hurt and damage.

He is a nasty, vicious prick.

He without a doubt is threatened by this new job and has gone all out to upset and undermine you.

Please call Womens aid for a confidential chat.

This is not a good man.

This is not going to be a good healthy long term relationship.

Face up to your reality.

Get back to work fulltime and leave this abusive man.

Reach out to friends, family, anyone who will support you.

The house can be sold and you can move on with your life.

He is not in love with you.

Nobody could be, and be so vicious to a person.

Call Womens aid for advice and an ear.

Best of luck with the interview Flowers

layladomino · 30/03/2022 12:28

This man is vile.

He may have had a bad day. So what? That doesn't excuse such vile behaviour. And let's face it, if he said those things because of a bad day / bad mood, he would have raced to apologise this morning. He would have been mortified with what he said. But no, he's still giving you the silent treatment and hasn't apologised. So you can assume he stands by what he said and meant it to hurt you.

And when he knows you have an interview. What sort of a vile arse upsets their OH just before an interview? One who wants to sabotage the interview and / or just doesn't care.

The things he said are vile. They were designed to hurt you to the maximum. Criticising your parenting was intended to go straight to your weak point.

You deserve so much better. Right now - focus on that interview. Push him out of your head. Give it your best shot. Once the interview is over, I'd be thinking seriously about leaving him. It's good that you've got a few days away. Before you go, don't pander to his sulking. Be upbeat, plan some fun stuff with the children, don't tiptoe around him or beg him to talk.

Keep talking here for support. You deserve better.

Best of luck with the job!

AncrenneWisse · 30/03/2022 15:54

That’s a shocking way of speaking to you, and now he’s sleeping on the sofa and giving you the silent treatment as if he is the injured party?

I so hope you get the new job that you have worked very hard for! But your value to the family is not all about what wages you bring home. If he doesn’t get that, then I think some joint counselling is in order, so he can learn (and learn that he cannot talk to you that way without serious consequences for your relationship.)

Good luck!

Perime · 30/03/2022 15:59

Where’s he off to? Is he setting up an arguments that’s your fault so he can get up to no good?

It is abuse either way

HellToTheNope · 30/03/2022 16:03

My first thought is there's another woman. Get rid of this arsehole.

Crikeyalmighty · 30/03/2022 16:11

I would be expecting an almighty apology after that OP- if I didn’t get one I would be ‘considering my options’ — it could be one of a few things- doesn’t want you getting a better job, has been up to no good himself so is justifying his shitty behaviour to himself , or is just a grade one prick who can’t cope with a bad day and keep his emotions in check—only you know if this is something that’s happened before or isa total one off — keep your chin up lass— you sound lovely- far too nice for him

Original poster
TeddyBearPicnic1 · 30/03/2022 18:54

Thankyou every for taking the time to comment and be so lovely. I think the interview went okay- they said I should hear by the end of next week if I've been successful or not.

I went to my parents after and had a long chat with them about everything and they have been supportive.

Got home and he was nowhere to be seen so got on with doing my sons dinner and bath. He got home about 15 mins ago and has more or less co to yes ignoring apart from asking what's what dinner?! I said I wanted to take about last night and he's basically just said there's nothing to talk about as everything is fine now ConfusedSad hasn't bothered asking about how the interview went etc.

To be honest I can't wait for him to go away this weekend (he's going on a motor biking trip around wales with his friends) so I can have some space and time to think. My parents have invited me and DS to stay there on Saturday night so I won't be alone all weekend which will be nice

OP posts:
Original poster
TeddyBearPicnic1 · 30/03/2022 18:59

Continued*

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/03/2022 19:01

AngryShock his behaviour today is truly unbelievable.

Does he ever apologise? How do your arguments usually get resolved?

If he thinks you are such a bad Mum how come he is leaving you with sole care all weekend?

MadMadMadamMim · 30/03/2022 19:04

I'd be done.

He's rude, ignorant and self centred. Come on, OP - you sound intelligent, hard working and capable. You can do better than this vile creature. Leave him.

Timetoretiretospain · 30/03/2022 19:53

You do sound like a clever hard working person OP. Don’t let anyone make you feel less. Good luck to you x

Original poster
TeddyBearPicnic1 · 30/03/2022 19:53

@RandomMess

AngryShock his behaviour today is truly unbelievable.

Does he ever apologise? How do your arguments usually get resolved?

If he thinks you are such a bad Mum how come he is leaving you with sole care all weekend?

He never apologised after an argument. I try to talk about it so we can sort things out and he just says there's nothing to talk about and if I ask him a question he just responds asking me the same thing. He just expects everything to go back to how it normally is and doesn't want to discuss things.

I do 95% of the care for DS, he rarely does any of his meals, bottles, knows when he's due to have a nap, bath and bedtime etc. If it was down to him then there's be nothing suitable for him to eat in the house (DS has a dairy allergy which he's under dieticians for), there wouldn't be a supply of nappies/ wipes/ clean clothes.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 30/03/2022 19:56

Please take the weekend to pack and to get away from this nasty waster.

Well done for telling your parents.

Stop doing ANYTHING for him.

ANYTHING.

RandomMess · 30/03/2022 19:58

So everything is ok so long as you toe the line and tread on eggshells around his moods and demands?

Morechocmorechoc · 30/03/2022 20:24

You know what to do OP, he's adding nothing to your life or your sons. It's just damn hard to do it. You deserve better.

Yankeescot · 30/03/2022 21:10

OP, you deserve so much better than this! He sounds like an arse who can't handle a strong, capable woman. And tries to shake your confidence in order to make you insecure and beholden to him.

I REALLY hope you get the new job! I wish I'd seen this post yesterday, I would have been on the encouragement bandwagon so you could walk into that interview like the badass that you are!

Please keep us posted on the job. And if you get that extra bump in earnings, use them to leave this horrible man!
I hope you and your DS have a wonderful time with your Parents this weekend!