I just don't want to have sex with him

[Sexdrivezapped]

We have three young children together, the youngest is just 6 months old. Eldest has extremely challenging behaviour due to disability.

Reasons contributing to me not wanting to have sex:

I have some gynae issues

I'm completely touched out and knackered
I'm not in the best of health right now having just gotten over covid for a second time (tested positive 2 weeks ago and have lingering symptoms including something dodgy going on with my heartbeat)
I'm about 1.5 stone overweight which I'm struggling to shift as whenever I exercise since my cesarean I bleed.
I have zero sex drive and overall I just don't want to.

He's become sexually frustrated, perhaps understandably, but his slight hints and romantic gestures like running me candlelit baths (in the hope it'll put me in the mood) have progressed into what would be deemed sexual harassment if it was in any other setting. He's borderline desperate and that just puts me off more.

A kiss isn't just a kiss anymore he will grope me either between the legs or on my bottom every other time. That might be fine for people that do want sex but it isn't fine for me at the minute as it's the last thing I want.

I've been psyching myself up to just get it out the way, partly in the hope it might relight the fire so to speak and partly out of a misguided duty I feel I have to oblige if I want to keep our family together and not be left with 3 kids on my own... but the thought alone fills me with dread.

After another kiss turned grope between the legs this evening he asked whether I was in the mood and I bluntly told him that no I wasn't, I'm just not ready.

He withdrew and just walked off.

Your thoughts?

I've been there. Remember it's your body, no means no. He'll have to wait till you are ready...

I don't have any answers but just wanted to say I understand and recognise your situation.

I genuinely feel as though he's going to start looking elsewhere because he seemingly cannot live without It and I just can't offer him what he needs right now without causing myself emotional damage from having sex I don't want

I think you need to communicate how awful the groping is and it needs to stop. It sounds horrible and is just going you make you withdraw more away from him. No decent man would be ramming his hand between your legs when you've told him youre not ready

Does he know all of this? If you’ve explained to him how you feel about your body and gynae issues etc and he’s still groping and pressuring you, he’s an arsehole. He should know this, but if you haven’t outright said it to him, maybe he hasn’t realised quite how hard it is to be in your shoes. We all go through it so it’s obvious to us that childbirth and mothering generally takes a toll, but so many men miss the memo that it couldn’t hurt to sit him down and have a proper talk about it all.

Btw whether you do or don’t have sex with him, there’s zero justification for him leaving you with 3 kids. Any man who uses his wife’s very understandable lack of sexual desire to excuse his own shitty behaviour is a twat of the highest order. So please don’t have ANY sex you don’t want. It won’t solve anything and will just make you even more resentful of him. He needs to understand that it just isn’t a priority for you at the moment. You need to understand that he’s missing something and work out how to make him feel valued without debasing yourself. If he would be happy with hand stuff for example, then maybe that’s a compromise - you don’t have to use your body for his pleasure, but you can give him 5 minutes to feel connected and close to you in a way that’s meaningful to him.

It’s about give and take. In an ideal world he would just support and love you without expecting anything in return but if you want to keep your marriage in an even keel, work out what you CAN give and are happy to give to satisfy his needs, while making sure yours are met too. If candlelit baths aren’t the answer then tell him what is, but he needs to know its about making you feel loved and valued, not getting you in the mood.

I hadn't actually told him that I'm not ready until this evening, I just kept putting it off citing different reasons IE period, PMS, tired, long day with DC, not feeling great.

I felt so incredibly uncomfortable about just saying "look, I'm not ready. I'll let you know when I am" because I know what he's like, he's overly sensitive and he'd have taken it as a massive rejection of him as he couldn't possible relate or understand.

I've said it now, now I'll have his hurt feelings to contend with.

And the withdrawing and walking off when he doesn’t get sex is shit too. That needs to stop. He’s being very childish. I presume you don’t want to ltb so I won’t say it, but he’s being an arse.

@RoyKentsChestHair

Does he know all of this? If you’ve explained to him how you feel about your body and gynae issues etc and he’s still groping and pressuring you, he’s an arsehole. He should know this, but if you haven’t outright said it to him, maybe he hasn’t realised quite how hard it is to be in your shoes. We all go through it so it’s obvious to us that childbirth and mothering generally takes a toll, but so many men miss the memo that it couldn’t hurt to sit him down and have a proper talk about it all.

Btw whether you do or don’t have sex with him, there’s zero justification for him leaving you with 3 kids. Any man who uses his wife’s very understandable lack of sexual desire to excuse his own shitty behaviour is a twat of the highest order. So please don’t have ANY sex you don’t want. It won’t solve anything and will just make you even more resentful of him. He needs to understand that it just isn’t a priority for you at the moment. You need to understand that he’s missing something and work out how to make him feel valued without debasing yourself. If he would be happy with hand stuff for example, then maybe that’s a compromise - you don’t have to use your body for his pleasure, but you can give him 5 minutes to feel connected and close to you in a way that’s meaningful to him.

It’s about give and take. In an ideal world he would just support and love you without expecting anything in return but if you want to keep your marriage in an even keel, work out what you CAN give and are happy to give to satisfy his needs, while making sure yours are met too. If candlelit baths aren’t the answer then tell him what is, but he needs to know its about making you feel loved and valued, not getting you in the mood.

Thank you

I feel the same way about how me not wanting sex at the moment wouldn't be justification for him upping and leaving me with the kids. I know some people would say that it is though, and that's what worries me, because I see it on here all of the time - people saying men shouldn't be expected to stay in a sexless marriage.

I feel as though we're on shaky ground with all of this at the minute and it wouldn't take much for his eyes to wander because he'll be feeling unloved.

If he stopped with the groping and badgering I'm sure I would be OK with hand relief, if the pressure wasn't there and I felt relaxed and comfortably able to approach it myself.

I'm not sure how he would feel about just that, though. When it comes to DTD and intimacy he gets alot of satisfaction from focusing on me and I just don't want anything down there at the minute.

I think if I suggested just the hand relief he'd respond with "no its OK, it doesnt matter" and continue feeling rejected. Cutting his nose off to spite his face, so to speak.

The trouble is he sees doing stuff for you as being generous. But actually it’s more about him feeling like a hero and congratulating himself on being Mr Loverman. If he really cares about your pleasure he needs to back the fuck off!

@RoyKentsChestHair

And the withdrawing and walking off when he doesn’t get sex is shit too. That needs to stop. He’s being very childish. I presume you don’t want to ltb so I won’t say it, but he’s being an arse.

It is shit, isn't it?

It stems from embarrassment at being rejected I think.

If he had respectfully said "OK love, that's OK no pressure. Whenever you feel like it" I may have gone away and had a think about it and decided to give it a go because it has been a long time.

He doesn't help himself at all.

Occasionally I've pondered if there's something wrong with me for not wanting sex, some undiagnosed depression perhaps, but I feel fine generally. I just don't want sex.

I read somewhere that it's simple biology and women's sex drives wane after having a baby because they need to / want to focus on caring for the baby and avoiding reproduction.

Is there any logic in that do you think? It made me feel a bit better atleast

I could have written your post OP.
I don’t know what to say though. I had the same conversation, the excuses, all of it really. I even had the ‘get it out of the way’ sex. That put me off sex completely and we haven’t had sex in about four years now.

These days I feel like sex just before my period but I don’t initiate it as I don’t want sex regularly.

I know being in a non sexual relationship isn’t good for DH and he feels the lack of intimacy has knock on effects for our relationship in general.

I don’t have any advice but I do know how you feel and you’re not alone.

I hadn't actually told him that I'm not ready until this evening, I just kept putting it off citing different reasons IE period, PMS, tired, long day with DC, not feeling great.

^Maybe if you had been honest from the outset he wouldn’t have been acting the way he is.

'Deemed sexual harassment in any other setting'. It is sexual harassment in this setting too. You should be able to heal in peace without someone touching you inappropriately. A kiss should be able to be just a kiss without him trying to turn it into more. And people who love you should do nice things like run you baths without expecting some sort of payment in sexual favors.

You've told him no. If he doesn't bloody well back off until you are ready now, kick him out the door as he is a creepy bastard who cares more about getting sex than he does your comfort.

Sex is a mutual act for the enjoyment of both parties. Why would you do it if it isn't fun for you? Let alone if it's hurting you! You are not a wank sock.

Wait until you are better and feeling up to it again. And make sure he takes some of the tasks that are exhausting you in the mean time.

He isn't owed sex and he won't die if he has to go another 6 months without until you are healed. Maybe if he wasn't being so creepy he'd get the odd blow job or two in the mean time. But as is, u shouldn't touch his barge pole wit a barge poll.

@Youcansaythatagainandagain I’m in a similar situation, does you Dh not mind? Does he mention it/do you talk about it? We don’t

Honestly, I (a woman) wouldn't stay long term in a relationship where my partner didn't want to have sex with me, kids or no kids. My role as a parent and the relationship with my children is separate to the relationships with my partner. I don't owe my partner a miserable, sexless relationship just because we have children together.

It is absolutely your right not to have sex that you don't want.
It is absolutely his right to not wish to stay in a sexless relationship.

Realistically, this is something you need to discuss in depth together, and try to resolve before it tears you apart. Relationship counselling might be a good idea.

For me it was a combination of the mini pill (dead from the neck down), being unable to get out of my head because I was permanently listening out for ds, and terminal exhaustion. I never want sex if I'm ill.

That plus... sex had major drawbacks before childbirth tbh, as I never orgasmed.

I am ultimately glad we did find our way back to a sex life together. It wasn't exactly problem free though, ever.

Can you go to the pub and talk there? Ask him what he thinks he's doing when he grabs between your legs.i think he probably thinks it's a turn on for you. Be very clear that it puts you off completely and if he wants a sex life with you, it's going to have to go at your pace.

Itcanneverbesaved
DH brought it up many times in the past. These days neither of us mention it.

I felt so incredibly uncomfortable about just saying "look, I'm not ready. I'll let you know when I am" because I know what he's like, he's overly sensitive and he'd have taken it as a massive rejection of him as he couldn't possible relate or understand.

This in itself is AWFUL. You have so much going on with a new baby, physically your body doesn’t sound over it, touched out, on and on…you are absolutely not unreasonable here.

I would say you do need to communicate all this with him very clearly and honestly. However I get it if you feel he wouldn’t react kindly. I think this does need doing though, and go from there.

I know you worry about him straying but honestly if he cannot cope with supporting you through this very challenging time without having sex then honestly you’re better off without him, you’re worth so much more than that.

Is he a kind and supportive partner otherwise, does he pull his weight in the house and with the kids?

I understand where you are coming from and he is being clumsy in his approach which is not attractive. You need to stop and talk to each other . Be honest and ask the same of him. Then you need to remove sex from the agenda totally. Go back to talking/kissing/connecting and build from there at your own pace. It may come back but not while it's the elephant in the room.

Your youngest is still a baby, your oldest is disabled, honestly not wanting sex sounds completely normal.

Your husband sounds awful.

Does he pull his weight with the children? With the baby? Do you get time alone?

He will probably find if he does more you’ll be less exhausted, but for some reason men rarely reach this realisation on their own, and hassle for sex.

It's so early after the birth of your last DC! It absolutely is to do with hormones and your recovery from birth. You shouldn't feel bad at all about not feeling ready. I think when people talk on here about partners being justified in leaving sexless relationships they're talking about little to no sex for years. It's so common for a couple's sex life to be massively disrupted by the arrival of kids, especially as you have 3! It doesn't mean you'll never get it back but I think you're right in your instinct that you shouldn't force yourself to have sex you're not ready for and would feel traumatized by. That's a recipe to actually kill your sex life stone dead. I'd try to be as honest as you can with your DH and he really should understand and be patient and take the pressure off you. You've got so much to deal with! I hope that he can so that and stop guilt-tripping you about something that is beyond your control. Best wishes to you in your recovery.

Of COURSE you don't want sex, you have carried and delivered a baby only 6 months ago that you are now looking after non stop plus your other children! Your partner sounds awful. Mine was similar in a lot of ways so I don't know what the answer is (we split years later) but I do empathise.

Also, the grabbing and groping is unacceptable. That should be obvious to him but it's clearly not as he keeps doing it so I'd try to explain to him how it makes you feel.

I have been there OP. It’s awful isn’t it. In the end I just had to have a proper sit down conversation with him (when we had a spare 10 mins!) one evening and sort of explained how I felt. I went into detail about he touched out feeling and then said could he leave it for me to “come to him”. Having previously acted sulky and walking off etc like you have experienced he was much better after this and said he got it. I was also breastfeeding and my periods hadn’t even returned so I explained that obviously my body just isn’t ready! Also same with your issues re bleeding and exercise- I guess sometimes they need the (what we think are obvious) facts laid out. I think I set expectations that it might be a while yet as it’s all too much but reassured I still fancied him etc but that sex and anything (lingering kisses were a big issue here!!) we’re just not what I wanted right now. I guess just keeping that dialogue going and updating could help? Every few weeks I would be like - still not ready etc etc.
I dunno - it’s hard isn’t it. I totally get it though and then trying just turns you off even more doesn’t it!