I just don't want to have sex with him

[Sexdrivezapped]

We have three young children together, the youngest is just 6 months old. Eldest has extremely challenging behaviour due to disability.

Reasons contributing to me not wanting to have sex:

I have some gynae issues

I'm completely touched out and knackered
I'm not in the best of health right now having just gotten over covid for a second time (tested positive 2 weeks ago and have lingering symptoms including something dodgy going on with my heartbeat)
I'm about 1.5 stone overweight which I'm struggling to shift as whenever I exercise since my cesarean I bleed.
I have zero sex drive and overall I just don't want to.

He's become sexually frustrated, perhaps understandably, but his slight hints and romantic gestures like running me candlelit baths (in the hope it'll put me in the mood) have progressed into what would be deemed sexual harassment if it was in any other setting. He's borderline desperate and that just puts me off more.

A kiss isn't just a kiss anymore he will grope me either between the legs or on my bottom every other time. That might be fine for people that do want sex but it isn't fine for me at the minute as it's the last thing I want.

I've been psyching myself up to just get it out the way, partly in the hope it might relight the fire so to speak and partly out of a misguided duty I feel I have to oblige if I want to keep our family together and not be left with 3 kids on my own... but the thought alone fills me with dread.

After another kiss turned grope between the legs this evening he asked whether I was in the mood and I bluntly told him that no I wasn't, I'm just not ready.

He withdrew and just walked off.

Your thoughts?

I think these feelings are very very common in women with kids and everything that goes with that.
No answers really but sympathy.

You need to just tell him the truth. If he knows, he might stop?
I wasn't ready until breastfeeding eased off and my period came back. We only started having regular sex again when my DS was 14 months old. I had zero sex drive and I was never pressured. If your husband does look elsewhere that is not on you, that's on him.

Just wanted to say you are not alone. I have felt a very similar way for a few years. After 5 children (one disabled) I have just lost all interest. I try every week or so and generally actually find I enjoy it once we are DTD but the thought is just so exhausting. I wish I had answers

I was once told that it takes at least 2 years after a baby for a woman's sex drive to return to normal and that has absolutely been the case for me. - my older boys are only 2 years apart and I swear I went 5 years not bothered about it at all, then suddenly I was keen again. Oops completely normal to not want to and he needs to grasp that (and not you!)

Feel your pressure and sadness. It’s horrible when you’re reluctant to have any physical contact with your partner because any gesture of affection is taken as an opportunity to grope you. I never understood why my issues with being intimate with my ex when we had so many other problems were trumped by him just being horny. You need to explain to him how you’re feeling and what you’re dealing with in the same articulate way you’ve explained to us. He needs to understand that you need support and emotional closeness until you’re ready for physical closeness. This isn’t forever

The problem with having sex you don't really want, is maybe it might be ok and you'll get into it, but maybe (more likely) you wont. So you'll be having coerced sex that you don't want, which is a form of rape, with your supposed life partner. And it will feel like what it is, and relationships don't recover from that. So you need to have a frank conversation with him and explain the pressure is making it even less desirable for you. He needs to back off until you feel recovered at which point you will come to him.

I hope it works out for you OP. As many women get older and the exhausting demands of family life I can see why sex is the last thing on your mind.
I would like a partner but wouldn't want to be pestered into having sex or guilt tripped.
I think the amount of women who are truly happy with their family/work/partner/ sex life may be quite small...
I think we're often sold a dream of a life that rarely exists and we sometimes end up making many compromises and living a life that leaves us frustrated and unhappy.

I'm sorry that some of you are in/have been in the same position, but thank you for telling me I'm not alone.

As I predicted he was feeling hurt and rejected, I seized the moment to open up a dialogue and I said pretty much exactly what I wrote here.

RE the groping, he said its his clumsy way of letting me know that he finds me attractive and is still interested in me sexually. He hoped I might find it alluring. I told him that if anything it just makes intimacy less likely as it makes me feel pressurised, as though he's letting me know what the expectation is. He said he didn't mean for it to come across that way. So that's that out of the way.

I posed the suggestion given by PP, that we work towards a compromise where I 'give him a hand' to begin with and we slowly work up to more when I'm ready. I explained that I just don't feel comfortable having him down there at the minute but I'd be fine with concentrating on him.

I feel like that went completely over his head as he said "so can I do the same for you, at the same time"

I reiterated that I just didn't want to be touched down below at the minute, I'm not comfortable with my body / intimate area.

I touched on the baby weight that I'm struggling with and how my body has changed with having three children close together. He said he still finds me as attractive now as he did when we met, which is lovely to hear but I don't think he really grasps that it's not about what he thinks, its about how I feel.

If you're bleeding every time you exercise 6 months on from a cesarean you definitely need a referral to a gynaecologist. You are quite possibly low in iron , uncomfortable suffering from post covid symptoms and looking after 3 young children. I'd be amazed if you were in the mood to be intimate. Don't panic about your DH developing wandering eyes just yet. You do need to let him know how you're feeling and possibly he might take you up on your kind offer. Even that much intimacy now and then might reassure him that he hasn't "lost " you to your children. I know, I was amazed when I found out some men think like that and even resent their children somewhere in the depths of their primitive hind brain. Please do make an appointment to get yourself some care. You have a very demanding life and you need as much strength as you can muster

In my experience, you can't get a sex life back in track with a manchild partner who sulks and gropes and puts pressure on you like a form of blackmail.

Amazingly, my sex drive came back when I divorced.

Yes, sexless relationship is no good for marriage but it'll stay sexless the way he's going about it or else you'll feel you must when you really don't want to and that will kill it too.

Gosh I'm so relieved to read these comments. I sometimes wondered whether it was just me.

for you all

Ah, I remember that stage so well! I remember thinking “there are zero female animals that have sex while also mothering an infant, but somehow female humans are expected to be as horny as they were before they were mothers.” Is ridiculous. Especially if, like most women, you’re disappointed in your DH’s parenting and housework skills. And the groping yuk I’ve had that and I hate that. Strange how a husband who wants sex forgets all the stuff he learned when dating. Imagine if you groped someone on a date.

Anyway. I don’t have any advice apart from the fact that most marriages go a bit shit when the children are small, if you care enough and communicate with each other you’ll get through it.

Also, frustrated men become grumpy and horrible to be around. If you want to stay married to him, try the occasional blow job😬

Does he pull his weight with the children? With the baby? Do you get time alone?

Yes he does and I have started to get some time alone now I'm no longer BF. I meet my best friend for dinner once a month and if I want to do something for myself of a weekend he encourages me to go ahead and do it, whilst he has the kids.

@Thewindwhispers

Ah, I remember that stage so well! I remember thinking “there are zero female animals that have sex while also mothering an infant, but somehow female humans are expected to be as horny as they were before they were mothers.” Is ridiculous. Especially if, like most women, you’re disappointed in your DH’s parenting and housework skills. And the groping yuk I’ve had that and I hate that. Strange how a husband who wants sex forgets all the stuff he learned when dating. Imagine if you groped someone on a date.

Anyway. I don’t have any advice apart from the fact that most marriages go a bit shit when the children are small, if you care enough and communicate with each other you’ll get through it.

Also, frustrated men become grumpy and horrible to be around. If you want to stay married to him, try the occasional blow job😬

This made me chuckle, your first paragraph is spot on

The thought of a hand/blow job doesn't fill me with dread the way sex does, so I think that's a good compromise

I'm glad you spoke to him and explained how you are feeling. I've been where you are - and still not fully out of it 9 years on tbh - and it becomes an escalating, vicious circle if you don't speak about it and potentially remind him about it. For me, I realised one day that I would no longer even sit on the same sofa as DH - let alone give him a cuddle or a quick kiss on the cheek - as he'd immediately take that as a sign I wanted sex when nothing could be further from the truth.

He didn't understand why I'd pull away the minute he tried to hug or kiss me but that was because if I didn't, I'd get groped within seconds. I felt like a piece of meat.

I eventually spoke to him about it and, with a few reminders (he initially seemed to think that after 2 weeks of him not doing this, all would be well!) it got a lot better. We still don't have sex as often as he'd like, but we do have it. And we have a lot more of the every day intimacy of a kiss and a cuddle, mostly without me getting felt up. Keep the communication going and you'll get through this, it will just take time.

I was in your dh s situation in my relationship (though hopefully without getting quite so ick). It's good you've told him how you feel. I felt rejected when dw didn't want physical intimacy - finally talking about it really helped realise that its not a case of me being rejected or her not fancying me or whatnot, but quite how being tired and touched out feels. We had ended up not cuddling etc because she'd assume I'd want to go further and that actually hurt way more than a bit of frustration! Especially if he's always been someone who has seen physical affection as part of his 'language of love'. Making open quite how much roaming hands turns you off / creeps you out is good, I doubt he realises (ok, he probably should have worked it out already but maybe hasn't).

You don't owe him sex and he is being a prat at best, but he might be seeing not wanting sex as an emotional rejection, and talking might help him realise that its not. You still love him, still find him attractive and like spending time with him (hopefully) even if you aren't physically up for anything!

Thank you for the advice and perspective ladies (and gent) I appreciate your replies, to know I'm not alone and the suggestions on how to make things better.

I can definitely relate to the references above about pulling away from his attempts of intimacy, when the kisses linger for too long or when his hands start to wander. I feel so sorry for him afterwards but in the moment all I can think about is getting away because the thought of sex or being touched up down there just fills me with anxiety.

I did a search for similar topics and came across this thread from a few years ago. The OP, like me, was getting tired of all the sex pestering and it had escalated to the point she felt weird about telling him she was going to have a shower as he'd always try to turn that into an opportunity for sex.

Read the replies she got.

Some woman told her she shouldn't make him wait for more than 3 days and suggested she implement the 3 day rule that her mother lived by during her marriage, so basically have sex she doesn't want.

Then this one, see pixture attarched

This bloke has been with his wife for decades and brazenly admits to sexually molesting her, but its alright because that's better than him not being attracted to her.

Thank god I have received such understanding posts here tonight as I may have lost faith in humanity.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2755454-Why-is-he-sex-obsessed

I am going to say what i wish someone had said to me. You don't have to have sex if you don't want to. Ever.

That's a tough thing to say but it's important. It might ultimately mean your relationship can't continue. But better that than you having sex you don't want just to stop him sulking.

In my experience when you don't want to/can't have sex, it can be a relationship saver to give him relief in other ways. You don't need to have sex.

Overall you need to talk about it or resentment will build up on both sides

I’m sorry your going through so much at the moment @Sexdrivezapped 💐As someone suggested, try to book a gynae appointment- I doubt it’s normal to bleed after exercising. No wonder you don’t want to have sex.

However

I think PPs should cut your DH a bit of slack.
Yes, the “gripping” it’s not appropriate at the moment, but I’m assuming your DH is only doing what worked in the past? People initiate sex in different ways, so if that’s what you two used to do, no wonder he tries it again, hoping it works.

Also, he might come across as insensitive, but up until now you really didn’t have the conversation about how you feel about being intimate.
How could he know?

I’m coming from the other side as I was your DH in my previous relationship. And I felt incredibly rejected, unwanted and that he didn’t love me anymore (which was actually true).
He never disclosed to me why he didn’t want to be intimate, just fed me different excuses… it was getting me so down, I’ve found myself crying to sleep many times. So after just over a year of this, I had to leave.

( Also, I can’t remember how many times I’ve ready on mumsnet that life too short for living in a sexless marriage. )

I understand how difficult it is to be in the mood with all that you’ve got going on @Sexdrivezapped but I also got a pretty good idea what your DH must feel. You really need to be as honest as possible with him and maybe ensure him that you also want to resume your sex life?

What really killed my relationship was my ex just expecting me to accept the fact that our sex life is over, and there’s nothing to be done about it.

Ewww that screenshot with the “mr average” who stares at his wife’s boobs and bum and gropes her! I sincerely hope he’s mr single now, for her sake.

OP the groping sounds so unsexy and unsubtle and your DH sounds like he just doesn’t get it at all.

@drpet49

*I hadn't actually told him that I'm not ready until this evening, I just kept putting it off citing different reasons IE period, PMS, tired, long day with DC, not feeling great.*

^Maybe if you had been honest from the outset he wouldn’t have been acting the way he is.

I agree with this. I really feel for you but I do think you and your partner have a communication issue. He isn’t a mind reader and while you are feeling low he is also probably feeling unloved and rejected. If you just sit down and talk about it you might find a compromise with different ways of being intimate - even if it’s just cuddling without pressure

Sex is one area where you must have clear, unambiguous, regular and honest communication. I am not blaming you at all, but the fact you hadn't raised this with him until the other day won't have helped either of you. If he gets upset, he gets upset - as you have found out, the alternative of not saying anything is much worse.

That being said his groping is not acceptable at all

The last sex I had with my DH was at my instigation, in the hope it would relight the fire. It didn’t. I knew from the beginning that it was a mistake, but went through with it.
You both need to talk and take sex off the table until you can get yourself straight. If he won’t do that you need to consider if he loves you and wants to sort your relationship long term , or if he just wants to stick his willy in you.

@GoIntoTheLight

Ewww that screenshot with the “mr average” who stares at his wife’s boobs and bum and gropes her! I sincerely hope he’s mr single now, for her sake.

OP the groping sounds so unsexy and unsubtle and your DH sounds like he just doesn’t get it at all.

Horrifying. Reminds me a bit of the sex board here - it's full of usernames like 'JustAnotherGuy' , 'AverageGuy', 'MrGrumpy' etc filling up threads and most likely sliding into the DMs of the posters