I just don't want to have sex with him

[Sexdrivezapped]

We have three young children together, the youngest is just 6 months old. Eldest has extremely challenging behaviour due to disability.

Reasons contributing to me not wanting to have sex:

I have some gynae issues

I'm completely touched out and knackered
I'm not in the best of health right now having just gotten over covid for a second time (tested positive 2 weeks ago and have lingering symptoms including something dodgy going on with my heartbeat)
I'm about 1.5 stone overweight which I'm struggling to shift as whenever I exercise since my cesarean I bleed.
I have zero sex drive and overall I just don't want to.

He's become sexually frustrated, perhaps understandably, but his slight hints and romantic gestures like running me candlelit baths (in the hope it'll put me in the mood) have progressed into what would be deemed sexual harassment if it was in any other setting. He's borderline desperate and that just puts me off more.

A kiss isn't just a kiss anymore he will grope me either between the legs or on my bottom every other time. That might be fine for people that do want sex but it isn't fine for me at the minute as it's the last thing I want.

I've been psyching myself up to just get it out the way, partly in the hope it might relight the fire so to speak and partly out of a misguided duty I feel I have to oblige if I want to keep our family together and not be left with 3 kids on my own... but the thought alone fills me with dread.

After another kiss turned grope between the legs this evening he asked whether I was in the mood and I bluntly told him that no I wasn't, I'm just not ready.

He withdrew and just walked off.

Your thoughts?

OP it's really good that you started the dialogue. I know it can be awkward but communication is so important in these situations.

Making excuses every time he tries to initiate sex only makes things worse. From his perspective, he's just being rejected every time - which is an awful place to be because you don't know if there's a bigger-picture issue or what it is, and it's easy to leap to the assumption that the problem is that you aren't attracted to him or don't love him any more.

And he's attempting to fix that by trying to make you feel attractive, and going about it in a very cack-handed (literally!) way with the groping. In other words he's trying to fix the problem without knowing what the problem is (and inadvertently making it worse).

Being touched out isn't a problem he can diagnose without being told. I'm a child-free woman and I honestly didn't know or think about that being an issue until I read about it. Of course it makes sense but it's not reasonable to expect people who don't experience it to get it without being told.

But I do know that if there's a reason, in a long-term relationship, that you're much less up for sex than you were before, you need to communicate with your partner - not hide it from them, or second-guess that they won't understand. It's as simple as reassuring them that the problem isn't about them. Once you're both on the same page you can go forwards together, whether that's about finding a compromise (sexual contact that isn't PIV intercourse etc) or simply being patient. Once you're on the same page you can also expect your partner to be understanding and to give you whatever space you need - if he has all the information and still pesters you, that's a bigger problem.

And communication is an ongoing process. You've had one conversation and it's been productive in some ways but you feel he doesn't get it in others. Don't be afraid to repeat yourself and to emphasise things that went over his head. Don't be afraid to be more direct.

@Sexdrivezapped

I hadn't actually told him that I'm not ready until this evening, I just kept putting it off citing different reasons IE period, PMS, tired, long day with DC, not feeling great.

I felt so incredibly uncomfortable about just saying "look, I'm not ready. I'll let you know when I am" because I know what he's like, he's overly sensitive and he'd have taken it as a massive rejection of him as he couldn't possible relate or understand.

I've said it now, now I'll have his hurt feelings to contend with.

You really need to talk to him and explain why you don’t want sex at the moment. Of course he’s feeling rejected, that’s because you are rejecting him and he’s not understanding any of the reasons why.

It might me obvious to you, and many of the women who will be reading this, but unless you explain it to him he’s not going to suddenly get it. Most men don’t understand the concept of feeling touched out, for example. And don’t forget my MN is full of chats where people are saying they were ready for sex agate a few weeks as well as chats where people aren’t ready for years. There is no normal on this so don’t leave him to guess.

What isn’t normal though is bleeding after exercise 6 months after a c section. Please do see a doctor about this.

And talk to your husband! Give him the chance to take it all on board.