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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married less than a year and considering ending it. Where does this leave me?

90 replies

Intorainbowvalley · 29/03/2022 17:45

As the title says really, one child who is 1.

The main problem I can foresee is cost, as it stands we live in one house and have another (BTL) which was mine before I moved in here. I would like to move into the BTL, will make no claim on this house etc.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Robin843 · 29/03/2022 20:29

I don't know your situation, obviously, and you haven't given any details, but I'll just say that I considered divorcing my husband within the first year of marrying him. We worked on it, it was tough going for a while, but we've been married 35 years now and have had a largely happy and successful marriage. My MIL said at the time "I wouldn't want to live the first year of anyone's marriage". It's a time of enormous change and readjustment (and yes we were living together before we married).

I do worry when posters say "you deserve to be happy" "everyone has a right to be happy" etc. Nobody is happy 100% of the time. Obviously if there is abuse or infidelity then that's a total game changer, but marriage takes commitment.

A lovely, long departed, friend of mine, who had 3 husbands, once reflected (when her 3rd marriage failed) that there was basically nothing really wrong with her first marriage, she was just bored.

Look, ending your marriage may be the best thing to do, but just don't rush into anything, is all I'm saying.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/03/2022 20:29

Ideally I’d just vanish.

Are you depressed OP? Have you spoken to a doctor?

NoSquirrels · 29/03/2022 20:32

Ideally I’d just vanish.

I know this feeling. But it’s like Going On A Bear Hunt … we can’t go under it, we can’t go over it, we’ll have to go through it. Regardless of whether the solution is splitting to make things better or staying and working at making things better.

More Flowers.

Original poster
Intorainbowvalley · 29/03/2022 20:34

Thanks @Robin843. It’s interesting to know someone else has been here.

It’s not boredom at all. Problems have been building since lockdown but are starting to permeate so much in my life it’s making me miserable.

OP posts:
Jaxinthebox · 29/03/2022 20:42

Im sorry you are not happy, but have you told your husband how you feel (if you are safe) have you spoken to anyone in real life?

Is this a sudden change in how you feel about him/marriage/motherhood?

I remember that feeling of just wanting to vanish - its a horrible feeling. I wish you well.

Original poster
Intorainbowvalley · 29/03/2022 20:43

No, there is no point, which is the main reason I wish to walk away.

OP posts:
Greatoutdoors · 29/03/2022 20:48

I think in the case of a short marriage the court looks to get you back to where you were before you got married, so they look at what you brought to the matrimonial pot. Obviously having a DC will affect that.
Is strongly suggest getting some sound legal advice though as you obviously had a child before you got married, so that may factor in.

Original poster
Intorainbowvalley · 29/03/2022 20:51

Yeah, I think if I can’t avoid solicitors I might as well plod on, tbh. Ideally I’d just want to amicably draw a line and that was probably never realistic given that there would be some very hurt feelings, but one can dream.

OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 29/03/2022 20:54

How long were you together pre marriage? This can matter in court in relation to asset splits.

How much equity is in the BTL and how much in the family home? It could be argued that the BTL was intended to be a family asset given you had his name added to the title. If his house has similar equity in it to the BTL then it's likely you can just take one each as it were, if BTL equity is much higher then he may try to claim some of that.

What about pensions or cars? You said no other assets, not sure if you thought of pensions?

NoSquirrels · 29/03/2022 21:04

So do you think your husband wouldn’t agree to just separate and put assets back to what they were pre-marriage/moving in?

And that you’d rather be miserable long term than have that discussion if it ended up needing a solicitor to negotiate?

Original poster
Intorainbowvalley · 29/03/2022 21:06

He might well do. I don’t know. The fact is though I’ll be dealing with him one way or another for pretty much the rest of my life.

OP posts:
Jaxinthebox · 29/03/2022 21:07

OP you sound so low.

Original poster
Intorainbowvalley · 29/03/2022 21:08

I am pretty fed up, tbh.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 29/03/2022 21:14

@Intorainbowvalley

He might well do. I don’t know. The fact is though I’ll be dealing with him one way or another for pretty much the rest of my life.
Well, yes, unfortunately you will, because you had a child with him. But if you end the relationship you eventually won't have to live with him or deal with him apart from to make arrangements from your child (and the older they get, the easier it will get).

You sound very downhearted indeed and not really open to all the practical advice on here. Would counselling help at all? (For yourself and not couple's counselling, as you say there's no point working on the marriage.)

Original poster
Intorainbowvalley · 29/03/2022 21:19

I’m not really into counselling, but thanks. Sorry if I do sound not open to advice - just really don’t wish to involve solicitors and am fed up this evening.

OP posts:
SQLserved · 29/03/2022 21:29

I hope this doesn’t sound like I am invalidating your feelings, but is there a chance you have postnatal depression?

What has changed in the last 2 months since you got married?

Mossstitch · 29/03/2022 21:31

You don't have to involve solicitors to separate and even sort out the names on house deeds is fairly simple (called transfer of title, I did it with mine few months after separating and years before divorce) but you will have to talk to your husband op, then you decide if solicitor required based on his reaction! 💐

Original poster
Intorainbowvalley · 29/03/2022 21:31

We have a difficult living situation (well, difficult for me, not him.) I thought this would change but it would appear not. The thought of living like this for the rest of my life depressed me. But I don’t feel that I have a choice.

OP posts:
2DogsOnMySofa · 29/03/2022 21:35

I could have written your post myself a fair few years ago. Get yourself to a solicitor and kick off the divorce, your solicitor will be able to tell you what you can and can't do. Myself and my exdh agreed I'd have the rental and he'd stay in the marital home. We didn't touch each other's pensions and had a fairly equal split of savings so just kept what we had.

LuluBlakey1 · 29/03/2022 21:40

Hard to know unless we know what:
a) The value of your BTL is
b) How much equity is in your current house.

For example:
a)If BTL is paid off and valued at £300,000- he is entitled to £150,000
b)If equity in current house is £80,000 - why would he agree to forgo his share in BTL for you to forgo yours in this equity? He'd be losing £110,000.

Perhaps there is a negotiation to be had about child maintenance - that would balance that in some way but I think the property equities are the key to how straightforward it might be.

comfortablyfrumpy · 29/03/2022 21:46

@LuluBlakey1

Hard to know unless we know what: a) The value of your BTL is b) How much equity is in your current house.

For example:
a)If BTL is paid off and valued at £300,000- he is entitled to £150,000
b)If equity in current house is £80,000 - why would he agree to forgo his share in BTL for you to forgo yours in this equity? He'd be losing £110,000.

Perhaps there is a negotiation to be had about child maintenance - that would balance that in some way but I think the property equities are the key to how straightforward it might be.

I think the assumption that he would be entitled to half of the BTL might not be correct - it does depend on the length of the marriage (and cohabitation prior would be taken into account).

OP I do think you need to get some legal advice. Why not just get an initial appointment with a solicitor (some will do this as a fixed fee) and find out where you stand.

cornflakedreams · 29/03/2022 21:46

Of course you have a choice. You have lots of choices.

Going through a temporary period of toughness to achieve a long term goal like exiting the marriage isn't the same as something being impossible.

Even if you are too soon to divorce you can still separate, move out, start moving your life forward.

You also don't have to use a solicitor for the whole divorce - you could simply obtain initial legal advice on your circumstances to empower you to make the best decisions for your life. As others have said, you wouldn't necessarily need to pay for advice.

SorrySadDog · 29/03/2022 21:47

Sorry didn't read everything, I did see someone advise to serve a section 21 - wrong notice to serve, it's section 8 if you want to move back in

Twizbe · 29/03/2022 21:52

I feel there is a lot more going on here.

What's the living situation? Why are you so hesitant to at least speak to a solicitor?

Have you spoken to your doctor about how you feel?

Hollywolly1 · 29/03/2022 21:55

@Intorainbowvalley
You say a difficult living arrangement, can it be changed and if 7t can would it help save your marriage
Are you living with your mil,not mil bashing or anything but it cud be a very challenging situation

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