Married less than a year and considering ending it. Where does this leave me?

[Intorainbowvalley]

As the title says really, one child who is 1.

The main problem I can foresee is cost, as it stands we live in one house and have another (BTL) which was mine before I moved in here. I would like to move into the BTL, will make no claim on this house etc.

Any advice?

It’s quite sad to read this as I can’t help but think you were probably sitting this time last year, super excited and planning the final bits to your wedding and now you are considering divorce?

Well, yes …

Is the equity in the mortgaged house worth the same as your house? Just wondering if your DH will be entitled to half of your house while you will only be entitled to half the equity of his?

Definitely serve notice on your tenant if you're absolutely sure that's what you want to do.

I wish you well OP, it's sad, but when you know, you know.

You need to contact a solicitor OP, it's sounds like you are in a very vulnerable position. Why on earth aren't you on the deeds for the house you currently live in? Did you contribute towards the deposit? Do you pay towards the mortgage / bills? Why did you put him on the deeds for the house that you owned before him?

@WhatIsThisPlease haha no, quite a significant difference, mine is far cheaper.

I didn’t know him when he bought this house. I put him on the deeds for mine as we were going to remortgage and buy somewhere else together, but that won’t happen now. My main concern is DC

The most important thing is is that you move out you move into your house, stop contributing to his and start rebuilding your life ASAP. I’m actually quite secretly proud of you because I found myself in exactly the scenario that you’re in my ex-husband cheated for the first time when I was seven months pregnant, eight months after our wedding and dumbo here stuck it out for another 10 years. I actually owned my own house which was rented out as well if I’d of grabbed the bull by the horns, moved out, id be mortgage free now and a lot a lot happier

Well at least financially there shouldn't be any complications.

How do you think your DH will take the news? Is he good with your DC?

It's very far from ideal but if you think it's the right decision then I'm sure in the long run your DC will be better off.

How old is dc?

A year

I really think you need to speak to a solicitor. That sounds less than straightforward. Why aren't you keen?

Just that whenever I’ve had dealings with solicitors they have done very little for very much. I will probably get flamed by any solicitors on here but that has been my experience.

I know someone who ended their marriage 2 weeks after the wedding and someone who ended the marriage 1 day after the wedding - both times they found out the husband had been cheating and refused to be treated like crap.

If you’re not happy, you’re not happy and many people would stay in a marriage purely out of embarrassment that it hasn’t lasted long. I admire you for putting yourself first.

If you tell him will it turn nasty?
Obviously he’ll be upset but if you have two houses it will hopefully be amicable split.

How far away is the BTL home?
Obviously it depends on both of your working hours but you could go for he has the baby EOW and then picks her up from nursery 2/3 days a week until bedtime.

I think the baby is going to more issues than the houses.

Are your two houses in the same location - will co-parenting work easily?

It’s the co-parenting side of things that will be more complicated than the housing, it seems. If you’ve only been married a year, then you’re likely to not have great claims on each other, which keeps that simple. So start thinking about how childcare & parenting will work.

Yeah I don’t care about the house … it’ll come as a shock to everyone but the thought of living like this for the rest of my life makes me so miserable.

No one should be miserable for the rest of their life.

@Intorainbowvalley

Yeah I don’t care about the house … it’ll come as a shock to everyone but the thought of living like this for the rest of my life makes me so miserable.

Presumably this has been on your mind a while, and that you've tried to work at the marriage.

If this is the case, then I admire you for recognising that you need to prioritise your happiness (and your DC's obviously).

I wouldn't rush into anything. I'd research your situation thoroughly and see if anyone you trust can recommend a solicitor.

I don't think you should proceed without legal advice.

Are you able to work out a budget for being a single parent in your BTL property?

No mortgage is good. If you lived there before presumably you have an idea of bills etc.?
Childcare costs is a big one. If you have 50-50 custody then childcare fees should be split 50-50. If you have something more like majority custody to you, then he needs to pay maintenance, out of which you’d pay childcare. Both ways have their issues, so think it through now.

Have a look at the EntitledTo benefits calculator to see if you’d be eligible for anything.

Before a solicitor you might look into counselling with Relate to make splitting up mutually acceptable and talk through all scenarios for next 18 plus years as co-parenting will tie you together. Depends on how communication between you is and if a third party will be helpful.

I can see splitting as potentially more stress to be honest.

@Intorainbowvalley

I can see splitting as potentially more stress to be honest.

Short term it definitely will be. No way around that really.

So depends if you feel your marriage has unsolvable issues in the long-term.

Either way it’s short to medium term stress because you’ll still have to work to address issues if you stay.

You can only decide which stress is worth it in the long run.

You say you don't trust solicitors but you really do need some legal advice right now. You have already got in a bit of a mess by the sound of things if you allowed him on the deeds to your house but he didn't reciprocate?

You're best to speak to a solicitor as both properties are in both names and as you are married they are marital assets.

What kind of tenancy do your tenants have; fixed term or periodic? You can issue a Section 21 notice but only if it's periodic or if it's approaching the end of the fixed term.

You may wish to avoid spending lots of money on solicitors but it would certainly be wise to get some initial legal advice, even if you don't want to do the whole thing through solicitors. Contact your local Citizens Advice as they should know about local law clinics and solicitors offering a free initial consultation. Also look at the Advicenow website as they have very helpful detailed guides about all aspects of separation and divorce. They also have a low cost legal advice service I think.

Arm yourself with information and think about what you would like to propose before you tell your husband that you want to separate. He will obviously need time to process it but it will be easier for him if you're reasonably clear about what you want. It would probably be helpful to do mediation, this is less costly than doing it all through solicitors and should help you agree on things, but if you are not able to agree in mediation you'll have to go the legal route.

It doesn't matter that your name isn't on the deeds/mortgage of the marital home, by the way. As you're married, you have the legal right to live there. You might also be entitled to some of the equity, but this depends on the whole financial picture.

Although it's a short marriage, presumably you have been in a relationship for considerably longer? at least 21 months, since you have a 1 year old?

@forcedfun it’s not really a mess tbh.

Ideally I’d just vanish. That of course won’t happen. But I think solicitors will take money we realistically don’t have.

The relationship has been longer of course, but only technically been married a couple of months.

You don't need a solicitor to file for divorce. If you can amicably arrange your finances and child custody you can avoid one all together but most people need help to file the consent order (I'm paying £99 for mine but we had to sort everything first, this is just for them to make it official by putting it on headed notepaper).

But you need to talk, it's very quick to be throwing in the towel. You cannot file until at least one year