Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Both under 40, our relationship is deficient of sex because of ED

55 replies

SummersBreeze · 29/03/2022 17:28

It was about 3 years ago when I noticed the relationship I had with my fiance was drying up in sex. We weren't all that regular to begin with. It was once or twice a month when we first started dating. Then 3 years ago, we were newly engaged and I noticed the sex between us was drying up. It went to once every 2/3/4 months.

Every the we tried to have sex was dreadful because he wasn't able to maintain an erection for intercourse and he would have to finish himself off with masturbation. It was brutal to be honest.

The year 2020, we had sex once.
Last year we attempted twice but really there was nothing.

I hate this. I am at a crossroads now with him. He won't go to the doctor. He knows he's useless in the sack and he makes up for it in other ways. We are like soul mates. We have so much in common. One of my only issues now is the lack of sex. It's a huge elephant in the room. We don't have a sex life any more and without it I think we are like frIends or siblings.

Theres something else I am not happy with. When we started dating he said he never worked on Sundays and from the start we always made Sundays our day. Then last year he found a new job working Sundays and we have limited time together. We are working different schedules and times. We manage to get small pieces of time a week but that's it. Life between us is all work and no play. We are having some lovely Spring time weather lately. I was making a list of things I would like to do this summer and places to visit and I realized that our times and schedules are clashing and I might as well be single because I will be doing these things alone or with other mates. Not with him.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/03/2022 17:39

You will end up in a sexless marriage if you marry this man. Is this what you want out of a relationship or marriage, I would think not. But what are you getting out of this relationship now?. You're certainly not soulmates so why would you describe yourselves as such?.

What is the point of you and he being together now?. What is keeping you with this man?.

He is being dishonest both to himself and to you by not at all wanting to address the problem by seeing a doctor or sex therapist. Such men have huge problems relating to and with intimacy (porn may have played a part here) and its not going to go away. Its always been a feature of your relationship.

You have a choice re him and its up to you whether you want to stay with him or not. And I would not.

Gowithme · 29/03/2022 18:13

Can't he just go to the chemist and buy that stuff that's always advertised on tv - connect or reconnect or something? Alternatively can he just order online through Lloyds?
onlinedoctor.lloydspharmacy.com/uk/erectile-dysfunction

EatsQuorn · 29/03/2022 18:18

We are over your age and my dh has ed in 8/10 times. Sex has dwindled to perhaps once every 6 weeks or so . His is due to medication for heart disease and blood pressure, so I am disappointed but understand the reason why. Does your partner know what triggers his ? Does he do other things to bring you to orgasm ? I would worry if he does not bother .

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 29/03/2022 18:22

If you only had sex a couple of times a month th when you first got together I would suggest he's not that into sex at all, so probably wouldn't care about getting Viagra
Is he asexual?

YRGAM · 29/03/2022 18:24

The tone of your message doesn't suggest you're soulmates. In fact there is an overpowering subtext of resentment and even naked dislike. 'Useless in the sack', even though it appears to be true, is a horrible thing to say about someone.

I would end it and allow yourselves to find partners who actually like you

Shunter350 · 29/03/2022 18:32

I was in a near sexless marriage for 25 years.
And that was a huge contribution ( but not the only one ) to my MH problems.
For many people sex just isn't important but for many of us it can be the glue that holds us in an emotional bond.
Think carefully about what you want in the future

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 29/03/2022 18:34

If is under 40 and has ED that’s a massive red flag for early heart disease, pulmonary hypertension or narrowing of the arteries.

As other suggest, get some viagra connect from boots and see what happens

Original poster
SummersBreeze · 29/03/2022 18:44

@EatsQuorn

We are over your age and my dh has ed in 8/10 times. Sex has dwindled to perhaps once every 6 weeks or so . His is due to medication for heart disease and blood pressure, so I am disappointed but understand the reason why. Does your partner know what triggers his ? Does he do other things to bring you to orgasm ? I would worry if he does not bother .
I got him to the doctor last year for blood tests to establish if he has a family run condition but tests came back negative for that. I don't know what the status is of his other blood work. Unfortunately there's no other sexual chemistry. He has a bad case of gum disease with spontaneous bleeding so I am not comfortable receiving oral from him. There's no other play.
OP posts:
MintJulia · 29/03/2022 18:45

Could he be organising his work to avoid spending time with you?

Your partner needs to go to his GP for his own health, as well as for your relationship.

ED can be a sign of heart or other problems, it could be related to excessive use of porn, it could be lots of things. He also needs to understand a relationship without sex is unlikely to make you happy at your age.

Original poster
SummersBreeze · 29/03/2022 18:46

@YRGAM

The tone of your message doesn't suggest you're soulmates. In fact there is an overpowering subtext of resentment and even naked dislike. 'Useless in the sack', even though it appears to be true, is a horrible thing to say about someone.

I would end it and allow yourselves to find partners who actually like you

I can count on one hand the amount of times we've had any sexual chemistry between us in 3 years. I'm far too young to be this celibate. Of course, resentment is going to set in.
OP posts:
Anothernick · 29/03/2022 18:48

I doubt you can solve this now, it's gone on for too long. It's absolutely not normal for a guy in his 40s to only want it once every 2/3/4 months - I'm a man and frankly once every 2/3/4 days is closer to the mark. Sex is fundamental in a relationship - if you are not having sex you are close friends who share a house. An LTR is much more likely to be successful if both sides are happy with their sex life and from what you say it seems impossible for your relationship to achieve this.

Original poster
SummersBreeze · 29/03/2022 18:48

@MintJulia

Could he be organising his work to avoid spending time with you?

Your partner needs to go to his GP for his own health, as well as for your relationship.

ED can be a sign of heart or other problems, it could be related to excessive use of porn, it could be lots of things. He also needs to understand a relationship without sex is unlikely to make you happy at your age.

This crossed my mind too that perhaps he choose a job with opposite schedules to avoid the sex issue between us.

I agree with you about the GP. Him neglecting his health is not appealing to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummersBreeze · 29/03/2022 18:50

We were chatting the other morning and he said he watched a documentary after work. I quizzed him on what he watched after work but he wasn't able to tell me what he watched or what it was about. Porn crossed my mind at time.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummersBreeze · 29/03/2022 18:52

@Anothernick

I doubt you can solve this now, it's gone on for too long. It's absolutely not normal for a guy in his 40s to only want it once every 2/3/4 months - I'm a man and frankly once every 2/3/4 days is closer to the mark. Sex is fundamental in a relationship - if you are not having sex you are close friends who share a house. An LTR is much more likely to be successful if both sides are happy with their sex life and from what you say it seems impossible for your relationship to achieve this.
Yeah, I would love for us to establish a regular sex routine. Once a week or once a fortnight but it's gone on for too long I don't know how we will be able to come back from the sexlessness.
OP posts:
spacehardware · 29/03/2022 18:53

"If you only had sex a couple of times a month th when you first got together I would suggest he's not that into sex at all"

Completely agree with this. You've never had a plentiful sex life - why did you accept it then?

It could be he doesn't have ED at all, in the sense of a physiological condition, but performance anxiety, which is much more common. Also if he's in the habit of wanting a lot instead of having penetrative sex, he's used to the death grip and a vagina can't achieve that. The fact he can't maintain an erection for PIV sex but then finishes himself off by masturbsting supports this hypothesis

spacehardware · 29/03/2022 18:57

You can work through this together but it sounds like it was never all that anyway si he may not be willing to

www.sexualityresource.com/blog/why-some-men-have-trouble-ejaculating-during-intercourse

Original poster
SummersBreeze · 29/03/2022 19:02

I get more pleasure taking books to bed.

OP posts:
spacehardware · 29/03/2022 19:04

Seriously OP, I'm not attacking you but having sex once every month or so when first dating is not normal. At all. Why was that the situation? Why did you put up with it?

LashesZ · 29/03/2022 19:06

I know you said he wont go to his GP, but he may benefit from psychosexual therapy. This is sometimes available on the NHS but also available privately.

Clymene · 29/03/2022 19:10

This has always been an issue and it's got worse. If this isn't what you want, you need to end the relationship

CallMeDaddy58 · 29/03/2022 19:11

Please don’t listen to the sofa psychology nonsense about porn addiction and excessive wanking. It’s toxic masculinity bullshit that the first thought if a man has ED is he must be a porn obsessed wanking maniac.

There are a multitude of physical reasons and just as many psychological. Abandonment issues is a common one. Performance anxiety.

As women we accept that our mind has to be right for us to enjoy sex but often we can still “go through the motions” anyway. Men can’t obviously. Your partner can’t put his abandonment issues/ performance anxiety/ stress/ porn fuelled wankfest to one side & just do the deed to keep you happy.

It’s up to you if you want to persist with trying to get him the right help or call it a day. Either is perfectly acceptable. The fact you don’t have an active non penetrative sex life is interesting though.

collieresponder88 · 29/03/2022 19:12

I really think you need to end this relationship. You will be increasingly more unhappy as time goes on. Life is too short for this. Go and live your life. Be happy

optimistic40 · 29/03/2022 19:12

He might not want to see the GP, but would he try viagra (or something similar)? Have you asked him?

spacehardware · 29/03/2022 19:13

"Please don’t listen to the sofa psychology nonsense about porn addiction and excessive wanking. It’s toxic masculinity bullshit that the first thought if a man has ED is he must be a porn obsessed wanking maniac"

Did anyone say that?

There's a big difference between how men wank and what PIV feels like. The porn obsessed maniac bit you made up I think

TwinsJan22 · 29/03/2022 19:16

Hi I’m sorry to hear you are in this situation. I was in this situation about 13 years ago and went through with the wedding even though our sex life was so bad. It was fine in the early years of our relationship (20’s). He worked in a bar so could avoid Bedtime and blamed it on erectile dysfunction. It wore me down so much. Felt unattractive and rejected. Got married and safe to say it didn’t last! Now it was his drinking and mental health that drove me to leave but the sex was also a huge issue and we were basically just best friends. He actually came out as gay a few weeks after I left. I’m not saying your partner is gay!!
But a sexless relationship is so hard and even though I remarried I do think those years of rejection still affect me!! It’s unfortunate he won’t seek medical help. I suppose it all comes down to whether you feel you can stay married in a sexless marriage. For me I wish I’d listened to
My inner voice telling me not to get married.